His subtle attempts to disrupt my advancement

[Disastra]

Hi,

I wonder if anyone's been through this and has any hints or tips or insight.

Every time there's any chance of a promotion or opportunity at work my H seems to do his utmost to disrupt my attempts to go for this.

If I say I need to take an online situational test for example, and go off to another room as it needs quiet and is timed, he will come into the room after maybe 10 minutes and start to talk to me or look for something or decide he wants to be in that room, putting on a television or music loudly.  If I try to explain I need to concentrate then I'm being selfish or I ALWAYS ignore him and he doesn't matter to me.  If I get up and go elsewhere he'll follow me after a few minutes with other reasons to be where I've gone, or accusations and bitter remarks, trying to start a fight.

If I'm trying to put together 4 x 250 word application answers that must hit certain competencies, he will again, disturb, talk at me and try many tactics to draw me away from it and stop me concentrating.  This will happen even if I start when he was deeply engrossed in something else.  As soon as he notices I'm trying to concentrate on something important he'll drop what he was doing and attempt some form of disruption.  Then get angry or upset if I try to explain I need peace to get it done.

The times I have managed to make an application then in the few days before an interview he will drop into  a nasty phase, accusing me of things, telling me I'm too fat, too thin, that my haircut doesn't suit me and generally treating me in a patronising way as if I am unintelligent.  Anything, it seems, to knock my confidence. 

The night before an interview he'll do anything to cause an argument and if I attempt to back off and not partake he'll just get nastier and nastier.  He'll put a loud CD on at bedtime, try to persuade me to have a drink and get upset that I'm not sharing this with him, go around and around in circles with the same incidents, whether real or imagined, that he perceives as having been hurtful to him in our past and has decided he wants to talk about that particular night out of nowhere.

Then, he'll start cuddling and initiating sex.  At this point it's likely to be 1 or 2am already and I need to be up at 5.30am to get ready and get to work looking polished and professional.

He is far more highly educated than I am, has a first from one of the best universities in the country, whereas I dropped out at 16 and have only a few paper qualifications.  He has chosen a job that is 'menial' and not stressful or taxing and I support this decision as he says he can't cope with the 'shirt and tie' mentality.  I am already the higher earner and always have been, but I never mention that as to me it's not an issue.

What is he scared of?  How can I explain that any advancement in my career won't change me or us?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[formflier]

Every time there's any chance of a promotion or opportunity at work my H seems to do his utmost to disrupt my attempts to go for this.

So... it sounds like this is repetitive behavior on his part... .so... .likelihood of it continuing is high.

How can you go about promotions differently?

Why even discuss them with him? 

Instead... .get a promotion... .take him out to celibrate and announce it to him when it is over.

Should you be able to  discuss this with him ahead of time... .yes... .but you also need to understand the reality of the situation that you are in... .

Good luck on your next promotion!  And good luck taking back control of your life... .you can do this! 

FF

[SurfNTurf]

I agree with FF; keep your promotion plans to yourself and celebrate after.

pwBPD are great at intentional antagonism - whether it's to interefere with your work on a promotion, or a hobby or project, or whatever. (Mine likes to start singing/whistling really loud ONLY when I retire to sleep at night.)

Their emotional maturity is lower than usual, so they can't communicate whatever is bugging them regardless of their educational pedigree.  And, one of their trump cards is control, so if you get promoted too much you might leave, their biggest fear, so he probably feels he has to control your professional choices.

Hang in there, take care you YOU.

[vortex of confusion]

This is quite common. It is kind of like the little kid that ignores mom until she gets on the phone and then suddenly wants her attention. If you need uninterrupted time, don't announce it. See if there are ways that you can get that time when he isn't around. For example, is there a local coffee shop or library where you could go and get your stuff done? Can you send him out on an errand to get him out of the house long enough for you to get your work done?

Also, I second the notion of NOT talking to him about that stuff. If you have the opportunity to go for a promotion or do something big and you don't want anybody to rain on your parade, talk to a friend or relative. For that matter, post about it here.

I know it stinks to not be able to share those things with your partner. Until you figure some of this stuff out, it is best to not share some things.

[Disastra]

I had thought it was a sort of betrayal not to tell him, but I think you are right.  I do worry about his blow up if I do get something and then tell him after.  He has a habit of calling things I haven't told him about at the time but he finds out about later lies.

Having read some of the lessons and articles I wonder now whether he's tagged that as one of my triggers, because come to think of it, I hate to be called/thought of as a liar and it gets me really reactive.

Maybe if I choose not to react in my usual way, or explain and defend what I did, things he ignores or twists anyway, then it'll be easier.

[an0ught]

Hi  Disastra,

what you see is fear of abandonment. Change is a threat. Telling him that this will not have any impact will be perceived as invalidating and will make matters worse.

Validating positive emotions is easy. Validating abandonment is one of the harder things to learn but entirely doable. Start with validating less extreme negative stuff and work your way up.

Some of his behavior hints that you both are very close. Maybe too close and he can't imaging you and him quite so separate. What you are doing is very close to what he is feeling. So he is feeling very much he needs to be involved. Too much but can't help himself and you can't effectively tell him. Here a systematic introduction of boundaries in the relationship can help. Read up on them, don't dive into boundaries without serious thinking and planning. Getting the first ones in place is the hardest part, then the next boundaries and life in general becomes easier again. Right now he is not respecting you. Boundaries are very effective in restoring respect.

[formflier]

  don't dive into boundaries without serious thinking and planning.

Best to discuss potential boundaries here... .before trying to implement them.

I was very lucky to have some senior members "get to me" before my first boundary attempt.  I had it in my head (correctly) that backing down from a boundary attempt was much... .much worse than delaying implementing a boundary.

The nature of boundaries... is that people will "test" them... .to see if they are "real"... .and how "firm" they are. 

FF

[formflier]

Having read some of the lessons and articles I wonder now whether he's tagged that as one of my triggers, because come to think of it, I hate to be called/thought of as a liar and it gets me really reactive.

So... .what are the chances that he is going to stop this behavior?

How does your answer to the above affect your strategy to "deal with" this trigger?

FF

[Surg_Bear]

he says he can't cope with the 'shirt and tie' mentality. 


What is he scared of?  How can I explain that any advancement in my career won't change me or us?

Your answers are in your question

Surg_Bear

[Bpdwifelife]

Hi there. I can commiserate. This is the exact behavior my uBPDh does. See my "work from home hell" post. The noise pollution is the worst - I can't stand it. He is jealous of my success and jealous of anything that takes attention from him. I could have written many parts if your post myself. I'm glad I'm not alone in this. Sometimes it is unbearable and we have this "talk" about the noise and efforts to sabatoge my career regularly and every time it's like the first time as if we've never talked about or agreed on a solution or compromise before. It is an endless Groundhog Day. The spaghetti just doesn't stick to the wall. Saturday was Rage Against the Machine all day. Sunday Skillrex and slayer. Today was Tupac. Now I'm forced to watch Illuminati and cult documentaries tonight. He follows me around from room to room finding things to disturb me with constantly just like a child seeking attention from Mommy. It sux. I love him though. I really do. He woke me up so sweet this morning with coffee and kisses and I love yous and was quiet all day and then asked me if he was quiet enough today. I'm moving my office to an outbuilding on our property - that was supposed to happen yesterday but his friend was busy and couldn't help him move me so I'm still working in the house and I'm only about 30% as productive as I should be. I'm glad he was quiet today but as soon as work was over today I gave to give him my full attention and watch all this crap stuff on conspiracies I have absolutely no interest in. I'm putting up with it because he was quiet today and left me alone mostly and I want to reward and reinforce that good behavior do I'm keeping quiet watching this crap with him right now (which I think he perceives as validation) but he's commenting on every other word of the documentaries so all I hear is his loud excited voice and I've had a long day I'm tired and totally not in the mood. I so relate to your post and I'm sorry. It's frustrating.

[waverider]

It creates a competitive environment. Best if you can separate the two into different time slots so he is not competing for the same time slot

eg after I have finished this do you want to do XYZ.

The quicker he lets you do the task, the sooner you get to do XYZ together.

In effect you are regulating time allocation for him. Without that he will prioritize his needs