Standing up for myself

[sweetheart]

Exactly - we fought and fought and complained and it took two years of the most horrendous dysregulated behaviours before we got a fully comprehensive treatment package, with respite hospital admissions at my h's request. It still didn't change the trajectory of the illness, my h is now in prison, not because of something he did, but because of something he might do. And on release he will be subject to a year long compulsory community treatment order as well as his current care package.

max serving the OOP would have changed the dynamics of their conflict, and possibly brought the extremes of his wife's illness to the attention of others. For max though it was too much of  a risk for him in that he wanted to safeguard his marriage.

For me it was an easy call to make, to keep exposing the worst excesses of this illness to others, because I had a child to protect and prioritise.

And ultimately I know now after speaking to my h, who is stable and well looked after on the hospital wing, that it protected him to. He was a path of self destruction and he couldn't stop. He said on a recent visit that he expected to die prior to being arrested because he was completely lost to the illness.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KateCat]

Choices as tough as "Solomon's Choice" or "Sophie's Choice" it seems.

[maxsterling]

I'll try to answer questions with one reply -

Treatment team?  Well, she has a T whom she sees once a week.  No specialized BPD treatment going on.  She also has a P, whom she sees once a month.  And then there is MC - not really a treatment for her.   So really, there isn't a "treatment plan" or team, just appointments with a talk therapist. I'd feel much more comfortable if there was a plan that included a firm diagnosis that my wife accepts, a course of action, and a metric of expected results. 

Other news - she's talking about changing her return flight to stay longer.  Frankly, I would not mind if she stayed a few more days.  She's also been taking her friend's prescription meds again, Xanax and Narcotic pain killers.  Yikes.  I can't live in denial about this - this is a potentially serious issue and the reality is - this is a relapse.  I would feel differently if she was taking these medications under care of her doctor, but to just take her friend's pills because she is stressed or has a headache is a really bad sign.

[sweetheart]

And the misuse of these medications, especially not prescribed can trigger horrible dysregulated behaviour in my experience.

[maxsterling]

Now she has changed her ticket to stay until next Wednesday.  Frankly, I wouldn't mind more alone time, and I think she could use it as well.  She's amongst other friends now, not just the one.  And she seems to be in a better mood.   

But I am having a hard time today.  Part may be due to me not sleeping well last night, but part of it is me realizing she has active addiction issues going on right now.  I also still feel quite hurt, and extremely confused because she is saying things likes she misses me and wishes I was there with her.  I'm confused because there's never been an apology or admission at all that her behavior towards me has in any way been hurtful, and it's like she has moved on.

[waverider]

Her return would also mean a withdrawal from her med supply also, which is going make things a whole lot worse.

Dealing with an addict is soul destroying

[waverider]

My wifes 'treatment team" is also a patchwork of empathy talk counselling, she runs from any hardcore therapy. My concern is it is creating a dependency on too much S & E supply. Endlessly talking over FOO issues with the various people causes her to entrench the issues into the core of her daily life and not actually dealing with them and moving on.

[maxsterling]

Waverider - yep, that pretty much sums up what I see.  My wife goes to T or P so long as that person can empathize and "validate".  I put validate in quotes because I think my wife wants more than a validation of her emotions, she wants someone to tell her that her actions are justified.  And the minute someone (friend, therapist, AA sponsor, or me) suggests that she is the cause for any of her problems, she runs away, claiming she is being "judged".  I really don't feel like she really faces her issues and her role in them. 

I'm not sure where my emotions are coming from today (well, the past few days).  Before, I was better at accepting that my wife would never own up to much of her behavior, and I was okay with that.  But this time I just feel like I can't move on without some kind of acknowledgement that she has been violent and critical.

[Rapt Reader]

max, I can't remember... .Has your wife ever been admitted to an In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program at any point? Have you ever looked into Neurofeedback (or Biofeedback) Therapy for her? Would she even consider either of those things?

The only thing that helped my son (who is now 38 and probably wouldn't even be diagnosed with BPD anymore) deal with his mental health issues and drug addiction (it was Heroin, for multiple years) in a very productive way was his stay at a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program (it was in Bradford, PA at the Bradford Regional Medical Center; the Dr. running the program and all the Staff there are stellar).

Two weeks after being discharged from that DDx Center he started Neurofeedback Therapy to treat every one of his symptoms and behaviors. He still goes to NFT every 2 weeks, and has been clean and sober for more than 2 years now (he was sober for about 3 weeks or so when he was admitted to the DDx Center, and was discharged in April 2013). He still goes to Out-Patient Therapy every week, and sees his Psychiatrist once/month, but it was the DDx Program that turned his life around when they diagnosed his BPD and gave him DBT classes. And it's the NFT that has kept him sane and sober and becoming "normal" for the first time since I can remember.

I was just wondering if any of those options were available to your wife, if she would be interested in looking into them, or if you have even thought about them. I really hope things somehow get better, or become clearer for you, after your wife gets back, max 

[formflier]

 

Max,

What does the P do for her?  Is it more talk? 


Somehow... .I see you needing to take on more of a husband role... .with more more limited "support" of your wife's mental needs... .and let that shift over to the treatment team.

Thoughts?

FF