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Author Topic: PwBpd keeps ending relationship  (Read 399 times)
Loosestrife
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« on: July 11, 2015, 03:41:27 AM »

Hi

My PwBPD keeps ending the relationship when she feels like she can't cope and she can't control what she does when she feels ill. She says she can't stand the sound of my voice when she feels ill (but she can communicate fine with others) and I trigger her. We usually recycle after a few days and then I'm the love of her life again for a while. 

She says it would be easier  if we lived together as she would have more consistency, but tried that once before and I felt like I was treading on eggeshells in my own home and the silent treatment wore me down.

I feel stuck - if I keep allowing her to dump me and then come back when she feels like it then I feel like I'm enabling her behaviour, but if I walk away I've lost the love of my life. She doesn't work and I am supporting her to get help with the BPD whilst not placing expectations on her so she feels pressured.

Any advice on how to react /handle being frequently dumped?

Thanks
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« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2015, 07:40:35 AM »

Any advice on how to react /handle being frequently dumped?

This is frustrating... but you really aren't getting dumped... .the r/s is not really over... .because she keeps coming back.

Most likely she needs space... and doesn't have a healthy coping mechanism to be honest and ask for that... .so... she "breaks up".

Can you tell me more about your reaction to the break up? 

FF
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2015, 09:19:56 AM »

If she snaps at me or hangs up on me then I am infuriated and if I point out she's being unreasonable then I'm in the dog house for being critical. When she says she needs time out I try to respect that, but it's always open ended which is hard.  When she ends the relationship  I am hurt and have no option but to accept it, so I check she means it and then leave.
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« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2015, 10:07:09 AM »

If she snaps at me or hangs up on me then I am infuriated and if I point out she's being unreasonable then I'm in the dog house for being critical. When she says she needs time out I try to respect that, but it's always open ended which is hard.  When she ends the relationship  I am hurt and have no option but to accept it, so I check she means it and then leave.

Yeah... .I can see the dynamic.  Frustrating one to change... but it is in your power to change it.   No need to ask her permission... .

It is much better to "show" someone how you feel about things... .than to "explain" it.  Which is what i suspect is going on when you try to "point out" things to her.

So... .I think if you can write out some word for word (as close as possible) from a recent time when she snapped at you... I think we can help.

The goal is to better manage conflict before she tries to end the r/s. 

FF
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« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2015, 11:23:20 AM »

Thanks FF :-) brief summary... .

She's been difficult all day and snappy on the phone. I have handled well so far with usual techniques. Last phone call:


Me: do you want to meet up later? 

Her: Im too but tired and have job interview tomorrow

Me: oh you didn't mention that,what's it's for?

Her: yeah, I have been looking for jobs

Me: you said you weren't well enough when we last spoke about it (previous blow up)

Her: do you really think this is the best time to try to talk to me?

Me: okay, we an talk another time, what else would you like to talk about?

Her: is too late you have upset me (hangs up)

Me: (try to ring back)

Her: I've had enough of you, you know I'm ill and I can't speak to you, everything you say upsets me. It's over

Me: are you sure as is not fair to keep doing this to me

Her: yes, bye

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« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2015, 11:45:34 AM »

 

OK... I think I get a flavor of what is going on... .you need to "steer" the dynamic.

Validation is an important tool.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

Also... .there is a hint of argument to the way you approach things... .I would try to validate what she is feeling "in the moment"... .and forget bringing up what she felt days ago.  Remember... .what she is feeling "right then" overrides all previous feelings.  Validation will help her feel "safe" and more "relaxed" around you... less "prickly".

OK... few comments on the convo

Me: do you want to meet up later? 

Her: Im too but tired and have job interview tomorrow

Great place to apply validation... .to "get what she feels"... .to help her understand... .that you "get" her.

Instead... .there was a bit of a correction.  Very mild... but... .remember... pwBPD traits amplify negatives.  There is implication that she "should have" mentioned it earlier... therefor she is wrong... .and... .she starts timer on a nuke

Me: oh you didn't mention that,what's it's for?

If you are too tired to validate... .just ask what it is for... stay positive... .tell her what she did do that is right... .not what she "did not" do.

Her: yeah, I have been looking for jobs

Me: you said you weren't well enough when we last spoke about it (previous blow up)

Do you see how this could be seen as argumentative... .and also a reminder of a previous blowup.  Stay away from that.

Her: do you really think this is the best time to try to talk to me?

She is sending danger signals... .

She doesn't want to talk at all... .you offer to talk about something else... .put it back on her... .that is "invalidating".

Also shows you didn't "hear" her.

Me: okay, we an talk another time, what else would you like to talk about?

Her: is too late you have upset me (hangs up)

Me: (try to ring back)

OK... I'm going to credit Grey Kitty with this advice... .  I've done well with it.  When "their" words and actions line up and they are all saying they don't want to talk to you.   Believe them... .they are not able to control themselves... .let them be.

Her: I've had enough of you, you know I'm ill and I can't speak to you, everything you say upsets me. It's over

Again... this screams exit the conversation

Me: are you sure as is not fair to keep doing this to me

Her: yes, bye

She is triggered... .you pitched her a fastball... .she banged it out of the park. 


This stuff is much easier to figure out for someone else... .I have trouble with it when it is my convo... .that is a big reason I am here... .to have others help figure out my way forward.

Also... she tried to exit the conversation before she said something horrible... .that is good.  Let it be at that... .don't keep giving her opportunities to say horrible things.

   

Thoughts?

FF
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2015, 12:05:51 PM »

Hi FF

This all makes sense and I appreciate you taking the time. It's hard to validate all the time and not be able to express any of your own feelings. I haven't heard anything else since, so I'm not sure if I will get a chance to try again. What I do know is that I am never going to get it right 100% of the time

L
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2015, 12:44:50 PM »

Hi Formflier,

Dear me... .this is depressing. I think I've been doing this with my BPDxbf without realising. If he was just trying to step back or get his own way when I assumed he was finishing with me when he reacted by saying: "You'll never hear from me again!" or something similar No wonder he thinks I was the one who was always dumping him.

I haven't set out to invalidate him, but I think I kept doing it. He says I'm thoughtless and selfish. I do think about his likely reaction but I don't spot the dangers. I have mild asperger's syndrome and people with AS process emotional problems using the logical side of the brain. I struggle with reading between the lines. Unfortunately, everything is expressed between the lines with my BPDxbf. I have looked at the lessons on validation and have absolutely no confidence in my ability to spot invalidation, let alone put it right. So, I decided I just couldn't do it and pretty much gave up before I even started. Sometimes, I think I was wrong to be so defeatist. There were times when I wish he had been empathic enough to realise that I did want to get it right, but I just couldn't tell when or why I was getting it wrong. I needed his help to get it right. I think my BPDxbf thought it was willful hurt on my part, but it wasn't. He showed no interest in researching AS so he could understand me better. It was always me trying to make the adjustments, but that's my perspective. He thinks he was always making adjustments for me.

When I bumped into him this week, it could have been an opportunity to reconnect but I didn't have a clue whether he wanted to or not. At one point, he said: "Should I get on the bus?".  I just said: "You've got to go to job club." which was what he said he was going to do that afternoon. I did wonder whether he was trying to say something else to me, like ":)o you want me to stay?" but I didn't know whether I was reading too much into it. He'd already said he didn't want to get a curry with me, so I assumed he was saying he didn't want to spend any more time with me. I wonder if I got it wrong again. Later on, he emailed me saying it had been heartbreaking meeting up, that he'd had a cry and was going to cheer himself up but said: "I haven't decided what I want to do... .?" Was that an invitation? I wasn't sure.

I know I can't carry on in my relationship without some kind of outside intervention, because I can't live in a world where nothing makes sense to me. I do love him though, whether he knows that or not, but I'm going to have to live with the consequences of getting it wrong because he says he can't take the hurt any more, so the kindest thing we can do it let go. What a tragedy that it because I really believe our problems happened because we loved each other not because we didn't.

Livewriter
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2015, 01:06:37 PM »

What I do know is that I am never going to get it right 100% of the time

I don't get it right 100% of the time.

You will be over halfway there if you stop "invalidating".  Most of the time the best way to do that is to hush... .so... .it actually saves energy and is not tiring.

Plus... when we still get it wrong... .over time you will develop better tools for "repair work".  Most of the time things get better by letting it drop... .focusing on the future.

This is a different way to approach things... .your "muscle memory" of how to conduct the r/s will keep pushing you back to what you "know"... .resist that... .embark on a new... healthier... .more validating relationship.

FF
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« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2015, 02:49:26 PM »

Lifewriter16,

I'm wondering if there is a way that you can turn your logical analysis powers into "learning" a new language.  Even one that doesn't make "logical" sense. 

here is the thing... .there is an order to the disorder.  While we can't exactly predict what will be said or reacted to... .they... pwBPD traits... .generally follow a pattern.  If you are dealing with same person... the patterns should be a bit more predictable.

That being said... .I have only a general awareness of AS.  My oldest son had a friend with AS... .there was usually a group that hung out together... .sometimes the one with AS would get a bit upset about things... .and we'd just give him some space to sort things out... .and then when he was ok... .we didn't dwell on it... .just picked up where things were. 

My understanding was that he was on the mild end of things.

Do you have a T that you work with that specializes in AS?

FF
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2015, 04:26:44 PM »

Hi Formflier,

It's a hard task getting appropriate therapy for AS in the UK, but I have identified a suitable therapist and my GP is supportive, it's just a matter of getting over the NHS hurdles to get funding. It's looking like it may come off in the end, but it's a long process.

It seems quite unlikely that I'll get a chance to learn a new 'language' (though it is an interesting thought) because my BPDxbf is virtually unable to spend any time either in or out of my presence without getting triggered and his reactions trigger me in turn. I think it really is a thing of the past now. Having said that, I'm sure that what I learn when I do get appropriate therapy will apply to any relationship, so the effort won't be wasted. I am terribly sad that things turned out like this though. I miss him.

Lifewriter



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Loosestrife
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« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2015, 06:18:53 PM »

What I do know is that I am never going to get it right 100% of the time

I don't get it right 100% of the time.

You will be over halfway there if you stop "invalidating".  Most of the time the best way to do that is to hush... .so... .it actually saves energy and is not tiring.

Plus... when we still get it wrong... .over time you will develop better tools for "repair work".  Most of the time things get better by letting it drop... .focusing on the future.

This is a different way to approach things... .your "muscle memory" of how to conduct the r/s will keep pushing you back to what you "know"... .resist that... .embark on a new... healthier... .more validating relationship.

FF

I have tried and failed miserably again.  My gf says everything I say is too much for her and I am making her life hell. I have tried saying nothing when her behaviours are negative, but then she keeps asking me what I'm thinking or better still, tells me what I'm thinking and is then uses that as a stick to beat herself and goes into melt down. Maybe the attachment/relationship had just got too toxic to repair. I am exhausted.
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« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2015, 06:47:46 PM »

I am exhausted.

 

So... if you notice in many of my posts I talk about "energy management".

Couple reasons.

1.  Being in a long term r/s with a pwBPD can sap your energy... .If you allow it to be taken... (remember it's your choice)

2.  I'm a pilot... .and flying is all about managing the energy state of the airplane... . 

If you run out of energy (airspeed gets to slow) on an airplane... .you stall... .now you are falling... .not flying... .that is not good.  Especially if you impact the ground... .

If you run out of energy in a r/s with a pwBPD... .similar... .disastrous results can be seen.

So... .

Loosestrife,

Think about the things that are going on in your r/s... that you find exhausting... .list out several of the top ones... .

We'll help you take back some energy... and help you stop the feeling of "wasting" energy.

FF
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #13 on: July 12, 2015, 09:07:52 PM »

Energy sapping stuff:

1. Listening to BPD negativity (usually same old crap) and trying not to look drained by it all

2. Handing the fall out if I dare to express my feelings (even in the nicest, most careful manner)

3. Trying to stand my ground/hold boundaries when BpD is raging and the length of time it takes for things to calm down (can be days)

4. Trying to deal with the constant ball of stress in my stomach when she is giving me the ST and I'm trying not to walk on eggshells.

All this on top of working and doing the other parts of life
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« Reply #14 on: July 12, 2015, 11:05:11 PM »

 

OK... good list. 

Why listen to negativity?  Especially if it is draining energy from you.

More later.


FF
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« Reply #15 on: July 13, 2015, 12:08:38 PM »

OK... good list. 

Why listen to negativity?  Especially if it is draining energy from you.

More later.


FF

If I don't listen then it's is seen like I don't care
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« Reply #16 on: July 13, 2015, 12:44:43 PM »

If I don't listen then it's is seen like I don't care

So... .is it a good idea to base your actions and decisions on how others perceive them?

Same question... .but add in how a pwBPD traits perceives them?

FF
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« Reply #17 on: July 13, 2015, 04:41:10 PM »

Hi FF, I don't understand what you are saying... .
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« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2015, 06:31:28 PM »

Hi FF, I don't understand what you are saying... .

OK... you said the reason you listen... is if you don't... .someone else will think you don't care.

So... .you listen to a bunch of vile stuff... .so the other person thinks you care. 

Is that a good reason to listen to negativity?

Or... .should you decided how much support and listening of this kind of stuff is healthy for you... .give him that amount... .and then leave him to deal with the rest?

Hope this makes sense.

FF
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« Reply #19 on: July 14, 2015, 02:14:38 AM »

Yes, this makes sense. Thanks FF. I will try to subtly move away from it when it happens. This should also help with points 3 and 4 in theory. I wish we didn't have to be so detached, I'm such a warm person, I find it really hard.

I will have a think about point 2 as I think this is the part I struggle with most - not being able to express any thoughts or feelings of my own or even maintain boundaries without my SO saying I have hurt her and then I'm back in the soup. :'( Attention(click to insert in post)

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« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2015, 07:30:23 AM »

Any advice on how to react /handle being frequently dumped?

I pay attention to what she is feeling in the moment and validate 100%. I remain in complete control of my emotions (voice tone + body language) and let her know that I love her and thank her for the time together. Then I move on with my life. This usually gives her a sense of relief mixed with abandonment, I guess, and she comes back really quickly (1-2h) and then she opens up to me and I also get to communicate my values and boundaries. I think that's the place from where things can start to build up into something truly loving and "functional". Both parts unveiling their truth. I think she needs to know that you won't collapse because of her dysregulations. By proving your strength you make her feel more secure. Then you can take the lead with confidence. Set the tone. You want her to associate being with you with experiencing good emotions, having fun, etc.

As for the ST. Just make sure to never break it. Be stronger. Take it cool. With time these might get shorter and shorter.

One of the positive outcomes of being in a relationship with a pwBPD is that you are given the chance to grow into a very strong person. 

 
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