Playing the Diagnosis Game, I Think

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is a response I've received from exuBPD/NPDw concerning our S10.  All of a sudden ex has gotten into action with S10 and demanding we do this and that with him, get him a counselor, take him to CHOP in Phila, etc.  The counselor part is odd to me because she is now pushing me to take him to an office where I had previously tried to take him only to be blocked by ex and she tried to find another place etc.  I had arranged for an intake about a month ago, but the schedule was crazy then so I cancelled and have not rescheduled.  So no ex is saying we need to go and "we were going to take him to office X but you've now backed off."

Right now S10 has a lot going on, entered a two week social skills camp and has to have some oral surgery done to remove an extra tooth.  He will also be switching schools in the fall which we have not told him about.  So I'm taking it slow right now and trying to be deliberate and with a purpose with his appointments.

About two years ago ex has S10 diagnosed aspergers through an eval at CHOP - this was ex's idea and she like the autism diag better than the school's ODD diagnosis.  So she got her way.  Then two years ago when I wanted to take him to office X, she all of a sudden pulled the extra healthcare out ofher hat (did not know she had this for S10) and we got Wraparound Services.  I have consistently worked with the Wraparound people over this two year period.  Ex has not but just this past week has agreed to her first appointment with the lead clinician - a counselor that comes to the house to work with S10.

Now in addition she wants him to see a developmental pediatrician at CHOP because "it's important."  No other details of why it is important.  So I now see it as an unnecessary appointment, meet with the pediatrician who has never seen S10, and then go away for another six months or never go back.  Just don't see the intent.

So I call CHOP, ask why was I not contacted when ex made the appointment.  Social worker calls back, explains what will be done, and I'm enlightened and now in agreement, but I do explain the situation.  After this call the social worker goes and discusses same with the Dr.  With my input they now agree that going to CHOP is not the right choice and that going the behavioral health route is more appropriate.  Essentially get him seeing a psychologist on a regular basis.   

My e-mail:

I've spoken to CHOP's social worker, JR, and she and Dr.

GladHand have reviewed S10's recent re-eval report from Wrap.  Long

story short, they are recommending we pursue behavioral health -

counseling - for S10, rather than take him to CHOP. Some of this is

based on his change in diagnosis among other factors.  JR could

explain it better and you can reach her at ###.

With this I'm suggesting we cancel CHOP and schedule an intake

interview at Office X.

Ex's response:

Going around me and not having me part of the process is wrong. I was not part of the input for WrapAround Agency.  I believe that your view of S10 is not the same as mine and therefore my view needs to be heard. That report was written based on your input only. It is not valid. Why do you insist on taking me out of the decision? Why do you not want to understand?   I will call her and I am sure when she hears my concerns they will see him. You are just trying to block anything I want for S10. That is clear.

The last tow evalautins for WrapAround have S10 diagnosed with disruptive impulsivity, conduct disorder, ROS anxiety disorder.  No longer Asperger's.  Ex could not attend either of these evals and provided no input and did not even attempt to discuss her input with the Dr.

It sounds more like she's trying to "correct" my input than do something well thought out for S10.

venting. 

[scraps66]

This is a response I've received from exuBPD/NPDw concerning our S10.  All of a sudden ex has gotten into action with S10 and demanding we do this and that with him, get him a counselor, take him to CHOP in Phila, etc.  The counselor part is odd to me because she is now pushing me to take him to an office where I had previously tried to take him only to be blocked by ex and she tried to find another place etc.  I had arranged for an intake about a month ago, but the schedule was crazy then so I cancelled and have not rescheduled.  So no ex is saying we need to go and "we were going to take him to office X but you've now backed off."

Right now S10 has a lot going on, entered a two week social skills camp and has to have some oral surgery done to remove an extra tooth.  He will also be switching schools in the fall which we have not told him about.  So I'm taking it slow right now and trying to be deliberate and with a purpose with his appointments.

About two years ago ex has S10 diagnosed aspergers through an eval at CHOP - this was ex's idea and she like the autism diag better than the school's ODD diagnosis.  So she got her way.  Then two years ago when I wanted to take him to office X, she all of a sudden pulled the extra healthcare out ofher hat (did not know she had this for S10) and we got Wraparound Services.  I have consistently worked with the Wraparound people over this two year period.  Ex has not but just this past week has agreed to her first appointment with the lead clinician - a counselor that comes to the house to work with S10.

Now in addition she wants him to see a developmental pediatrician at CHOP because "it's important."  No other details of why it is important.  So I now see it as an unnecessary appointment, meet with the pediatrician who has never seen S10, and then go away for another six months or never go back.  Just don't see the intent.

So I call CHOP, ask why was I not contacted when ex made the appointment.  Social worker calls back, explains what will be done, and I'm enlightened and now in agreement, but I do explain the situation.  After this call the social worker goes and discusses same with the Dr.  With my input they now agree that going to CHOP is not the right choice and that going the behavioral health route is more appropriate.  Essentially get him seeing a psychologist on a regular basis.   

My e-mail:

I've spoken to CHOP's social worker, JR, and she and Dr.

GladHand have reviewed S10's recent re-eval report from Wrap.  Long

story short, they are recommending we pursue behavioral health -

counseling - for S10, rather than take him to CHOP. Some of this is

based on his change in diagnosis among other factors.  JR could

explain it better and you can reach her at ###.

With this I'm suggesting we cancel CHOP and schedule an intake

interview at Office X.

Ex's response:

Going around me and not having me part of the process is wrong. I was not part of the input for WrapAround Agency.  I believe that your view of S10 is not the same as mine and therefore my view needs to be heard. That report was written based on your input only. It is not valid. Why do you insist on taking me out of the decision? Why do you not want to understand?   I will call her and I am sure when she hears my concerns they will see him. You are just trying to block anything I want for S10. That is clear.

The last tow evalautins for WrapAround have S10 diagnosed with disruptive impulsivity, conduct disorder, ROS anxiety disorder.  No longer Asperger's.  Ex could not attend either of these evals and provided no input and did not even attempt to discuss her input with the Dr.

It sounds more like she's trying to "correct" my input than do something well thought out for S10.

venting. 

[david]

I would not reply to her email. You said everything you needed to say in your email. Sounds like you are handling things well.

My ex is a nurse and anything I suggest in that area is immediately rejected by her. Eventually it becomes her idea and she suggests we do exactly what I suggested except it is now her idea. I have it all in emails so if I ever have this in court I can show it. I think it stems from black and white thinking which means I must always be wrong. I am so used to it now it doesn't phase me anymore.

[scraps66]

David, think you're spot on.  seems my ex will actually throw my original idea back in my face as me giving up, and now she's taking over making it out to be "very important" coming from her.  I gave up on the very important initial idea. 

I've only asked her, "tell me exactly what you intend to get out of the visit."  In typical fashion she's not responded as I am asking her a direct question.

[david]

I have learned to use this for my kids best interest. I have to propose something to her in an email fully anticipating her to take the opposite point of view. Later, it becomes her idea, she proposes the same to thing to me in an email. I agree without pointing out the obvious.

I figure it accomplishes the goal I was trying to get to for our boys. If she takes me to court for something I maker sure I have all the emails printed out that pertain to these things. They are all dated so I can show what is going on in court. I haven't used any in court but I did use some in our custody eval. Ex simply ignored the facts and continued to blame me. That helped the evaluator get it.

[david]

The evaluator recommended that the boys have more time with me. He proposed a plan in a meeting. I didn't agree with it and gave my reasons why. I had a plan that I thought would work better and had reasons. He sent my plan to the court as his recommendation. During the meetings ex kept attacking me and I simply stated it wasn't true or totally ignored what she was saying and focused on our two boys. I am as emotionally detached as I think I can be and that is the trick that helped me the most. That took time and getting my head straight. I stopped trying to reason with her.

Communication with my ex is email only and I have learned how not to respond to things I don't have to. I don't take her bs personally.

Our summer schedule is week on / week off. I let her make the schedule (gives her control) and agree as long as it meets the court order of 50/50. She tried many times to ignore that fact but I simply point out her proposal does not meet the order. I usually initiate the summer schedule 5 or 6 weeks in advance knowing it may take a while for her to "figure out" what 50/50 means. If she sends a schedule that doesn't meet the order I simply state the number of days she proposes they are with her and the number of days they are with me. I don't even point out that it is not 50/50. I simply say it doesn't meet the court order.

[Eco]

David, think you're spot on.  seems my ex will actually throw my original idea back in my face as me giving up, and now she's taking over making it out to be "very important" coming from her.  I gave up on the very important initial idea.

My ex does the same thing, when I suggested that we only communicate through email or text she blew me off. 2 weeks later she told me that we are to communicate through text or email and made it sound like her idea  when I showed her the text of me suggesting it she claimed she must have misread what I said and that I wasn't going to do it anyways  

that disreagulated her worse then I have ever seen her and she went into a texting frenzy at me with the most bizarre and off the wall things, That really freaked me out and I was scared for my daughter and her other kids safety

Im not meaning this in a cruel way but I feel my ex should be committed to get some serious help.

[Turkish]

I used this tactic to work on my Ex the 4 months she lived with me at the end. I slowly convinced her to come around to my way of thinking, then I didn't "throw in her face" (a favorite catch-phrase of hers) that what she agreed to finally was pretty much what I initially proposed, though i was prepared to take her to court if need be. Understanding what makes a pwBPD tick helps enormously. If they own it as their idea eventually, then so be it. What's best for the kids, and what's best for you.