This is too hard - I just want to leave

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife (43F) of 15years I think has BPD. Undiagnosed, but MY psychs have suggested it.

We've had a horrible last few days. Every conversation turns very bad. But I realise I have been invalidating her. Mostly because I can't believe what comes out her mouth. Her "view" of things just differs from mine so much that it stumps me.

She tells me again and again that she feels unsafe with me, unrespected and that I'm rude and dominant. And I think it's wholy because I'm sick of having to apologise and 'take the blame' - now I've started to question her views. She'll tell me her 'facts' and I will point out how inconsistent her facts are, or how they contradict her facts from yesterday.

I know that I'm invalidating what she is saying by doing this.

But having to agree with it, or allowing her to keep believing her version of 'reality' kills me. I can't do it! She will call me uncaring, disrespectful, mean and I'm supposed to find the grain of truth and agree with her feelings?

I know she has a mental illness but I just can't work out how to do this.

I question every day why I am still with her. We have 3 kids, 12/8/5 - and I worry a bit about them. I have no common interests with my wife anymore. She doesn't want to do anything with me. She has social anxiety which seems to be getting worse - even having her best friend over is challenging. She doesn't want to go on dates with me, socialise, exercise. What future do we have? I see less and less benefit in staying with her.

After seeing her cut herself again today I've been in tears all day. I keep asking myself why are we doing this? Wouldn't it be better for me just to leave?

I am hurting so much.

[ArleighBurke]

My wife (43F) of 15years I think has BPD. Undiagnosed, but MY psychs have suggested it.

We've had a horrible last few days. Every conversation turns very bad. But I realise I have been invalidating her. Mostly because I can't believe what comes out her mouth. Her "view" of things just differs from mine so much that it stumps me.

She tells me again and again that she feels unsafe with me, unrespected and that I'm rude and dominant. And I think it's wholy because I'm sick of having to apologise and 'take the blame' - now I've started to question her views. She'll tell me her 'facts' and I will point out how inconsistent her facts are, or how they contradict her facts from yesterday.

I know that I'm invalidating what she is saying by doing this.

But having to agree with it, or allowing her to keep believing her version of 'reality' kills me. I can't do it! She will call me uncaring, disrespectful, mean and I'm supposed to find the grain of truth and agree with her feelings?

I know she has a mental illness but I just can't work out how to do this.

I question every day why I am still with her. We have 3 kids, 12/8/5 - and I worry a bit about them. I have no common interests with my wife anymore. She doesn't want to do anything with me. She has social anxiety which seems to be getting worse - even having her best friend over is challenging. She doesn't want to go on dates with me, socialise, exercise. What future do we have? I see less and less benefit in staying with her.

After seeing her cut herself again today I've been in tears all day. I keep asking myself why are we doing this? Wouldn't it be better for me just to leave?

I am hurting so much.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

I just wanted you to know someone is hearing you. I am so sorry you are having such a rough time, it can be so painful, especially when you feel like you don't know how to make it better. 

Did you already read the lessons on the right side of this page?

What would you like to happen? If you could find a way to calm your situation down, where would you like things to go for you and your wife and family?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi WilliamsKevin,

I am sorry that you are having a rough couple of days.    I have had days where my bf is dysregulating and the majority of our conversations were very difficult.

Validation can be difficult to understand, especially when you do not understand or agree with your partner's point of view or the behaviors or thoughts do not make sense.  The main point about validation is not having to agree with what someone is thinking or saying, it is a way of communicating to others that you are paying attention to them, that you have empathy, and that you can see the facts of their situation. Basically, it is understanding where your partner is coming from. It does not mean that we need to endorse, verify, or making something valid that is invalid. For example, when something being said is invalid, we do not have to take blame or responsibility for the invalidity.  Also, we do not have to like or agree with what your partner is saying, doing, or feeling.  As a rule of thumb, only validate the valid.

I can understand how your wife's comments of being uncaring, disrespectful, and mean are invalidating to you. It hurts when we are invalidating. As we can invalidate our partners, we are ourselves can be invalidated by their comments or behavior. Have you ever discussed with her how you feel invalidated when she makes those comments to you?

I know she has a mental illness but I just can't work out how to do this.

I have struggled with this as well. It is very difficult to  accept that a partner is suffering from a disorder. What was/is the largest roadblock in my radical acceptance, is my propensity to compare my bf's behaviors to a non-disordered person. When I expected him to think or behave a certain way, I would end up frustrated and angry.  I have learned to accept that he has a distorted way of thinking at times and how he perceives a situation is not how a non-disordered person would think or behave.  I have learned that I cannot change or control his thoughts or behavior. For a very long time I believed that I could change him. Through my own self-awareness, I have realized that I can only change my own thoughts and behavior. Once I realized this, I have had less anxiety and frustration. Change comes from within you and honestly, my continuous focus and self-improvement have made a positive impact on my relationship.  

[Loosestrife]

Hi

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been having similar feelings recently. I try to maintain boundaries by calmly explaining to my pwBPD that her behaviours are invalidating (hateful is better word but I daren't use that phrase!) to me,but she just gets mad at me for expressing how I feel. It's a no-win situation.

L

[ArleighBurke]

Thank you all for your words.

When she calls me uncaring, thoughtless etc, it hurts. I try very hard to be considerate and love her but to have her say those things hurts me alot. I know I need to accept that's just her pain speaking and that she doesn't really mean those things or she'd actually leave me - but knowing that doesn't make it easier.

I guess I'm also starting to question why I still put myself though it. I think I spent 10years with her believing that I was indeed wrong and bad and trying to do better - and always failing. Then I found out about BPD and have spent the last 3 yrs healing myself - and probably still believeing that somehow with my knowledge and understanding that life will get better. But now I'm starting to realise that things may always stay the same.

Even if I get to a point where I can validate like a pro, she'll still blame me for her feelings, she'll still have social anxiety and not want to go out anywhere, and she'll still resent me for wanting and having a life.

I just don't think she's worth staying for. (And I feel like a bad person for saying that)

[Loosestrife]

You are not a bad person for wanting a reciprocal,healthy relationship. 

[Fian]

One thing that I discovered is the amount of power that I have in the relationship.  My wife were in a death spiral in the relationship where we were no longer fighting fair.  Lots of anger and disrespect.  I could tell that if we continued on this path, it was only a matter of time before the words we would say while fighting would end the marriage.  I then read a book on BPD and changed my behavior.  Our fights became different.  I became more loving as I started to better understand what my wife was dealing with.  And it was all because I made a choice to behave differently.  I don't know your situation, but there is hope.

[LilMe]

I am so sorry you are living this.  Many of us, unfortunately, are in similar situations.  The Lessons to the right of the page ----> really do help.  I read them over and over along with a few books that speak to me! 

I am 10 years with uBPDh with 3 children together.  I actually got away for a year, but it was not good for the children to be alone with him so I am back and making it work.  I often want to give up and leave again, but keep plugging away and things do get better.

What works is realizing that only I can change myself - I can't expect him to change.  But changing myself does change him!  Not reacting to the crazy over time stops it in its tracks.  I am horrible at validating, but CAN control my reaction.  Yes, it still hurts; the awful things he sometimes says, but going over and over the lessons and working on myself has minimized the rages and mean words.  The healthier I get, the better our relationship gets.  I tell myself I am teflon coated - I must let the mean words just slide off.  Again, it is not easy, but if you keep working at it, you can make things better for yourself and your children.

Keep us posted on how you are doing!

[waverider]

Living alongside delusions without constantly wanting to realign it is difficult. Learning to validate without agreeing to it is a skill.

Yep, I hear you think the moon is made of cheese, I can see that you think that would probably mean mice would like to live there. I see how mice would want to live on a planet of cheese.

Validation without agreeing. You really dont need to get into an argument about the fact it is really made of rock. You know it, thats your reality you don't need to sell it. Its not going to affect your life if she thinks the moon is made of cheese.

Being constantly corrected creates a defensive environment, where you are both constantly primed for the next blow up about nothing important.

[waverider]

She wont accept this

... she'll still resent me for wanting and having a life.

until you accept this

Even if I get to a point where I can validate like a pro, she'll still blame me for her feelings, she'll still have social anxiety and not want to go out anywhere,

It becomes a two way pay off.

I now have that life, by accepting she doesn't and is not a failure for not wanting it.

[Daniell85]

I can see why you have that fear of her never wanting a social life. I always want my significant other involved so we can do things together and have fun. It's really hard not to get that.

There is that old saying that past behavior predicts future behavior. I can get really caught up in that, becoming despondent or feeling hopeless. Then I remember there are a lot of things I can do to shift the dynamic. I feel a bit better. Shifting the dynamic, even a little, can inspire me enough to keep going or try harder.

I have severe anxiety problems at times. The social anxiety thing. Wow, it's awfully hard. The worst times I have are in stores where there are lots of people popping out of nowhere.

My boyfriend and I prefer quieter things sometimes, like going for a walk somewhere peaceful. Is your wife able to leave the house, does she like spending time with you out of the house at all, in simple calm ways?

[Ceruleanblue]

My wife (43F) of 15years I think has BPD. Undiagnosed, but MY psychs have suggested it.

We've had a horrible last few days. Every conversation turns very bad. But I realise I have been invalidating her. Mostly because I can't believe what comes out her mouth. Her "view" of things just differs from mine so much that it stumps me.

Well, I often think that BPDh's view differs so much from mine because he doesn't see reality, or accept any responsibility. He spends almost zero time self reflecting or thinking what he could have done differently. I, on the other hand, have to spend too much time doing that, due to HIM. It's unfair, but it seems to be part of BPD life. Plus, my BPDh is highly, highly narcissistic so everything is about me pleasing him, while me and my feelings and needs go unmet.

It's tough, and so many of us on here live this daily. Just know you are not alone. I'd have more useful suggestions, but right now I'm struggling with lots of the same things.

[ArleighBurke]

Thank you all.

Like everyone, it's a hard and weary road. Sometimes we falter. I will find my strength again and continue on.