my BPD SO repeatedly calls off our engagement during times of quarrel

[lovergirl88]

Hi there. So im new here. i've read up alot about BPD over the years, and although my fiance has never been officially diagnosed with BPD, i know him well enough to know that he is quite likely a high-functioning BPD.

We have been together for... .10 years... and we've been engaged about 1.5 years...

It takes me so much strength to say this now, because all i feel when i think of him now is great sadness & pain, but we fell in love with each other because we could understand each other's heart very well and it just felt very natural to be around each other. I have been there for him when he was facing the worst betrayal in his life, i was there for him when nobody believed him and all was taken away from him. I am definitely not perfect and i have made many mistakes, esp before i knew about BPD, but the point is i was there for him, with him, through thick and thin. Even when his own family couldnt stand him, i was there. When he was hospitalised, i was there. When he started his business, i tried my best to help out in whatever small ways i could. Not to mention he was ill-treating me during his time of great stress & betrayal. All i can say is that the things that i have been through with him, not many women would be resilient/strong enough to take it, but i was able to hold up, of course with God's strength...

But the thing that hurts me most right now, after all these years, is how impulsive he is in calling off the relationship/breaking off the wedding plans, whenever we have a major quarrel. When we have a major quarrel, he no longer views me as his beloved wife but he views me as his greatest enemy. He would do things which he knew would REALLY hurt me. At that moment, it is as if he is unable to recall any of the good i have done for him, and the person that i really am, but instead he thinks of me as evil and dark and he just wants to destroy me. Then once the storm is over and we have made up, he apologizes profusely for the pain he has caused me by initiating the breakup, and waves off those those threats as "words he said while he was stressed & angry". And things go back to "normal" again.

I noticed that over the years, his acting out had been progressing from bad to worse. When we were dating, he used to threaten with break-up. Then when we got engaged, he threatened to take back the engagement ring and call off the engagement. Then when we got to the stage where we bought the wedding bands and even applied for a house together (which is currently now), he has just threatened to cancel the house application and demanded for the wedding rings back. To me, it was just a small quarrel that we had, [i might have triggered him by walking out on him because i couldnt take the verbal & emotional abuse he was hurling at me], but it got so bad until he went to rally the support of all his friends & family, to "prove" to me that "this relationship is really over" and that "we would never work out together". He pasted me their conversations to "show" their support of his decision to leave me, and when i refused to take any of his calls and blocked him, he resorted to getting my other family members involved and sent messages to them to get them to get me to "return back the engagement ring, wedding bands, and fill up the house cancellation form".

To make matters worse, when he realised that i was ignoring his messages and calls, he even threatened to ruin my reputation in the church community, and threatened to sue me (if i didnt return the things he wanted) and make life hell for me. I was stunned and shocked and in too much disbelief, because it was unthinkable for him to do such things to me. I was used to him calling off the engagement & calling off the house, but it was a shock to me that he would threaten to defame me among family & friends and that he seemed bent on utterly destroying my life, to "punish" me and "make me pay".

What he is doing is really causing me great pain, but as much as i love him, i am not sure if i want to take anymore of this torture of repeated "breakups", only to have them waived off once he has changed his mind yet again. I am scared and i fear for my future with him. I just quit my job, and was considering to join him to help expand his business, but now that i think of it, i am not sure if in the future if he gets mad over something, will he just stop paying me my wages, or will he threaten a divorce and lawsuit etc. He is entirely capable of being utterly ruthless and heartless once he is in his dark moods.

I know that if i were to stay on with him, i need to be prepared for the possibilities of him using anything & everything against me, so i will have to be very careful and be practical about certain things, ie. still have our own seperate bank accounts, ensure that the house has both our names on it and that we will own 50-50, have my own group of friends & support who will be there for me when he is turning the whole world on me. It would probably be wise to also have my own income outside with my own regular job, rather than be solely reliant on him to bring home the bacon from the business. In case anything happens.

I am tired, and i feel like i have just been stabbed in the heart a million times over. I have packed up all the things that he wanted back, including the engagement ring and wedding rings, and lots of other gifts that he has given me over the years and will be sending them by post back to his address. I will probably also fill out the cancellation form that he wants for the house, but that would mean forfeiting about 7-8K of money (each) that we had already forked out in downpayments for the house. It makes me sad because i would never cancel on marriage and the house because i really meant on staying together with him. It was a commitment i wanted to keep. But if he is demanding a breakup i have my own pride too and i won't beg him to stay or anything of the sort, although it is painful and heart wrenching for me to do this. I will give him what he wants. He needs to realize that u can't just say things without any consequences...

By tomorrow, the things will have been sent over to him, including the cancellation form.

I have not yet checked my messages, but i know he will probably be saying sorry and "giving me a chance to explain myself to see if we can reconcile again, if not we move on from here".

I feel like this is a sick joke.

You can't just say things and take them back the next day

I feel at a loss

I don't know how to move on from here.

Or what to feel anymore

My entire future re-written by him in a fit of anger

I wish he knew how much he has hurt me

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[isilme]

Lover girl,

Sorry, I am in a similar boat today.  We've been together 19 years, and have been making plans for a wedding-moon trip next spring.  He proposed after 18 years together, but while I'd been hurt at how long it took, had made my personal peace with it, and was truly happy when he gave me a ring.

This June, after some research with a travel agent and discussions with FI, we decided (I thought together, but he's acting like I came up with this idea all in my own) to out down the beginning deposits and fees to reserve our date and room at the place we'd planned to marry.

Since June, twice now, he has entered into a rage and threatened me with calling it all off.  When angry, it's almost like he is happy to have this leverage over me.  Also his incidence of rages seem to be increasing, and getting longer.  He resent my trying to save up for the trip, discussing ring purchases, and complains all the time that "we have no money" acting as though I forbid him money somehow.  He insisted on joining bank accounts last December, and overall left all finances to me.  Which is just convenient I see now for him to shirk responsibility. 

He is hurting a lot inside, I think from gentle ribbing from long time friends about finally making things "legal" and blames me of course, as if I'd want friends to hurt him.  Last night he threw out a strange comment about how I "complain about pining for a baby", something I have NEVER done.  I come from a very bad home, and fear motherhood.  Saying I'd work on it should I conceive is a lot different than "pining" for a child.  I have no idea where he got that, or what friend gave him a seed of that thought o grow.

Anyway, intellectually I can realize that when he hurts, hewants others to hurt, too.  He wants me to feel as bad as he does,mans will stoop as low as he needs to to do so.  If he wants a fight, he will try to pick one.  We'd just doing so well for the last few years, I missed the signs recently and have been pretty invalidating.  But really, I never learned how to validate feelings he has about my or my conduct that are so off, so insulting, and so hurtful.  And walking away when you live together is not easy.  I am here to see how to work again on not making things worse.  I am having some anxiety and panic issues myself, and fighting a cold, so this is most unwelcome. 

I'm sorry you, too are facing this.  Have you spoken frankly to your clergy to make sure attempts to smear your name are not successful?  Family is another story, and I don't know how to help there.

I'm sorry

[Loosestrife]

Hi both,

I'm going through this after only 2 years and we are not even married yet. My pwBPD keeps saying it will be better when we live together and get married. Did  things get any better at all once you made a  financial/legal commitment to your partners?

Thanks

[SurfNTurf]

Im sorry to report it does not get better after committment/marriage. The mask comes off and behaviors get more crazy. Read many posts on this site, read the articles andlessons before committing. A BPD marriage is a lonely one.

Many years ago, i was engaged to a guy who threated break up with every disagreement. I got sick of hearing it, so the last time he threatened I said, 'ok' ... .He was surprised I called his bluff and my life was more peaceful after we broke up... .til i met my next BPD... .

[milo1967]

You were me thirteen years ago. ALL the BPD red flags were there, the earliest of which included those you mention: when we had even the slightest argument, she would threaten to call off the engagement. Then the marriage. I was always stunned. To me it was just a disagreement, just a fight. Eleven years later she abandoned our family, destroying me and our children as her mask came completely off and I was plunged into hell. I now have to struggle through another ten years of non-existent, terribly stressful "coparenting." Make no mistake: I loved her. But please, run. Run fast, and don't look back. Don't be me.

[isilme]

I think the shock for me lately has been the revisiting of these intense rages.  Moodiness, depression problems, anxiety, mild passive aggressiveness have been the norm, not the violent outbursts where everything in the world is my fault.  That was us 10 years ago.  I found this site in 08, and was able to use the Lessons better and it all seemed to help.  I'm worried the approaching wedding, and the new-to-us travel is going to prove too much for him, until we get there.  Our trips are all short ones, close by, four hours from home. I want a real vacation before I am 40(I'll be 39next spring).  I just want someone to help me and support me in this, not fight me each step.  I really feel on my own.  I realize somehow he feels that way too, but from my POV, I'm constantly on his side, helping, doing.  But it is rarely fully reciprocated.

[Loosestrife]

I think the shock for me lately has been the revisiting of these intense rages.  Moodiness, depression problems, anxiety, mild passive aggressiveness have been the norm, not the violent outbursts where everything in the world is my fault.  That was us 10 years ago.  I found this site in 08, and was able to use the Lessons better and it all seemed to help.  I'm worried the approaching wedding, and the new-to-us travel is going to prove too much for him, until we get there.  Our trips are all short ones, close by, four hours from home. I want a real vacation before I am 40(I'll be 39next spring).  I just want someone to help me and support me in this, not fight me each step.  I really feel on my own.  I realize somehow he feels that way too, but from my POV, I'm constantly on his side, helping, doing.  But it is rarely fully reciprocated.

From what I've read so far, it doesn't sound like BPD relationships are ever reciprocal and the good periods only ever last a short period of time. My heart goes out to you, it is indeed. Very lonely life path.

SNT/Milo67- sage advice, thankz. I am defo mulling it over 

[lovergirl88]

thanks to everyone here who shared their experiences here with me...  

i cannot tell you how much it means to me to know that i am sane and not that my perception is flawed or anything...

although it really really really hurts to know that this is really what it is, BPD behaviour in its full glory... and that what he is doing, it is really happening...

dear isilme, thank you so much for echoing your thoughts & experiences - our stories ring with such familiarity that it is both disconcerting & relieving at the same time. I have experienced what u yourself have experienced, on every single holiday trip that we have went to, every wedding preparation (wedding bands, house, venue, dinner etc.), he would start out all excited in the beginning, but later on cool off and more often than not left most of the planning to me. He would get moody and easily irritable when we needed to sit down to plan out those details. He said he wasn't the planning kind. (but yet he does that for a living, he is a project consultant who has to coordinate & plan works on site - ironic!) He said exactly the same words your SO said, about "we don't have enough money", and he says that ALL the time, and uses it to make me feel bad that he has to work so hard to earn that amount of $$ we need in order to get married. Although ive told him as million times that i'm not asking for alot, and i feel that he is just kinda finding excuses to make me feel bad for wanting to spend that amount of $$ on the wedding/trips.

Oh. and if u are wondering. we fought on every. single. trip. and it was always because he was too uptight couldn't stop thinking about $$ or work... and it made me feel pissed that he was zoning out and not enjoying the holiday with me... can u imagine travelling on holiday with someone who u never know might blow up the next second? that was what it was like with him. the weather was unpredictable

I know how u feel too when u say that you never learned how to validate feelings he has about your supposed conduct/behaviour that is so off, so insulting, and so hurting. Being with a BPD for almost 10 years (half your time, Good Lord i don't know how u do it!) i can tell you that i just wasn't able to do it too. There may be some strong souls out there who have the fortitude & strength to validate their BP's feelings, but I don't think it is humanely possible for myself. Already i am having a hard time making sure to keep my head above the water, and making a huge mental fight not to believe the negative & untrue & painful things he says about me - I think i would go insane if i had to validate what the my BPbf was saying all the time! Please take comfort too that my BPbf is also always "getting seeds planted in his head", with absurd & illogical ideas from the things that he claimed his friends/family said. I feel that it is more like he portrayed a poor little victim image to them so that they sincerely thought that i was being a b___. He is famous for doing that to me, painting me in a bad light when he wants to garner supporters  Either that or he utterly misinterprets & misconstrues their comments/advice to him ie. he just wants to hear what he wants to hear and he filters out the rest... whatever the case, if u want to live to see tomorrow, please do always always love & take care of yourself first before loving & taking care of your BPD SO... .

I couldn't believe it but yes i actually found the courage to call his bluff today. for once. i wanted to send him the items by post, but the postal company had this stupid policy that u had to stick a label with the sender/receiver's address on it, so i was worried that he might have my current address in full detail, so i decided to deliver it to his doorstep personally. I was taking a night exam paper from 7.30-9.30pm, went home to collect the stuffs and took a cab down to his place and left the box on his doorstep around 11plus. Left quietly and sent him an email to notify him only after i had left the vicinity safely. I kept my word that the items would be returned by Monday.

Now the ball is in his court. I told him in the email that i accepted this decision that he made for us (without consulting me, and instead he went to consult the whole world other than me) and that i'm moving on and to leave me alone.

He is obviously feeling the pinch now and is desperately trying to contact me (i've received so many missed calls & texts) because he "wants me to know what i did wrong, and he also wants to know what he did wrong to upset me". Right now i'm just taking some time off and taking one day at a time... i would like to move on from this eventually, but i have a feeling he will have cold feet about the house cancellation and will probably not go through with it... and beg me to talk things over...

i am prepared to give up that sum of money, but if he doesnt cancel, the house purchase goes on, and i might be tempted to stay & work things out given the amount of money i would loose and the financial consequences if we gave up the home... i really dont know sigh

milo & surf&turf, your words are ringing in my ears... i know only too well the scary consequences... but i really don't know what tomorrow will bring and i am not sure if i am really able to take my foot out, since 1 foot has already been placed in the purchase of the house... it is a commitment after all... .

[rotiroti]

Thank you for sharing your experience everyone. When I was returned the ring it was clear that she didn't want to get married. Reading your story has reminded me that I made I made the right decision

[isilme]

lovergirl,

Yeah, I pretty much do all planning for trips, the majority of the driving, car care, pack shared items, take care of the pets before leaving, and then get my own stuff in order and clean house, while he pretty much stresses about getting his own stuff together.

And to him, if we are not rich, we are broke.  If we must exercise discretion with spending, we are broke.  I told him where we stand today, and he's like "1/2 way through the month and through your paycheck and half my first one is bad."  But he never realizes we are doing better with his check split, so we get half at the mid point, and so at least we'll never be unable to buy groceries.  We are trying to accomplish a lot right now around the house, with a car needing some repair, and still save up and pay for our planned trip for the wedding.  So no, we're not broke, but we ARE encumbering a lot of money and so shouldn't go spend-happy, or buy friends drinks all night (when he goes out, he's bad about this).  So no, we are not rich, but we are getting to a reasonably comfortable level, but it takes time, and we both have been underpaid for a long, long time.  This is the first year we've been able to have ANY real savings at all.  We were able to help fund his recent HS reunion.  A few years back, we could never have done that.  We just got out of the dip from my layoff and then un-employed status for a few months (I was unemployed 2 weeks, then only allowed 30 hours instead of 40 for a few months) and his quitting of his previous job for over a month last fall.  So yeah, all things considered, I think we are doing pretty well.  But he goes by feelings instead of facts.  And having ANY money between checks at all is unheard of for us, so again, I think we are doing okay.

And I think a lot of the money worries come from a passive-aggressive fear for the actual trip.  It took me 3 weeks to get him to sign the paperwork to get his birth certificate sent to us.  I am now dreading the passport ordeal, and then prepping for a plane trip (he's never been on a passenger plane, I've only been once way before all the restrictions).

Sigh.  He tells me he's not a child, and that I shouldn't ever treat him like one, but then I have to take care of everything, and I don't think I can always help fighting expressing the exasperation and exhaustion that can lead to.  I see him as an adult, and know when he's actually applying himself and doing things he can do them.  But fighting through the emotions is what's hard.

Like I said, for many years, we were doing much much better, with few of these super-huge outbursts, but lately, I guess the stress from the reunion, and the solidifying wedding plans have him more and more nervous.