What to respond in this conversation?

[ArleighBurke]

I am learning to validate. What a challange!

When my partner tells me my actions were disrespectful/mean/unloving etc, I can explore how she feels. I can try to see it from her point of view - I can try to validate.

Often she then asks "So why did you do it?" or some variation. How do I respond to that?

I WANT to say: "because there was nothing wrong with what I did" - but that doesn't work. (Because in her mind when I've just validated her feelings, I've just agreed that what I did was hurtful. When actually I've agreed that I can see how it could hurt HER - big difference)

So what is the answer?  - I'm sorry I wasn't thinking? (this just supports her theory I'm stupid)

                                - I don't know - I'll try to do better next time (it hurts me so much to put-down myself)

                                - I did exactly what you asked me to do last time... .! 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[vortex of confusion]

I was wondering if you could give a specific example.

I also wonder if you could come up with some phrases other than, "Because I wasn't thinking".

How might she react if you said, "It seemed like a good idea at the time." 

Have you read much about SET?

Have you tried to avoid invalidating rather than focusing so much on validating? I think that was an important step for me. When my husband shares something with me that I think is crap, I can smile and nod and let him know that I am listening without necessarily validating.

I struggled with validating because it seemed like validating him was invalidating myself and I didn't want to do that.

[OffRoad]

Often she then asks "So why did you do it?" or some variation. How do I respond to that?

As a suggestion, you might try something like, "It was not my intention to be disrespectful/mean/unloving. I'm still working on better communication."

Both are true.

But before you blanketly validate, if she says you have said something hurtful, you might try "Hmmm. I never thought of it that way. I'll have to reassess my conversation skills. Thank you for your input." and wander off with a confused look on your face. Your mileage may vary. I can only use this one about once a month.

[formflier]

 

Slowing down conversations is important... .they can quickly get out of hand.

So... ."I haven't looked it from that perspective... .please allow me some time to consider this point of view... "

Then... .change subject... .

VOC is on the money when she says focus on avoiding invalidation first.  That's actually easier because usually... .you just have to hush.

In validating... .you have to find the right "target" or "emotion"... .

FF

[waverider]

The trap that is being sprung here is being guilted into validating the invalid, followed up by then being guilted into JADE (Justify,Argue, Defend, Explain, ), which shifts you onto to weaker and weaker justifications.

To slow it down, concentrate on not invalidating rather than positive validation which often trips you up until you are completely sure.

Validation is more about hearing and acknowledging they have an issue about something rather than agreeing that their view of the issue is the right one.

Avoid using "I understand" an "I agree with you". Those are heard as blanket approval. Followed up with "if you understand/argree why are you being critical?" approach to expose you as being false in your claim to understand.

>> I can hear what you are seeing, and I can see how that makes you feel, my feelings on the matter on the other hand are different

[ArleighBurke]

Thanks all.

Not validating but not invalidating is an interesting concept. I'll look at that.

[waverider]

Thanks all.

Not validating but not invalidating is an interesting concept. I'll look at that.

9 points of validation can quickly be overturned by one point of invalidation. So learning how not to invalidate often teaches how to be more affective when validating