How do you find out if BPD is cheating?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My gut is screaming at me that there is someone else.  I have had this feeling many times during my marriage.  She is constantly texting on her cell phone and on facebook.  Her phone never leaves her side.  When I question her on it she gets angry and defensive.  How do I get proof?

[workinprogress]

My gut is screaming at me that there is someone else.  I have had this feeling many times during my marriage.  She is constantly texting on her cell phone and on facebook.  Her phone never leaves her side.  When I question her on it she gets angry and defensive.  How do I get proof?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Infern0]

My gut is screaming at me that there is someone else.  I have had this feeling many times during my marriage.  She is constantly texting on her cell phone and on facebook.  Her phone never leaves her side.  When I question her on it she gets angry and defensive.  How do I get proof?

Look for the red flags and leave enough rope... .

usually gut instincts should be trusted.

Hows the intimacy? is she getting dolled up to go out and meet "friends"

[Bpdwifelife]

I also have my phone by my side all the time - I hide it when I take a shower but not because I am cheating and also not because my pwBPD invades my privacy. He has however broken my phone a couple times which is why I do that and I do not want him to read any of my messages that are mostly about out r/s and his BPD issues. I keep in constant communication with my family and friends. Saying that, he knows I am not cheating and doesn't even notice how closely I guard my phone. He leaves his out all the time - puts it in my purse when we go out. I have full access to his phone and if I didn't I would probably feel very suspicious of him. I'll put it this way. I have access to his Facebook, Instagram, phone, text messages, and emails. Additionally his google account is tied to mine so I can see every internet search he makes - not just since weve been together but since he had the account 3 years before we met. There is no better way to know a person or where their head is at than having this information. He does not know I know this information but if I didn't have it I would have probably left by now. Knowing that he isn''t a cheater, a porn addict or a perv helps me cope with all the other issues I have to cope with.

My uBPDh gave me all his passwords in the beginning of our r/s so I could check his email for him - he uses the same password for all his accounts. When he gave me his gmail password to add his email to my phone that linked up his gmail/google search history to mine so I could then see everything. He doesn't know what "Incognito" means. I know he is not using it or any private browser because once every two or three months he does search for porn. His porn usage is so minimal and vanilla/bengin - it does not bother me at all - it reassures me that he is normal in this way. He has no videos or images downloaded on his phone except for our home movies. I could pick up his phone while he is sitting right next to me and go through everything and he wouldn't notice if he was wrapped up in something else.

I have easy access to all this and I know it is an invasion of his privacy but with everything I've had to deal with I needed to know who he was and where his head was at. It has helped me and I can trust him in this way. Without this information, I wouldn't feel that way at all and I could not give him the benefit of the doubt. So I understand why you need to know this and how important it is to you.

If you feel that she is cheating, she may very well be. But she may not be. Again, being protective of her phone may not mean anything - as it does not in my case. Is her time unaccounted for? Do you have any access to her phone? Are you prepared to deal with whatever you may find there? I never had to try to hack his phone or passwords and since we are married and I pay for his phone I have every legal right to it - just as he has every legal right to my phone. It is marital property. Because it is marital property I could have downloaded some kind of spyware but in my case I didn't need to. He uses google maps to go down the street (I think he likes hearing the electronic lady say "in 100 feet turn left... ." so I can also see everywhere he goes through google maps on my phone. He has no idea. There are some downsides - for example I knew what he was getting me for Christmas, birthdays etc so I am never surprised. I do feel guilty about that but for the peace of mind I get knowing where his head is at is worth it to me and I love him more actually for this. I can trust him totally in SOME ways, in others not so much.

When my brothers wife was cheating on him - he didn't have access to her phone. He hired a private investigator and used a DNA lab for semen sample comparisons on her underwear. They are now divorced.

I have to cope with a lot of issues with my uBPDh - but cheating isn't one of them. He has never done anything inappropriate with other women. He goes out of his way to ignore attractive women when we are out together out of respect for me. I never asked him to do this and I am not jealous but it is these things about him that make the other issues easier to handle. If he was a cheater or a porn addict or a player or any of those things we would be divorced. Zero tolerance for infidelity. Best of luck to you but make sure you can handle whatever it is you may find. If you find nothing then that may provide the peace of mind that you need to cope as it does for me. Good luck.

[SummerStorm]

Hi workinprogress.   

I think there are definitely multiple ways to look at this situation.  My former friend BPD actually cheated with me, so I do have a bit of insight to offer.  In general, she is always on her phone.  And if she happens to not be on it, it's in her pocket.  She is obsessed with Facebook and Buzzfeed, and whenever a conversation became not about her, she would just get on her phone and ignore whatever I was saying. 

She told me multiple times that her boyfriend would not only never look through her things, but that it wouldn't even occur to him that he should.  Basically, she was gloating about the fact that she is able to hide things and that she found a guy who is oblivious, making it even easier for her to hide things.

Her boyfriend also works long hours and works at night, so she rarely saw him, even after she moved in with him.  That made it easier for her to come home from work and text me for hours at a time.  She didn't have to hide her actions from anyone.  But I can tell you that, at the height of everything that went on between us, probably a good 90% of the time she spent on her phone was spent texting/sexting me. 

My xpwBPD can't seem to make long-term plans for hanging out with friends or getting a job, but she can make plans for who her current partner's replacement will be.  She was also a master at making plans to cheat without her boyfriend suspecting anything.  Here are just a few examples:

1) Chose to cheat on him with her best friend, a person whose name he heard regularly.  Early on, when she started spending a few nights a week at his place, she even left her phone on the nightstand and allowed him to check her messages for her, so he read texts that I sent her.   

2) Made sure that her boyfriend and I never crossed paths, even before she started sleeping with me.  This allowed her to build lies about him and also separated me from everything, so that I would feel less guilty about having an affair with her. 

3) Is openly bisexual but never mentioned to her boyfriend that I am also bisexual.     

4) Would sleep over at my house (and have sex with me) during the week, when we would both have to get up early and go to work the next morning, but would spend every weekend with him.  He was very aware that she was sleeping over at my house, and when he texted me with her phone to tell me that she had been taken to the hospital after trying to commit suicide, he even thanked me for "taking care of her" when he wasn't around. 

5) Would sleep over at my house (and have sex with me) when she had a legitimate reason to.  Once, on a Thursday, she scheduled a dentist appointment and also an appointment to drop her car off for inspection the next day.  That meant that she needed to stay over at my house, so I could drive her to work the next day and then drive her to pick up her car after work.  Another time, she stayed over because we had a meeting after work and didn't want to drive home.  She once made plans to stay over for a whole weekend.  She canceled them when she decided to break things off with me and stay with him (one of the many times she did this), but it was all based on the fact that she had to work at her second job, which was an hour away from where they live, on Friday and Sunday nights and didn't want to keep driving back and forth all weekend. 

The point is, every move was calculated. 

Every situation is different.  Maybe your wife just gets bored easily and is on her phone a lot because she's playing games, browsing the internet, checking the weather, reading the news.  And in general, people are just on their phone all the time.  A few weeks ago, I went out to lunch with a friend, and she checked Facebook several times in the middle of us eating lunch. But, on the other hand, maybe she is cheating, even if it's just emotionally. 

There are two questions you should ask yourself. 

The first is: Is there opportunity?  My uncle cheated on my aunt when he got a job promotion and had to start going on business trips.  My co-worker's husband cheated on her because they work completely different shifts and because he helps with a local car racing team and is often gone on Friday nights.  My exBPD got home from work after her boyfriend left for work and left for work while he was sleeping.   

The second is: Does she hide things, or at least have some "sketchy" behaviors?  My exBPD has tons of saved addresses in her GPS, but she doesn't label what any of them are.  And, as I've already mentioned, she made sure I never met her boyfriend, even when she and I were just friends.  Are there any people in your wife's life who are supposedly very important to her, but whom you haven't met?  If you were to walk behind her when she's on her phone, would she try to hide it from you? 

[Skip]

Have you looked at the phone bill?

[isilme]

I as about to make Skip's suggestion, and tell you to check the phone bill if you have access.  You can look at the numbers called and texted, and if you know those of friends and family, you can pinpoint the odd ones. 

Years ago, FI was bad about "emotional cheating" where he'd pick a girl-Friday to impress and to feed his need for positive social interaction (I was working FT by this time, dead tired a lot, and he craved that "new" feeling), and he'd paint me black to get sympathy.  It'd not last once the girls finally met me, usually, because I'd like to think I'm not the insensitive monster he painted me out to be, and often the'yd stop contact with him not long after meeting me. 

Things came to a head when he went off to attend a wedding as a new friend's date (bear in mind he and I have been together 10 years at this point), and he was at a point where he was considering her over me.  It took me backing away from him, buying my own car, and preparing to leave for things to settle down.  But I checked the phone records obsessively, looking for her and any other number.  It was good after a while, though, because I was able to verify they'd stopped communicating at the same time he swore they had. 

If you have online access to the bill, check it away from home, so you'll have the freedom to do so without triggering any outbursts.  And don't disclose how you found out if she IS cheating.  You may need that access again, and you don't want her going out and getting a track phone or something on the side. 

[ponco]

I think that if she gets very defensive and never leaves her phone unattended that's just as big as her cheating. The trust is just not here

[workinprogress]

Thanks for all the replies.

First off, the phone is in her name, so I don't have access to her bill.  It goes to her place of business.

Secondly, she will go through periods (like now) where she won't even look at me, like she is ashamed or something.  One other time she was like this I found out she was doing speed dating on the internet.

Also, her shirt had what I believed to be semen on it.  I do the laundry and she changed and didn't put it in the laundry basket, but put it aside.

Another thing is she used dryer sheets on her clothes.  Not in the dryer, but I think to mask any smells that may be on  them.

During many years of our marriage she would rarely bathe and she would wear the same bra everyday without changing it.  Now she changes her bra everyday and bathes before going to work every morning.

I also overheard her say that the delivery guy at work told her that she was sexy.  (She told her parents this.)

[formflier]

Also, her shirt had what I believed to be semen on it.  I do the laundry and she changed and didn't put it in the laundry basket, but put it aside.

Another thing is she used dryer sheets on her clothes.  Not in the dryer, but I think to mask any smells that may be on  them.

you can google for test kits to verify if it is semen or not.

Here is the thing... .IMO... .many times the investigation does more damage than the act that is being investigated. 

So... .be very careful... .

There are many reasons for being protective of a phone... .that don't involve cheating.

So... .bigger question.  If she is cheating... .what will you do?  If this is dealbreaker in the r/s for you... .then you need to figure this out.  If it is dealbreaker... .then it is valuable... .so expect to put time and money into it.  Hire a professional... .

If it is not a dealbreaker... then I suggest watching and waiting.  The truth usually comes out... .

FF

[workinprogress]

It really dawned on me tonight on what my problem really is... .I became a beta male.  I let her somehow get control of our marriage.  Everything became all about her.

I am biding my time to keep the family intact... .I really can't get a clear answer from within on what to do.  So, I will continue to strengthen myself.  When it is time to make a move one way or another, I will do it.

I have learned a great deal about myself throughout all of this.  I have to say that I am honestly 100% disappointed in myself.

[ponco]

It really dawned on me tonight on what my problem really is... .I became a beta male.  I let her somehow get control of our marriage.  Everything became all about her.

I am biding my time to keep the family intact... .I really can't get a clear answer from within on what to do.  So, I will continue to strengthen myself.  When it is time to make a move one way or another, I will do it.

I have learned a great deal about myself throughout all of this.  I have to say that I am honestly 100% disappointed in myself.

Cheer up man, people with BPD have an amazing skill to slowly turn us into well trained beasts without us noticing.

But once you start picking up these signals it starts getting better and slowly recover your previous self.

Best wishes.

[workinprogress]

It really dawned on me tonight on what my problem really is... .I became a beta male.  I let her somehow get control of our marriage.  Everything became all about her.

I am biding my time to keep the family intact... .I really can't get a clear answer from within on what to do.  So, I will continue to strengthen myself.  When it is time to make a move one way or another, I will do it.

I have learned a great deal about myself throughout all of this.  I have to say that I am honestly 100% disappointed in myself.

Cheer up man, people with BPD have an amazing skill to slowly turn us into well trained beasts without us noticing.

But once you start picking up these signals it starts getting better and slowly recover your previous self.

Best wishes.

Thanks.  I'm more angry at myself than anything.  I guess my best bet is to disengage from her a bit.

[workinprogress]

I made a suggestion to someone here the other day. It's a book for men called "The Way of The Superior Man" by David Deida. If you apply his principles and teachings you won't be beta you won't be alpha you will be the King of your life. He is a deeply spiritual teacher and he has some incredible insight for men

www.deida.info

I appreciate the suggestion.  I don't think I was a full-fledged alpha, but I had many of the traits.  I was well respected and so forth... .I will order the book and see if it helps.  Thanks again.

[workinprogress]

Interesting events that may be related.  My wife had been very cold with me but acting happy other than that.  Well, last night she was very somber.  She said some man had been coming into her business and he came onto her.  She said that she told him that she was married.

Now she is concerned that he may start following her.

This story reeks of BS to me.