Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:00:30 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
Pages: 1   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Has your pwBPD made all their friends hate you? Ever exposed your pwBPD?  (Read 688 times)
ElroySpace

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« on: July 14, 2015, 06:36:36 AM »

My currently ex-pwBPD made all her friends hate me beyond belief. Even though she doesn't have a lot it's something else how they have NO idea about her BPD. Have you ever thought  about or actually have exposed your BPD lover to their friends/family? I have countless recordings and proof of violence to me from her. Another thing... .Do you think friends of people with BPD have severe deep underlying issues of their own to somehow be their friend even though they don't get the heat of their BPD? I don't think too highly of her friends either. It's just an assumption that they have problems.
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2015, 07:24:20 AM »

Welcome

Relationship dynamics around pwBPD, as you are finding, are full of smoke and mirrors, with people constantly being played against each other. Rarely does anyone get the full story, including you.

If people are meeting the needs of the pwBPD they are often painted white, if they are not they are painted black. The roles change frequently.

You are onto something in regards to those who get close to pwBPD often have their own issues, and that regrettably includes yourself.

To deal with this we have to identify why we were drawn to them, and we also have to learn to let go of how we are portrayed to others.

"Exposing" the disorder gets you nowhere except deeper in conflict, and further into frustration

Work you way through the lessons on the right and this will lead you through the steps to work out your own involvement in the dynamics

Keep reading and posting there is lots to learn here

Waverider
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
takingandsending
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2015, 02:37:42 PM »

ElroySpace,

Sorry that you are getting painted black ... .maybe pitch black to your ex's friends. For a lot of us who get involved with pwBPD, we have a need to be seen as white. I think that's part of why we are so attracted to them in the first place. They fill that need and then some when they are in the idealization phase. I know that for me, I really loved the attention, adoration etc. that my wife heaped on when we first met. I think that's why it hurts that much more when I realized that it was mostly based on fear.

Back to your question, I have shared with some of her friends that she has BPD. In retrospect, I don't think it has helped her or me much. I did so partially to ask for help and support with what I have been dealing with (mostly why I ask for occasional child care support for my two sons), but also hoping that knowing might lead to some understanding of her white/black behavior with her friends so that they wouldn't ditch her when she dysregulated with them. In the end, it didn't really improve my support system that much - they were her friends and maybe already think I am a cold, unloving husband based on her complaints about me. And I don't think it has led to more understanding or support of my wife by her friends either. I am learning to accept that this is going to be her experience.

If you aren't close with her friends, I'd suggest just letting them have their bad impressions of you. Just be true to yourself, and seek validation from yourself and those you can trust.
Logged

Ceruleanblue
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2015, 02:55:16 PM »

I personally would not expose her to her friends, because they wouldn't believe you. They aren't seeing that side of her, and they'll eventually figure it out on their own if/when it does get unleashed on them.

I don't feel I was drawn to BPDh because he was like this, as I didn't KNOW he was like this. I didn't start seeing any BPD traits until after we'd married. He his it so well. I clearly became co dependent though after he started exhibiting though. I'm working hard to not be that anymore.

I once had a friend that I knew treated others not so great, but she treated me fine. I just kept in mind that someday my turn would come and it did. I didn't feel very badly because I'd seen she could be that way, so didn't take it personally. At least that girl was open/honest. People with BPD rarely are, and they hide what they are from the person they are currently getting their needs met from.
Logged
SummerStorm
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 926



« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2015, 09:39:00 AM »

My former friend BPD (4 weeks NC, enforced by her) was diagnosed less than 2 weeks before she went NC with me.  After, I spent 3 weeks texting her boyfriend, trying to get him to make her return several things she borrowed from me. 

One of the things we need to do as Nons is figure out our own issues, and it's clear that my former friend's boyfriend and I have a lot of the same ones.  We are passive.  We are completely drawn in by her.  We want to "save" her.  We want to keep working on making things better, while failing to realize that we are the only ones doing any work.  And worst of all, we are so trusting that we believe her lies, or at least I did until I came out of the FOG. 

A few weeks ago, I told him a story about how she raged on me for something so silly, so insignificant, that I'm still trying to figure out why it received that reaction.  He told me that it was "messed up."  Then, he said that she's been flipping out on him for no reason, and that he isn't sure if the relationship will work, but that he wants to keep trying.  In the meantime, she told him to stop talking to me, but wouldn't give him a reason why.  He kept talking to me anyway, though it started only being about getting my stuff back, and it became maybe twice a week, rather than almost every day. 

I became increasingly frustrated by not getting my stuff back and by the fact that it seemed like he wasn't trying hard enough and was accepting her excuses for why she hadn't sent it yet.  So, I let loose one day and told him that she's been hiding things from him, and that she's lied about so many things.  I never heard anything back from him.  The next day, I went on his Facebook page, and there was a message about how much he loves her and about how she's "wife material."

So, it went from "I don't know if this will work" to "She's wife material" in about a week's time.  And now he won't talk to me. 

He knows that she's been diagnosed with BPD, hopefully.  It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't tell him or lied to him about her diagnosis.  Whenever I mentioned BPD to him, he ignored me and acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.  Of course, he could also be in denial because he hasn't seen a lot of these behaviors or is too oblivious to notice them.  All he's really seen is her rage.  Of course, he's also the one that got her hooked on marijuana again, a few months ago.  He told me that he wanted to smoke it, and that he stopped after doing it once, but she kept doing it every day, multiple times a day.  So, it's not as if he's made a lot of good life decisions, either.

Logged

So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2015, 10:09:30 AM »

I think that this answers part of your question at least after the fact.

After the final dump, my ex decided not only to unfriend and cut off all of our common friends (they were mostly people that I introduced her to but also people that we met together ), but somehow was able to convince almost all of her friends and family that it was a good idea to unfriend me on social media. Some even blocked me after doing so (as if unfriending me was simply not enough).

It remains a mystery what she told them to get them them to go along... .puppy killer... .pornographer... .orphanage bomber... .who knows.
Logged
ElroySpace

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2015, 11:32:41 AM »

Yes she is currently sabotaging my friendships via social media. She's a natural at it being an Waif. People take her side effortlessly. I have not faught back with my side of things at all and probably won't for a very long time if ever. My texts/recordings of her are so damning though Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .People just have no clue. Maybe this is a sign that she's really leaving for good this time. Although she did sign into skype yesterday that she has for the sole reason of talking to me on. She also has been making new photos on FB public and started adding a couple guys that are defiantly her type. She also started being active on twitter again & did the same thing. She defiantly expects me to be actively checking in on these things of hers. And I am   Wonder what's next. Currently in NC with her due to being on a restraining order  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2015, 02:59:47 PM »

 

There was some of this in my r/s.

"her" people tended to believe her... ."my" people tended to believe me.

Ultimately I got to the place where i was like... ."who cares what aunt so and so thinks... ."

If you need to keep proof to protect your self... .fine.

I'm not aware of many stories... .maybe any stories where exposing pwBPD with recordings has went well.

FF
Logged

takingandsending
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2015, 03:26:59 PM »

I'm not aware of many stories... .maybe any stories where exposing pwBPD with recordings has went well.

FF, you're right about that. It's probably the opposite - pwBPD need reminders of good things, photos where they are smiling, laughing with you, relaxed. So that they can have help realizing it has not always been as they are feeling in the current moment. Reminders of their failings and poor treatment of people they love is not helpful.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2015, 07:24:33 PM »

Unless you have lived through it BPD means nothing more than 3 letters, which you will probably forgot what they were tommorrow.

I used to waste a lot of time trying to come up with a short laymans explanation. Now that I know better what it is i realize i can't put it into neat little words so I dont even try. It just is, and someone will either know it from experience of it, or they won't get it.

Even medical professionals who don't deal in it struggle to get it. You need to be hands on to get a feel for it.

You end up just sounding nasty and vindictive.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2015, 07:22:25 AM »

My So's uBPDxw is down to 1 friend.  Everyone else over the last 5 years has figured it out.  The friend that is left was apparently a victim of some kind of abuse at the hands of her ex and believes the victimhood of my SO's ex.  So they connect because they are both "victims" of abusive husbands.  Even though the uBPDxw was not abused and I have no idea if the friend's story is true either.  If the friend's story is false then it's just 2 messed up people with a friendship based on a lie.  If the friend is truly a victim then I feel sorry for her because she will become a victim of my SO's ex either by painting her black, conning her out of money, or using her in some other way.  My SO's ex is absolutely not a victim she is a perpetrator... .ask her children and all the people she has ripped off financially.

Remember this is what BPD is... .

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms


You don't need to defend yourself or explain to the friends.  If the friend's are your average relatively emotionally healthy person they eventually figure it out, because the person with BPD with exhibit all of their maladaptive behaviors all by themselves.

Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2015, 08:12:13 AM »

Most well balanced people will simply smell something odd and not quite stable, decide its all too hard and back off. This reinforces the abandonment issues and validates them as being victims.

Rescuers or those needing the validating feed of idealization will stick around until the addiction of "if only I can just fix this next drama' kicks in. Followed by a slow slide in their own reality benchmarks.

Most people never actually work out what the BPD dynamics actually are as they are hidden behind smoke and mirrors. Without guidance you become disorientated and struggle to breath in the smoke. Your own effectiveness becomes severely impaired, and you are in no condition to rescue anyone, including yourself.

We become victims ourselves and go in search of rescuers of our own. Often looking towards those without the necessary skills or experience
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
ElroySpace

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #12 on: July 16, 2015, 03:20:47 PM »

She's gone on a trip with her family for the past 2 weeks and it's still going I believe... .Must be getting really stressful for her to keep up appearances and not be able to let it out like she does on a daily basis with me. This is just my guess. Do you guy's think I could be right? She does however get to paint me black the entire time  Being cool (click to insert in post) And trust me she has... .I am an extreme villain right now to her & her family... .But I can't help but think all this will play to my advantage of her getting back with me quicker as she will most likely feel an urge for not only my love but also the pain she feels and gets to unleash on me when she chooses to hate me. I think this also hinder's her from lining up an replacement as easily being distracted and all so the more time that goes by the better. Even though she is defiantly chatting with men of interest 24/7 on her phone. What she cannot stand is being alone though so idk.
Logged
ElroySpace

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #13 on: July 16, 2015, 03:32:11 PM »

I guess my question is do you think having the full support of her family smothering her telling her to leave me,do this, do that for 2+ weeks is working in my favor because of her full blown BPD?
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #14 on: July 16, 2015, 03:35:28 PM »

I guess my question is do you think having the full support of her family smothering her telling her to leave me,do this, do that for 2+ weeks is working in my favor because of her full blown BPD?

No way to tell...

My guess is it is best to occupy your time with other thoughts.  Her family will tell her... .whatever it is they tell her.  Best bet is for you to try to be centered when she returns and not "bite" on any silliness she sends your way.

FF
Logged

ElroySpace

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2015, 04:11:41 PM »

Yeah, shes been looking for me on skype here and there but i've appeared offline for the past few days... .Giving her a little treatment of my own so she chases like she has countless times in the past. Now just made my status letting her know her $8 dress arrived and how I wish I could see her in it. What I have to stop doing is obsessing over her FB while apart... .I'm the best guy for her & she knows it and it doesn't matter what replacements shes lining up... .pwBPD operate in a fashion where they go for even weaker and unstable partners after a serious LTR. Going for a walk and getting some sun as usual... .Might go to the casino again tonight because nights are the worst with her just consuming my thoughts. Anyone have any tips on how not to creep her social media? It's almost physically impossible i'm finding Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
Logged
Meadowslark
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: NC
Posts: 102


« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2015, 04:30:45 PM »

Have you ever thought  about or actually have exposed your BPD lover to their friends/family? I have countless recordings and proof of violence to me from her. Another thing... .Do you think friends of people with BPD have severe deep underlying issues of their own to somehow be their friend even though they don't get the heat of their BPD?

Not my lover, but my sister. She definitely painted me black to as many of her little online "minions" as she possibly could. She can't maintain friendships in real life, so her only "true life" is online. She's accused me publicly of slandering her, beating her, threatening her, demanding money, all sorts of nonsense. Her minions are disordered folks too, plus with the ability to lie through your teeth online and nobody knowing the wiser, it's so easy for my BPDsis to pretend she's someone she isn't in order to gain sympathy/attention.

Basically, I'm so black to this little hate-group, I can't be in the online community I used to be in. So many people are suckered in by my sister's lies and slander about me that it's impossibly toxic to navigate. Oh well. (Honestly, the people she's able to "hook" aren't so hot themselves - many have some very serious issues they're not addressing, my sister being the "queen" of this little clique of individuals.)

What's funny is she pretends to be a guy online, and has used pictures of a few men claiming they're her. Yes, they look similar but my sister is definitely not a guy.

As for exposing her? I'd love to, and I'd entertained the idea, but it really wouldn't do any good. Since pwBPD are adept at manipulating, lying and playing the victim in person, it's hard to make people see the truth. It's even harder to do so online. Not much I can do about it other than find new ways to occupy my time. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!