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Ceruleanblue
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« on: July 14, 2015, 02:46:20 PM »

Yesterday was an awful day. Just when I thought things were going great, I find out that BPDh doesn't think so.

I went with him to DBT because we had an errand to run after, so I figured I'd chill out in the waiting room. Well, his DBT T asked if I wanted to come in. BPDh agreed, which surprised me. I sat there looking at a magazine, so he wouldn't feel I was butting in. Well, his T asked me how I thought things had been, and if I'd seen an improvement in him. I raved about how much better he's doing, and said that he's stopped blaming, and that our marriage is stronger than it ever is. I said so many nice things about him/us. She said that was so great to hear, as a T. Well, BPDh then brought up my ONE sore subject. He said I'm blaming him for his throwing my son out, and making me choose to live away from my son. I explained to his T how this all made me feel, and that I feel it's not blame, but everyone has to take responsibility for what they do/say. I said we were managing to rise about all this(but explained I am still grieving being away from my son, and that BPDh can't/wont' empathize). So I basically raved about BPDh and his/our advances, but came away feeling bad because his focus is still largely negative. I did ask his DBT T if at some point they'd focus on his totally negative thinking(which affects how he feels and acts).

Then just two hours later, we have MC. This T asks us how we've been, and BPDh just sits there, so I answer. I tell him things have been really great. Wrong move. During my raving about us, BPDh mockingly interjects that we have "issues". He keeps blindsiding me in T. I'd asked him earlier that morning if there was anything we could talk about/work on before T, because I'm sick of him bringing up stuff in T that we've already resolved, or that I had no idea was an issue. He said "no", but here again, I leave T feeling downtrodden and betrayed. I rave about BPDh and how far he's come, but his view of ME is so negative. He could have everything he wants(and I spend all weekend thinking up things for us to do that HE':) enjoy, along with giving him sex where he deliberately hurt me... .that is going to STOP!), and all he can focus on is one thing HE views as negative.

WHY can he never see the good? Why does he always live in the past(but blame me of doing so when I'm clearly not)? Why does he do things he knows will hurt me?

He came home for lunch today, and came into the spare room where I'd slept the night before, and he slammed the picture of my son down, saying we'd had a deal that I was only allowed to have ONE picture of my son out. He forced me to choose: him or my son, and now I'm only allowed ONE picture out? We NEVER agreed to that. I just took the second picture down previously to shut him up! He slammed my kids picture down to deliberately hurt me. My son has been shutting me out since I moved(although he chose to stay with my parents and told me I should move with BPDh), and I've been hurting over this. My son is nearly 17 and responsible for how HE acts. BPDh is responsible for how he acts. I can't even talk about my hurt over how my son acts, because it just makes BPDh go silent or angry. He's allowed to mention all his kids, three of four who refuse to be around me, but I can't mention my son who was for our marriage?

I feel I've living in backwards world. BPDh seems to enjoy hurting me and being negative. He wallows in his misery instead of looking for the good. He'll have a couple good days, followed by mood swings and negativity. I never know when it's going to hit. I've done all the compromising, all the tiptoeing, all this thinking positively about us/him, and it feels like it's never going to make a real difference. I can't change HIS brain, and while his anger has gotten better, his utter negativity has NOT.

He still seems to blame me for me not liking his three mean girls. I'm not allowed to have an opinion of them, but he's allowed to badmouth my kid, who really didn't even do anything. My kid can be mouthy, but I've never said that was okay. BPDh can and does excuse anything his ADULT kids do, and then he blames me.

I want him to be happy, but at what cost to me? I give, give, give, and it feels like all I get back is "give more". I feel I'm just sex to him. Sex that he only enjoys if it's hurtful or humiliating to me. This almost feels like more than just BPD. He's definitely NPD too, but could it be more?
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2015, 02:49:04 PM »

Why does he always want to dwell and focus on one negative thing I do(in his eyes), instead of all the good I do? What does he get out of that? He seems to enjoy trying to make me look bad to the T's, even though I'll fully admit to anything I've said and done. Oh, and he also LIES in therapy at times to make me look bad. Why does he do this, especially after I was just bragging on him and his improved behaviors?

I'm just so hurt and sickened by this. I feel blindsided.
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Daniell85
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« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2015, 03:02:19 PM »

Well I hate to suggest what your husband may be.

You have a son, 17 years old. He is a child.

I haven't back read on your story completely, but I remember you saying you had to leave your son behind due to your husband.

What exactly is the issue with your son?

I, myself, have a son. I would be deeply angry and sad to be getting bullied about my son being forced out, and I would be even more angry about my partner telling me I couldn't even have pictures of my child around.

I grew up in a step family. My step dad was great with his own 3 kids, all older than me. He was ragingly jealous of my full brother and myself. It was horrible. My mom didn't know what to do and she kept us in the situation.

We have speculated he was BPD, NPD.

It feels to me like a serious hard boundry needs to be drawn and enforced with your husband. He is attempting to isolate you from your family and their love and support. My own thoughts. 
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« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2015, 03:21:12 PM »

My son is almost 17, and BPDh always, always had issue with him. My son is a great kid, but I fully admit he can be disrespectful to me, and he can be mouthy. I didn't just ignore it, and I did my best to deal with it though. BPDh left me, and we eventually got back together, with basically ME doing all the compromising. Well, we'd been back together about a month, BPDh had finally sought help for his anger, but he still went off on my son, throwing both my kids out one week prior to our moving. My son wanted to stay in the same school district, so had CHOSEN to stay behind with my parents to finish school. BPDh had originally agreed to stay in the district, but after he came back, he made it a condition that we had to move, and then after he threw my kids out, he said he wouldn't live with my son any longer. He'd always feared I'd make him choose between me and his kids, three of the four hate me, but I NEVER did that. So he did to ME, what he'd always feared most.

BPDh blatantly admits in our MC that he won't live with my son, and he's "forgotten" how he begged me to move with him. He knew how torn I was. If my son had been younger, my choice would have had to be different. I feel BPDh has zero compassion about this matter, and that he did this to hurt me and make HIS life easier. My son bothered him, so he moved us away. I'm now his sole target. I never let him really target my son(he tried), but he just hated him. For the sole reason that my son is/was disrespectful to me. I get that it was bothersome, but BPDh's kids are so much worse, and they are all adults. Only one of his kids has accepted me and our marriage.

I DO have serious issues with him exerting control in this manner. I have requested he not have pictures in our home of his three daughters who have hurt me, but he knows I'm fine with having pictures of his son. Does he put any pics of his son out? NO. This isn't really about that, it's about power and control. I've let him have too much control, and now he's using it to hurt. me. He has an office at work where he could put picture of his kids everywhere. I don't have that. I put out one extra picture because I was sleeping in that room, and he takes huge exception?

He IS trying to isolate me from my son. I'm basically giving my son the cold shoulder right now, as every time I go around him, he acts like crap. I refuse to keep tolerating it from him or anyone. BPDh doesn't have the right to treat me like crap, nor does my son. I do feel thought that my son is angry at me, even though he told me repeatedly to move, and he turned down my offer to move back. I'm dealing with two difficult, angry guys, and it's crap.

If BPDh's kids had just been snarky, and not spent years trying to break us up, not told lies about me to everyone, and now I'm told I can't be around them or their kids, because I'm not "fit"? I was a foster parent, and it was THEM who blew up on me and acted crazy in front of their kids. They clearly inherited the BPD gene. Twist and project. Of course I don't want pics of them in my house(other than his one son), because just seeing their faces makes me start to hyperventilate, or get anxious.

I thought we were beyond all this, but he's just stuck. I think I do need to seriously assess my boundaries around this issue. Suggestions appreciated, because I'm just too close to the issue.
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« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2015, 03:40:17 PM »

 
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« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2015, 04:24:52 PM »



Your husband seems incredibly cruel and selfish.  Sadistic even.  Slamming your son's picture down because he only allows you one picture of him in the house?  Intentionally hurting you during sex? 

It just seems that you give and give, and he takes and takes.  We all stay for different reasons,  but what are you getting out of staying with him? 
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« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2015, 06:43:04 PM »

I'm surprised you "rave" to the Ts about how much better your BPDh is doing, how great it is, how this is the best the relationship has been. Did you feel you were being honest and accurate? What purpose did your bragging on him serve? Would you give the same assessment now?
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« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2015, 09:01:35 PM »

After his actions today, I WOULD NOT give the same assessment to his DBT therapist. No way. I really could see that he had improved, and as always I was trying to use the tools I've learned here.

He actually mocked me tonight and said that he thinks I'm the one with BPD. I'm just furious with him. He took a situation I'm already grieving over, and he used it to hurt me. He used my son to hurt me.

I do think he behavior is incredibly selfish and sadistic. I went from being really happy, and hopeful to wondering how he deescaled so quickly. Actually, I don't think it was that he de-escalated, that would be easier to deal with. It's like he's been holding the grudges, and waiting to throw them at me. I even asked him that morning before T if there was anything specific he wanted to discuss, as he's had a habit of bringing things up that leave me reeling. So basically, he lied to me. What he wanted to say was planned out, and thought out. And it isn't even like I can't have a calm, civil discussion with him, one where we can agree to disagree.

I raved about how much better things are, and how much better he has been on the whole, but now I am wondering if this was just an "act"? He harbors so much resentment and blame, and he never gets over anything.
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« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2015, 09:16:44 PM »

He is intentionally hurting you. He is thinking ahead and planning to do it. The points you mention seem deliberate to break you down. Loss of child, family, sexual abuse, intimidating you by throwing the photograph. Setting you up to look bad to the therapist.

The more you resist, the more it appears to energize him to these actions.

I am not versed enough in the elements of BPD behaviors, but someone who plans a damaging act and carries it out in so many ways at once, seems to be more than a BPD person.

I am worried that you are sustaining some long term emotional and psychological damage.
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« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2015, 09:33:09 PM »

And I have to wonder what he is getting from this manipulation. It does sound sadistic, and not sexually.
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« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2015, 11:34:22 PM »

I feel it's sadistic both sexually and otherwise. It does seem planned, at least to me. He hides things from me too. It all seems very deliberate, and my take on BPD was that their actions are more impulsive? He does have instances of impulse control. He knocked the picture down because he was mad, and I don't think that was planned, but it was something that angered him.

I have no idea what he is getting out of being controlling and manipulating. He just seems to enjoy being miserable. The closest thing I can figure is that deep down, he has huge self esteem issues, even though he presents as arrogant and narcissistic.

I've decided that he's pushed me too far. I always let him have tons of control, because he seemed to need it. His DBT T and I talked about the control issue, and I told her that I let him have control because it seems to mean so much to him, and I told her I rarely make issue of it. Well, now I'm going to. He keeps pushing the envelope, and he just pushed it too far.

I think he feels powerful when he threatens or uses my son to hurt me. I won't let him hurt me psychologically. He used to have that ability, but after he left me, before we reconciled, I resolved that I'd never give him that much power. Some things he does hurts momentarily, but then I quickly reset and remember that if I let him hurt me, he is getting what he wants.

Maybe he's fighting to get that hold over me again. I hadn't thought of that. Maybe he senses that he's lost it. I want us to work, but I don't view him as mentally healthy. I do all I can for him to be happy, but he does nothing to ensure his own happiness.

When we/he gets happy, he sabotages it.
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« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2015, 11:43:10 PM »

Oh, and I'm spending my third night in the spare bedroom tonight. I stupidly thought after sex yesterday, and the mostly good weekend, that T would also go well. I'm not doing it to punish him, but I feel he needs to miss me, and he needs to realize that sleeping with me, sex with me, and the relationship with me is a privilege. I need time to heal too.

Just tonight I told him I'd love to have a husband that felt blessed to have me, and who sees how hard I try to please him. He twisted that into me wanting someone else. I meant that I wanted HIM to feel that way. Everything I say gets twisted, and even though I heard his DBT T say to ask for clarification, he just doesn't do that. I feel I'm learning more from DBT than he is, and I've already been doing most of it anyways.

Does anyone else deal with so much of what you say being misinterpreted and twisted? A negative slant put on all things? It's just so frustrating and irritating.

I make one mistake and he's all over me. He expects perfection, but he doesn't realize how hard his moods and judgement and blame are to live with. He sure wouldn't like it if I was deliberately hurting HIM. I hate to say it, but he sort of acts like a big baby. He wants special treatment all the time, but he doesn't feel the need to be kind himself. He's like a giant sponge or parasite. Feeding off my kindness, and always wanting MORE, while he certainly hadn't earned it. It's getting harder all the time to keep giving it to someone I don't feel deserves it. 
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« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2015, 03:57:55 PM »

After his actions today, I WOULD NOT give the same assessment to his DBT therapist.

Can you take a moment... .and tell us about your motivations to tell the therapist all the great things you did. 

I'm curious which assessment is accurate. 

If 1 day can change "best ever" (not trying to quote you exactly) to furious... .I would be interested in your thoughts about what is going on there.

He actually mocked me tonight and said that he thinks I'm the one with BPD. I'm just furious with him. He took a situation I'm already grieving over, and he used it to hurt me. He used my son to hurt me.

What is your role in this?  Why allow your ears to listen to mocking things?

Hang in there... this is tough stuff to sort through.

 

FF
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« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2015, 06:57:30 PM »

I'm hurt and furious because he chose to belittle our relationship to our MC while I was saying how much better things have been. It just felt like he'd been lying to me when he agreed that things were so much better. He has such a long history of lying to me, that I never know what is the truth, and what isn't.

My assessment that things have been much, much better I feel was accurate, but he was obviously faking or lying, or he just can't stop himself from focusing on what he perceives to be a couple negatives. It's like he won't ever be happy until he totally has me under his thumb. He seems to want total control. He agreed that things have been better, but it was clear that his emphasis on what he still wants ME to change. He has the PD, but I have to constantly "change" or "stop this or that". We are talking about opinions and such. He wants me to change my FEELINGS.

I feel blindsided because I thought everything was going really well, only to find out he had a different view. Again. I only listened to his sort of mocking tone because we were in T and I didn't want to barge out. At the moment he jumped into my glowing conversation with his negativity, it was sort of funny, and the T and I both laughed. Mine was a frustrated laugh of disbelief though.

I will never view our marriage as "best ever" or great, but the last six months are night/day in comparison to the three hellish years I'd put in with him. His DBT T advised him to not go off his meds, saying she takes antidepressants for a chemical imbalance, and wouldn't think of going off. She isn't sure, nor are we, if he's doing better due to meds or the DBT, and I don't want to put it to the test.

Looking back, I'm still glad I told the T the things I did because it was the truth. We've had our moments, and he still dysregulates, but things have been a lot better. I'm just so hurt that I'll never know his real view of things, perhaps. That there will always be a negative slant to his thinking, and that it will come out and bite me when I least expect it.

The cruelty he displayed a couple days ago will for sure be brought up in our next MC. You can bet I'll go in with some things to say, and it won't be quite so glowing.

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« Reply #14 on: July 15, 2015, 07:59:06 PM »

A person with a more narcissistic defense structure will often lash-out and get mean(er) if they are complimented, given high marks or otherwise approved of or given positive feedback.  Can depend on the who is doing it, too. 

Why?  It makes absolutely NO logical sense to the average bear.  But here is the thing... .

If I am highly narcissistic... .having someone (my partner) 'rate me'... .even if it's a positive rating... .will feel like a blow to my narcissistic ego.  The narcissistic stance would be... .Who are you to either approve or disapprove of ME and MY behavior?  A positive approval or compliment can actually trigger narcissistic rage. A narcissistic stance is a 'one-up' stance.  I am one-up, you are one-down.  The person in the 'one-down' position is not allowed to 'rate' the superior person... .and has no business either 'approving' or 'disapproving' or 'rating' the superior person's performance.   

That is a classic Narcissistic response.

And very difficult to grasp, and very difficult to live with.    Yikes.
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« Reply #15 on: July 15, 2015, 08:53:41 PM »

Maybeso:

I think you've hit on what probably happened. BPDh is highly, highly narcissistic and controlling. He often acts superior to me. I think he likely didn't like that his T asked, and even though I gave what I consider to be high praise, it set him off. He has had issues with authority figures too, where he gets "rated", and he didn't like that either.

I think this could be what happened. He and I had often said to each other how much better things were, and while he agreed with me, I'd bet in his head he probably had those thoughts of "it's not perfect/this could be better" going too.

This just sort of rings true. I think he did feel like I'm a notch below him, and who am I to judge him, even though his T asked. Mystery solved.
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« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2015, 08:52:11 AM »



Ceruleanblue,

 

It's tough to have someone else out there that seems to be "against" your feelings about your marriage.  Even more so when that person is the other person in your marriage.

I'm hoping you can think about how you feel when you hear the words that run so against what you feel and believe.

He wants me to change my FEELINGS.

Then... .try and step into your husbands shoes... .put your feelings of hurt and surprise into his heart.  It is likely that he has similar feelings and hurts about what you have said about the status of the marriage.

While it is great when feelings "match up"... .the real work in a marriage comes when they don't.

So... he can want to change your feelings all day long?  He can feel differently than you (about your marriage) all day long.  My hope is that you can find strength to be comfortable with what you feel and think... .and leave him to his own thoughts and feelings.

Last question:  Would you like to change your husbands feelings?

 

Hang in there... .tough stuff.  I've had a frustrating night or two... .seemed like we were connecting for a while there... .and now something is off again. 

FF
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« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2015, 10:11:11 AM »

In intimate relationships the key is to be close while maintaining your own sense of self and your own reality.  Your own psychic boundary.  You have to do that to stay healthy and not merge with another into a messy, boundaryless mass of confusing muck.

It is hard to do even with people who have fairly intact, integrated mental states.

But, it's super hard to do when in the presence of a person who is needing you to mirror or merge with him all the time.  You can't do that, or you will get sick. You must keep your sense of self and your own perspective intact, while noticing that his is quite different.  You do not have to merge with his... .even if he wants you to.

You have your own perceptions and your own self.

So does he (though his is shaky and fragmented).

You both have a right to your own self and the perceptions that go with that.

Abusing or bullying someone into adopting your perception is another story... .no one has a right to do that... .but people attempt to do that all the time.  Couples try to do that with each other all the time. Even good people try to do that.    Sometimes in subtle, seductive, covert ways... .sometimes in very overt ways... .outright bullying.

You are responsible for protecting your sense of self while noticing and accepting that his perceptions are quite different and often ever changing.

He bullies and rages when you are not acting as an extension of his shaky and insecure sense of self.

You may go into appeasement or a fawning, a go along to get along stance when he bullies.

Calm, clear boundaries are needed.  It's the hardest thing to do, but it's what is needed.

BTW, a narcissisticly wounded person often responds much better to a show of stony, calm strength... .than appeasement or fawning, go along to get along stuff.  They tend to smell and instinctually go after weakness b/c they can be bullies, and were (often) bullied themselves.  They feel more secure with calm, sturdy strength. Not hysterical, arguing, reactivity... .just calm, clear, grounded,  strength.   

I worry that your guy was emboldened into feeling like he can really, effectively bully you b/c he has successfully managed to disrupt  and mess around with your relationship with your son.  He must feel pretty powerful and grandiose to have influenced such an important primary relationship in a way that has had a really big impact. The photo stuff is an extension of that. 

the bullying stuff at some point really needs to be checked and reigned-in.  He needs a really really powerful, calm, NO.  STOP IT.

This is boundary stuff.  It always is. 





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« Reply #18 on: July 16, 2015, 04:25:13 PM »

Hi Ceruleanblue,

I want him to be happy, but at what cost to me? I give, give, give, and it feels like all I get back is "give more". I feel I'm just sex to him. Sex that he only enjoys if it's hurtful or humiliating to me. This almost feels like more than just BPD. He's definitely NPD too, but could it be more?

you really can't control how he feels. The more you try to make him happy the more you waste energy and the worse he feels. Until you fully accept him when he is depressed and negative he won't leave that state. Validating negative stuff is by no means easy but very much needed. And yes, his negativity is invalidating you as you have a different, more positive and thankfully a more resilient emotional system. And when you show this side of yourself he will be invalidated (see MC session) which makes it tough for you to be yourself. The more consistently you work on boundaries the less emotions spill uncontrolled back and forth so there is a silver lining at the horizon. Things can get better. But right now his need for validation and avoiding to invalidate him take constant effort and monitoring from your side. This stuff takes time. A teenager won't grow up in a few months.

Essentially you have at this time two constructive choices:

- address his negative radiation. Try to listen and talk to the person hiding behind it.

- take a break

Trying to fix him is a loosing game. He needs to do that himself and any attempt from your side is just causing him to resist and dig deeper. What you can achieve from your side has limits. But so has your responsibility. That is I guess both frustrating but also liberating.
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« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2015, 02:10:46 AM »

I think I feel so blindsided and hurt because all along BPDh had been agreeing and saying our marriage is much better, until I actually answered the T's question about BPDh, and our marriage. I had NO IDEA that he'd come out with such a contrary, negative view to the one he'd been expressing to me. I think the post above is correct, that his views will likely change and fluctuate frequently. I DON'T need him to share my view of our marriage, but I just didn't expect that the view he'd been expressing lately was going to radically change.

He's managed to control his anger a lot better, so it's just frustrating to me that he won't or can't adopt a more positive outlook. I'm fine with him being depressed, but I don't think he is actually depressed, or maybe this is some odd form of depression that comes along with BPD. It's like self inflicted depression, depression and negativity he seeks out or chooses. I'm accepting of it until he starts to tear me down, or take his upset out on me. I've learned to live without validation from him, but as he's learned about it now in DBT, he wants yet more and more validation, and he seems to confuse validation with getting his own way.

I can't make him happy, that is for sure. Only he can, and he's not trying very hard. For some reason he seems to have a lot of guilt, and I'd bet that is what keeps him from thinking it's okay for him to be happy. Of course he's also super narcissistic, so he's always doing things that "should" make him happy, but of course, never do.

I'm going to work on showing more of the calm(not easy around him always), secure(easy), strength. I'm secure in myself, and my goodness, and lots of times I've managed to stay calm when he's a raging storm, but of course there have been times I get indignant. It's like he does something so hurtful just to get a reaction out of me(like the picture incident). I guess the less I react, maybe the less he'll do thing like that.

I'm giving him his space, and I'm giving ME some times to deal with coming to terms that he's still unhappy in our marriage, and in his life. Heck, I was only so happy because it was so much better than it had been. If I'd been comparing it to a marriage with a NON, I'm sure I'd get pretty depressed. Our marriage will never be that, and I'm just trying to be happy with how far we've come. He admits he's difficult and has crazy mood swings. Does he think that is easy?

I'm going to try to take all your advice. I'm so thankful for this place.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #20 on: July 17, 2015, 02:19:35 AM »

Also, "No" or "Stop it", and "I'm done discussing that", and "We'll have to agree to disagree"... .and such statements are going to become part of my daily talk, as needed. I do need further boundaries. I've had some, but clearly not enough. He is not longer going to be listened to when he's trying to get me to change my feelings. If he presents a good reason/explanation, my feelings may change, according to circumstances, but I can't change them just to suit him.

I think in a healthy relationship, we should be influenced by our partner, but with a PD, they resist all healthy influence, it seems. My SIL talks about it all the time as her and her husband being on the same page. I have no idea what that's like. I was raised in a marriage where my parents rarely disagreed, and shared most views of things. Again, that is just a foreign concept to me now, because no matter what I think, feel or say, BPDh is going to disagree, or argue. I don't even think agreeing is so all important, but respecting the other person's right to their view IS.
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« Reply #21 on: July 17, 2015, 12:54:14 PM »

Wow! He hasn't said a thing. Now, I know this doesn't mean he isn't stewing inside, and I'll likely hear about it later. Either when he gets mad, or in MC. It does sort of look like a shrine in here, but I was sort of making a statement, and showing that I'm done being bullied about my kids. I've let him do this too long, all while I was trying to make peace with his, to no effect.

I also insisted he return my car so I'm not stuck at him with no car. He's deliberately not bought a car with the insurance money he was paid out on his. He insisted on having that Harley, let him ride it, rain or no. Instead, he leaves ME stranded. Typical way to isolate me. I asked him to leave me the car today, he said "no", and after I fully woke up, I texted and insisted he bring my car home. I'm done being a total pushover. I've done it because I've been afraid of the threats and his anger. Now that his anger is somewhat better, I need to re establish some of my boundaries.

Now he's wanting another leather bike jacket(he already has a really expensive one), and just yesterday we bought him a book about his bike, two windshields, and leather gloves. It just doesn't stop. He's generous with me, but my needs/wants seem to be way less expensive than his. Things I want tend to be things we'd both use/enjoy, like things for the house, or for us cooking together.

He's been put on notice that until he starts meeting MY love language(or at least a slight attempt), I'm sleeping here in the bedroom. I'm done being his doormat, and doing things out of fear of him retaliating. He's more than capable of giving others what I so need, and I know it's purely done to control or hurt me. He could meet my needs, he just refuses to. I'm not talking major emotional needs, because I know better than to think he's capable of that, and I get those met elsewhere. I may have to cave and accept that he just won't, but at least I'm waiting to see if distancing lovingly will make him see that it's not just all me meeting his needs, while I get zero back, and I do mean ZERO.

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formflier
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« Reply #22 on: July 17, 2015, 01:01:15 PM »

Wow! He hasn't said a thing. Now, I know this doesn't mean he isn't stewing inside, and I'll likely hear about it later. 

This is good outcome... .

A better outcome is to focus on you... .rather than speculating on what may or may not be going on inside him.

What can you do for him today that he would enjoy... .after he brings back the car... .what can you do to "build a bridge" towards him?

FF
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« Reply #23 on: July 17, 2015, 01:27:02 PM »

I'll see what I can do to build that bridge, but that's easy for me. I'm constantly doing things HE wants. I feel it's all I do. I'm coming to resent it. I'm naturally a giver, and a peacekeeper, so I have to watch that my own needs get met(sadly, not by him).

I'm sure we'll end up doing something he finds enjoyable tonight, as usual. He has lots of things planned coming up that he wants to do. I'm fine with that, but it would be nice if showed interest in anything I enjoyed. Sigh.

I did surprise him when he brought the car home:  I gave him a large bottle of expensive cologne he wanted(I'd ordered it and it came today). I think that pleased him. I wish he'd pick up on the fact that I'm loving him with MY love language(buying him tokens to show him I thought of him), but I'm also always meeting HIS love language too... .physical touch.
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« Reply #24 on: July 17, 2015, 02:25:06 PM »

I'm sure we'll end up doing something he finds enjoyable tonight, as usual. He has lots of things planned coming up that he wants to do. I'm fine with that, but it would be nice if showed interest in anything I enjoyed. Sigh.

You are in charge of this... .don't wait on him.

Do a dinner he likes... .then plan your stuff

Or... .vice versa.  The key is to find something you both want... and do it.

If he bucks up about your stuff... don't argue back... ask if he would like to do yours first or second.
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