Are you triggered when you see other RS with BPD?

[takingandsending]

Hi. A friend of my uBPDw and mine has recently been kicked out of her house by he uBPDh. They have a D5 together, who used to be a regular playmate of my S4 and S9.

Our friend was in a recycle with her uBPDh. I had confided to her once, when her husband had left her and her daughter (and she was in tears trying to keep going to work with no child support lined up) that my wife has BPD and that I suspected her husband did as well. I encouraged her to check out the stories on this sight and see if they made sense to her. I really got triggered seeing her D5 in tears over his narcissistic behavior. He took their car too, even though she was the one working a full time regular job and making payments on it. As mentioned above, they recycled, he came into a sizable inheritance and immediately started painting her black, leading to him throwing her out of the  house at a juncture that they were going to find a new house together. Now, he has a house, bought himself a new truck and she is living with a friend, although he did give her to old car after she dumped a grand in for maintenance after he took it on a road trip.

As my wife was telling me this, I was so incredibly triggered. Do any of you have this experience? I have already tried to help our friend step out of the FOG once. I know in my heart that she will do it when she is ready, but I still feel so angry. Am I just projecting my anger and resentment about my own RS out? I guess it really pisses me off that she isn't going after him financially to support her and her daughter after she supported his lazy a-- for years. I know that making pwBPD "wrong" and "nons" right is not accurate or helpful, but sometimes, I just can't come up with any other conclusion.   

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[Daniell85]

I get really triggered when it has to do with kids. It's so hard not to speak up.

Regarding the lady not stepping up for herself, I recall the helplessness my mother felt with my step dad. Also it seems sometimes people are not sure they are done with the relationship, so they kind of freeze up on what the rest of us may think of as "common sense".

[takingandsending]

For the moment, she says this time she is "Oh yeah ... .really done". Of course, I was cringing when they recycled.

I just feel like I want to be somewhere in my life where I don't think about this disease anymore. I am tired of seeing how destructive it is in families. This is a good sign that I need to return to meditating daily. Feeling rudderless at the moment. 

[123Phoebe]

As my wife was telling me this, I was so incredibly triggered. Do any of you have this experience? I have already tried to help our friend step out of the FOG once. I know in my heart that she will do it when she is ready, but I still feel so angry. Am I just projecting my anger and resentment about my own RS out? I guess it really pisses me off that she isn't going after him financially to support her and her daughter after she supported his lazy a-- for years. I know that making pwBPD "wrong" and "nons" right is not accurate or helpful, but sometimes, I just can't come up with any other conclusion.   

Hi takingandsending, do you think you're projecting?  For me, what you've mentioned seems more about values.  The guy sounds like a complete jerk!  Doesn't need to be considered BPD or nons, jerk is jerk.  And yea, people who put up with or don't protect themselves from injustice is triggering, because it is wrong.  But, maybe she's getting something out of it emotionally.  Her thing. 

[takingandsending]

Hey, Phoebe. Yes, he is a jerk, and I don't want to paint all pwBPD with the same brush. And, yes, my friend has her stuff to work out, too. I feel badly for their daughter, who is a good kid caught in the middle. If anything, I am projecting my own frustration with my kids caught in the middle of my own marginally functional RS.

You know how you can ingest small doses of a poison without dying but the concentration build up over time will kill you? I think I am feeling the concentration of BPD building up. It's time for me to take better care of myself and seek more support. I guess that's what I am realizing.

And, I will add that I am happy that you and your SO have a good RS that is working. We all seek happiness and wish to avoid suffering - and that's my wish for people, including me. It's just baffling how destructive we can become in the process.

[Cat Familiar]

I get triggered when I hear about relationships involving domestic violence. I understand the magical thinking all too well after nearly twenty years with my first husband, who was physically abusive. I kept thinking that if I loved him enough, tried to understand him and his needs, was a kind and supportive partner, etc. that he'd see the error in his ways and become the kind and loving partner I saw for moments at a time. Obviously it didn't happen.

So hearing how Maxsterling's wife has treated him really pushes my buttons.

[takingandsending]

Oh, Cat Familiar. I am so sorry. I guess we all come with a lot of baggage and hurts. Mine are around kids being caught in the middle, not having a clue about what's going on and believing that is about them. That's my FOO. That's my current family I created.  :'(

Just needing to believe that illness is not the norm. Maybe it has been most of my life.

[Cat Familiar]

Oh, Cat Familiar. I am so sorry. I guess we all come with a lot of baggage and hurts. Mine are around kids being caught in the middle, not having a clue about what's going on and believing that is about them. That's my FOO. That's my current family I created.  :'(

Just needing to believe that illness is not the norm. Maybe it has been most of my life.

Wow! I can only imagine how painful that was, to grow up thinking that it's your fault that mom and dad are arguing. My husband experienced that through having an extremely NPD father. I wouldn't have believed some of his stories if I hadn't met the old man shortly before he died--he was ruthless, even in a weakened condition.

I think pwNPD can create either pwBPD or pwCodependency in their children. And it's no coincidence that I married two men with BPD after growing up with a BPD mother. I do think that we replicate the childhood wounds we haven't healed in the adult families we create.

  We all need more hugs!