What is a "Trigger"?

[Herodias]

Can someone please explain what becoming a "trigger" is exactly? How and why does a BPD person see their partner as a trigger and can that be changed? Thanks-

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Herodias, good question!  A trigger is something that triggers our emotions.  It's a human thing, not just something that happens to people with BPD; we all have them and how we go about living with these triggers (responding ~vs~ reacting to them) provides insight as to what's important to us, what we feel is worth defending (fighting for ), what we think someone else might be trying to take away from us.  Is the threat real or not?

There's good info out there on "emotional triggers" that can explain it better than I can.  Search the web

[takingandsending]

Herodias,

A trigger is anything that causes a person to have a physical/emotional reaction. Basically, it is the stimulus in the stimulus/response equation. In the context of RS, triggers are often described as stimulus that generates an unpleasant emotional reaction.

When we are having an unpleasant emotional reaction, we are using only a small area of our brain known as the amygdala. The amygdala does many things to keep us alive, raises our heart rate so that blood circulates more rapidly through our body, our nervous system becomes very sensitive to external sensory input, and cortisol production from the adrenal glands is elevated. The amygdala is our fight/flight response center. We are fighting off a perceived threat. Scientists have shown that it takes about 17-20 minutes for our brain function to move out of the amygdala to the frontal lobes of the brain which are the areas where speech, reason, logic, creativity, etc. can be accessed. For people who have suffered from severe trauma or psychological wounding (such as abuse), it takes closer to 40 minutes for brain function to move out of the amygdala to the frontal lobes.

In a relationship with a pwBPD, it's important to know that they spend a greater amount of time functioning from their amygdala than the average person without the disorder. What does this mean? In essence, they may be much more alert for external sensory cues than the average person, perceiving danger or harmful intent where there is none, being sensitive to sounds, touch, expressions, sights. They experience rapid thoughts, as if in a state of alarm, with a reduced ability to sort out or rationalize those thoughts, and their ability to express what they are feeling or use reasoning or creativity to resolve or cope with what they are feeling is diminished.

As 123Phoebe notes, we all experience this. We all have the same elements in our brains - but we all have different levels that of brain activity in the different regions of the brain. How does this notion of trigger come into your relationship right now? A pwBPD can see a partner as a trigger for a variety of reasons. He/she may be ashamed of how they are treating their partner, so the mere sight of their partner trigger those feelings of shame. Until the pwBPD can develop some capacity to recognize when their thoughts are racing out of control and find ways to arrest them from chain reacting, they are unfortunately functioning from the amygdala, which just doesn't response to reason or rational thought very well. That's why the Lessons here place a lot of importance on not making things worse as the partner in the RS who can reason more readily. What's going on with you and your husband right now? Is there a specific instance that you want to address?

[sweetheart]

Hello Herodias

Here is I link I liked around emotional triggers - www.mindbodygreen.com/0-18348/what-are-emotional-triggers-why-you-need-to-understand-them.html

Phoebe is right we all have them, the tricky bit is working out what they are and then trying not to be triggered by them  

The question you ask about the SO becoming the trigger for the pwBPD is because BPD is an Attachment disorder and plays itself out within the confines of an intimate relationship. The pwBPD is reenacting usually their negative experience of their relationship with their primary caregivers.

So for instance I make an innocent remark and my dBPDh hears his father controlling, criticising, invalidating him.

We all bring aspects of our FOO to our relationships and possibly repeat dysfunctional patterns and behaviours therein, it's human nature, because all relationships are about attachments.

[maxsterling]

Good responses so far.  Yes, we all have triggers, as these are part of the human condition.  I will add that in dealing with a pwBPD (from my own experience) nearly anything can be a trigger for a pwBPD at any time, and many, many times it doesn't make sense.  And when we walk around in fear of triggering the pwBPD, that's called "walking on eggshells".  Trying to figure out my wife's triggers is an impossible task, because I've seen her get triggered by nearly anything.  Many of her triggers are self-triggers from self-traumatization.  I'm slowly learning 99% of this is well beyond my control or understanding. 

[takingandsending]

I will add that in dealing with a pwBPD (from my own experience) nearly anything can be a trigger for a pwBPD at any time, and many, many times it doesn't make sense.   

max, I think that the heightened nervous system causes a lot of the experience of it not making sense to another person. When we are triggered, our brains on alert for any cues to confirm danger/harm, so we may react to something that is not harmful. I have actually done this many times with my wife! Her frequent criticism, berating and rage have created a trigger within me where I typically am wary and cautious of certain words, phrases or requests. In essence, I am responding from my amygdala, waiting for the other shoe to drop. However, because overall I spend less time in this state, I can usually check my surroundings, assure myself that I am safe, and use some rational thought to consider how I want to respond instead of reacting. For my wife, her capacity to self-arrest her thought/reaction process is much less.

Someone recently posted that pwBPD want us to be strong and secure in our feelings so that they can feel safe, and the moment that we don't feel that, their world is shaken, they go into fight/flight response either running away or attacking their partner. I contend that it is not my responsibility to my wife to be strong and secure in my feelings; it is my responsibility to myself. Further, when I cannot do so, I am being human, and while I am responsible for my feelings, I will not tolerate attack on my person for that. This is the current dilemma or impasse that keeps my wife and I apart. I have no idea how to change it.

[formflier]

 

For instance... .I was triggered last night by my wife's tone of voice (little bit of mocking to it).

I understood what was going on inside me... .and was able to hush... .and the entire thing blew over.

But... her tone of voice... .cause an internal reaction in me

FF

[HappyChappy]

Can someone please explain what becoming a "trigger" is exactly? How and why does a BPD person see their partner as a trigger and can that be changed? Thanks-

People with BPD and PTSD often have very pronounced triggers, they are normally implanted on the back of traumatic behaviour. As most BPD had traumatic upbringings many of their triggers are rooted in their childhood.

If you ever saw Mommy Dearest, there's a famous coat hanger scene where  Joan Crawford goes crazy with her kid for using wire coat hangers. The trigger was believed to be that Joan had use coat hangers to abort several kids, and hence had to adopt later in life. So you need to make notes to try and isolate what the triggers are. CBT can help and if you have PTSD (as I do) it works. But I'm not aware of success with BPD, as CBT requires you to be open an honest and accepting you need to change, rather than viewing it as a game you play with a Therapist. Children of BPD parents will share certain triggers, such as: being oversensative to gaslighting or nagging or shouting etc... .

The problem with a BPD is that they often want things to kick off, so again is it a trigger or are they just stiring things up ? BPD are often use to tension in their life so ironcially that's their safe place. Hope that helps.  

[an0ught]

In my eyes a trigger is something that causes an explosion. When we observe an out-sized effect we conclude there was a cause and we call that trigger.

A fallacy is that we need to eliminate all triggers. This way of thinking leads us to walking on eggshells. Anything might cause an explosion after all 

A healthier thinking is when dealing with a heated jar of nitroglycerin really anything can trigger and the cause is not to be blamed for the effect. The explosion simply was waiting to happen. Generally one is advised when seeing a jar of nitro on a stove to duck and hide.  Usually it is safe to approach what is left after some cool down period. 

There are some things that are both trigger and also add nitro into the jar. This is the case for invalidation. Most invalidation is quite triggering. But invalidation is beyond triggering as it interferes with the general ability to calm down. That is why invalidation is to be avoided. It is the #1 relief that costs almost nothing - stop invalidating.

And then there is of course validation. That is slowly draining the nitro jar and helping to build the capability to keep it cool.

[takingandsending]

an0ught,

I don't think I would like cooking in your kitchen! Is the nitroglycerin organic at least?   

[HappyChappy]

... .a heated jar of nitroglycerin... .

You make a very good point. But ironically a BPD will project away blame often onto those close. So if you’re close to a BPD, you are less likely to get validation and way more likely to be invalidated. But a BPD needs the opposite back. I think there’s a big difference if you were brought up by a BPD, because your triggers will have been put there whilst young and your parent will be expert in using them to manipulate you.

I have PTSD from childhood, yet I weathered other traumatic events as an adult with little side effects. So I was advised to limit or even cut out contact with my abusive BPD.  But I take your point if you're an adult or don’t have PTSD when you first engage with a BPD, then it’s completely different. But you can live life without Nitroglycerin and maybe not all BPD & NPD are as agressive as mine were.

[123Phoebe]

Did a search and found this on "Emotional Triggers", I find it fascinating:

Find Your Emotional Triggers on this list

What Triggers Your Emotions?

The strengths that have helped you to succeed are also your greatest emotional triggers when you feel someone is not honoring what makes you special.

When your brain perceives that someone has taken or plans to take one of these important things away from you, then your emotions are triggered.

You react with anger or fear, then you quickly rationalize your behavior so it makes sense. You may lose trust in the person or situation. You may lose courage or react in a way that could hurt your relationships in the future.

The key is to catch yourself reacting when your emotions are triggered. Then you can discover if the threat is real or not.

The following list includes some of the most common emotional triggers, meaning you react when you feel as though you aren’t getting or will not get one of these things that are very important to you.

acceptance                 respect                 be liked

be understood             be needed             be valued

be in control               be right                 be treated fairly

attention                    comfort                 freedom

peacefulness              balance                 consistency

order                        variety                   love

safety                       predictability           included

fun                           new challenges        autonomy

Some of these needs will be important to you. Others will hold no emotional charge for you.

To start controlling your emotional triggers, choose three items from the list that most often set off your emotions when you don’t get these needs met. Be honest with yourself. Which three needs, when not met, will likely trigger a reaction in you? Identify the needs that you hold most dear.

It is critical to note that needs are not bad. The reason you have these needs is that at some point in your life, the need served you. For example, your experiences may have taught you that success in life depends on maintaining control, establishing a safe environment and having people around you who appreciate your intelligence.

However, the more you become attached to these needs, the more your brain will be on the lookout for circumstances that threaten your ability to have these needs met. Then your needs become emotional triggers.

At this point, you must judge the truth of the situation. Are you really losing this need or not? Is the person actively denying your need or are you taking the situation too personally? If it’s true that someone is ignoring your need or blocking you from achieving it, can you either ask for what you need or, if it doesn’t really matter, can you let the need go?

Without consciously acknowledging the need that is triggering the emotional reaction, we become enslaved to the need. On the other hand, if we honestly declare our needs—that we had expected people to treat us in a particular way and had hoped events would unfold as we had planned—then we can begin to see life more objectively. From this perspective, we are freer to choose our reactions.

BEING PRESENT

As soon as you notice that you are emotionally reacting, you have to shift your emotional state in order to think through what your trigger might be. Therefore, practice the following technique to help you make the shift:

Relax – breath and release the tension in your body.

Detach – clear your mind of all thoughts.

Center – drop your awareness to the center of your body just below your navel. Feel yourself breathe. This helps to clear the mind.

Focus (and implant) – choose one keyword that represents how you want to feel or who you want to be in this moment.

Once you shift your emotional state, you are free to examine if someone is actually taking something away from you or not. You can then ask for what you need or let it go and move on.

I love how there are so many ways to look at things.  When I pick my 3 "needs", then pick my partner's needs, it gives me a better idea of how our needs clash at times  

Asking for what I need has been a huge hurdle to jump over!  I sometimes think, why bother?  Well, because it's something that's important to me and within my control--

ps: "Control" is one of his "needs"  

[takingandsending]

Thanks, Phoebe!

Have you asked your partner to pick his 3 needs? I wonder if he would pick the same needs as you. If we struggle with clearly identifying our needs, I wonder if it is difficult for someone with disordered thinking to identify theirs. This seems to be at the heart of the disorder.

Anyway, thanks for sharing this. I especially like the suggestion to focus on one's breath, and then as the bit of spaciousness in our mind arises, choose who we want to be in the situation.

[Hope26]

Lots of good responses here.  I wish I knew how to pick up a quote directly from someone's prior post as others do here.  Two responses particularly resonated with me; Max said, in part, "anything can be a trigger for a pwBPD at any time, and many, many times, it doesn't make sense."  AnOught said, "In my eyes a trigger is something that causes an explosion.  When we observe an out-sized effect we conclude that there was a cause and we call that trigger."  Very insightful.

An example in my mind is, if you glance at a clock when the pwBPD has just told you what time it was, and he flies into a rage, your supposed 'lack of trust' was the trigger that caused an explosion that was an out-sized effect relative to your action.  Or when you are asked to check traffic on your right and you check it on the left as well, and a rage ensues, same thing.  Both are personal examples of what to me was irrational behavior that, along with other things, caused me to suspect mental illness.  Although my H has not been diagnosed, I ended up seeking and finding lots of answers within this forum.