xuBPDw is threatening/guilting over Adult Children

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Quick summary.  Married 26 years to uBPDw.  Divorced finalized a little over a year ago.  3 kids currently aged as follows D22, S19, S18.  Youngest just graduated high school in May of this year.  Youngest went full NC with her a few months before divorce was finalized due to her repeated boundary violations and the fact that she accused him of assaulting her and filed a police report (of course there was a big discrepancy in the perceived "assault".

It took about 3 months after decree to finish wrapping up the financial end of things after which point I went extremely low contact with ex. This was at the start of the most recently completed school year, when my youngest was 17 and a senior in high school.  The decision to go LC was not difficult as the ex continued to hurl her typical nasty invective via text, voice and email.  Basically I followed the pattern I had established prior to the finalization of the divorce - no direct calls unless death of child is imminent, don't respond to texts as they are hard to document, emails limited to logistical issues only.

Finally when he hit 18 during the school year, I saw no real reason to continue to subject myself to her ongoing abuse and proceeded to block her texts and phone calls, leaving email as the preferred method of communication.  Gradually the ex slowed down and was down to emailing about once a month, to which of course I never responded.

Life was good.  Then about a week ago I get multi page, long winded email from the xuBPDw that just reminded me of why I went forward with the divorce.  Over the course of the email she fell back on the familiar themes, starting with a list of all the times I have excluded her from contact with the "kids", how she has followed the letter of the law on the parenting plan, even sacrificing her time with the kids.  Then on to how I must clearly be threatening the children with "emotional consequences" if they try to have a relationship with her and finally requesting that I engage in regular monthly communications with her via email or other manner about the kids activities.  Of course she ended on BPD strategy of threatening some indeterminate legal action.  She was kind enough to impose a 2 day deadline for a response.

My first reaction was I really wanted to tell her to flip off or some derivative thereof.  Then I wanted to email her one last time with a link to the  statutes that define a child for purposes custody - note above they are all age 18 or older and out of high school.

While I have no desire to feed the bear so to speak, there is a part of me that thinks she just might find an attorney crazy enough to try and take a run at filing a motion. I keep thinking to myself surely any rational person would not need to go to court to have a judge explain the difference between a minor and an adult.  Then I snap back to reality and realize who I am dealing with. Sigh, such a waste of time and resources.

So I end up making a lengthy post on BPD Family and asking for feed back.  Send the email or ignore and see what happens?  As always any feedback always appreciated.

[ugghh]

Quick summary.  Married 26 years to uBPDw.  Divorced finalized a little over a year ago.  3 kids currently aged as follows D22, S19, S18.  Youngest just graduated high school in May of this year.  Youngest went full NC with her a few months before divorce was finalized due to her repeated boundary violations and the fact that she accused him of assaulting her and filed a police report (of course there was a big discrepancy in the perceived "assault".

It took about 3 months after decree to finish wrapping up the financial end of things after which point I went extremely low contact with ex. This was at the start of the most recently completed school year, when my youngest was 17 and a senior in high school.  The decision to go LC was not difficult as the ex continued to hurl her typical nasty invective via text, voice and email.  Basically I followed the pattern I had established prior to the finalization of the divorce - no direct calls unless death of child is imminent, don't respond to texts as they are hard to document, emails limited to logistical issues only.

Finally when he hit 18 during the school year, I saw no real reason to continue to subject myself to her ongoing abuse and proceeded to block her texts and phone calls, leaving email as the preferred method of communication.  Gradually the ex slowed down and was down to emailing about once a month, to which of course I never responded.

Life was good.  Then about a week ago I get multi page, long winded email from the xuBPDw that just reminded me of why I went forward with the divorce.  Over the course of the email she fell back on the familiar themes, starting with a list of all the times I have excluded her from contact with the "kids", how she has followed the letter of the law on the parenting plan, even sacrificing her time with the kids.  Then on to how I must clearly be threatening the children with "emotional consequences" if they try to have a relationship with her and finally requesting that I engage in regular monthly communications with her via email or other manner about the kids activities.  Of course she ended on BPD strategy of threatening some indeterminate legal action.  She was kind enough to impose a 2 day deadline for a response.

My first reaction was I really wanted to tell her to flip off or some derivative thereof.  Then I wanted to email her one last time with a link to the  statutes that define a child for purposes custody - note above they are all age 18 or older and out of high school.

While I have no desire to feed the bear so to speak, there is a part of me that thinks she just might find an attorney crazy enough to try and take a run at filing a motion. I keep thinking to myself surely any rational person would not need to go to court to have a judge explain the difference between a minor and an adult.  Then I snap back to reality and realize who I am dealing with. Sigh, such a waste of time and resources.

So I end up making a lengthy post on BPD Family and asking for feed back.  Send the email or ignore and see what happens?  As always any feedback always appreciated.

[Panda39]

How about option 3... .have a party and celebrate the "adulthood" of all your children 

Your ex is just looking for some engagement from you... .don't go there.  Just live your life, enjoy your kids and your freedom. 

[Turkish]

"Validate the valid, invaldate the invalid."

Is there any validity to her threats now that your children are emancipated?

No answer.

I like Panda's idea of a party!

[ugghh]

Thanks for the feedback.  It is always cathartic to at least come post on the boards and be able to let go of the frustration of dealing with the craziness.

[livednlearned]

Hi ugghh,

Was there a birthday or holiday around the time you received the email? Something that might be triggering her?

It doesn't sound like there is anything you need to respond to, and she has shown that she will make false allegations. When I receive these types of emails from my ex (who lost custody), I ignore them. So far, nothing has happened. I suspect he is triggered by a memory or event that makes him feel inadequate. I wish it didn't have to be this way, and I also know that we are too far past the point for any reasonable conversation to occur. Sounds like you might be in a similar boat.

[ugghh]

Thanks LivedNLearned.  I think you are indeed on to something.  We just passed the first anniversary of the judge signing the final decree, or as I like to think of it, TheRestOfMyLife Day.

Sadly her bitterness and insistence on playing victim has turned off even the one adult child that was still talking to her on a regular basis. 

I also know that we are too far past the point for any reasonable conversation to occur.

That is exactly how I feel.   Along the lines of what Turkish said, and as I always used to remind my daughter, "You cannot have a logical conversation with an illogical person."  Maybe some day I will be able to let down that little bit of me that is always on guard waiting for her next dysregulation.

 

[PinkieV]

I love "TheRestOfMyLifeDay"!  Hope you had a great first anniversary.

[Forestaken]

Married 24 years: Divorced 1: dOCD+uBPDw

I'm in the same situation - a little more advanced since my kids D22 & S25 have moved on from community college to universities.

They have NC with their momster.  They prefer it that way. My S25 is a psyc major - calls it "strategy of void" - Your X is looking for engagement, don't give it to her.  In her mind, any engagement is a positive outcome.

[ForeverDad]

I'm not advocating a response, but if you do reply then ponder whether it would be better to let your lawyer reply for you.  The lawyer may include the text of her claims and demands, or the gist of them, then state that you do not wish to communicate with her because (1) the divorce is final and (2) the children are now adults.  Short and sweet but also businesslike.  Your ex is all about emotional blaming and distorted perceptions with herself at the center of the world, an emotionless business/legal letter to cease and desist may work.

I bet that the lawyer will  but be willing to do one last letter for you.

You may still encounter her at any of the children's events such as graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, etc.  Be prepared.  Even if she isn't invited she could still crash the event.

For the children, I recall the past posts of a member here, Lexi, where she hired off-duty police as security to be ready to remove any people (her mother) who tried to take over or make scenes at her wedding.

5 years ago I was a frequenter on this board as I was planning my wedding and watching my uBPD mom erupt like Mount Vesuvius... .  Yes, they will rant and scream, but that will subside with time.  I'm sure of it.  The boundary gets set when they realize that you aren't a sure source of feedback to their bad behavior. 

It was hard for me to really realize that what I was seeking at the holidays was something picture-perfect that was never going to exist.  I spent a long time mourning the loss of things I never had--a mom who was able to treat me with love and respect.  I had to learn to take things for what they are.  You kind of need to go into things thinking of them just as acquaintances that have no right to hurt you... .

[formflier]

 

I like the idea of the lawyer letter.  Certified return receipt.

I suppose the big question would be, is there any reason you could imagine ever wanting contact with her again.

Perhaps the lawyer could list those reasons or somehow set the method of future communication.

FF