Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don't.

[maryy16]

Not the first time this has happened and it won't be the last. If any of you very knowledgable people have any advice for me on how to handle this situation when it comes up again, I would be forever grateful.

H was working on a DIY project at home today. I was there because there would be times when this project needed two people. As usual, at first everything was, basically, going ok, but after a while he started to become frustrated and the downward spiral began.

At one point, it looked like he was struggling with something, so I went over to help him out. At this point now he had gotten "the look" which I knew meant  that there would be no more "teamwork." But he looked like he needed help, so I tried to help him out.

Him (Sarcastically): Did I ask for your help?

Me: No, but you looked like you needed help.

Him (Angrily): I don't need your help. You always get in the way. Don't do anything unless I tell you to.

So, a while later... .And I'm sure you all can see where this is going... .He's clearly needing some help again. So as to not "get in the way", I stand waiting to see if he's going to ask me to help him out. I actually feel dumb just standing there because he's clearly struggling.

Him (very angrily): Thanks. Because you didn't help me, I cut my leg ( which he did NOT). Why were you just standing there staring at me?

Me: You told me I always get in the way, so I thought you'd ask if you needed help.

Him: You could see I needed help.

Me: Next time, tell me when you need help, and I'll gladly help you with anything you need.

Him: There are reasons I never ask for YOUR help.

At this point I didn't reply and just let it go because I knew he just wanted to fight, and he would start in with the put downs, telling me how awful I am at everything. He finally did finish the project, without any help from me, and was in a good mood AFTER he finished.

Is there a better way I could have handled this or is this truly a no-win situation?

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[mindwise]

Hi maryy16,

There is always room for improvement but it's great to see that things didn't escalate to extremes (you stopped replying) Also the fact that he did finished the project and how it affected his mood (positively)  

At one point, it looked like he was struggling with something, so I went over to help him out. At this point now he had gotten "the look" which I knew meant  that there would be no more "teamwork." But he looked like he needed help, so I tried to help him out.

Him (Sarcastically): Did I ask for your help?

Me: No, but you looked like you needed help.

Him (Angrily): I don't need your help. You always get in the way. Don't do anything unless I tell you to.

Several things here. You thought he was struggling and decided to assist him. This could feel potentially invalidating to him ("Ok, so you don't think I can finish this DIY project on my own".

You saw his look of "no more teamwork" and knew what it meant but decided to keep trying to help him. I think the non verbal cues are warning signs to back off immediately. From what you wrote, this lead to his sarcasm, then you maintained your stance, finally he got angry and let you know exactly what he wants.

Make good note of it for future reference

So, a while later... .And I'm sure you all can see where this is going... .He's clearly needing some help again. So as to not "get in the way", I stand waiting to see if he's going to ask me to help him out. I actually feel dumb just standing there because he's clearly struggling.

Him (very angrily): Thanks. Because you didn't help me, I cut my leg ( which he did NOT). Why were you just standing there staring at me?

Very similar situation, reinforced, could potentially escalate.

You might consider doing the following. Next time tell him it looks like a great DIY project and that you will be in the other room doing other stuff. If he ever needs help, he can call you and you'll be glad to assist him. That's it. Don't stand close, don't suppose he is struggling (even if it's obvious), let him ask for help if he needs/wants it. Keep on with your own thing.

He finally did finish the project, without any help from me, and was in a good mood AFTER he finished.

This is awesome. Finishing projects feels like a great accomplishment to him. Many people start and never finish. It's a great achievement, something to celebrate and to keep doing more and more. From smaller projects to bigger ones.

Best of luck

mw

[formflier]

 

I think this was a good outcome.

You didn't take the bait.

For a better outcome next time try "Help me understand... ."

"Help me understand how I am supposed to know when to help and when to ask... ."  hush and listen.

FF

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

You might consider doing the following. Next time tell him it looks like a great DIY project and that you will be in the other room doing other stuff. If he ever needs help, he can call you and you'll be glad to assist him. That's it. Don't stand close, don't suppose he is struggling (even if it's obvious), let him ask for help if he needs/wants it. Keep on with your own thing.

He finally did finish the project, without any help from me, and was in a good mood AFTER he finished.

This is awesome. Finishing projects feels like a great accomplishment to him. Many people start and never finish. It's a great achievement, something to celebrate and to keep doing more and more. From smaller projects to bigger ones.

Best of luck

mw

Looks like we've crossed over into non-BPD behavior here... .Half the time I tell my uBPDw she's not "really helping" I don't think it's a BPD issue... .

[maxsterling]

Especially true for pwBPD, but true for many others as well - people feel invalidated when others just start helping when they feel they don't need help, and people also feel upset when they need help, and others in the area make no attempt to help.  There's no reason for him to be rude about it, though.  I'm in the same situation constantly, and the best approach is this -

I let my wife know that I am available to help.  Then I do something else nearby that isn't too involved.  That way, she can ask for my help if she needs it, she doesn't feel I am just watching her struggle, she sees me still in the area and not abandoning her, and she doesn't feel she is interrupting anything by asking.

[maryy16]

Thank you all. Next time I will try removing myself to the next room and wait until he asks for help. Great idea.