Dealing with the elephant in the room

[confounded]

Me and my pwBPD friend have kept running into each other recently; I've decided to have an another go at our friendship, although for the past 10 months or so, I've alternately missed her or wanted to throw her into the sea. There are huge issues between us - the way she disappeared on me, her neglecting telling her husband about our friendship and thus making me feel like we are having an illicit affair (there is acknowledged mutual attraction between us - I want openess and honesty, she keeps sidestepping the issue). I'm having problems in making her confront the issues, to get her sit down and talk about it. She keeps behaving like nothing is amiss, talking about everything else but the things we really need to talk about, and it's driving me nuts. I don't want to push the issue, but her avoidance is not getting us, or me, anywhere. I really don't know what to do - I've always had the opinion that there's nothing two adults can't sort out if they sit down, have a talk and resolve the issues at hand. But getting her into that place seems impossible. The things I want to talk about are things I don't want to text, email, or talk over the phone about either.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

She is married. Both of you acknowledged you are attracted to each other.

Is it possible that she, in her own BPD way, is trying to keep distance because she is respectful to her marriage instead of putting work into a friendship that could lead her into dangerous territory?

What are your thoughts on that?

[formflier]

  I've always had the opinion that there's nothing two adults can't sort out if they sit down, have a talk and resolve the issues at hand. But getting her into that place seems impossible. 

Especially when it seems obvious that the issues at hand are matters of opinion.  This will give you the opportunity to show leadership to her in respecting boundaries and opinions.

You can be clear in your opinions and positions and hopefully will be able to make her feel safe that she can have differing views on these issues.  That will increase the likelihood of open and honest conversation.

Once you get a clear view of where she is at... .and she of you... .I believe you will both be in better place to evaluate the future of your r/s.

I applaud you for doing this in person... .much better than text or other methods.

FF

[confounded]

She is married. Both of you acknowledged you are attracted to each other.

Is it possible that she, in her own BPD way, is trying to keep distance because she is respectful to her marriage instead of putting work into a friendship that could lead her into dangerous territory? What are your thoughts on that?

That is a possibility, but if so, it must be unconscious, as she sends a very mixed signal in my presence. Maybe she herself doesn't really understand how she feels about me - on one hand she behaves seductively, on the other she's keeping her distance; on one hand, she says she has deep feelings for me, on the other she disappears for six months without a word and doesn't even apologize.

As far as the dangerous territory goes, I'm probably the safest man she could be around from her husbands standpoint. I have no problem openly admitting my attraction towards her, and my wife accepts it, and is even supportive of my friendship with my friend - she knows I will not cross the line without the full acceptance of all parties involved. I've seen too many cases where "just a friend" was something else, and refuse to go there. This is one thing I would really need to discuss with my friend, as it has never really been made explicit, and I would like her to tell her husband that he can be quite safe in the knowledge that I will not make a move on her (and would reject her advances on me).

I would prefer if the four of us could sit down and talk, but at this point I would be happy just to have just my friend sit down with me long enough for me to gather my thoughts into coherent sentences. But it feels as if she knew I have something weighty to say to her when she sees me, and so she avoids the subject, either by running off on an errand or talking about something else so I can't get a word in edgewise. Sometimes I feel I should tell her off, but I really miss the intellectual stimulation I get from our friendship when we aren't being dysfunctional - we have many similar eclectic political, artistic and philosophical interests, and that's something I've never shared with anyone else but her; the physical and emotional attraction is just icing on the cake. That's why I still want to put work into our friendship, although it can be consuming.