My husband is a slave...

[Ysabel]

When I have the right perspective, I can see my BPDh as an absolute slave to himself! He is not capable, 99% of the time, of taking the perspective of another and meeting her/his needs. Life is all about him and getting his needs met. How empty and sad. I have a rich life outside of him which allows me to live a much happier life, meeting the needs of others who do reciprocate! Last night, because I was lonely and tired, I gave into thinking that almost always makes things worse, I had the faulty expectation that I could express a need and it would be met. It was met alright, met with anger, hostility and contempt! Duh! What was I thinking? Ok, so the analytical part of me kicks in, why do I keep banging my head against the same wall? The answer: intermittent reinforcement. If he rages at me for expressing a need (which he interprets as a criticism of him, again, enslaved to himself) 9 out of 10 times, but on the 10th time he responds appropriately, then I will endure 9 horrible encounters just to get to the one satisfying response! My seeking love, validation, acceptance, encouragement, compliments etc. is what is keeping the cycle going. Not that I blame myself, my needs are more than legitiment! I know that intermittent reinforcement is more powerful than 100% reinforcement, so my behavior of seeking is not extinguished, only strengthened! Will I do it again, oh yea, probably!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[takingandsending]

Hi Ysabel.

I so hear you on this one. Our MC (who I also occasionally see on my own) puts it simply: human beings seek connection. As infants, we seek to establish security through connection. As children, our brains and emotional stability grow through connection. As adults, we seek connection to express our collective self v. individual self.

The nature of BPD is of damaged or impaired connection (to self, to other). For those of us who attracted BPD in our lives, we, too, likely sought the safety of a less stable connection through habit, familiarity and fear. Knowing helps but doesn't change what is. You aren't wrong for having needs, nor for hoping that your husband would help you in getting them met - that's the nature of secure connection or attachment. His impairments make it difficult to connect without your help.

I guess that is what SET, PUVAS, and DEARMAN are meant to do, assist your loved one to connect to you so that your needs for simple human connection can be met from time to time. I can see how my wife has been begging me for better connection between us, how distressing it is for her. I try to use the tools, but I cannot make her connect if she will not. It's the worst part of this disease for those of us still trying. How not to lose hope?

[Ceruleanblue]

I've done a lot of this too. I just know that he likely won't meet my needs, but I occasionally think, maybe this time is different. I get hung up I think because I see him doing for others(mainly his grown daughters), what I'd so love him to do for ME. He IS capable of it, and this is where I get hurt or angry. I know better than get emotional needs met by him, but there are some needs that ONLY he can fulfill: mine are small gifts meant to show he cares, and words of affirmation. He does these for his daughters, why can't he for ME?

It's power and control, I feel. I think with most pwBPD, they probably aren't giving a lot to anyone, but I know in my BPDh's case, he is. If he was equally crappy to everyone, and selfish and thoughtless with everyone, it would be much easier to just say it's a lost cause. But seeing him doing it for those who treat him the worst, yeah, that stinks. Maybe that is exactly WHY he tries harder with them. That is unhealthy also.

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who slips up and forgets that he's just not willing to meet my needs. It is like beating your head into a wall. I've used that analogy myself a few times.