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Author Topic: scared I did the wrong thing  (Read 556 times)
whitebackatcha
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #30 on: July 22, 2015, 11:19:41 AM »

"I respect your decision to end things. I got this book awhile ago, and still wanted you to have it. I hope you are doing well."

It will end on a positive note, it will make it clear why we aren't talking (which was the source of my anxiety), but it will make it easy for her not to respond unless she really wants to.

This flashes "INVALIDATION ALERT" to me.  What if she doesn't feel that she ended it?  Remember... .it's not about reality (from point of view of person observing the two of you).  It's about feelings... .totally... completely... from her point of view.

I think sending the book is great... .IF... .you feel good about sending it. 

I got this book awhile ago.  I thought of you and wanted to send it to you. I hope you are doing well.

To me... .this seems a lot better... .less chance of being twisted (although they can usually twist about anything.

How does the bolded sentence seem different to you... .than what you wrote?

FF

You're right. I'm being defensive instead of owning my feelings. I am trying to make sure she knows I am confused about the status of things because of the conversations on Monday... .so I should just say that. But I didn't want to, because it would make me feel vulnerable. This is a theme for me. I'm glad you pointed it out. I'll adjust accordingly.
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takingandsending
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Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
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« Reply #31 on: July 22, 2015, 11:44:22 AM »

Hi whitebackatcha.

Oh boy. Feeling vulnerable with our BPD partners ... .that is scary. For me, I realize it is about being vulnerable with anybody. I am willing to bet that a lot of us have a history with FOO (or others) of finding it difficult to share our feelings with others. The allure of the person with BPD is that they are so sensitive, so genuinely caring during the idealization phase.

So, how do you share what you are feeling right now with your partner? Tools like SET are effective with the caveat that they work best in non-escalated situations. It's been quiet. Typically, pwBPD do climb down from escalation given time. Using SET may at least allow you to describe your truth in a non-threatening way. Can you think of a SET that really gets to the heart of the confusion and fear that you are experiencing?

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whitebackatcha
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« Reply #32 on: July 22, 2015, 12:27:23 PM »

Oh boy. Feeling vulnerable with our BPD partners ... .that is scary. For me, I realize it is about being vulnerable with anybody. I am willing to bet that a lot of us have a history with FOO (or others) of finding it difficult to share our feelings with others. The allure of the person with BPD is that they are so sensitive, so genuinely caring during the idealization phase.

All of this, exactly. For me, I would add that it is about not feeling like my feelings matter and deserve to be heard, I just realized. I'm mulling over how expressing feelings could possibly be about strength, rather than living in fear and being quiet.

As far as SET, I decided to just go with basically, "I felt confused, but didn't want to be pushy. I wanted to be clear that my deactivation was about xyz, but I am still fully open to continuing the relationship." Then, I'm just speaking for myself, and am not asking anything of her, because I don't need her to do anything here other than understand. This seems to be the best way to communicate with her in general, when possible.
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takingandsending
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« Reply #33 on: July 22, 2015, 12:52:18 PM »

As far as SET, I decided to just go with basically, "I felt confused, but didn't want to be pushy. I wanted to be clear that my deactivation was about xyz, but I am still fully open to continuing the relationship."

It's good to stay with your feelings in most RS. I don't think it works for pwBPD. Have you tried doing the full Sympathy/Empathy before Truth with her?

Sympathy: I really love you, and I am on your side.

Empathy: I can understand how you may have felt hurt (or angry? or abandoned?) when I deactivated my accounts.

Truth: I don't want our RS to end over a misunderstanding. You mean more to me than a misunderstanding. Things work better between us when we talk to each other. Will you talk to me?

This is the only way that I have found to be vulnerable with my wife that has enough safety for me. I do have to be unattached to the results. She may or may not hear my truth, but there is self-love and strength in expressing it. Maybe it is the strength to love yourself and walk out of an RS that does not serve you. Maybe it is the strength to remain in the RS and find ways that it works for you. Either outcome, you are building your own emotional resilience, and that will not hurt you. 

PS - I wish it were easier for you, for people like us dealing with this. It's as if all of our weaknesses and insecurities are turned out and exposed living in this type of RS, and we have to deal with ourselves to be able to remain and deal with our partners. Some kind of personal hell, to be sure.

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whitebackatcha
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« Reply #34 on: July 22, 2015, 02:58:12 PM »

It's good to stay with your feelings in most RS. I don't think it works for pwBPD. Have you tried doing the full Sympathy/Empathy before Truth with her?

Sympathy: I really love you, and I am on your side.

Empathy: I can understand how you may have felt hurt (or angry? or abandoned?) when I deactivated my accounts.

Truth: I don't want our RS to end over a misunderstanding. You mean more to me than a misunderstanding. Things work better between us when we talk to each other. Will you talk to me?

This is the only way that I have found to be vulnerable with my wife that has enough safety for me. I do have to be unattached to the results. She may or may not hear my truth, but there is self-love and strength in expressing it. Maybe it is the strength to love yourself and walk out of an RS that does not serve you. Maybe it is the strength to remain in the RS and find ways that it works for you. Either outcome, you are building your own emotional resilience, and that will not hurt you. 

PS - I wish it were easier for you, for people like us dealing with this. It's as if all of our weaknesses and insecurities are turned out and exposed living in this type of RS, and we have to deal with ourselves to be able to remain and deal with our partners. Some kind of personal hell, to be sure.

The thing is, I don't actually know how she is feeling, so I wouldn't know how to empathize. I'm trying to at least not invalidate, even if I'm not sure how to validate. It has gone very poorly any time I have used a feeling word that hasn't already been used by her. Regarding the E, saying "It makes sense you would feel that way," "I know you feel upset right now," or even just using the word feel (because these aren't "feelings", this is reality) have all upset her because they feel patronizing to her.

Thank you, yes, I am trying to view all this as a growing experience. It alarms me that I ended up with someone like this in the first place, but I have been beaten down until I have finally seen the value in having boundaries. Years of therapy and self analysis didn't accomplish that!
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takingandsending
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« Reply #35 on: July 22, 2015, 04:13:41 PM »

Yes, there is always that risk. Does your gf usually correct you (after berating you for blah, blah, blah) to let you know what she is feeling if you get it wrong? Or do you get the double whammy of, if you don't know what I'm feeling by now ... .?

In either case, sometimes, you just have to chance it. Let her have her emotions around you guessing at her feelings, but don't defend what you said. Sometimes, I will tell my wife, "Good. You are angry, not sad. Got it. Well, I can understand how you would feel angry, too, when ... ." The point is, SET isn't about placating the pwBPD. It's about expressing your truth, as honestly and safely as you can. That's your part of the exercise. Her part is her part. She either is willing to engage or she is not, but you can't control that. When it works, it can be really helpful.
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whitebackatcha
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« Reply #36 on: July 22, 2015, 05:53:26 PM »

Yes, there is always that risk. Does your gf usually correct you (after berating you for blah, blah, blah) to let you know what she is feeling if you get it wrong? Or do you get the double whammy of, if you don't know what I'm feeling by now ... .?

... .

The point is, SET isn't about placating the pwBPD. It's about expressing your truth, as honestly and safely as you can. That's your part of the exercise. Her part is her part. She either is willing to engage or she is not, but you can't control that. When it works, it can be really helpful.

She just blows up and half the time ends the conversation all together. Her ideal would be to never discuss feelings at all, hers or mine. She wants to ignore the whole thing.

Yes, I've only just started trying these new techniques, and that is a good reminder. Things are such a mess, there have been so many areas to address, like not reacting to the ST, and not tolerating hurtful language. I assume that is part of why she left in the way she did, that she was uncomfortable with the changes, and that is scary, too.
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waverider
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« Reply #37 on: July 23, 2015, 02:50:11 AM »

Dont try to empathize unless she is trying to communicate a feeling. Otherwise it becomes presumptuous and imposing. Which leads to invalidation

Do not get empathizing mixed up with understanding. Empathizing can simply be acknowledging an emotion without actually understanding what she is expressing.
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