Could use some help - Being accused of an illness.

[Nonorway]

Hello,

I have been in a relationship for 1yr with my partner who has BPD/DID. She has had a very a very difficult background.

In the last few months things have been very strained and difficult.

Things have peaked recently. She has started to be convinced that I have mild autism. I have tried to be understanding about this and have genuinely considered the possibility. I do not agree with her feeling that I have this condition. I have asked many people I know, I have read things, and taken tests. However she is steadfast the only way to make our relationship work is to actively work on what she sees as autism traits.

Is accusing someone of an illness a common trait among BPD?



Thank you. I appreciate it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[spacemadness]

My BPD husband has accused me of being "crazy like my schizophrenic mother", but that was during a rage episode. Usually, it's the opposite, and if I mention I think I may have PTSD or whatever, he says I'm fine.

Is she trying to push you away? If she said that's the only way to make things work, maybe she is in the devaluing phase where they try to push us away.

[takingandsending]

Have you read about projection in the lessons? Take a look at that and see if it resonates with your situation and your question. It is common for pwBPD to engage in quite a bit of protecting their own feelings and behaviors on to others. However, sometimes they can also be insightful.

[Butterfly12]

I think it is.

My husband has told me that if I don't take care of my mental issues... .as well as anger, abusive behaviour and aggression our relationship will never get better. He hasn't out and out accused me of being BPD, but more or less did. I couldn't believe it. I stood there literally shaking in my shoes in disbelief.

It's not the first time either that he has called me the "crazy" one while screaming and threatening me. The day he was arrested he told me I was crazy and he was going to take our kids away from me... .while he trashed the house and screamed at me the whole time.

Yeah. Projection.

[an0ught]

Hi Nonorway,

has everyone some unhealthy behavior? Yes.

Do partners of pwBPD acquired additional unhealthy behavior. Most do. This board is a lot about shedding that again.

Are partners who are exposed to constant distress likely to be depressed? Yes. A higher percentage of members are depressed than the general population. Overcoming that is also part of the work here.

Is it likely you got autism? Ask an expert if you feel the need. A pwBPD is likely to pick up emotional related behavior that is off. PwBPD are often quite sensitive so in some sense you can trust them picking things up. But that is different from trusting their judgment. In a distressed relationship with a pwBPD a lot of emotional related behavior of partners is off. And the pwBPD is probably the least objective person to do an objective diagnose.

There are many possible explanations:

- you are not so good in picking up emotions and validating her. She turns that into mild autism.

- you are refusing to react to some of her emotions, possibly resorting to stonewalling and ignoring some of her feelings.

- you are numb from being depressed and constantly overloaded.

- she recently learned a bit of psychology and is projecting it

You are upset but is it causing any harm? Arguing against this "mild autism" just leads to plenty of JADE (Justification, Arguing, Defending and Explaining - all furthering upset in the pwBPD). Why not act differently? Work on your "autism" if your partner wants it. What is most likely true is that you need to improve your validation skills - and with that reading and displaying emotions. Normal people need average skills we partners of pwBPD need above average emotional validation skills that are also present when we are under extreme pressure. If your partner understands that your "autism" causes you to be sometimes less than perfect in your responses - wouldn't that a positive development? If the label "autism" forces both sides to work on communicating emotions more explicitly - wouldn't that be a big win for moving the relationship from more invalidating to more validating?

It is natural to take this as a harsh judgment, invalidating and personal. But then there could be also an opportunity in it. You find pointers to workshops on validation in the LESSONS post at the top of this board.

,

a0

[waverider]

pwBPD do sense when something is "off" with someone, they are hyper sensitive. However their "diagnosis' and attribution is quite often way off.

Often the issue has a lot to do with why we are with a pwBPD, or even because of it. Sometimes it is our defensive reaction to it.

As A0nought says, seeing ourselves for who we truly are objectively, and not as dictated to us by our pwBPD, is all part of what we learn here. We learn to accept and believe in ourselves and use that as armor against these kinds of deflective accusations.

[Sunfl0wer]

I wonder... .

What are the reasons she gives for thinking you have mild autism?

What are the "symptoms" or "behaviors" that she is concerned about?

[formflier]

Is accusing someone of an illness a common trait among BPD?

Yes it is.

I have watched my wife argue with PhD counselors and psychologists about what I have (PTSD service connected).  I have had multiple rounds of testing and diagnosis... .and... .surprise surprise... .all are consistent with PTSD.

Once she said that she would stay with me if I was bipolar... .but since it was only PTSD... .she would have to divorce me... .  

Two purposes in me getting all this testing... .

One... to make sure I had my stuff sorted out...

Two... .it was a "deal"... .I get tested... and she gets tested.  Eventually she did get evaluations done... .but there was lots of "reasons" why she would back out.

Anyway... my advice...

Listen... don't react.

Get yourself evaluated and tested... .privately.  Always a good thing to get a clear view of what is... .and isn't going on with you.

FF

[Ysabel]

Here is what I have been accused of by my BPDh: I'm a loser, filthy, dirty, slimy, deceitful, hater, "hated him since the day I married him", just to name a few. After a violent attack on me, he told the police that I had given him the bruises and cuts on his head, when he knew that he had fallen into the piano himself. It is crazy making and I get tired of this duplicitous nature of his.

[vortex of confusion]

Would it be possible to get some therapy? Even if there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, having somebody in real life to discuss this stuff with might be helpful.

Everyone has some kind of baggage and things that can be worked on for personal growth.

[Cat Familiar]

I was accused of being Asperbergers (or however your spell it), otherwise known as mild autism, by a friend who is a disabled student's counselor. She may very well have BPD but has been diagnosed as bipolar. This remark came about when she was breaking down sobbing in a restaurant about a failed love affair (one of her many) and I went into my problem solving mode.

I both took it seriously because of her professional credentials, yet at the same time, I thought it was funny. I did some research and I asked my therapist, who readily dismissed the notion.

I think that if you're an analytical, highly logical person who is not very emotional, you can appear as somewhat autistic by an overly emotional, irrational person, otherwise known as a drama queen (or king). That I can admit to. Also I can miss subtle emotional cues that someone else might pick up. But for me, life is not a roller coaster--it's a smooth ride with a few bumps in the way and that's the way I like it. 

[Daniell85]

Women usually respond with some degree of comforting and sympathy. Lady probably thought being problem solved was really bizarre.

[waverider]

Problem solving can be an invalidation trigger for a stressed out pwBPD. It screams to them that you "just don't get it" and they believe therefore there is something wrong with you

[formflier]

 

Problem solving mode is one that I used to feel comfortable in... .and I unknowingly pushed our r/s in a bad way... .(this was pre BPD knowledge)

Anyway... .now I ask if she wants my help... .unless I get a crystal clear yes... .I don't lift a finger...

A response  of "if you have to ask... .(fill in the blank with BPD silliness)... means I'm going fishing... or for a walk... .and not solving problems...

jeesh... .

FF

[Nonorway]

Thank YOU all so much! I wasn't expecting such an amazing response! I am going to sleep on all of this and get back to tomorrow (Sunday). Again. Thank you!