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Author Topic: How old for son to provide him reference material  (Read 503 times)
yeeter
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« on: July 19, 2015, 08:10:02 AM »

Hi all, hugs to everyone (because I know dang well you can all use some). 

Smiling (click to insert in post)

I have been around here a while.  But for the last several months have been nose down raising the kids and just turning the crank of life.  Lots of practice on validation, refusing to suck into drama, keep the thick skin and set the course forward with confidence and strength.

As my children age, they realize more and more the difficulties of living with my wife.  (They are now 11, 9, and 7).  Between my son and I we talk openly about the blowups.  The unfairness.  The gas lighting. The double standards.  The focus that everything is really about her.   I try to give useful suggestions and advice for him.  It never really seems adequate (and I recon someday I am going to have to answer the reasons why I chose my wife and then why I had children with her, but I'm kicking that can down the road for a while).  He manages it amazing well, but still needs all the support and help I can give him.

My question is, when is it appropriate to point my son to other references?  I wouldn't point him to this site just yet because a) she would find it and b) he would likely figure out my moniker and history. 

But was wondering if the 'stop walking on eggshells' would be a useful text for him? (or others recommended? He is quite smart and mature, and could easily understand the book).  I think the emphasis on boundaries would be beneficial to him, even if he is not always able to implement them (because parent/child power dynamics are very different than adult/adult power relationship).

On the one hand I want to do anything that is useful.  On the other hand I'm not to keen on labeling her (in his mind at least... .Although I will admit that once I allowed myself to use the label it gave me context on what to work on)

Any thoughts?   

(Sorry if this might be in the wrong section... .I am not parenting a child with BPD so it didn't go there, but am coparenting with a npd/BPD wife, so it seemed related to what it takes to 'stay'

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« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2015, 04:58:07 PM »

 

I've got a bunch of kids as well...

I resist labels... .and focus more on what they can do... and let them interpret "with whom they can use strategies". 

Heck... .not jadeing works well when they are talking to me as well.

I would really recommend using a family T... .and allowing your kids to process with them...

I don't know what my kids talk with family T about... .but it was good for them.  Family T gave me (and wife) pointers about where to go with each kid... .and we left it at that.

I fear that if you are the one explaining your wife to your kids... .well... that's just not good.

Boundaries.

You speak for yourself...

let you wife choose to speak for herself... .or not...

Last thought... .obviously... .we don't want to turn away a kid that is reaching out.  So... .let the talks be about them.  Don't fill in knowledge gaps during that talk... .but remember for the future. (this is advice of my family T... seems to work out well)

The issue is that we get too wrapped up in "explaining" what a kid "needs" to know when we should be listening... and helping kid feel safe and comfortable talking. 

For me... I'll find time in next few days (and after a lot of thought) to fill in knowledge gaps (or to remain silent).

Hope this helps!

FF
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« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2015, 07:24:35 PM »

Hello yeeter,

Though the CP board says "after the split," the material in the right margin I think is particularly helpful in raising kids, together or apart, especially Lessons 4 and 5 in the right side-bar there. Alienation can occur, even unwittingly or subtly, by the non-disordered spouse. Check this out:

What to Tell the Kids About a High Conflict Co-Parent - Bill Eddy, LCSW

Many parents have asked us about how to raise a child or children with a co-parent (whether a spouse, former spouse or unmarried partner) who is “high-conflict.” In other words, the co-parent frequently exhibits some or all of the following:

• preoccupied with blaming others (often those closest to him/her, like the child or the other parent – or both)

• extreme behaviors (like yelling, hitting spouse or child, making false allegations, spreading rumors, hiding money, and so forth)

• all-or-nothing thinking (solutions to problems have to be all their way; they see some people (including themselves) as all-good and others (including you) as all-bad; may see one of his or her children as all-good and the other as all-bad)

• unmanaged emotions (screaming, crying, pleading) – but some don’t show this.  

If you are a parent who is asking this question, it is very important to avoid being accused of “bad-mouthing” the other parent, by speaking negatively about him or her to the children and providing too much information about adult issues, such as a court case. On the other hand, you want to protect your children from the blaming and uncontrolled behavior of the high-conflict co-parent, and to provide the children with coping skills and help them not blame themselves.

This article discusses one way parents can deal with both concerns, while helping your children to be resilient throughout their lives.




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Panda39
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« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2015, 07:56:47 PM »

Hi Yeeter,

My SO is in a different situation because he is divorced from his uBPDxw and his daughters are 18 & 14 so older than your kids.

My SO also didn't label anything and just tried to support and validate his girls' feelings as they have been watching their mom spiral downwards.  About a year and a half ago the girls started asking more questions and at some point BPD was talked about, both have been doing some reading on the topic themselves, and they and their dad are very open about what is going on with mom.  They have had conversations about FOG, about boundaries, and because of their mom's actions they are currently NC with mom and dealing with all that entails.

D18 (You have to be 18 to be a member here) has been lurking around here for a little while and posted her first post a few weeks ago and just wrote a paper for her Psychology class on BPD.

D14 is in therapy with a really good therapist that "gets it" and has been instrumental in helping with setting boundaries.

In my SO's case I was very pro name the disorder, I hated always having the "elephant" in the room and I am an honesty is the best policy person but it had to be when the girls were ready so we waited for them.  I think it has been a relief for them to know there is a name for what is going on with their mom. However, they don't live with their mom so in someways our situation is less complicated.

Has your wife been officially diagnosed? Does she believe she has BPD (my SO's uBPDxw denies there is anything wrong with her - she has been diagnosed BiPolar not BPD) I think a question would be how do you think she would react to the kids learning the name?  Would she feel shamed by the kids knowing she has a disorder? Would them knowing the name make her angry... .defensive... .feel like an outsider? 

Since you are still together (I assume since your posting on the "Staying Board" and share a home I would stick with no labels for now and continue to coach your kids with the tools in your toolbox, validate their feelings,teach them boundaries and protect them when appropriate.

I am also a big proponent of therapy for kids with a BPD parent.  That neutral place to talk with someone outside of the situation has been invaluable particularly for D14.

I didn't want to end this without giving you kudos for the care and understanding you are showing your children.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Panda39
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« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2015, 08:08:54 PM »

 

I think it is fine to label behaviors... .blaming... .yelling (etc)... .but unless there is a diagnosis to talk about... .best to stay away from labeling what causes a disorder.

So... .in my case... .I helped my kids understand that telling someone "why" they did something or that the did something "just to piss off" my wife (going for motivation) was not the best way to go about things. 

I didn't say my wife was "wrong" to do it... .but that it might be "better" to do it a different way... .but sometimes adults are tired... upset... and don't do things as good as they hope. 

That discussion flowed naturally into there are ok responses... .and better responses to someone saying you did something "because".  Basically... .to avoid jading... .

Turkish,

That article was really good... I'm going to incorporate the big 4... .in my talks.

FF
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« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2015, 08:30:43 AM »

Thanks for all the thoughts.

My goal is in helping the kids develop coping and management skills.  And yes, many of these are useful in other relationship dynamics as well.

Its  just that they are getting to a point where they are realizing mom is a difficult person to be around.

And the tools and choices they have are different than the tools and choices we have as other adults.  Boundaries in particular are hard to establish for a child - in many instances they can not draw the line the same way, and just have to put up with emotional outbursts.

I am trying to help them.  And no, I am not trying to alienate. Also I have to be careful not to try to fill my own emotional needs via my children (the ones that should come from my spouse but dont).

A T for son would be good.  We have tried it before, but it involved both my wife and myself being there.  (wife has a high disdain for T's, and is unlikely to support my son going to one by himself - plus my son really doesnt want to do it because he is afraid his classmates would find out and he would then be made fun of). 

After doing more research there is much out there.  And reading some of the boards on having a parent with BPD is helpful, since those members can share what worked for them and the different ways it affected their lives.


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« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2015, 09:04:16 AM »

in many instances they can not draw the line the same way, and just have to put up with emotional outbursts.

Can you give us an example?

FF
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« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2015, 06:01:23 AM »

Having had a BPD mom, I knew as early as 8 (possibly earlier) that something was very wrong. So my only advise is don’t ignore it, as that just legitimises that kind of behaviour and may lead the child to believe they are the problem.  I would agree with formflier, treat the behaviour not the label. Everything was denied in my family which lead to all manner of (serious) problems for us kids.

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« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2015, 06:45:17 AM »

I think it is important not to send them down the path of trying to understand the disorder. That in itself is a black hole,we have all done it, spent enormous amounts of time and effort trying "understand" it. It can be depressing.

I would guide him more down the path of accepting that it just is, not to take it personally and to fill his life with other stuff. Rather than stressing out trying to work out what is mum is on about.

His mums problems are her problems and he just needs to work around it without taking it on board, and to be able to open up to you when necessary. Unfortunately kids ability to enforce boundaries are limited, but not impossible, and you may be able to talk through possibilities.
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« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2015, 09:32:49 AM »

I knew as early as 8 (possibly earlier) that something was very wrong.

I recently saw a drawing my sister had made at the age of seven depicting our alcohol-abusing father. Along with the stick-figure representing our father, there was a sign that read, "Wanted: Him" and a space labeled "Alley" that had a broken bottle lying in it.

The second thing that struck me about this drawing (after the fact that it was such an early piece from my artistic sister) was that the general situation remained pretty constant throughout her childhood and mine. In one way or another, I think all three of us kids "knew it" from about the age of eight. An entire childhood to struggle with this.

Bravo for you yeeter, for wrestling so actively with the core problem of your children's mother's mental health.

Board Moderator livednlearned has written some wonderful posts about the resilience work she is doing with her teenage son (and with herself). Her situation is different from yours in the crucial respect that she and her son's father are no longer together. But the things she has learned and is learning are very exciting, and I think you and other parents who post on the "Staying" board can benefit greatly from hearing them.

They definitely make me wish for a "do over" of my "don't ask, don't tell" childhood. 



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« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2015, 06:59:02 PM »

in many instances they can not draw the line the same way, and just have to put up with emotional outbursts.

Can you give us an example?

FF

It's tricky to describe the situations accurately (you all have lived it though).   I was trying to think of a good example.  One that has been getting worse, is that my wife is experiencing higher anxiety than usual when its time to leave the house.  So she stalls, gets on the computer, preps some more.  Decides something needs done before leaving (sometimes for the kids todo). And then it becomes a rush to get in the car and get going.  Sometimes late.  Which she then projects onto the kids (they didn't do this in time, or didn't go get in the car when she told the to, etc etc).   Then they know to just get in quickly and sit still and not say a word else she will take it out on them.

If it were me I could have a boundary of just getting up and leaving when the time came.  And can refuse to own her emotional projections.  Could get up and leave the room.

But for kids, its harder.  If they talk back or don't respond the way she wants they know there will be some form of punishment for it.

So they are getting that its not normal.  Yet have to manage it in the moment.  It feels like too often my advice for them is avoidance (just clear out when you sense it coming, give mom space.  In this example just go sit in the car until she is ready). 

(I had what seemed a better written post that got lost .  It always seems better the first time!)
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yeeter
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« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2015, 07:07:18 PM »

.

I would guide him more down the path of accepting that it just is, not to take it personally and to fill his life with other stuff. Rather than stressing out trying to work out what is mum is on about.

His mums problems are her problems and he just needs to work around it without taking it on board, and to be able to open up to you when necessary. Unfortunately kids ability to enforce boundaries are limited, but not impossible, and you may be able to talk through possibilities.

Hi Wave, great to see you and hope you are doing well!

Excellent advice as usual and indeed my objective.    But part of not taking it personally is recognizing that the behavior isn't 'normal', and as such he can let it roll off (that some of her projections aren't valid).   For my daughter this is easier (a personality difference) My son is a sensitive type so internalizes it more. 

I'm just looking for good tools to help them, feeling like my own toolbag is limited. 

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« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2015, 07:18:34 PM »

It's tricky to describe the situations accurately (you all have lived it though).   I was trying to think of a good example.  One that has been getting worse, is that my wife is experiencing higher anxiety than usual when its time to leave the house.  So she stalls, gets on the computer, preps some more.  Decides something needs done before leaving (sometimes for the kids todo). And then it becomes a rush to get in the car and get going.  Sometimes late.  Which she then projects onto the kids (they didn't do this in time, or didn't go get in the car when she told the to, etc etc).   

This is interesting. I never pondered that what you describe above (which was the norm more than not) may have been due to my Ex's anxiety about leaving the house. If I tried to get us somewhere early, she did my like "my time being wasted." So it was me WoE, even for something as simple as going to the mall 3 miles away.

Do you validate that anxiety at all? How you deal with things is what your kids will mirror, since you are their only reference point.
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« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2015, 07:52:31 PM »

 

Yeeter,

I'm going to toss some ideas out there... .for discussion... .I'm not recommending action... .because this is not something I deal with in my r/s on a regular basis. 

It does come up sometimes... .and if it matters to me to be on time... .I am on time... and wife will eventually get over it.  Or... .if on time is not a big deal... I roll with it.  I'm talking once a month... .so I don't consider that a "regular" thing.

Anyway... .think on what Turkish said about validating anxiety. 

Does she admit to being anxious? 

I think a couple "test cases" are in order... make plans... .and when she starts waffling... .ask her about what she is feeling (don't suggest).  Validate what comes out...

Later... .go with "help me understand... " to see if you can find out where it comes from... .again... listen... validate (DO NOT OFFER SUGGESTIONS TO MAKE IT BETTER)

If she avoids answering... try it a few more times.  Then directly ask about anxiety/fear.

If answers/emotions flow... .validate. (fixing is way... .waaaay later)

Then... .if none of this is producing a "target emotion" that you can validate (in other words... .no useful answers)

It's time to take your life back... .you tried... .she will bring it up when she is ready.

Before you go down this road... .it's gut check time.  Turning around in the face of pressure is worse than never starting down the road.

"We'll be leaving the house at 3pm to go to xyz... ."  (make sure plenty of notice... .and no real emergency)... .go... .

This becomes the new normal.


Most likely that will produce emotions you can validate... .

FF
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« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2015, 08:16:06 PM »

If it were me I could have a boundary of just getting up and leaving when the time came.  And can refuse to own her emotional projections.  Could get up and leave the room.

Have you thought about empowering the kids to come tell you? What do YOU do when you see mom getting out of hand with the kids? I know that it will likely be seen by the other parent as you undermining them. I don't care. In some situations, I am going to step in and say, "Hey, knock it off." I say stuff like, "I don't like people to talk like that to ANYBODY in this house. I am not going to let your mom treat you like crap any more than I am going to let you treat mom like crap." I try to take the lead and set the tone for what is or isn't allowed behavior.

Excerpt
So they are getting that its not normal.  Yet have to manage it in the moment.  It feels like too often my advice for them is avoidance (just clear out when you sense it coming, give mom space.  In this example just go sit in the car until she is ready).

There is nothing wrong with them learning that it is okay to avoid this stuff. The key is to find ways to empower them. Even though they can't tell mom to knock it off, they can still be given things to do when mom starts behaving in certain ways. Has she ever been violent towards the kids? I would think that the 11 year old is old enough to have some more difficult discussions with. What I am getting at is creating a plan in the event that your wife should get violent or start being abusive to the kids. It is letting them know that it is okay to call 911.

I am on a couple of parenting forums and one of the recommendations is for parents to give kids the number to a family member or other "safe" person just in case. I am not sure how to explain it other than to say it is a built in safety measure in case a kid ever feels unsafe or needs somebody to talk to about what is going on. And you don't have to frame it as "Mom has BPD" or any kind of label. You can frame it as, being a kid can sometimes be hard and sometimes adults don't always act like adults should act. Or something like that. Whether or not a parent has BPD or any other kind of disorder, I think it is a good idea to have these kinds of talks with kids to help them understand that adults aren't all powerful and they don't always have the answers.

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« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2015, 09:16:02 PM »

 

Can also be framed as kids don't always understand properly... .so... .when they don't understand... .they can call someone that will help them sort through what is going on.

I've intervened a couple of times in blowups in the house... .

Wife and I had agreement that if either one of us asked the other to go speak privately... .we would honor it.  Sounds great... .0% success rate.

So... .when she has gotten out of hand and accused kids... made them cry... .told them what I am thinking and conspiring about... .I will march in the room and sit down (very important for me to check myself first... .to make sure I'm at top of my game)

I will say things like "I don't believe this is appropriate for anyone in the house to doing/saying"

"I'm right here... .if anyone wants to know what I'm thinking/feeling... .I am more than happy to discuss... "

The key is... .I stay in the room... .the few times this has happened... .she eventually stomped off.

From my point of view... .this "worked"... .she disengaged.  The frequency of these outbursts has gone way down.

She attempted to bring one up in MC to "prove" I was undermining her... .that I interrupted her conversation with a daughter.  Once we slowed the conversation down... .she finally saw that she was the one interrupting my conversation

Bottom line for me:  Lower level stuff... .I let go.  When voices get big and kids start crying... .or sounding very upset... .I want them to see me standing up for them against anyone that is "persecuting" them.  If that happens to be mommy... .so be it.

FF
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« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2015, 09:42:43 PM »

What Vortex said was interesting. My Ex used to tell me to say those exact words to her sometimes because in the moment of dysregulation, she was unaware how her actions affected me and the kids, "knock it off!" I even saw her then teenage little brother say something to her like this at a Thanksgiving dinner where she started to angrily dysregulate due to being triggered by her dad. It worked. IMO, it's a short term solution, but if it works... .like ff said, check your gut...
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« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2015, 01:37:31 AM »

Some good thoughts here. 

The kids do sometimes come get me, when I am around. I work and my wife stays home so I am not always there. Other times I have gotten a text from son, when I am on a business trip, that 'moms going crazy and wish you were here'. Other times they will tell me they only want to do something if I am going also (son tells me outright it's better when I am there because I can calm mom some)

It's good that I am there for them as an outlet.

I guess in the limit though, there are only so many options they have as children.  I Might try teaching my son the concept of validation.  It's so easy for it to backfire though, and the thought of a child needing to validate a parents emotions seems... .Inappropriate. (Not quite sure the word I would use)

'Knock it off' would not go over well.  Although son has started pushing back a little in this way. It turns into some back and forth with each of them trying to get the last jab in. If course mom ultimately wins (as you know it's not a rational argument at that point)


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« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2015, 02:26:50 AM »

The article Turkish shared talks about teaching the "big skills for life" as early as age 4. This is eye-opening for me, and I wonder what age(s) others remember their children sensing a bigger problem.

We recently took my daughter to see Pixar's "Inside Out" and I highly recommend it. I think it will help me frame conversations with my daughter in the future about identifying and managing emotions (as opposed to ignoring, controlling or judging them). It's a great lesson in validation, too!

Note: My uBPDw was emotionally exhausted from the movie. Be careful... .I fully anticipated this movie would trigger her and lead to dysregulation, but I hope that she learned something from it, too.
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« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2015, 06:44:39 AM »

 

That was a great movie... .I thought similar things about it being a good teaching tool.

Yeeter,

Your kids seem to have some legitimate gripes... .I'm also getting the vibe they are using those to "divide and conquer" the parents.  It's what kids do (I have 8 of them... .funny how they all were issued same playbook... .)

So... when they reach out about Mom... .I would only validate... .and not fix.  (assuming no physical abuse)

Stress to them that they should state their case once... .and hush.  That a conversation is not a battle of wills... .

Thoughts?

FF
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« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2015, 08:42:38 AM »

I have gotten a text from son, when I am on a business trip, that 'moms going crazy and wish you were here'.

Yeeter, this seems to me a good sign. (I mean, a good sign for your son's "big picture" mental health development.) I could be wrong, but with a statement like that, I don't see a kid trying to play one parent off another. But rather a kid who knows he is not "bad"; knows his situation is difficult; and, most important, knows he has a healthy parent who's got his back, in a very fundamental way.

I think you've been doing something really right.

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« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2015, 09:09:24 AM »

I think you've been doing something really right.

I agree... .take my comments as "tweaking" something to get up to "best" on good better best.

When you step back and "look at the forest"... .your son feels comfortable reaching out to you about this.

I would be interested in what he defines and crazy... .and... .at some point you might nudge him to describe behavior... .vice labeling... .

But... .you kid is communicating to you about something very stressful... .this is a good thing.

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« Reply #22 on: July 22, 2015, 09:10:20 AM »

I guess in the limit though, there are only so many options they have as children.  I Might try teaching my son the concept of validation.  It's so easy for it to backfire though, and the thought of a child needing to validate a parents emotions seems... .Inappropriate. (Not quite sure the word I would use)

I am wondering if you could focus on it being okay to have different opinions. It is similar to what you read about in some of the stuff related to DBT. I think it is one step before validation. I know that my kids and I have talked about how it is okay to have a different opinion. We tend to discuss in the broader context such as current events. There are a lot of really controversial things in the news that can be used as a point of discussion.

It is laying the foundation so that when there are issues at home, you can use the larger context as a point of discussion to depersonalize things and not make mom into the bad guy. Mom has a different opinion and a different perspective. You and mom can BOTH be right. You can be right without having to argue it or prove it (A more age appropriate way of saying "don't JADE". )    

Focusing on helping a kid learn empathy goes a long way as well. One of the things that you can ask really young kids is "How would you feel if. . ." types of questions. If one of my kids hits the other, it becomes a series of questions like, "How does it feel to be hit by your sister?" to help them explore how the other person might feel. It is all part of a larger ongoing conversation to help the kids develop emotional intelligence so that the behavior of the other parent as well as other people don't have such a huge impact on them. It is helping the kid to learn skills that the other parent probably didn't. All of this can be done without ever mentioning any kind of label. These are skills that are not usually taught in schools but go a long way to helping kids deal with family and friends that have problems.
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« Reply #23 on: July 22, 2015, 09:22:45 AM »



Personal note here: 

I was taught to be polite and compliment people when I grew up.  I was not taught how to validate.

My parents were more interested in teaching me how to act... .rather than how to deal with emotions... .and emotional people.

So... I'm working through what it means to validate (as a 45 year old)... and it feels weird.  I see the benefit... .and I'll figure it out.

So... .IMO... .teaching your kids to validate others emotions... .is a blessing you can bestow on them.  If one of the people that they validate is Mom... .so be it.

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« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2015, 09:52:56 AM »

So... I'm working through what it means to validate (as a 45 year old)... and it feels weird.  I see the benefit... .and I'll figure it out.

So... .IMO... .teaching your kids to validate others emotions... .is a blessing you can bestow on them.  If one of the people that they validate is Mom... .so be it.

In order to validate others emotions, here are a couple of things that must be understood first. . .

1. Emotions are okay. Even big scary emotions are okay as long as they are dealt with in a healthy manner. (I came from a home where only certain emotions were okay. Being an angry butthole was okay. Crying was NOT okay. I couldn't express negative emotions about people that were on the white list. It is difficult to validate other people's emotions when not comfortable with the full range of emotions.)

2. Emotions can be fleeting. (Being mad at somebody doesn't mean that they hate you. I think it is really important for kids to learn that. It is difficult to validate something when I feel like "WOW, this person hates me. How can I validate that?" It is much easier to validate something that is likely to pass.)

3. Don't take it personally. (This has been a hard one for me. I have been trying to model this one for the kids a lot. I model it by talking about MY emotions. For example, I am tired and get a little snappy. I apologize and let the kids know that my snappiness had nothing to do with them. It becomes much easier for a kid to learn to validate when they learn that other people's behavior isn't about them.)

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« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2015, 10:28:56 AM »

Hey Yeeter, nice to hear from you.  Sounds like our kids are in similar age groups - I have a S11 and D7.  S11 is definitely picking up on the fact that not all is well with mom.  And the two of them seem to have more problems as he becomes more independent.  In talking with S11, I have tried to focus on helping him to understand what normal behaviors and normal emotional reactions look like. 

After thinking through this a bit, I plan to work with him on avoiding JADE not taking mom's stuff personally.  I think I have laid a good foundation for the discussion of not taking stuff personally b/c we've established that her emotional reactions are outside of the range that you see in most people. 

It's tough, however, and I do feel tempted to let him in on the "secret" that his mom seems to suffer from BPD.  He is mature enough and smart enough to understand it; however, he is still a child after all, and I fear he would throw the BPD concept in her face sometime when the two of them are having a blowup. 

So at this point I don't plan on specifically teaching him about BPD, but I will steer him towards things like psychology classes (especially abnormal psych) in high school and college, so hopefully he will pick up on it on his own.
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« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2015, 11:10:36 AM »

So at this point I don't plan on specifically teaching him about BPD, but I will steer him towards things like psychology classes (especially abnormal psych) in high school and college, so hopefully he will pick up on it on his own.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

There are a surprising number of threads on bpdfamily describing kids picking up specific understandings even in high school courses.

And there are messages and messengers that can come completely out of left field: One woman on the Co-Parenting board told of a church service during which the minister was speaking of wrathful people, and her young son said, "Mom, he's talking about Dad."

I love vortex's work with big emotions and becoming more comfortable with them. This is the type of stuff that Board Moderator livednlearned discusses in some detail in some of her more recent threads.

You guys are terrific parents, and I'm confident you're making a difference for your children.
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« Reply #27 on: July 24, 2015, 10:25:41 AM »

Bravo for you yeeter, for wrestling so actively with the core problem of your children's mother's mental health.

Ditto.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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