hypervigilance/fears of cheating because of emotional dishonesty

[Depression = 72% of members]

Have many here noticed that you have become hypervigilant... .continually on edge. My gf makes considerable efforts to change (although she doesn't have a BPD diagnosis) but I am still aware on a daily basis that I may get a cruel remark aimed at me... .because of ongoing emotional attacks I've noticed recently that I can't relax, and often feel very defensive. I have set a number of boundaries that I have for the most part stuck to (around criticism, controlling behavpiur etc) but gf still makes indirect, covert remarks aimed at shaming me (about my diet, money, cleaning, driving, decisions, beliefs). I am learning to take time for myself and try to think of these remarks as symptoms but it is easy to slip in and out of this way of thinking.

The other major issue I have is trust... .I don't trust my partner to be honest with me.The bottom line is I feel that she could easily justify lying to me if she felt she needed to. I think the major reason I am so suspicious is because of emotional dishonesty... .because it is so difficult for her to be emotionally honest, I have major doubts about her honesty in terms of faithfulness etc. I have had episodes where I was convinced she might be cheating but after investigating (unhealthy I know) I found nothing more than some emails to exes that were fairly innocuous and routine... .flirty but not strongly coming on... .more her instinctive need for approval/attention from others. After that she has had no significant contact with her ex or other guys although she does chat with a lot of male friends on Facebook again in a fairly innocuous way. I have accepted that she has a natural waif style and that she still adopts that with men sometimes. For me it is the fact that she very rarely owns what she is doing... .she rather tries to change my perception of it... .this leaves me feeling manipulated or uncertain of her ability to be honest with herself. How do people come to terms with this emotional dishonesty in a partner... .is the answer to withdraw emotionally a little and accept in advance that if she did break the trust in the rs I could just move on and react to it then. I find the worrying a bit exhausting

I do need to be clear that my partner has made a lot of effort during the rs to not be so manipulative, and to observe her own reactions and try not to act out

[CommittedToMyself]

Have many here noticed that you have become hypervigilant... .continually on edge. My gf makes considerable efforts to change (although she doesn't have a BPD diagnosis) but I am still aware on a daily basis that I may get a cruel remark aimed at me... .because of ongoing emotional attacks I've noticed recently that I can't relax, and often feel very defensive. I have set a number of boundaries that I have for the most part stuck to (around criticism, controlling behavpiur etc) but gf still makes indirect, covert remarks aimed at shaming me (about my diet, money, cleaning, driving, decisions, beliefs). I am learning to take time for myself and try to think of these remarks as symptoms but it is easy to slip in and out of this way of thinking.

The other major issue I have is trust... .I don't trust my partner to be honest with me.The bottom line is I feel that she could easily justify lying to me if she felt she needed to. I think the major reason I am so suspicious is because of emotional dishonesty... .because it is so difficult for her to be emotionally honest, I have major doubts about her honesty in terms of faithfulness etc. I have had episodes where I was convinced she might be cheating but after investigating (unhealthy I know) I found nothing more than some emails to exes that were fairly innocuous and routine... .flirty but not strongly coming on... .more her instinctive need for approval/attention from others. After that she has had no significant contact with her ex or other guys although she does chat with a lot of male friends on Facebook again in a fairly innocuous way. I have accepted that she has a natural waif style and that she still adopts that with men sometimes. For me it is the fact that she very rarely owns what she is doing... .she rather tries to change my perception of it... .this leaves me feeling manipulated or uncertain of her ability to be honest with herself. How do people come to terms with this emotional dishonesty in a partner... .is the answer to withdraw emotionally a little and accept in advance that if she did break the trust in the rs I could just move on and react to it then. I find the worrying a bit exhausting

I do need to be clear that my partner has made a lot of effort during the rs to not be so manipulative, and to observe her own reactions and try not to act out

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

The other major issue I have is trust... .I don't trust my partner to be honest with me.

CommittedToMyself,

Great post... .I can see how you are working through things... .which helps me provide advice.

I would encourage you to try this on for size.

You partner is being honest with you... ."in that moment"...

Even if later on you have a different point of view... .or if she does... please remember and be empathetic about someone that feels really intense emotions... .

Rather than figuring out if you believe your partner or not... .try to figure out where the baseline is... .the "mean" of the things that they are saying.  Most likely that is where your version of "honesty" is at.

FF

[CommittedToMyself]

Thanks ff for your encouragement.

[an0ught]

Hi CommittedToMyself,

some anxiety is normal and a lot of us are traumatized  . A T may be able to support you overcoming hyper-vigilance and if you can't get a grip on it consider seeking professional help - constant stress sucks.

I would suggest spending some time on boundaries - the whole concept as it is laid out in the workshops. The gist is: Boundaries are rules for you. There are a lot of things that are unknowable - what she truly feels and part of what she truly does. But then she is also interacting with you and for you to feel comfortable you need to feel respected. Where are the lines for you where you and she interact and intersect? By focusing on the knowable and controllable you find areas where you can act and have control. That makes you feel less helpless and lets you easier deal with stuff you can't all know and control.

It takes effort to wrap your head around boundaries but it is definitely worth it!

[vortex of confusion]

My husband and I recently had a good conversation about something along these lines.

I forget how I phrased it but I asked him something along the lines of, "What can I do to help you feel more comfortable sharing stuff with me? How come you haven't shared some of this stuff with me before? I feel like you have been lying and withholding a big part of yourself. I don't remember the specifics of what I said.

What sticks in my mind is his response, "How can I be honest with you when I can't be honest with myself. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes that it is easier to hide from myself than it is to admit this stuff to myself. If I can't admit it to myself and be honest with myself, then how in the world could I possibly share it with you?"

Before he can be honest with me, he has to be honest with himself and that is very difficult for him to do.