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Author Topic: Very "experienced" but still feeling hurt  (Read 388 times)
sempervivum
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« on: July 19, 2015, 05:47:59 PM »

I AM a new member, but life with a BPD person is not new to me. To be honest, my husband has never been diagnosed, never went to therapy and I am still not quite sure how much (if at all) is he aware of his disorder. How do I know it is a BPD: 24 years of marriage, living through his flights and falls, educating myself along the way and me visiting a therapist several times. Even if it is not a BPD, it is a disorder.

We have both changed, I no longer feel all this so emotionally as at the beginning, but I still feel injustice, anger and frustration every time my husband starts being a control freak, complains about petty things and accuses either me or our children of something unimportant (but extremely important to him).

I could write a lot about such situations, like many other people here, but for the start it is all about these feelings that I emphasized above. We have just ended another critical phase and sailed into quieter waters but I feel exhausted and not very much ready to communicate as if nothing happened.
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LilMe
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« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2015, 10:20:29 PM »

Hugs to you! I can definitely relate. I was very hurt by something mean my uBPDh said today. I am usually able to not take it personally. He left for a while and I was left to wonder how long I would be painted black. Thankfully he was calm and I was not black when he returned. It is hard to accept this life at times! I try to focus on my children - protecting and supporting them and equipping them with tools and knowledge to deal with difficult people and not become difficult themselves. Glad you are here - this is a safe and supportive place.
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Turkish
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« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2015, 10:33:50 PM »

Hi sempervivum,

How do you deal with the feelings of injustice, anger and frustration? Do you tend to bottle those emotions to reduce conflict? How old are your children, and how are they dealing with this?

In addition to taking a look at the lessons to the right of this board, you will find many members here like LilMe can relate to your feelings and support you.

Welcome

Turkish
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sempervivum
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« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2015, 02:12:10 AM »

LiMe and Turkish, thank you for your welcome and response and for moving my post to the proper spot. 

When I reconsider my reactions form before I can say again I improved and matured. In first years of our marriage (24 in the meantime) I reacted with pure pain and surprise, with a lot of tears and some physical reactions (headache, stomachache, sweating, heartbeating and suffocating feeling in the chest area). I come from a family that had no such member so it was a new frightening world to me.

The very first time I spotted something wrong was when my husband (we were dating at that time) and me were on a weekend away from the town. We woke up, had breakfast in a hotel and agreed upon what are we going to do that day. We set nothing particular until lunch time but without saying a word my (then) boyfriend left the hotel and disappeared somewhere with a nervous look on his face as if he had to go somewhere to do something important.

Strange thing was that this was a very small resort place, so I saw him from the hotel window just walking around. It is not that I am for 24-hour being together and holding hands, but if someone wants to be alone for a while, then you say something. We were both close 30 then, so we left the teenage patterns behind us.

When he returned from his walk nothing was said. So this was a very benign event compared to many others that happened in later years but I did not recognize it as a red flag.

I must explain why I stayed with him. It is not for financial reasons (I work and earn moderately well) and not for playing a martyr. I admit I used to have some illusions before that things are going to change. Well, things did change, but not according to my expectations before I informed myself about BPD.

My staying was a result of weighing things in life. I honestly told myself that it was/is/will be difficult, but I stated I have enough strength and love for him - though he drives me and the kids crazy sometimes. He is a good person, he is a hurt person, he does his best in his circumstances and he learns to cope with his disorder. Though I must say he is a person that never openly stated: "Hey, there is something wrong with me." I think he is ashamed of it.

Our son is 22 and daughter 18. Their growing up was marked with his inner development. When our boy was small my husband was still extremely rigid so there was a lot of unhappiness. Anyway I talked a lot with my son, especially when he entered his teenage years. I even let him read some texts about such disorders. He understood everything, but since a boy´s growing demands finding freedom and independence, there are still some collisions between him and his father.

Our daughter grew in the shadow of these circumstances. In her childhood she was a "good girl", but somehow I knew things will change when she enters her teens. And they did! Now she is her father´s "enemy", not obeying and listening. We both as parents have the usual fears for the future of our children, but you can imagine that this is overemphasized with my husband. This results in her rebellion and things go round in circles.

How do I deal with my feelings that result from a "low" phase? In first moments I am very sad and hurt but it must be some immunity that I have, I recover more quickly, but I verbalize my feelings.

When he plays unjust I clearly state him I am angry. I know it would be best to react "by the book", but I am emotional and I tell him things like: "Not again. / Be reasonable." ... .or I throw a logical fact in his face when he says something illogical.

There are situations when I manage to react calmly, but it is not every time.

Last but not least - and from the heart: I like this forum. 
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Turkish
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« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2015, 03:28:56 PM »

Hi sempervivum,

How is it going today?

Your D is going through teenage rebellion. It's hard to say how much is "normal" and how much is triggered by her father's BPD behaviors. You are probably onto something that she is reacting from being split from "good" to "bad" child. All in all, she's a child, and is mirroring what your H views her as. You may benefit from taking a look at the Co-Parenting Board resources, especially Lesson 4 (see here). The articles that aren't related to a divorce situation, obviously, like this one:

The Power of Validating How Kids Feel

It's sad, but last year when our daughter was 2, her mom said, "I know I'm going to have trouble with her later."   

Turkish

Turkish
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sempervivum
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« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2015, 12:14:20 PM »

These days I am reading articles here, I find all so useful and feel almost "happy" to see how so many things correspond to my life. Yesterday I was off, because with a life with a BPDh and lot of reading I literally overdosed with this topic.   

My children are now in offended state, their father overreacted a while ago and they hardly speak to him. He stubbornly accused them of something they did not do, so they just answer him when asked something (with one syllable words. I feel frustrated because we act as normal family only when he is not around. This is not natural.

My youngsters are aware that their father is not normal, of course, they´d never call him crazy, I would strongly forbid that. They want to love him, but he does not let them. He wants 80 % obedience and (maybe) 20 % love. I keep telling them that in spite of his peculiarities he is their father and they have to respect him - and I admit this is very difficult task to fulfill because of his immature reactions. Even two of them appear more mature at moments.

I function as a mother through negotiating, diplomacy and boundaries. My h DID learn a bit of that through years, but one can almost snap the moment when it becomes too much for him, because he grew up in a disfunctional family. I will write about that soon, just to gather my thoughts. I know a lot of details from his childhood, but then a lot of them are missing.

Compared to some really drastical family situations, his one may sound not so bad, but to me it was. I do not want to sound too Freudian or mother-in-law-hating, but it is "blame it on the mother". She was and is incapable of real emotions, she tries hard to play a role of a mother and a grandmother, but is not convincible.

I will write later again ... .

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LilMe
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« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2015, 02:14:07 PM »

Your MIL sounds just like mine!  Their family 'looked' OK from the outside, but she drank a lot and was abusive when my uBPDh was a small child.  His earliest memories are of her chasing him while he was in total terror of her and being burned by cigarettes for bad behavior.  He gets totally thrown off kilter when she visits.  Luckily it is maybe once a year and she arrives in the evening, we go out to eat, she stays in a hotel, and leaves the next morning (I think just so she can brag to her friends that she visited her son and his family).

It sure is nice to have this board and know we are not alone!
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sempervivum
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« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2015, 04:14:51 PM »

Oh yes, these are the families that value the facade, the outside impression, the "what will people say?"  - and inside there must be order, work and discipline.

I come from a warm family, which was not ideal, but nothing was swept under the carpet. When you sweep under, it is bound to come out one day or the other, with lot of pain and it affects generations and innocent ones.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2015, 04:58:40 PM »

Welcome!

I am the non, and I too strongly believe my husband has BPD. He is in DBT, as his psychiatrist sent him there, and he's on meds, but according to my husband he was only told he has "traits" of BPD. He just can't or won't admit he's on a drug they prescribe for it, and in the leading T for it... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Probably like your husband, he has shame associated with thinking he has something, or thinks I'd hold it against him(he's sort of paranoid like that). I think it takes a stronger person to admit they are not perfect, and seek help. At least my husband did seek help.

As the non, I can relate to so much of what you posted, but I know I personally HATE IT, when BPDh says things like "here we go again" or "are you kidding me" or "seriously" or "you always do this". I'm the one living with his moods and dysregulations, so I find these things highly offensive, and not at all helpful. You certainly have a right to think these things(I think them too, A LOT), but I keep them to myself.

To ME, and I'm sure if you have BPD, which is an emotional regulation disorder, it's like waving a red flag, to make statements such as that. I'm not being critical, I'm just confirming what it sounds like you already know. I THINK a lot of things I don't say to BPDh, or I think of ways to say it that are least likely to set him off. John Gottman calls it a "soft approach", I think. If you haven't watched or read any of his stuff, he's amazing. He has some videos on youtube. He dealt with the science behind good marriages, not anything to do with BPD, but I still learned a lot from him.

It sounds like you have already learned so much of what to do, and what not to do, just from daily life with him. Remember, we all have slip ups, and sometimes our ability to do the right thing in every situation just fails us. We might "know", but sometimes we have low moments too, so we pay a price. We slip up, say or do something we know they'll take the wrong way, and it goes from there. I think as soon as we realize we "slipped" we have to try damage control, or give them time to cool off.

None of it is easy, and our attitude is crucial. I can't count on BPDh's attitude to be the same one minute to the next, so I have to really steady my own emotions and reactions. I never thought I'd have to be the calm, less emotional one. That's definitely not who I am, and it's taken a lot of self work to get to that place. It's still not my comfort zone though.

Hugs.
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Turkish
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Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2015, 04:59:33 PM »

Oh yes, these are the families that value the facade, the outside impression, the "what will people say?"  - and inside there must be order, work and discipline.

I come from a warm family, which was not ideal, but nothing was swept under the carpet. When you sweep under, it is bound to come out one day or the other, with lot of pain and it affects generations and innocent ones.

I've found this valuable to understand my Ex's family and the tendency for those kids to grow up in an invalidating environment where they are told how to feel either explicitly or implicitly.

PERSPECTIVES: Family systems--understanding the narcissistic family

You sound like you're the catalyst to stop the trend being passed on through your kids. You know you can't fix him, but you can work on yourself and how you present to your children.
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sempervivum
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« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2015, 08:20:54 AM »

You certainly have a right to think these things(I think them too, A LOT), but I keep them to myself.

... .

It sounds like you have already learned so much of what to do, and what not to do, just from daily life with him. Remember, we all have slip ups, and sometimes our ability to do the right thing in every situation just fails us. We might "know", but sometimes we have low moments too, so we pay a price. We slip up, say or do something we know they'll take the wrong way, and it goes from there. I think as soon as we realize we "slipped" we have to try damage control, or give them time to cool off.

Hello!

I agree with your points. You were right about the slip ups. Though I learned a lot, they happen.

If I turn back, I can see a huge way behind us, we achieved a lot. My h belonging to the group that "does not need" any therapy, made a great deal in his emotional development. And I did, too.

At the very beginning I was clueless and used to react immaturely: whenever there was his "attack", I was revengeful and I shot back (a figure of speech).

I do not do it any more, but I still feel the urge for verbal revenge. When it slips, it is usually in moments when I am caught by surprise.



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sempervivum
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« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2015, 08:46:58 AM »

I've found this valuable to understand my Ex's family and the tendency for those kids to grow up in an invalidating environment where they are told how to feel either explicitly or implicitly.

PERSPECTIVES: Family systems--understanding the narcissistic family

You sound like you're the catalyst to stop the trend being passed on through your kids. You know you can't fix him, but you can work on yourself and how you present to your children.

My husband´s family was a new world to me. It was the form that mattered not the content. It was duty and work, fun was just a little spice, so that the kids don´t get spoiled!

Example: there were no presents for Christmas, birthdays were unknown phenomenon, anniversary even less. What was important was the performance of domestic work and appearance of the house, where people had to be careul not to drop crumbs or change something.

I am not for extreme spending at all and my family was even modest, but when you celebrote something, you do it to show how the person is important to you.

So, I will certainly not let my children be brought up so spartan. In fact I did not, considering their age.

They know the value of money, but they should know the value of love within the family.

I gave up hope of ever celebrating anniversary, but I insist of birthdays, though my h nags if that catches him during his dark phase.

And there are vacations - can you believe that he (we) did not have vacation together for ages. He lets himself be exploited in his company, just because he believes they cannot do without him and the work will not be properly done. At the same time he is sorry for himself to be a scapegoat. In the last three years he did not get (or agreed, whatever) more than 3 free days in one piece. He has abnormaly high demands for himself - looks for approval and respect.

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