Should I give in to reduce summer week with D7 for new uBPDxw family plans?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I am recently divorced from uBPDxw, so this is the first shared summer. D7 lives with uBPDxw over an hour away in another town.

I have planned for this week (2 of 2) to have D7 with me for the full week. D7 called twice tonight telling me I am selfish for taking time from her and her uBPDm, and missing an upcoming family trip with other family. Usually D7 is pretty darn sweet. Any hint of this family trip is very recent.

School starts soon for D7, so switching time is not an option, although I'd be up for it. My accommodations will always be one way: I lose parenting time without makeup time. I know it is unrealistic to expect to horse-trade in all cases, and unhealthy to account for every minute. But then there are boundaries that keep me sane and necessary time to simply have time to be a dad.

Any thoughts on the subject?

[forestfortrees]

Hi all,

I am recently divorced from uBPDxw, so this is the first shared summer. D7 lives with uBPDxw over an hour away in another town.

I have planned for this week (2 of 2) to have D7 with me for the full week. D7 called twice tonight telling me I am selfish for taking time from her and her uBPDm, and missing an upcoming family trip with other family. Usually D7 is pretty darn sweet. Any hint of this family trip is very recent.

School starts soon for D7, so switching time is not an option, although I'd be up for it. My accommodations will always be one way: I lose parenting time without makeup time. I know it is unrealistic to expect to horse-trade in all cases, and unhealthy to account for every minute. But then there are boundaries that keep me sane and necessary time to simply have time to be a dad.

Any thoughts on the subject?

[Panda39]

Take the time you already have planned with your daughter. Do not give up your visitation. It isn't up to a 7 year old to decide visitation, the court has already decided. (Mom has is putting D7 in the middle  )

I probably sound cynical but it seems to me the timing of mom's surprise family visit it a little too convenient (if there really is a family visit).  My SO's uBPDxw would try this stuff too in order to cut into dad's time with the kids. 

Always the question in the back of your mind should be what is in the best interest of your daughter.  More time with mom (who she already lives with and sees daily) and her family? Or vacation with her dad (who she doesn't live with)?  I say dad 

[Nope]

If you let this sabotage work even once then you can expect this to happen every time. And you wouldn't be doing D7 any favors. Because you'd be teaching BPDex that sticking the poor kid in the middle and making her not look forward to time with you works. So that is what she'll do.

My DH's BPDex used to pull this. DH used to only have the kids six weeks during the summer and every other major holiday. Beyond that he wouldn't see them for months at a time as they lived out of state. When SD12 was six, her mom signed her up for girl scout camp for a week in the middle of DH's six weeks. She said there were no other sessions and SD shouldn't have to miss out. She put the six year old on the phone on speaker phone and had SD complain to her dad about how it wasn't fair that she couldn't go because she'd be out of state with him and BPDex was iin the background telling him that he was being selfish and that he needed to let his daughter be a child and not take good things away from her.

DH stood firm through the onslaught. The kids came for their whole six weeks. BPDex was able to sign SD up for a different weekend not on dad's time. And it was another four years before BPDmom tried anything like that tactic again.

[forestfortrees]

Panda39/Nope - Thank you very much for the feedback. I really appreciate it. There are times I really feel like I am an island. Bouncing this off all of you is so important. Even talking to my family is not like talking to someone who's dealt with this kind of situation. It's also good to hear back from non-dads.

I have to tell myself that D is with her Mom the grand majority of the time. I still have to un-brainwash myself so I can be a Dad again. 

[Eco]

If you let this sabotage work even once then you can expect this to happen every time.

I agree 100%, same thing happened with me and after I stood firm the attacks on my time are less frequent.

And you wouldn't be doing D7 any favors. Because you'd be teaching BPDex that sticking the poor kid in the middle and making her not look forward to time with you works. So that is what she'll do.

Exactly! I believe that it would be teaching your daughter that laying guilt trips is a way to get what she wants.

Always the question in the back of your mind should be what is in the best interest of your daughter.  More time with mom (who she already lives with and sees daily) and her family? Or vacation with her dad (who she doesn't live with)?  I say dad  smiley

Very good advice.

School starts soon for D7, so switching time is not an option, although I'd be up for it. My accommodations will always be one way: I lose parenting time without makeup time. I know it is unrealistic to expect to horse-trade in all cases, and unhealthy to account for every minute. But then there are boundaries that keep me sane and necessary time to simply have time to be a dad.

Its the exact same thing with me there is no make up time if I miss my time with my daughter, ex wont allow it. Im about to go back to court to try and change that. In the beginning I was very flexible with my ex and it always cost me my time, now I try and get every minute of my time because if I give my ex an inch she takes a mile or 10.

Time with the non primary parent is extremely important and valuable to the child and parent in my opinion, it shouldn't be messed with unless its a emergency.

I have to tell myself that D is with her Mom the grand majority of the time. I still have to un-brainwash myself so I can be a Dad again. 

Its hard to get out of the F.O.G while dealing with this disorder, I try to think of whats best for my daughter. It usually clears the FOG quickly. I think its the lowest tactic to use when kids are brought in as tools by the BPD/NPD exs :'( 

[ForeverDad]

Additional thoughts... .I didn't hear any statement about ex offering a trade with alternate makeup dates.  (After all, it sounds like you only get 2 measly weeks in the summer, 2 out of maybe 11 summer weeks!)  Rather than Gift Away time, you can give consideration to traded time, being careful not to get trapped into a losy or weak deal.  However, trades have their own risks, you may need to get your changed time first.  In the early days of my separation and divorce I recall when my ex asked to trade time, ignored my efforts to document the trade, took her time then I never got the second half of the trade.  Nearly a decade has passed, the tables are switched and it's not much of an issue anymore.  But I did have to take a stand as the others noted.  Being reasonable, cooperative, guilted and compliant invites, encourages and enables more attempts.  Best to set your Boundaries early on.

Also when I did trade, I noticed that problems resulting from such trades somehow never got addressed in court.  If you stick with the order and are reasonable about it, then you'd have the Court's Authority on your side.  You ex may try to guilt, obligate and pressure but you would be in a relatively strong position by sticking to the order.  Understand that your disordered ex will not see you as any authority, so don't cave and Gift Away any authority the court does assign to you.