What now?

[takingandsending]

Wife and I had an MC session this weekend for the first time in 2 weeks. She recently came back from a trip to Hawaii, where she spent up most of our savings on beauty products ... .after we had discussed and agreed that her discretionary spending limit for the year was the trip, the conference and nothing else. Basically, I had asserted the boundary that if she wanted to spend more on her self-help or business, she had to make money to do it, as we have been steadily losing household money (despite my income increasing) for the past 2.5 years.

I have been more or less considering the costs and impacts of divorce for the last 2 months. Her choices have accelerated that process, so I went into MC not certain of what I wanted to say or hear, at this point. Laying caution to the winds, I chose to be outspoken, not blaming (as best I could), but simply saying that I am no longer willing to carry the responsibility of the relationship or what my wife feels at any given moment. Our MC facilitated pretty well so that my language stayed on track. My wife continued to assert that we never have time together to build our RS, that I am carrying a backlog of hurts, etc. I stayed where  I was, saying that I was done accepting the no time together argument, that I have present hurts and don't really care about past ones, that I am done being enmeshed and staying with my own feelings, that I felt betrayed by her recent decisions, and that I did not drive her to feel the way that she feels that led to her, in my opinion, callous disregard of her family. I am tired of her choosing herself over us. Period.

So, now the pull cycle begins. Later that evening, we talked, agreeing that we would used shared language to communicate when we were heading for escalation and choosing whether to take a break or try to repair. It was one of the better talks that we have had. My wife even broached the fact that we have no sexual intimacy in our RS and haven't, with the exception of conceiving two kids, throughout our marriage. It was interesting. She put all the words in my mouth of how she feels about herself - "I am disgusted with her, revolted by her, want nothing to do with her." I said that I do not accept those words and not to speak for me. I can see how she may feel that way, but that she should ask me if she wants to know how I feel about her. It felt like she was fishing, or maybe it was my own perverse attraction to a woman with low self image. I don't know. I could definitely feel the pull taking place, though, and chose to not follow it. It was a decent discussion, but I am left with this pervading question of "what now?"

Where do you go after 16 years of marriage with no real health or healing in sight? I know that the answer is continue to get myself healthy. But do I want to do it in this relationship? Two kids in the mix. Nothing but a lot of uncertainty in sight.

Thoughts out there? What do you do when you are in the pull? How do you respond without shutting off?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[satahal]

Hi T&S,

I'm really new here so take me with a huge grain of salt.

I wonder what you're getting out of the r/s? Why do you stay? I only ask because for me it's the balance of the good to the bad that keeps me from ending it. The good is compelling and the damage that ending it will cause is daunting for me.

Also, in my experience I can only get so healthy in the context of constant chaos and boundary violations and unhappiness - I make strides and then another storm blows in.

[takingandsending]

I wonder what you're getting out of the r/s? Why do you stay?

That is the question I have been asking myself.

[takingandsending]

Oops. No idea what happened with that last post. 

1. I do love my wife. But I am long past any idealization.

2. My wife is creative and helps with out of the box problem solving.

2. We have a S9 and S4. I am very concerned about their welfare, both if I stay or if I leave.

3. Divorce would definitely cause financial hardship on all of us - with me and the kids bearing probably the worst of it.

4. My wife does contribute a lot to keeping the household running.

5. We do share a spiritual practice that means a lot to me, although lately we have less common or shared experience.

6. She appreciates my sense of humor.

7. She has the capacity for great understanding, compassion and generosity. And the opposite. I get mostly the opposite nowadays.

I would say, overall, that we are more roommates than a couple. Sometimes, we can talk about things and maintain positive regard for each other. Mostly, she wants to talk about herself, her healing, her business, her journey, etc. I find that I have less and less to say to her as time passes. I think what I am living is that the bids I used to make for connection with me that went unmet I now make for my family (sons and me) and they also go unmet. I don't know where to go from this point. I don't want push; I don't want pull. I just want connection that can be met, sustained and grown. Not sure it is possible.

[formflier]

 

If she is bringing up no sexual intimacy... .and has identified that as an issue.  Is she willing to work on that?

I'm proud that you stood up and stayed on message.

The way to handle the pull... .is to stay the course.  Don't swing way over to the "together" side... .and if she starts pushing... don't swing way over to the apart side.

They do push pull... .because it works for them. 

Make choices that work for you.

I'm not totally up on your story... .but I'm getting the vibe that you are at the point where it is going to get "healthier" or else... .correct?

Can you set boundaries on money... ?  Give her access to so much... .and that is the end of it.

FF

[takingandsending]

FF,

She has been decent about money in the past, but the ground has changed over the past couple of years. Yes, I am working toward all money going into my account that I just opened and then I will transfer into our joint account based on budget. Work in progress, but I know what I have to do.

I am less certain about the "or else". I don't want my kids to suffer. I am reading on the "Co-parenting ... ." board to understand how I can best help them. I know that modeling this RS is not helpful to them (or me) right now. But I no longer tolerate the verbal abuse that was going on for so long. So, they are participants in an unhealthy family but not an abusive family.

My kids see me using the communication tools, maintaining an even keel, having boundaries around tolerant, respectful speech. But it takes my energy. They don't see a father who does enough for himself, that is clear about what he needs. That isn't helpful. They do when I have them by myself when my wife is out of the house. Again, not helpful. They are aware that there are rules for when mom is in the house and rules for when she is not. Not at all helpful to them.

I think the real snapshot is the way my wife and I avoid talking about any areas where we disagree, because we have no basis for actually reaching agreement. During our talk, FF, wife mentioned several times what I was feeling about her. Each time, I told her that I am responsible for what I feel and that she can ask me if she wants to know. Otherwise, we are talking about what she is feels I am thinking about her. I am not sure what my value is here, but I know this is a strong boundary need for me. I don't want anything less. I felt the push at that point, as she broke eye contact and said, "You know I am sensitive. I feel things, like when I am feeling completely one way and then you enter the house, and I feel a sudden panic. I know that's not just me." This is the point we, as a couple cannot cross ... .until she takes responsibility for her feelings and stops putting them on me. This is why we never reach agreements on things like:

1. budget

2. children's screen time

3. how we respond to children's requests for something out of the routine

4. how/where/when vacation time should be spent

5. household chores

6. how we celebrate holidays

7. activities that we can do together

8. how to provide supportive structure for kids

The list goes on and on. Basically, all of our discussions on things, unless we are in full agreement, end up in limbo. I can offer compromises, possible solutions, non-violent communication, but she inevitably retreats into her feelings, and nothing gets resolved. Patterning this for the kids is terrible.

I feel like I am running on empty. I do need to recharge my batteries. I am heading back to my family support group this weekend, and I am going to start looking for another T that I can see for myself on weekends. I just am feeling a bit stuck in a slightly better less bumpy track than I was, but not going any closer to where I want to be.

[formflier]

We have very similar things going on in my house... .the severity of some seem different... .but I could have written most of this... .

And... .I want to be clear... .things are much better... .we were in a really bad place for a while.  Things are improving still... .I have hope for the future. 

It is slow work...

  Patterning this for the kids is terrible.

Yes it is... .so don't pattern it for them.

Your wife is in charge of what she patterns for them... .don't protect her from consequences of her actions... .

I totally... .totally agree with you about your wife needing to take ownership of her feelings. 

I have similar discussions with my wife all the time about me speaking for my feelings... and she can speak for hers... .but I can't force her to stop... .but I do stop the discussion... .and let consequences happen... no rescuing.

The more important thing is that when your wife tries to give her feelings away... .that you don't take them. 

Thoughts?

Hang in there... it's tough stuff... .it's good that you guys are having these talks... .keep the communication flowing.

FF

[takingandsending]

  Patterning this for the kids is terrible.

Yes it is... .so don't pattern it for them.

FF - What do you do here? For example, I want to take the kids to an activity. I tell them I want to do xyz with you tomorrow, but I have to let mom know. I discuss with my wife who mentions abc. We try to reach agreement: abc, xyz or something different. Here's how it plays out in my house in the past: 1) I agree to abc. I communicate abc to kids. She wakes up, has various sleep issue or headache or just doesn't feel like doing abc. She won't let go of abc, but let's none of us know when or if it is going to happen. If it doesn't, she says, well they have to get used to processing disappointment. I could have done xyz but we are in the land of no decision. 2) I choose to do xyz with kids and don't communicate and deal with the escalation when wife finds out. 3) We can't reach a decision so nothing is decided, I lose patience, and let kids know that we are doing nothing because mom and I couldn't reach a decision. 4) I agree to abc, we do abc as planned. 5) My wife reluctantly agrees to xyz, comes along and complains about xyz much of the time, so kids might have fun but I am miserable or ignore her and enjoy as much as I can with my kids.

You get the picture. Can I make this work, sort of? Yes. Is it truly workable in the long term? No. For the record, I usually choose option 2 these days because I can handle her dysregulation better than actually trying to reach agreements with her. And truly, this can be about anything. A recent one that comes to mind was trying to help S9 complete his very first class project for third grade. I caught so much flack for things I did and choices I made without her agreement, but if I hadn't done, he never would have finished on time. I hate it. I hate living like this. When she was gone for a week, it was like paradise for me and the boys. This is an old pattern in my FOO - I refer to it as the tyranny of the weak. What do you do to make that work for you?

[formflier]

 

Hehe... .I could have written most of that... .

I'll try to thin about some good advice... .but I roll with it the best I can.

Many times... .I just do it...

So... .I bring something up... .if she can't decide... .I do what I want.  Yep... .I get "accused" of not listening to her... .but she had a chance to decide... .and didn't.  I don't rescue her from bad feelings if she doesn't decide... .and don't listen to complaints much.

More later

FF

[takingandsending]

Okay, FF, but when you do, please explain to me how you are not patterning something for your kids. Cause I know I am patterning as best I can, but it still looks kind of like sh-t when all is said and done.

[vortex of confusion]

I have wrestled with some of these same issues.

About having different rules when mom is home versus when she isn't. . .I have gone back and forth about this. I actually think that this is okay because it sends the message that everybody is different. Mom and dad are two very different people and behave very differently. Yes, things are different when my husband is home. I have come to embrace it as, ":)ad has his preferences. That is who he is." It is finding a way to be on the same team with the other parent without putting him/her down. My husband used to tell the kids horrible things about me. If I was laying down taking a nap, he would tell the kids, ":)on't wake up your mom. She is going to get mad, blah, blah, blah." The kids would wake me up and I wouldn't get mad. At some point, I told him, "Hey, it might be more helpful if you didn't say stuff like that. If you don't want the kids to wake me up, pose it as 'hey, don't wake mom up, she is tired and needs to sleep.'" The kids respond so much better to stuff like that. I try to frame the differences as being mindful of those around you without making it sound like you have to walk on eggshells. It is a balancing act.

If you want to take the kids to an activity, bring it up with your wife well in advance without bringing it up to the kids. Give her some time to stew on it. Also give her a deadline. Tell her that you need an answer by X time so you can make plans. After the time has passed, tell the kids and make your plans. Try to include her as best you can while still be willing to do what FF suggests and just do your thing with the kids and let the chips fall where they may.

[formflier]

Okay, FF, but when you do, please explain to me how you are not patterning something for your kids. Cause I know I am patterning as best I can, but it still looks kind of like sh-t when all is said and done.

Don't confuse your pattern... .with your wife's... .

Mine looks better... .still much to be desired.

Listen... .you wife can change her mind... .flip out... .do whatever.  You and your kids have made plans... .GO!  Do them... .

Now... .please do keep your eyes open and try to be reasonable... .so... .if for real a catastrophe happened... .then change.

If your wife is making a big deal out of something minor... .go ahead with your plans... .

FF

[formflier]

It is finding a way to be on the same team with the other parent without putting him/her down.

Well said... .deserves to be in bold!

Spouses tend to be able to tell when you are trying to build a bridge to them... .or put up a wall.

Yes... .boundaries can look like walls.  But... .if you gave them a chance... .they didn't decide... .go ahead and live your life.  Focus the follow up discussion on what you can do together in the future... don't participate in twisting the past.

The reaching out... the telling the other parent before the kids... .is building a bridge to them.

FF

[takingandsending]

If you want to take the kids to an activity, bring it up with your wife well in advance without bringing it up to the kids. Give her some time to stew on it. Also give her a deadline. Tell her that you need an answer by X time so you can make plans. After the time has passed, tell the kids and make your plans. Try to include her as best you can while still be willing to do what FF suggests and just do your thing with the kids and let the chips fall where they may.

The reaching out... the telling the other parent before the kids... .is building a bridge to them.

VOC, FF

Giving her time to stew on things, reach a decision only leaves me feeling anxious. She typically does not respond to my attempts to include her. After a couple days, if I bring it up again, she gets defensive/snaps at me. If I place a deadline on the discussion process, she digs in and resists. Basically, unless it is something she is on board with, she is an unwilling participant and let's me know that in all sorts of passive aggressive ways. My approach now is to do what I do and let the chips fall where they may. But the notion of bridge building is a fantasy in my experience. I have tried SET but not DEARMAN or PUVAS. Maybe they are better when there is something that I actually want. Any thoughts out there?

Can you both (or anyone out there) share an example of where you have actually had success in getting your BPD partner to reach a negotiated agreement with you without resentment and meeting each partner's needs, particularly where you may not agree? Because, what I am experiencing is that my wife and I can stop escalating disagreements but we come no closer to reaching any type of agreements.

Thanks

[takingandsending]

I know that it helps getting to what the pwBPD is feeling. With the kids, I suppose my wife wants to feel like she is an excellent, competent, wise parent who knows what her children need (I think she wants to feel this more than actually meeting their needs). She feels threatened by any ideas that originate from me. First reaction is to be dismissive. Next is to be defensive. Last resort is to be a victim because I make my own choices. Now, take away the kids and plug in any number of other scenarios, and you get the picture. She wants to be in control of everything, be recognized for her wisdom, creativity and resourcefulness. She isn't so interested in things being completed or needs being met. Her need for assurance about her value is the well that cannot be filled, but which she desperately longs for being filled. This is not my problem. How to move on? 

[satahal]

Sorry you're struggling - it's extraordinarily hard to co-parent with someone like this. Your wife reminds me of my ex-husband who had NPD -- he wanted to be the wise, adored, and primary parent - there was constant jockeying for control, conflict over every rule with the kids - a nightmare. Like you even agreeing and doing it his way didn't yield any better results.

Can you both (or anyone out there) share an example of where you have actually had success in getting your BPD partner to reach a negotiated agreement with you without resentment and meeting each partner's needs, particularly where you may not agree?

With my current partner who has BPD - the only thing that works in getting to an agreement is getting to a place where I'm ending the relationship - I don't pretend to be there to get him to change but that's how it has played out.

I explain, without emotion, that I'm not happy and I can't live this way - with the specifics that are deal breaking i.e. his constant jealousy over my clients, his drinking, his bad moods, etc. I don't put it in terms of right or wrong - just that I have to be happy and I can't live with the level of discord. Then, he invariably comes to me with changes or asks me for specific changes/boundaries that would enable me to continue with him.

For a while it's great, then he backslides, but usually something or things stick. So, overtime I have more boundaries observed than ever - however, it's still an awful lot of work taking care of this r/s. and I don't know that I can continue - nothing fixes it to what in my mind is an acceptable degree.

With activities and plans - my BPD is like a kid. He needs advance notice. He has ruined more things than I can count with his ambivalence and refusal to make a decision. Now, I tell him, "x is happening and I'd love for you to join us but we're going either way" and we do.

Your wife, however, sounds like she doesn't respond to boundaries so well. With my NPDex after trying everything, I realized it was about power and control and nothing I could do was going to help. It may not be the case for you but for me I came to see we weren't two people operating in good faith - he didn't really want to come to a mutually comfortable decision on anything. He was operating from some primal fears and so no conversation or aha moment was going to get us to a better place. I tried it all believe me.

We divorced - my son got an entirely different lifestyle at his dad's house half of the month. It was rough for him but he adjusted. The rules were different with different people - just like rules are different at the grandparent's house or school for that matter. Ultimately, when my son was old enough to be heard by a judge he choose to live in my home full-time.

Would your wife be receptive to alternating who chooses weekend plans? So on her weekend she chooses and she can flake out or whatever. Similarly, would you both be comfortable giving her the last word on certain decisions - like Mom's in charge of tv time and dad's in charge of something else?

The other thing that struck me with your wife is that maybe she needs more validating - which I'm no expert on - but when she says "You think I'm disgusting" instead of correcting her for naming your feelings, how would she respond if you validated, ie."It must feel horrible to think your husband is disgusted by you"?

[takingandsending]

Sorry you're struggling - it's extraordinarily hard to co-parent with someone like this.

Thank you. That feels good to read, even when I know that it is not just me. I hate that my sons get cheated because of our inabilities to co-parent. My S9 today asked why we couldn't just go to the store to replenish snack food for the week (we are currently eeking out food supplies until Friday/pay day to manage her spending spree when she was on her writer's conference in Hawaii), and it took every ounce of restraint to not make her wrong, to say, mom was lonely, she bought things that she didn't need because she wanted to feel better, we all make mistakes in our life, we all do things we aren't proud of.

The other thing that struck me with your wife is that maybe she needs more validating - which I'm no expert on - but when she says "You think I'm disgusting" instead of correcting her for naming your feelings, how would she respond if you validated, ie."It must feel horrible to think your husband is disgusted by you"?

You are right. She needs more validating. But I have my limits. I am realizing that I have a pretty strong value around not having words put into my mouth. I suppose it is two-fold: my feelings are important, and I am not responsible for how someone else feels. I don't like people feeling responsible for my feelings. I think that is unfair. It's pretty central to who I am. I recognize that validating her is not invalidating myself, but that is not something that I have unraveled on a practical day to day level. Her projection hits my boundaries, so validation is not on my mind in the moment that happens. Not sure how to get around that, other than by keeping my boundary and communicating it consistently. I would have a lot easier time validating her feelings if she was not projecting them as mine.

[satahal]

But I have my limits. I am realizing that I have a pretty strong value around not having words put into my mouth. I suppose it is two-fold: my feelings are important, and I am not responsible for how someone else feels.

Your feelings are important and it's offensive and onerous to validate a person who's violating your boundaries - at least for me. I'm still trying to figure this all out with my current BPD partner - the projection makes me nuts. He also thinks I'm repulsed by him and that he's ugly, etc. I've gotten so tired of reassuring him. Now, I try to stay calm and tell him, "This seems to come up a lot for you. I've tried to reassure you over the years but that hasn't changed your feelings. I think this is about something else that has nothing to do with me. You might talk to your therapist about it." I feel like I've tried a lot of approaches and for him this one seemed to register. At least now he acknowledges these are his feelings and not coming from me.

I think the place we, as nons, may need to get to (and I've read here that some folks have arrived there) is where we have some distance, where the accusations and projections are seen as the raw emotions of an impaired individual. I'm not there yet - I feel defensive. I feel angry - often.

The money thing is tough - I think I read that you're working to separate out your income so that you can budget what's available to her - seems logical. BPDs can be impulsive with money and in my experience this doesn't get any better. Just today I found out my partner opened a home equity line (who knows when) and he's delinquent on his payment. Very thankful it's not a joint account.

I spend a lot of time putting systems in place - systems for his financial impulsiveness, moods, indecisiveness, etc. Not sure if this is the right way to do it but it's damage control and keeps the chaos down.

[takingandsending]

I think the place we, as nons, may need to get to (and I've read here that some folks have arrived there) is where we have some distance, where the accusations and projections are seen as the raw emotions of an impaired individual. I'm not there yet - I feel defensive. I feel angry - often.

I don't take accusations about my actions or self personally anymore (like "You are uncaring, you are insensitive, you are selfish.". I do see that all of that comes through the filters of disordered thinking. But the projections of what I am feeling about her, about her work, about who she is do still get to me. I think I have another layer of defensiveness that I need to resolve. Truthfully, I am disgusted and frustrated with my wife at times, and I have a hard time accepting that I do have judgments about her. I don't know how much of it is her projection or my feelings. I am incredibly enmeshed in this one area. I have worked really hard to disentangle, but my feelings for my wife still feel sticky, tangled and upsetting. Does any of that make sense? I know that I am judging myself harshly for having resentment, for being disappointed, for not accepting what is. I have more work to do. I just feel a little lost with how to get there. Definitely a lot of FOO issues.

It's sort of like having driven through the valley, steeped in FOG, come out to higher ground, but still see the FOG that is around and not yet dissipating in the light of the sun, knowing that I may yet drive into more patches of it. Every time I think that I am out of the FOG, a new patch shows up.

[vortex of confusion]

I think I have another layer of defensiveness that I need to resolve. Truthfully, I am disgusted and frustrated with my wife at times, and I have a hard time accepting that I do have judgments about her. I don't know how much of it is her projection or my feelings. I am incredibly enmeshed in this one area. I have worked really hard to disentangle, but my feelings for my wife still feel sticky, tangled and upsetting. Does any of that make sense? I know that I am judging myself harshly for having resentment, for being disappointed, for not accepting what is. I have more work to do. I just feel a little lost with how to get there.

This stood out to me. I have been there and it is a very uncomfortable place to be.

The first thing to is to allow yourself to feel those icky feelings. It isn't easy. At least it wasn't for me. I found myself wondering, "How the heck can have such ugly feelings about the person that I married? How the heck can I have such icky feelings about the father of my children?" I would feel guilty for having those feelings because it didn't feel right. Now, I openly admit to myself that I have icky feelings about my husband.

When he starts throwing stuff out there trying to tell me how I feel, I can respond with things, like, "you know what, you do sometimes annoy me. Sometimes, I don't even like you. But, I love you and I choose to be with you. These feelings that I am having about you are uncomfortable but I know they will pass." He has seen my icky feelings and tried to talk about them but I denied them and dismissed them as him projecting them on to me. I had to get real with myself before I could figure out what the heck was my feelings and what the heck was his crap.

It isn't easy that is for sure!

[takingandsending]

Thanks, VOC. Radical acceptance includes our stuff, too, including the parts of me that I don't like that much. Did you find, after you became more comfortable in your skin, that validation for your H came any easier? Based on your example, it seems that you have found a balance, which is more than I can say for myself right now. I do feel crummy about not validating my wife more readily. It's only like she has been asking for this for the last 9.5 years or so. 

Seriously, everyone deserves loving kindness, and I do feel guilty about my feelings sometimes, when they don't meet that level of kindness. My belief is that we all suffer from some level of confusion and struggle in life (animals and humans alike), so it's unfair to judge one better than another, one further on the path than another. But the reality of living with someone with disordered thinking is that you have to make distinctions, and I feel as a father that I definitely have to step in more than I am comfortable doing to advocate for my kids. Now, as a person who is being fiscally responsible, I have to step in more than I had wanted. And so on. I suppose I am just needing some validation of my own right now to come back to center.

Anyway, I appreciate very much your (everyone's) kind thoughts. 

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks, VOC. Radical acceptance includes our stuff, too, including the parts of me that I don't like that much. Did you find, after you became more comfortable in your skin, that validation for your H came any easier? Based on your example, it seems that you have found a balance, which is more than I can say for myself right now. I do feel crummy about not validating my wife more readily. It's only like she has been asking for this for the last 9.5 years or so. 

That balance comes and goes!  I still struggle with validating my husband. What I do think that I have down is not invalidating. There are some things that I still can't seem to figure out how to validate and I am okay with that. And, I think something else that helps is to work on creating a more validating environment across the board. It is looking for opportunities to say nice things to your partner. It is slowing down when you talk so that you can choose your words more carefully.

My husband and I had a nice conversation last night that did not involve any kind of push/pull and there wasn't really any defensive on either of our parts. When I knew I was going to be saying some hard things, I would let him know that I had some things that I wasn't sure how to communicate because, to me, they felt mean. If he said something that I didn't understand or didn't agree with, I would ask clarifying questions. It was really nice. (The night before, he was rattling on about anything and everything and wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. That night, I just sat there and listened and smiled and nodded and didn't do much but listen.) Each night, I tried to carefully gauge the situation and act accordingly.

Seriously, everyone deserves loving kindness, and I do feel guilty about my feelings sometimes, when they don't meet that level of kindness. My belief is that we all suffer from some level of confusion and struggle in life (animals and humans alike), so it's unfair to judge one better than another, one further on the path than another. But the reality of living with someone with disordered thinking is that you have to make distinctions, and I feel as a father that I definitely have to step in more than I am comfortable doing to advocate for my kids. Now, as a person who is being fiscally responsible, I have to step in more than I had wanted. And so on. I suppose I am just needing some validation of my own right now to come back to center.

One of the distinctions that I find it very helpful to make is that feelings do NOT equal facts. The other is that it is okay to feel whatever the heck I might be feeling at any specific moment. What is NOT okay is to act on those feelings. If I am feeling icky feelings towards my husband, that is okay as long as I don't act icky towards him.

And yes, I need validation. It stinks to admit that but I am not super woman. I am an ordinary human being that has all sorts of emotions and feelings. I screw up from time to time and that is okay. The person that I need to focus on being more kind to is myself. I have been so focused on being kind to my spouse and my kids and everybody else in the world that I wasn't being kind to myself. I am still working on that and am not sure that I will ever truly figure out what it really means to be kind to myself. It is a work in progress.