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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: She comes back tomorrow.  (Read 707 times)
Cat Familiar
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« Reply #30 on: July 23, 2015, 03:02:29 PM »

I really think that she views life as a constant frustrating struggle, and others that don't have that struggle infuriate her because it feels invalidating - like she is the only one with the problem.  That feels hopeless to me, because it says just me being happy and not dependent on her is enough for her to paint me black.

And she is a teacher? That, to me, is frightening--that she would be indoctrinating impressionable children with her world view. I hope she can separate out her personal issues from her professional conduct.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Verbena
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« Reply #31 on: July 23, 2015, 03:26:34 PM »

Cat Familiar,  it's a messed up world when a school district can hire someone who has recently been removed from the home by police for domestic violence, attempted suicide, is profane and verbally abusive, and labeled by the state as "seriously mentally ill" without legally being able to know any of this information.  

I don't believe Max's wife  will make it through the first six-weeks of school IF she is even able to start the school year.  I feel sad for her that she has so much trouble keeping a job, but it is honestly a good thing for the school that hired her.  She should not be around children in my opinion.  

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maxsterling
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« Reply #32 on: July 24, 2015, 12:49:15 AM »

Yep, a teacher.  Where I live, they are desperate for teachers.  If they paid teachers more, you would have more of a demand for the profession, and wind up with higher quality educators.  That's not a judgement of my wife's teaching abilities - but on paper, she hasn't lasted at any job longer than a year, suicide attempts in her background, many hospitalizations and mental illness diagnoses.  But then again, there are privacy laws, and anything she has ever done that would be considered "criminal" she has never been charged with. 

I had an ex-girlfriend who was also a teacher.  She taught at mostly charter and alternative schools, so away from the public-school radar.  She was a HUGE pothead and alcoholic, as were many of her teacher friends.  She wound up being let go because too many parents complained about her.  One complaint was that she made sexual remarks to her 5th grade students.  So, she moved away, got a job in another school out of town, and was let go when she got arrested for domestic violence.  A year of probation, and her record was cleared, and now she is teaching again.  First grade. 

So how long will my wife last at this job?  Her track record is less than 3 months.  Some interesting things she has said to me during times of emotional distress and brutal honesty - that she has never hit a kid (yes, she actually told me this), but she has yelled enough to make a kid cry.  That's quite telling. 
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Verbena
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« Reply #33 on: July 24, 2015, 12:48:59 PM »

Yep, a teacher.  Where I live, they are desperate for teachers.  If they paid teachers more, you would have more of a demand for the profession, and wind up with higher quality educators.  That's not a judgement of my wife's teaching abilities - but on paper, she hasn't lasted at any job longer than a year, suicide attempts in her background, many hospitalizations and mental illness diagnoses.  But then again, there are privacy laws, and anything she has ever done that would be considered "criminal" she has never been charged with. 

I had an ex-girlfriend who was also a teacher.  She taught at mostly charter and alternative schools, so away from the public-school radar.  She was a HUGE pothead and alcoholic, as were many of her teacher friends.  She wound up being let go because too many parents complained about her.  One complaint was that she made sexual remarks to her 5th grade students.  So, she moved away, got a job in another school out of town, and was let go when she got arrested for domestic violence.  A year of probation, and her record was cleared, and now she is teaching again.  First grade. 

So how long will my wife last at this job?  Her track record is less than 3 months.  Some interesting things she has said to me during times of emotional distress and brutal honesty - that she has never hit a kid (yes, she actually told me this), but she has yelled enough to make a kid cry.  That's quite telling. 

This is just the saddest thing ever.  As a former teacher, it breaks my heart that children are exposed to teachers like this.  WE are charged to protect "the least of these" and we are failing to do that way too often. 

I really hope, Max, for the sake of the children who will be in your wife's class that they won't be exposed to her at all, that she will quit before school even starts. 

I know she needs a job and it is admirable that she went out and found one.  She may be a good teacher in some ways.  I feel bad for that she cannot hold a job.  But the truth is that she is not a person who should be allowed around children.  She does so much damage to everyone she encounters.  Children should be protected from this. 
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maxsterling
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« Reply #34 on: July 24, 2015, 01:33:51 PM »

She's actually okay with younger students, and definitely dedicated to actually doing a good job "teaching".  When she was dealing with 12-14 year-olds, she was constantly frustrated with them.  The alarming thing there was that I could see her actually painting her older students black.  I think she is pretty good at not letting the rage get the best of her in the classroom, but her attitude with the older students was probably destructive.  It seems like her big issues are with other teachers and administration.  I don't see the same potential of my wife for being completely inappropriate like that ex of mine was.  Another thing about that ex - at one time some 13-year old kids in her school got busted for selling pot on campus.  My ex was mad because that incident meant she had to draft a letter and have a meeting with all the parents about what was going on.  She told me,  "I don't see what the big deal is.  I was smoking pot and doing LSD when I was 12."  BTW, pretty sure that ex was BPD/NPD as well. 

I certainly hope the best for my wife, and for her students and co-workers, whatever that may be.  her biggest issues will be with administration and other teachers, not the students.
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an0ught
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« Reply #35 on: July 24, 2015, 01:46:39 PM »

She's actually okay with younger students, and definitely dedicated to actually doing a good job "teaching".  When she was dealing with 12-14 year-olds, she was constantly frustrated with them.  The alarming thing there was that I could see her actually painting her older students black.  I think she is pretty good at not letting the rage get the best of her in the classroom, but her attitude with the older students was probably destructive.  It seems like her big issues are with other teachers and administration.  I don't see the same potential of my wife for being completely inappropriate like that ex of mine was.  Another thing about that ex - at one time some 13-year old kids in her school got busted for selling pot on campus.  My ex was mad because that incident meant she had to draft a letter and have a meeting with all the parents about what was going on.  She told me,  "I don't see what the big deal is.  I was smoking pot and doing LSD when I was 12."  BTW, pretty sure that ex was BPD/NPD as well. 

There are just plenty of reports here on the board that pwBPD can be very good with kids but really struggle with teens. I suspect the fact that teens are self centric, swing moods quickly, develop an own identity, assert themselves and their boundaries is connected to that.

Well, she seems happy to be home.  Maybe she is forcing it.  Maybe she is genuinely happy.

More later... .

Distance lets the heart grow fonder.

Are there any last minute preparations you still can do that may help you consistently protect your boundaries?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #36 on: July 24, 2015, 06:16:55 PM »

That insight leaves me feeling hopeless.  I've seen it play out with me, and with others.  I think many times she can't stand when other people are happy because that invalidates her "life sucks, everyone is miserable" type of attitude.

This is the kind of insight that you can't do anything with, so of course it leaves you hopeless.

You can't stop her from feeling invalidated when somebody is healthy or happy.

You can't even explain this issue to her and have a good outcome. (If she figures it out herself, she might deal with it... .if you say something, it is just more invalidation for her)

So there is NO action you can take that will improve your relationship from this, other than accepting that she is that way... .and using it to better understand when you are going to have to enforce boundaries.

Meanwhile... .you need to heal, and you need to feel safe.

I'm guessing that enforcing a boundary feels so hard for you because it is new and you were trained at a very early age not to have any boundaries.    As you do it more, it should get easier.
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