Co-parenting with someone that can't admit to anything.

[Nikhed15]

How does one deal with the frustration when the other parent can't ever admit to any wrong doing, and they just keep trying to spin it back into your fault when clearly it's not?

[Turkish]

Hello Nikhed15,

Fixing the other parent's disordered thinking is like ice skating uphill. Focusing on the areas of influence we do have (ourselves, our kids) is helpful to reduce conflict.

How old are your kids, and what's the custody situation look like?

Turkish

[DreamGirl]

How does one deal with the frustration when the other parent can't ever admit to any wrong doing, and they just keep trying to spin it back into your fault when clearly it's not?

We start to learn new skills.

Is there something specific that's happened?

[Nikhed15]

Nothing specific this week. Two weeks ago she talked me into dropping off my daughter on my parenting so she could bring her to the premier minions movie... .which I knew she would love. Come to find out on my way there she was introducing my daughter to her boyfriend of 5 weeks because she's super serious with him and ready to buy a house with him. I told her in the future please tell me all of the information when trying to get me to agree to something. You left out the fact that you planned to introduce your boyfriend. She denied it up and down, and told me I clearly didn't remenber her telling me that! Lol.

We have shared custody, and my daughter will be 7 next month

[DreamGirl]

Nothing specific this week. Two weeks ago she talked me into dropping off my daughter on my parenting so she could bring her to the premier minions movie... .which I knew she would love. Come to find out on my way there she was introducing my daughter to her boyfriend of 5 weeks because she's super serious with him and ready to buy a house with him. I told her in the future please tell me all of the information when trying to get me to agree to something. You left out the fact that you planned to introduce your boyfriend. She denied it up and down, and told me I clearly didn't remenber her telling me that! Lol.

We have shared custody, and my daughter will be 7 next month

Yikes.

Would you have said no if she did tell you?

[Nikhed15]

Good question. I met him two nights prior, he's a really nice guy and he truly means no harm at all. Even though it's so early I would have probably said yes, since I liked him.  I know from a good friend that he's 32 and this is his first real girlfriend. He's been wanting a serious relationship since his group of friends are all married and most of them starting families, part of me thinks that's why he's going along with the fast paced relationship. Would it be rude for me to admit I kind of actually feel really bad for him, since I know what he's in for?

On the other end, I recently introduced my daughter to a women ( as a friend) I have been dating for a year. My daughter likes her and her daughter. That's a make it or break it for me, I wouldn't stay in a relationship if my daughter didn't like the person I was dating. This lady is a normal, she's been thru my very long test to prove it

[DreamGirl]

Good question. I met him two nights prior, he's a really nice guy and he truly means no harm at all. Even though it's so early I would have probably said yes, since I liked him.  I know from a good friend that he's 32 and this is his first real girlfriend.

So, I guess if you didn't mind --- why was it important that she shared this particular fact with you?

If she brought her mom, would you need to know? Or another family member? A friend?

This obviously bothered you enough to bring it up with her. Was it just that her new boyfriend was going to be introduced and you didn't want it to happen on your time?

DG  

[Nikhed15]

I was bothered because she set up my daughter meeting her new boyfriend behind my back secretively, before I even met him and also a little bothered that she did it on my time not her own. The ulterior motive situations bother me a little bit.

[Nikhed15]

I suppose I'm going to need to learn to get used to it, because I can't change what she does.

[Nikhed15]

I could care less if she brought anyone else along with her, that's why I didn't ask her in the first place.

[DreamGirl]

I was bothered because she set up my daughter meeting her new boyfriend behind my back secretively, before I even met him and also a little bothered that she did it on my time not her own. The ulterior motive situations bother me a little bit.

To be honest? That would probably bother me if my (newly) exH wanted to go on a "family" date with our kids. Especially if I was still mourning my own family. When my ex first started dating his now wife, it was really hard on me. Not because I wanted him back, the decision to divorce was the right one - it was just this other person in my kids life that I had no say in being there.

I'm guessing that your split is more recent? Still working through getting over the relationship?

I think you're having a pretty normal reaction. As is mom hiding the details in order to get what she wants.

You just have to be mindful of it and not let your emotions fuel your decisions as to what is best for your little girl. I think it was grown up thing to do to allow her to go based on the fact it was nice of her mama to take her to see the premier.

[Nikhed15]

We split on June 8th 2012. I'm not mourning the loss, I was completely single for 2 years while working through my problems in therapy. I'm glad to say, that therapy was well worth every penny spent. I learned many new skills that I will use the rest of my life.

If she didn't hide issues on most subjects I wouldn't be bothered. Any tips on that would be more than welcome. I Like self improvement!

I try not to let emotions have a say in my decision of what's best for my daughter. I base the decisions off of if she's going to enjoy it or not. I meditate nightly before sleep.

Thank you for your input.

[DreamGirl]

Well, I was split from my ex for 10 years when he started dating his now wife! (Who I now happen to think is great)

It just... .bugged me. I can't explain it other then the way I did (I got no say). It certainly isn't that way for everyone.

I try not to let emotions have a say in my decision of what's best for my daughter. I base the decisions off of if she's going to enjoy it or not.

You sound like a really great Dad.  

What other issues does she hide from you?

[ugghh]

It seems your reaction is not out of the ordinary.  That being said many members here have found that giving concessions to the pwBPD, even when trying to benefit the child, only tends to have unintended repercussions

Sometimes the the best way to handle these issues is to just repeat the message that for everyone's benefit let's stick with the schedule.

[Nikhed15]

Dreamgirl:

It's not nessicarily issues she hides, just details she leaves out to get what she wants. I've been taught to look for her ulterior motives, sometimes I can find it quickly and sometimes she has none. She tends to violate our decree often, like signing our daughter up for piano lessons on the weekends without asking me first. She knows my daughter and I frequent the cabin as much as possible. When she first brought it up to me it was going to be all on her patenting time so I agreed. As hard as it was to do, I told her scheduling piano lessons on my Saturday's without my consent is a direct violation of the decree so I'm not doing it.

Thank you! I try my hardest to be a good father, my daughter deserves one!

Ugghh:

Thank you for the advice, I used to not give concessions but somewhere in the last 12 months I fell of that due to guilt trips! That makes total sense, back to the no concessions. I used to tell her, I plan my life around my parenting time, you should as well. It's hard to not want to give in when I know it's something my daughter would enjoy.

For everyone's benefit let's stick to the schedule... .I'm going to engrain that in my head!

[Sunfl0wer]

It's not nessicarily issues she hides, just details she leaves out to get what she wants. I've been taught to look for her ulterior motives, sometimes I can find it quickly and sometimes she has none. She tends to violate our decree often, like signing our daughter up for piano lessons on the weekends without asking me first. She knows my daughter and I frequent the cabin as much as possible. When she first brought it up to me it was going to be all on her patenting time so I agreed. As hard as it was to do, I told her scheduling piano lessons on my Saturday's without my consent is a direct violation of the decree so I'm not doing it.

Thank you! I try my hardest to be a good father, my daughter deserves one!

Ugghh:

Thank you for the advice, I used to not give concessions but somewhere in the last 12 months I fell of that due to guilt trips! That makes total sense, back to the no concessions. I used to tell her, I plan my life around my parenting time, you should as well. It's hard to not want to give in when I know it's something my daughter would enjoy.

For everyone's benefit let's stick to the schedule... .I'm going to engrain that in my head!

I think you have come to some important conclusions for yourself.

If she is sometimes manipulating you with partial truths, then you are thinking it is your role to look for her manipulations... .Where does that leave you?  It sounds like that is setting yourself up to be entangled in her motives and emotionally invested on both sides (by allowing her to receive a reward for pulling your heart strings) in a way that complicates things.  Not good for either you or your D?

I think you should find the "cleanest" way to deal with negotiations.  A way that involves little emotional investment from you.  

One option: Negotiate with RA and no expectation/ be robotic about it not emotional. If you think your daughter will benefit, allow it.  ... .If you think allowing it is a better decision than not allowing it.  However, always assume you may be being used and manipulated and can live with that for the sake of allowing something for your D to do.  I would just assume I'm always being manipulated, accept that vs driving myself mad looking for it.  

Another option: Stick to the schedule/don't negotiate. I think if you cannot negotiate in a robotic way, without emotion, then it is probably "cleanest" to avoid negotiating at all.  (As you indicated)

The emotion gets things complicated.  For you, your D, your new partner, and your ex.  

I personally don't think I could negotiate that kind of thing and not have feelings about it.  I just have seen others be able to, accept it, so I know it is possible.  I, myself, would have to choose to not negotiate as the emotions it surfaces for all, is not good for anyone. (Saying this so you see I'm not trying to judge... .rather sharing my views on possibilities)

[AlonelyOne]

How does one deal with the frustration when the other parent can't ever admit to any wrong doing, and they just keep trying to spin it back into your fault when clearly it's not?

I don't even bother with that. I have ZERO expectation of her ever admitting anything.  I am just happy for the few day break between insane accusations attacking me.

I just wish I had breasts too, then maybe I would get listened to in the system. 

[Panda39]

How does one deal with the frustration when the other parent can't ever admit to any wrong doing, and they just keep trying to spin it back into your fault when clearly it's not?

Just focus on you and your kids. 

Your ex's stuff is her stuff and the above is her stuff. Unless there is some kind of danger to your kids the ex's stuff is her problem don't make it yours. 

I think in my SO's case that sometimes the behaviors that triggered him during the marriage/relationship would still get to him once he divorced (3+ years ago)... .still can though very rarely now.  Quite frankly at this point he could care less about her opinions, her behaviors, her games, her lies... .her.

Panda39