Twilight zone

[specialized]

Been educated on BPD   I felt pretty alone. After 20 years of enduring the moods of my BPD wife I now know I'm not alone and that I am not the man I've have been told I am. Last couple days were very Twilite zone  -  she stormed out of couples counseling called a divorce lawyer told me if I touch her she will call the police. The next day I was her knight in shining armor again. What a ride! My head is still spinning. Thanks for this site.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

Life with a BPD spouse is a roller-coaster for sure.    What caused her to cause the divorce lawyer; what caused her to come back to you?

[specialized]

well i called her out( at counseling) on a vindictive action - as much as she tried to deny  the intention, she felt cornered because there was no way to shift the blame to me.This infuriated her - no surprise - especially when the discussion changed from her considering her feelings to considering mine. Typical in my relationship.

When you are with someone with BPD who acts out or speaks cruelly its hard to remember that they are expressing raw emotion the only way they know how - thats the way life made her. even if its after the fact being mindful when you look back at the situation can give you the insight you need to communicate.

I realized my wife was all along trying to get my attention to let me know she was afraid - of losing me, of not being significant in the relationship etc... .Other circumstances in our life that we dont see eye to eye on trip us up because if i dont agree with her opinion or do it her way that means i am a control freak and i dont respect her opinion.(which is not true).

My wife called me the next morning at my work and gave me the "dont leave me " part of the "I hate you-dont leave me" . I said i get it - you are very hurt all the way to your soul and I do care about you more than anything and I am taking the rest of the day off to be with you - not to talk about the nit-picky things, just to be together, sit together and if you want to talk about your feelings i will just listen and be there. I got home to a big hug and a kiss and a great day and evening. The trick will be how long can we sustain the "normalcy" and how long can her head tell her she is validated by me before she starts hunting for anything to confirm her feelings of fear and insecurity and  invalidation - it could be a look, a word, a sigh at the wrong moment, a comment from an outsider, anything actually depending on the day... .and then hopefully i will remember to be mindful again... .ya know?

[Wrongturn1]

I see... .and I think you're right; blame-shifting is a common BPD behavior, and they tend to go to some nuclear option when blame-shifting is not an option.  Mine tends to feel/talk suicidal when that happens.

Next time, instead of backing her into a proverbial corner, you might consider using the "SET" technique (support, empathy, truth) as a way to get your truth across in a way that is not invalidating or threatening to her.

Another thing to think about:  she behaved unreasonably in throwing a fit and calling a divorce lawyer over a reasonable thing you did in marriage counseling.  You responded by taking the day off to spend time with her as soon as she went into "don't leave me" mode, which is something she likely sees as a major positive reinforcement.  So, by taking the day off to spend time with her, are you providing an incentive for more frequent future "I hate you" episodes since she expects you to drop everything as soon as she goes "don't leave me"?

[specialized]

Yes I think you are right about that. I always in my head think that aft e r a blowout if I show her more tenderness assure her I'm there for her she will know I love her and she will understand that she is in fact the most cherished by me. It is almost instinctual for me to do that. This has already taken a turn since earlier today. I didn't have to do or say anything she told me she had told a girlfriend in the heat of being mad that we would probably be divorcing in the future and told me she loves me and she's here but our relationship needs to change for her for the better and I am the one who has to change it because I am the one who ruined it... .etc. then she went on to say no matter what I do it will b e hard for her to accept as not fake because of all the bad things in the past. And she named all the same invalidating instances all the way back to when we were dating and said it's my action that don't allow her to forgive me i because I have showed her who the real me is over the years. (Heard it all before).  What is the SET technique because any truth I do have is invalidating... .thanks

[Wrongturn1]

The SET tool is explained here, and it can be helpful in my experience:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Also, note that your wife has a severe mental illness.  You should realize that you did not actually ruin her life - you did not cause her BPD, and you can't cure it.  All those "terrible things" you have done over the years are probably things that a mentally healthy person would have gotten over and moved on from years ago, but the BPD makes her hang onto them because any little mistake you make reaffirms her internal narrative that she is worthless.  The truth is that you're human, and we all make mistakes.  You can't change the past, but you can change the future to stop making things worse and to take better care of yourself.

[specialized]

thank you .

i was told to be more transparent more open and up front.and i have been. i just feel that i dont know how to make it better . better for myself its a crazy environment when you never know when the hammer is going to fall. i have decisions to make for our family that i tell her about but she wont respect my opinion much less listen to it. it seems like any conversation we have about us or the family gets rerouted to  there is no appreciation for her and life is short and if i loved her i would trust her enough to do it her way. there is no explaining the logic of my decision it is irrelevent. we are at the age where hormonally she may be close to menopause i wonder if that may be making things worse

[Wrongturn1]

Regarding the "if i loved her i would trust her enough to do it her way", it might be that because she has no sense of identity, when you disagree with her point of view, you take away what sliver of identity she feels like she has, and she responds in a disproportionate way. 

Regarding the "be more transparent more open and up front", that's something I hear on a routine basis from my uBPDw.  Her go-to line is "I would be able to trust you if you would be 100% open and honest with me about everything", which is to say that at the end of the day, for each moment that I was out of her sight, she wants me to describe every detail of my day and recite a transcript of every conversation that I have with anyone.  That would bore me to death, so there's no way I'm going to do it. 

I have used SET in the past to tell her no as follows:  "You are important to me, and I care about how you are feeling (S); that must feel awful to believe you cannot trust your husband, and I'm sure it would be miserable to feel like I could not trust you (E); and at the same time [do not say 'but'], I'm not going to recount every moment of each day to you - I'm just not that much of a talker... .still, I'm not hiding anything from you, and my behavior is trustworthy (T)".

The other thing to keep in mind is that it's not your behavior that keeps her from trusting you; it's the disorder.  As long as she is symptomatic, she is unlikely to trust you or anyone else.

[specialized]

thanks again. i see i need to not forget there is an illness. its hard for me to remember there is an illness because she has a way of getting her point of view across and i get frustrated before i think of the ilness. i dont look at her and think BPD. i really appreciate your insightfulness .

[specialized]

This is the. First time in my life that I have spoken to anyone who understands what it's like to live this life. And can speak with perspective. I really appreciate your comments thank you

[waverider]

Not getting bogged down in the details of individual issues is good, as the issue is just a vehicle to express a deeper emotion.

However, just sweeping inappropriate behavior under the carpet, without consequences, and providing rewarding behavior can indeed normalize dyfunctional cycling.

I now use SET, but the T is to highlight that the reaction was inappropriate, and also that I am not willing to drop everything so they can quickly brush it off.

As far as the original trigger in this episode it comes from feelings=fact. She felt under threat=felt like being attacked/abused= it is received as actually being abused, which triggers fight and flight reaction. The next day abandonment fears reel her back in again. Your rescuing action negates her need to learn self soothing.

Nothing has been learned, so nothing changes, and so it happens again, as this is "normal"

[Wrongturn1]

Specialized: glad you found this group to talk with.  It definitely helps to have others to be able to turn to for perspective.

Waverider makes good points about pointing out to the BPD partner which behaviors are inappropriate.  That's something I need to work on in my relationship.

[specialized]

I have another question...

It's back to a calm loving environment.  What can we do to maintain it?