Maybe she's BPD

[Myrio]

I started suspecting my SO was a psychopath, but after researching online, I think it is more likely she has several BPD traits. Not that I am a therapist, nor does the diagnosis matter. I might also be wrong, of course.

She flies into rages, I can see them escalating, and when she is on a rage, there is nothing I can do to stop her. Certain situations trigger her, mornings are rough, as are trips when we are going somewhere, when people are coming over, etc. Especially if things do not go according to plan. She will twist and turn my words, I keep telling her not to always assume the worst, but that does not help.

She is jealous, and keep telling me my friends are not acting like they should towards me, and they are not real friends etc. She has trouble adjusting to me again, regaining intimacy/comfort, after time apart (self-described). People cannot be trusted, and everyone is unfaithful.

When she is building up/coming down, I try to give her space to self-soothe. Sometimes she will just stay in bed the whole day. Most of the time, she functions on very little sleep.

We are engaged to be married. Safe to say, it went worse from there. We have not had sex more than a handful of times since we got engaged.

However, she does seem to make a conscious effort for improvement. For example, I was struggling with her sleep patterns, as she would not go to sleep, and kept trying to keep me awake as well. Even starting discussions, or introducing topics meant to engage me while we were in bed. Once she understood I did not want to discuss "difficult" topics nor engage after bedtime, she has for the most part left me alone after bedtime.

More than that, she will drop hints for me, such as "I know I can be unreasonable at times, you need to tell me off", "I just get so angry with you, I don't know what to do", etc. which I think/hope is a willingness to change and get better.

I also see that she picks up on my objections/concerns, but not while we are arguing. Suddenly she will do things differently.

I do love her very much, but I am concerned for our future children, and for my long-term health. Not sure what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hope26]

Myrio, I can relate to experiencing the same triggering situations, such as 'trips when you are going somewhere' or 'when people are coming over'.  Especially when things do not go as planned, as you stated.  It seems that BPDs have little or no tolerance for stress.  And anything outside of the usual routine can cause them stress.

Since you're not married yet, you may want to consider a long engagement, during which you have more time to evaluate whether the good times outweigh the bad.  Especially if she doesn't get the rages under control.  If you can learn to react less to the rages, it may help; it did for me.

I would be careful to not allow her to alienate you from your friends.  This is a control technique on her part worthy of setting a boundary by you.  Just my 2 cents worth, with 20-20 hindsight.  I didn't know what I was dealing with before marriage, and am still not sure, but some techniques that I've learned, here and elsewhere, have helped a lot.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

It sounds like your story is very similar to that of others. This is the right place to seek help.

One of the things that is recommended to newcomers is that they check out the lessons that can be found to the right of this post. There is a lot of stuff there to read. If you have questions as you read, you can post.

I would like to second what Hope26 said and recommend trying for a long engagement. Are either of you seeing a therapist or counselor?

[Myrio]

Thank you for the kind welcome and helpful replies.

I wish we could have a long engagement, but we have set a date, and getting close to it. When I suggested we move the date, it meant that I don't love her, and we should break up. I have been stringing her along and lying to her.

She has seen a therapist for an unrelated (?) trauma, but stopped going after a few times when the therapist told her she was healthy and there was nothing she could do for her. I have suggested we see someone together, but she refuses.

I am scared of:

1) that her behaviour is normal, and it is my fault that things are the way they are. Maybe I am misreading her, and this is just stress from my actions/inactions?

2) that she will destroy my life, and the life of our children, that things as they are now will only get worse.

I am also afraid of the consequences of a break-up, I feel an obligation since I have committed to her (and feel stupid for doing that, I should have known better than to rush into things), and I feel guilty.

Thank you for the wonderful resources. I have been reading through the lessons and will continue to do so. It is interesting that a lot of these techniques are similar to what I am doing. It makes it easier for me to understand and implement. I will at least have some tools in order to regulate things.

I am also thankful for her giving me the opportunity to develop myself. Saying no, setting boundaries, and handling conflict have been skills I have been lacking. Crash course in those, to say the least.

[an0ught]

Hi Myrio,

Thank you for the wonderful resources. I have been reading through the lessons and will continue to do so. It is interesting that a lot of these techniques are similar to what I am doing. It makes it easier for me to understand and implement. I will at least have some tools in order to regulate things.

Avoiding unnecessary invalidation is critical. Validation is important. Also important - you can't fix her and you can't sooth her in every situation. She will have emotional highs and downs that are over the top. She will blow up once in a while. That is her, up close and personal without a mask. Step away until she is calmer. Don't feel responsible for everything.

I am also thankful for her giving me the opportunity to develop myself. Saying no, setting boundaries, and handling conflict have been skills I have been lacking. Crash course in those, to say the least.

With a partner like yours you can't avoid conflict. Trying to do so turns you into a pawn in her hands. You can however become better taking ownership only where appropriate and equally at handling conflicts.

,

a0