Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:42:39 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Coming or going?  (Read 366 times)
foggydew
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« on: July 22, 2015, 03:53:32 PM »

Upd person has been looking for a job, and found one 400 miles away. It's near all his relatives and he wants to take it. I think, anyway, though he says that nothing is definite yet. I feel I'm being phased out, though he keeps arranging for us to do things together, like spending a week away together and now a weekend. Yet he is short with me, impatient (as always) though he has stopped the abusive, belittling comments. He still considers that what is mine is his, and to a certain extent, what is his is mine. We are neighbours and share a lot. I suppose he too doesn't really know how to handle the situation.

Well, neither do I. I try to stay the same, supportive, encouraging; but I find it difficult. He has to do the right things for him... .but I'm not sure where I am in this. Or how to react. I can't talk to him really when he is in this mood... there are short 'windows' where he is the person he used to be, but they soon go. I don't want to overwhelm him, but I also don't want him to feel I don't care.
Logged

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2015, 09:11:50 AM »

Hello foggydew,

Ultimately he will do what he wants, but yes I understand that not knowing where you are in this decision, or what it might mean for you both is difficult and confusing.

How likely are they to take this job?

What will happen for you if they do?

Making the choice not to overwhelm him is a good one, perhaps just waiting it out until you know for sure what is going on will help you realise what questions you want to ask.
Logged

vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2015, 09:24:44 AM »

Making the choice not to overwhelm him is a good one, perhaps just waiting it out until you know for sure what is going on will help you realise what questions you want to ask.

I want to second this recommendation. Give it some time. It is difficult or anybody to make a big decision like that. In my experience, pwBPD have a difficult time handling any kind of really big change.

He probably isn't thinking of you at the moment. It isn't because of love/not love. It is likely because this decision is so unbelievably overwhelming. My husband said something to me recently that helped me understand a lot. I was saying something about not feeling like a priority and how I wish he could communicate with me better. He responded with something like, "How can I communicate something to you that I don't even know for myself?"
Logged
foggydew
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2015, 09:34:52 AM »

Thanks for your very helpful comments. You helped me feel a lot better. Yes, he has now said he can't say anything because he doesn't know himself... and that hge will come home once a month, and I should go there too, and that he will miss me terribly. He goes for a week's trial on Monday. It's not decided yet... nor is it sure that he will keep the job. I have to wait and get on with life and leave him space. He has an appointment with the bank tomorrow to see if he will be able to buy accommodation if he goes. So he's really counting on it, I think.
Logged

sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2015, 09:42:16 AM »

I'm glad you have more clarity on the situation, and I can hear your SO also has been able to find his way through this decision for himself.

Your post sounded a lot more positive and optimistic  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Often for pwBPD, like VOC said it is about giving them space and time to process information and how they feel about things.

I know for me I am often too quick to project my insecurities into the 'not knowing' gap that is left whilst waiting for my h to eventually let me know what has been going on.
Logged

mindwise
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2015, 09:49:35 AM »

Making the choice not to overwhelm him is a good one, perhaps just waiting it out until you know for sure what is going on will help you realise what questions you want to ask.

I want to second this recommendation. Give it some time. It is difficult or anybody to make a big decision like that. In my experience, pwBPD have a difficult time handling any kind of really big change. 

I'm facing a similar situation with my partner wanting to move to another country. I agree the best is to be patient and give it some time until words and initiatives become facts. I have seen my BPDgf backing off so many times in the last minute... . 

Meantime, continue as you are doing, validate and give support (professional career, etc) and enjoy the time together to the fullest.
Logged
foggydew
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2015, 01:22:09 AM »

Making the choice not to overwhelm him is a good one, perhaps just waiting it out until you know for sure what is going on will help you realise what questions you want to ask.

I want to second this recommendation. Give it some time. It is difficult or anybody to make a big decision like that. In my experience, pwBPD have a difficult time handling any kind of really big change. 

I'm facing a similar situation with my partner wanting to move to another country. I agree the best is to be patient and give it some time until words and initiatives become facts. I have seen my BPDgf backing off so many times in the last minute... . 

Meantime, continue as you are doing, validate and give support (professional career, etc) and enjoy the time together to the fullest.

Really good recommendations, which helped and are still helping. Mindwise, your situation must be really tough, my person constantly reassures me that he will only be 3 hours away and that we will stay in touch and see each other twice a month. Going to another country longer term sounds much more threatening - though, as you say, they often back off last minute.

Some distance from the constant stress that the disorder brings with it will good for me, probably. He said one thing that sticks in my mind ... .'we can be so close because I don't care about your feelings'. He claims he is only unpleasant to me (though he is now N/C with his mother and stepfather, and has no real friends) and that he will miss me, very, very much. Hmm.
Logged

mindwise
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2015, 04:35:55 AM »

Mindwise, your situation must be really tough, my person constantly reassures me that he will only be 3 hours away and that we will stay in touch and see each other twice a month. Going to another country longer term sounds much more threatening - though, as you say, they often back off last minute.

Well, I've been in very similar situations in the past with other gfs. If that's her path to happiness, then be it, good for her Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Of course I much prefer if she stays so we can keep growing together  We'll see what happens  



Some distance from the constant stress that the disorder brings with it will good for me, probably.

Yes, focus on yourself and gain strength so when you spend time with your partner you're centered and no longer stressed Being cool (click to insert in post)




He said one thing that sticks in my mind ... .'we can be so close because I don't care about your feelings'. He claims he is only unpleasant to me (though he is now N/C with his mother and stepfather, and has no real friends) and that he will miss me, very, very much. Hmm.

Would it be correct to say he is unpleasant to you because he doesn't care about your feelings? And that he will miss it very very much?

How does that make you feel? I care
Logged
foggydew
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2015, 07:18:35 AM »



Would it be correct to say he is unpleasant to you because he doesn't care about your feelings? And that he will miss it very very much?

How does that make you feel? I care [/quote]
Well, yes, he is unpleasant to me because he doesn't care about my feelings, I suppose, but I don't think that is what he will miss. He'll miss us doing things together, having fun, laughing, being silly, having support, unconditional love ... .and being able to be his ratty self often. How it makes me feel? Glad that he thought about it, that he tried to be honest, and careful. And superior. I'm an old bird, he's a relatively young man - I don't have any expectations, he's not really a partner ... a companion. He exists, he makes life fun sometimes, gives me a purpose in life, makes me feel of some use, and it's a whole lot better than nothing!

Thanks for YOUR care. Something else that makes me feel better.

Anf I hope your g/f finds that happiness is nearer home.
Logged

mindwise
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2015, 06:41:31 AM »

I don't have any expectations, he's not really a partner ... a companion. He exists, he makes life fun sometimes, gives me a purpose in life, makes me feel of some use, and it's a whole lot better than nothing!

Thanks for YOUR care. Something else that makes me feel better.

Anf I hope your g/f finds that happiness is nearer home.

This is great. Seems to me you clearly define where you stand with him Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Also, awesome to know he wants to stay in touch and get together with you a couple times per month.

Thank you very much for the kind words Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
foggydew
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2015, 12:22:30 PM »

Well, things have changed again, though I'm going to take it as temporary. " You're so stupid I don't care about you" "I'm glad I'm going back to a place where people are normal". It seems the child phase has taken over. How he is going to hold down a very responsible job I can't imagine. But I am hoping he will stay stable for longer. Sometimes it all seems so wearing and hopeless.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!