Vacations - some kind of trigger?

[Herodias]

Has anyone found vacations to be some kind of trigger for their BPD partner? I have looked back and realized that most of our vacations have started out pretty good, but there has definitely been some issues. Maybe they weren't any more than what would happen at home, not sure. Driving would always be a problem over flying. In the car for hours would be no fun at all! Just curious if being together on a trip 24/7 would be extra difficult even though you are supposed to be having a great time... .?

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[vortex of confusion]

Yes, vacations can be difficult for everyone involved.

Part of the reason that they tend to be problematic is that there isn't access to the comfortable and familiar. Yes, vacations are supposed to be fun. I have found that pwBPD traits don't have fun because they are in a new environment and there are a lot of things that can't be predicted. My husband tends to thrive on predictability and stability. Vacations are meant to be fun and spontaneous. Spontaneous isn't that fun for them because of the lack of predictability.

[Myrio]

Traveling somewhere seems to trigger a lot of stuff.

I try to prepare well in advance, with the packing, tickets and everything. The less stress, the better. Mentally prepare my SO as well.

Once there, it seems like leaving open times in the schedule helps. Trying to squeeze as much as possible into the vacay, probably not going to go well.

I have had a lot of fun on vacation with my GF, and the most horrible times imaginable to man.

Currently, I am not getting into the car with her unless I absolutely have to. For me it is now going under the nickname "The Cage of Abuse". Not sure why that is, but getting in the car with her triggers her beyond belief. Would estimate 75 % of her meltdowns happen in the car or after we exit. Would love if someone has an explanation. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Yes!

Vacations for him (N/BPD traits) were a trigger in the planning/anticipating process.  The month leading up to the trip, he liked to do all the planning, then resentful for not getting help, but rejecting help offered.

He typically avoided making decisions in other areas of life, for fear of being blamed later on for a result. (Not that I blamed him... .it was in his head). So, making trip decisions was very stressful for him.

Then as we were in transition during a trip, gearing to head off on an excursion or something... .The stress would resurface.

I learned to just give him a whole lot of space during the planning part of anything.  The kids would think he went mad.  Him being hyper focused, but not tolerating anything... .He must have ruminated over his plans in the meantime and must have been consumed by planning thoughts 24/7 cause he reacted as though we were interrupting a world saving thought just asking what was for dinner.  I taught the kids that they are to leave him alone for the weeks until the trip is executed.  I also tipped them off on other moments like this during planning.  This worked well for us all.

[Sunfl0wer]

Currently, I am not getting into the car with her unless I absolutely have to. For me it is now going under the nickname "The Cage of Abuse". Not sure why that is, but getting in the car with her triggers her beyond belief. Would estimate 75 % of her meltdowns happen in the car or after we exit. Would love if someone has an explanation.  

It sounds like she has anxiety about the car.  Is she better if she is driving?

I have gotten anxious over being in the car with my ex, he expressed his anger toward me with driving erratic when mad at me.  I felt trapped, I could not escape.  I have jumped out of the car.

It is possible that she feels out of control in some way?

I had moments where because of his history of taking his driving out on me, I then became anxious when he "may" take his anger out on me but wasn't.  Sometimes I have just said:"I'm sorry, my anxiety is a problem today, do you mind if I drive?  Otherwise I'm afraid I will just need to go back."  He knew if I was stating this, I meant it, and would take a cab home.  So he usually tried to help me get through it somehow... .as long as he wasn't dealing with his own turmoil and emotionally blind in the moment.

Maybe she has a past issue that caused this?

Edit: FYI... I had a T tell me most triggers are about control I hated to think that I was being controlling... .this sounds so negative to me.  But when I really thought about it. I cannot deny it.  It made complete sense.  And a lightbulb went on for me about it.

[Myrio]

Hmmm ... .that's interesting.

I actually think that there are several issues here, rolled into one. Looking into her past, I can make some reasonable guesses (which are not relevant to this discussion).

But reflecting on what you say:

FYI... I had a T tell me most triggers are about control

I would say it is easier to control me when I am driving. By constant nagging - "you're too close to the other cars", "you need to shift gears", "turn off/on your blinkers", etc. And I do mean constant.

If she is driving, she is less in control, both over me and herself, as she is trapped in a sense, locked into the driver position.

So probably I should drive more, and set boundaries around the nagging, or deflect her attention elsewhere. Would also help as she is a dangerous driver (all the other people's fault). 

Good insight on the handling of vacations as well. I found some useful thinking/tools for my situation. 

[mimi99]

Great thread. My dBPDd has been horrible on every vacation ever taken. I just thought it was her. Although I know I am not alone in this, reading others posts helps tremendously. Thanks so much

[Sunfl0wer]

Hmmm ... .that's interesting.

I actually think that there are several issues here, rolled into one. Looking into her past, I can make some reasonable guesses (which are not relevant to this discussion).

But reflecting on what you say:

FYI... I had a T tell me most triggers are about control

I would say it is easier to control me when I am driving. By constant nagging - "you're too close to the other cars", "you need to shift gears", "turn off/on your blinkers", etc. And I do mean constant.

If she is driving, she is less in control, both over me and herself, as she is trapped in a sense, locked into the driver position.

So probably I should drive more, and set boundaries around the nagging, or deflect her attention elsewhere. Would also help as she is a dangerous driver (all the other people's fault).  

Good insight on the handling of vacations as well. I found some useful thinking/tools for my situation.  

I feel I cannot control my anxiety at times (once in a while) when another person is driving. (This happens about once a week for me as my son is driving). I do apologize and admit to him I am anxious. I have taught him to drive a bit more cautious to help me.  Like leave three car lengths in the rain, or please be sure he stops before the white line vs tires over it.  If I see he is making a decent effort and leaving enough space between cars, this really helps me relax.  Otherwise, as the trip progresses, my anxiety compounds to the point I want to jump out of my skin.  He is considerate enough, so all I say is... .can you please drive "Old Lady style" for the remainder of the trip to appease my anxiety, and he obliges... .and we have a defined meaning for this.  (I don't typically nag, but if I slip, we both know I'm anxious and treat it like a sneeze that needed to come out)

He knows if he didn't appease it some, I'd have to just take over and drive as even if I try to be quiet and endure it, I accidentally gasp and sigh.  This would drive us both nuts!  So I see this as a fine compromise, as he prefers to drive.

Other things that help me... .

I'm less anxious

... .if I've taken my vitamins regularly.

... .if I've eaten healthy.

... .if I have a very distracting distraction. Such as doing banking on my tablet... .where I need to concentrate.

... .if the weather is good.

... .if the person appears somewhat considerate to not do things that could make anyone anxious. Such as no txting and driving, no road rage, no negative road talk about the traffic, no eating and driving. (I never have road rage... .and it makes me very anxious when others get anxious while driving... this is a big one)

It all may sound very controlling... .but it actually doesn't appear that way... .I don't think.  I do my best to hide it and not burden anyone if not necessary.  (I imagine with a partner with BPD, hiding an emotion is not really feasible)

[Hope26]

Quote from Vortex of Confusion:

Part of the reason that they tend to be problematic is that there isn't access to the comfortable and familiar. Yes, vacations are supposed to be fun. I have found that pwBPD traits don't have fun because they are in a new environment and there are a lot of things that can't be predicted. My husband tends to thrive on predictability and stability. Vacations are meant to be fun and spontaneous. Spontaneous isn't that fun for them because of the lack of predictability.

AMEN TO THIS!  I have endured some of H's worst and most frequent rages while on 'vacation'.  Having said that though, I've learned that if we make it a predictable vacation where he can control his activities, we can both have a great time.  We now have a second home, a beach cottage where he can just sit and drink beer if  he so desires.  No decisions to make other than when and where to go eat.  Prior to our being able to get this place, I learned that the 'relaxing' vacations, like a cruise or an all-inclusive resort, worked better than an 'adventure' type vacation, such as touring and checking out new places.  Especially stressful for him were 'guided' tours where someone else was in control of timing and/or activities.