Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
April 23, 2024, 11:35:34 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
Cat Familiar
,
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Vacations - some kind of trigger?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Vacations - some kind of trigger? (Read 498 times)
Herodias
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787
Vacations - some kind of trigger?
«
on:
July 22, 2015, 06:38:19 PM »
Has anyone found vacations to be some kind of trigger for their BPD partner? I have looked back and realized that most of our vacations have started out pretty good, but there has definitely been some issues. Maybe they weren't any more than what would happen at home, not sure. Driving would always be a problem over flying. In the car for hours would be no fun at all! Just curious if being together on a trip 24/7 would be extra difficult even though you are supposed to be having a great time... .?
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
vortex of confusion
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234
Re: VACATIONS...
«
Reply #1 on:
July 22, 2015, 06:45:23 PM »
Yes, vacations can be difficult for everyone involved.
Part of the reason that they tend to be problematic is that there isn't access to the comfortable and familiar. Yes, vacations are supposed to be fun. I have found that pwBPD traits don't have fun because they are in a new environment and there are a lot of things that can't be predicted. My husband tends to thrive on predictability and stability. Vacations are meant to be fun and spontaneous. Spontaneous isn't that fun for them because of the lack of predictability.
Logged
Myrio
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Re: Vacations - some kind of trigger?
«
Reply #2 on:
July 23, 2015, 11:19:25 AM »
Traveling somewhere seems to trigger a lot of stuff.
I try to prepare well in advance, with the packing, tickets and everything. The less stress, the better. Mentally prepare my SO as well.
Once there, it seems like leaving open times in the schedule helps. Trying to squeeze as much as possible into the vacay, probably not going to go well.
I have had a lot of fun on vacation with my GF, and the most horrible times imaginable to man.
Currently, I am not getting into the car with her unless I absolutely have to. For me it is now going under the nickname "The Cage of Abuse". Not sure why that is, but getting in the car with her triggers her beyond belief. Would estimate 75 % of her meltdowns happen in the car or after we exit. Would love if someone has an explanation.
Logged
Sunfl0wer
`
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583
Re: Vacations - some kind of trigger?
«
Reply #3 on:
July 23, 2015, 11:33:58 AM »
Yes!
Vacations for him (N/BPD traits) were a trigger in the planning/anticipating process. The month leading up to the trip, he liked to do all the planning, then resentful for not getting help, but rejecting help offered.
He typically avoided making decisions in other areas of life, for fear of being blamed later on for a result. (Not that I blamed him... .it was in his head). So, making trip decisions was very stressful for him.
Then as we were in transition during a trip, gearing to head off on an excursion or something... .The stress would resurface.
I learned to just give him a whole lot of space during the planning part of anything. The kids would think he went mad. Him being hyper focused, but not tolerating anything... .He must have ruminated over his plans in the meantime and must have been consumed by planning thoughts 24/7 cause he reacted as though we were interrupting a world saving thought just asking what was for dinner. I taught the kids that they are to leave him alone for the weeks until the trip is executed. I also tipped them off on other moments like this during planning. This worked well for us all.
Logged
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Sunfl0wer
`
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583
Re: Vacations - some kind of trigger?
«
Reply #4 on:
July 23, 2015, 11:42:54 AM »
Quote from: Myrio on July 23, 2015, 11:19:25 AM
Currently, I am not getting into the car with her unless I absolutely have to. For me it is now going under the nickname "The Cage of Abuse". Not sure why that is, but getting in the car with her triggers her beyond belief. Would estimate 75 % of her meltdowns happen in the car or after we exit. Would love if someone has an explanation.
It sounds like she has anxiety about the car. Is she better if she is driving?
I have gotten anxious over being in the car with my ex, he expressed his anger toward me with driving erratic when mad at me. I felt trapped, I could not escape. I have jumped out of the car.
It is possible that she feels out of control in some way?
I had moments where because of his history of taking his driving out on me, I then became anxious when he "may" take his anger out on me but wasn't. Sometimes I have just said:"I'm sorry, my anxiety is a problem today, do you mind if I drive? Otherwise I'm afraid I will just need to go back." He knew if I was stating this, I meant it, and would take a cab home. So he usually tried to help me get through it somehow... .as long as he wasn't dealing with his own turmoil and emotionally blind in the moment.
Maybe she has a past issue that caused this?
Edit: FYI... I had a T tell me most triggers are about control I hated to think that I was being controlling... .this sounds so negative to me. But when I really thought about it. I cannot deny it. It made complete sense. And a lightbulb went on for me about it.
Logged
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Myrio
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Re: Vacations - some kind of trigger?
«
Reply #5 on:
July 23, 2015, 12:08:45 PM »
Hmmm ... .that's interesting.
I actually think that there are several issues here, rolled into one. Looking into her past, I can make some reasonable guesses (which are not relevant to this discussion).
But reflecting on what you say:
Excerpt
FYI... I had a T tell me most triggers are about control
I would say it is easier to control me when I am driving. By constant nagging - "you're too close to the other cars", "you need to shift gears", "turn off/on your blinkers", etc. And I do mean constant.
If she is driving, she is less in control, both over me and herself, as she is trapped in a sense, locked into the driver position.
So probably I should drive more, and set boundaries around the nagging, or deflect her attention elsewhere. Would also help as she is a dangerous driver (all the other people's fault).
Good insight on the handling of vacations as well. I found some useful thinking/tools for my situation.
Logged
mimi99
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 109
Re: Vacations - some kind of trigger?
«
Reply #6 on:
July 23, 2015, 12:24:42 PM »
Great thread. My dBPDd has been horrible on every vacation ever taken. I just thought it was her. Although I know I am not alone in this, reading others posts helps tremendously. Thanks so much
Logged
Sunfl0wer
`
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583
Re: Vacations - some kind of trigger?
«
Reply #7 on:
July 23, 2015, 12:28:13 PM »
Quote from: Myrio on July 23, 2015, 12:08:45 PM
Hmmm ... .that's interesting.
I actually think that there are several issues here, rolled into one. Looking into her past, I can make some reasonable guesses (which are not relevant to this discussion).
But reflecting on what you say:
Excerpt
FYI... I had a T tell me most triggers are about control
I would say it is easier to control me when I am driving. By constant nagging - "you're too close to the other cars", "you need to shift gears", "turn off/on your blinkers", etc. And I do mean constant.
If she is driving, she is less in control, both over me and herself, as she is trapped in a sense, locked into the driver position.
So probably I should drive more, and set boundaries around the nagging, or deflect her attention elsewhere. Would also help as she is a dangerous driver (all the other people's fault).
Good insight on the handling of vacations as well. I found some useful thinking/tools for my situation.
I feel I cannot control my anxiety at times (once in a while) when another person is driving. (This happens about once a week for me as my son is driving). I do apologize and admit to him I am anxious. I have taught him to drive a bit more cautious to help me. Like leave three car lengths in the rain, or please be sure he stops before the white line vs tires over it. If I see he is making a decent effort and leaving enough space between cars, this really helps me relax. Otherwise, as the trip progresses, my anxiety compounds to the point I want to jump out of my skin. He is considerate enough, so all I say is... .can you please drive "Old Lady style" for the remainder of the trip to appease my anxiety, and he obliges... .and we have a defined meaning for this. (I don't typically nag, but if I slip, we both know I'm anxious and treat it like a sneeze that needed to come out)
He knows if he didn't appease it some, I'd have to just take over and drive as even if I try to be quiet and endure it, I accidentally gasp and sigh. This would drive us both nuts! So I see this as a fine compromise, as he prefers to drive.
Other things that help me... .
I'm less anxious
... .if I've taken my vitamins regularly.
... .if I've eaten healthy.
... .if I have a very distracting distraction. Such as doing banking on my tablet... .where I need to concentrate.
... .if the weather is good.
... .if the person appears somewhat considerate to not do things that could make anyone anxious. Such as no txting and driving, no road rage, no negative road talk about the traffic, no eating and driving. (I never have road rage... .and it makes me very anxious when others get anxious while driving... this is a big one)
It all may sound very controlling... .but it actually doesn't appear that way... .I don't think. I do my best to hide it and not burden anyone if not necessary. (I imagine with a partner with BPD, hiding an emotion is not really feasible)
Logged
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Hope26
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 126
Re: Vacations - some kind of trigger?
«
Reply #8 on:
July 23, 2015, 05:32:22 PM »
Quote from Vortex of Confusion:
Part of the reason that they tend to be problematic is that there isn't access to the comfortable and familiar. Yes, vacations are supposed to be fun. I have found that pwBPD traits don't have fun because they are in a new environment and there are a lot of things that can't be predicted. My husband tends to thrive on predictability and stability. Vacations are meant to be fun and spontaneous. Spontaneous isn't that fun for them because of the lack of predictability.
AMEN TO THIS! I have endured some of H's worst and most frequent rages while on 'vacation'. Having said that though, I've learned that if we make it a predictable vacation where he can control his activities, we can both have a great time. We now have a second home, a beach cottage where he can just sit and drink beer if he so desires. No decisions to make other than when and where to go eat. Prior to our being able to get this place, I learned that the 'relaxing' vacations, like a cruise or an all-inclusive resort, worked better than an 'adventure' type vacation, such as touring and checking out new places. Especially stressful for him were 'guided' tours where someone else was in control of timing and/or activities.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Vacations - some kind of trigger?
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...