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Author Topic: He's leaving me stranded tomorrow. Nice.  (Read 495 times)
Ceruleanblue
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« on: July 23, 2015, 12:18:49 AM »

I just found out that BPDh is using MY car tomorrow. Of course, he hadn't mentioned that, and it's no big deal to him. I feel like taking off in the car right about the time he has to leave. He'd mentioned that he'd taken the day off to take a trip with his friend to go golfing(never mind that he won't take time off for us, and I've been begging to take a trip), but he never mentioned that he'd need MY car to do it. I thought his buddy was picking him up.

So, I have to be stranded in this town he moved me to, while he goes off and has fun. I'm so steaming angry right now. We had this big conversation weeks ago about him keeping me in the loop. That time he hadn't told me we were invited to his brothers for dinner, and I was left scrambling for something to take, and then after that it happened again. I just can't get him to keep me informed. He does things that effect ME, and he doesn't tell me, until I'm left with the consequences.

Is this something I need a boundary around? How, and what kind of boundary? I feel like saying "tough luck, I need the car", but don't think I have the nerve.

I'm so frustrated and hurt, and mad right now.
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« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2015, 12:34:03 AM »

My ex use to pull that stunt all the time. It is always about them and they don't have the capacity to think about how their behavior is affecting anyone else. Once, my ex actually said it is all about winning. In the end, he lost.



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« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2015, 12:43:58 AM »

Is this something I need a boundary around? How, and what kind of boundary? I feel like saying "tough luck, I need the car", but don't think I have the nerve.

 

Did you have plans to go somewhere?

Is this your car, his car, or a car that you share? How do you normally work out the use of the car?

I am wondering how you can set a boundary around this. If it is your car, the boundary could be that he can't use it unless he gives you advanced notice and makes sure that you didn't have plans in advance.

If it is his car or a shared car, then that might make it a little more difficult.

Also, it sounds like maybe there are two separate issues:

One: the use of the car

Two: Lack of communication
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2015, 01:13:27 AM »

Yes, this really is two issues. I'd already addressed the lack of communication issue, but clearly he still refuses to communicate properly.

His car was totaled when he hit a deer about two months ago. He got the insurance settlement, but still has not bought a car, so he's been using mine. He was leaving me stranded often, and I put my foot down last week and told him to ride his motorcycle that he went into debt to get. I told him he wanted it, he can ride it rain or shine, I'm sick of being without my car.

I guess he felt that special outing trips with buddies was different? I'm just so sick of this crap. Yeah, we are having to share my car because for some weird reason he won't purchase another car. All I can think is this is yet another form of control or isolation.

He definitely knows I'm not happy about this situation, and I'm still in the spare bedroom too. The man seriously does not understand the concept of making things better. He just keeps pushing, and pushing, and seeing just how much I'll take.
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« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2015, 01:23:03 AM »

He was leaving me stranded often, and I put my foot down last week and told him to ride his motorcycle that he went into debt to get. I told him he wanted it, he can ride it rain or shine, I'm sick of being without my car.

You said he had to ride the motorcycle and can't use your car last week. Now, he is using your car and you are not sticking to what you said. That is sending him mixed signals. As a result, it sounds like he doesn't listen to you and doesn't take you seriously because your actions are showing him that you aren't going to stand by what you said.

I am not picking on you. I have been where you are. I would say all kinds of things and then not follow through. The end result was that I was left angry and frustrated because my husband didn't listen to me. It took me doing two things. One, I stopped getting angry and spouting stuff off. Two, if I spouted something off, then I tried to follow through with it.

Excerpt
He definitely knows I'm not happy about this situation, and I'm still in the spare bedroom too. The man seriously does not understand the concept of making things better. He just keeps pushing, and pushing, and seeing just how much I'll take.

What reason does he have to change? Has his life changed as a result of you not being happy about the situation? If you want to be happy, you have to figure out how to make yourself happy without relying on him to take you into consideration. I know that it stinks and it is rather difficult pill to swallow. It took me a long time to choke it down. Every now and then, it still comes back up on me.

 
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« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2015, 01:31:41 AM »

Yeah, I feel he has circumvented what I said. I did tell him no more using my car, but I'm pretty sure he thought I meant for work. He drives my car to work on days when it rains, or he doesn't feel like riding his motorcycle. I put the kibosh on that, but this trip is three hours away, and he has to take golf clubs.

He's going to be so angry, and make me feel like the biggest meanie if I don't let him take the car tomorrow. Never mind that I am angry. Never mind that I told him no more using my car so I have to just sit home. His answer was that my daughter only works until noon or until two, and she can run me around. He knows I'll catch flak from her if I ask her. His concern is HIM.

I have found lots of ways to be happy without him, but what do I do when he does things like this? I'm going to be stewing all day tomorrow about how he totally disregarded what I'd said the week before. He didn't ask me if it was okay to use my car, he just assumed.

I know I really, really do need to stick to what I say, and I'm doing better about that on the whole, but this one is tough. I'll look like a dork to his friend if he has to cancel, and BPDh took a day off to do this(funny he can take a day off on short notice for a friend, but always makes an excuse about taking a day for us).

It's either him mad, or me mad, and this is probably yet another bullet I'll have to take for the team. Oh, wait, we are not a TEAM. It's all HIM, HIM, HIM.
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« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2015, 02:52:32 AM »

He's going to be so angry, and make me feel like the biggest meanie if I don't let him take the car tomorrow. Never mind that I am angry. Never mind that I told him no more using my car so I have to just sit home.

What about another option? Offer to drive him to meet his friends.

Can you say something along the lines of: "Hey, I told you last week that I wasn't going to let you use the car. I know you have golf clubs to carry so I will drive you so I can have the car for the day."

Is that a realistic possibility?

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« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2015, 05:47:18 AM »

 

VOC,

That is genius... .


Ceruleanblue,

How did you find out he was going to use it?

FF
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« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2015, 06:18:56 AM »

Tell him he needs to rent a car for special trips until he buys his own car. Give him a reason to replace his car. Right now, he has no reason.
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« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2015, 07:49:51 AM »

Well, last night I'd decided I wasn't going to debate it anymore with him, and he's so sure he has me in his hip pocket, that he was just sure of the outcome. Last night I wasn't sure what I'd do. This morning I woke up when he hopped in the shower. I'd about decided to just take another bullet for the team, be the bigger person, but circling my head was how this was yet another boundary I was letting slide.

Then he did something that made me just out of bed, and made my decision for me: I heard him blowing his nose all over the shower! Gross, gross, gross, and I've begged, pleaded, and asked him nicely so many times to PLEASE not do that, because it grosses me out, and I use that shower too! Well, I jumped out of bed so fast my head about spun. I took the car, and went for a drive.

Of course he texted wanting to know where I'd gone. Being all nicey, nice. Yeah, I wasn't buying it. He even apologized for snotting up the shower, and claimed he "forgot". Liar. If he was different, I'd believe him, but he lies consistently, and is mostly only nice when he wants something.

I told him that I've backed down on as many boundaries as I'm going to, and that I was clear about the car issue last week. I also told him that we'd also talked about letting me know things that affect ME. He did tell me on Monday about the golfing this Thursday, but he did not tell me he'd need the car. The car that just days before I'd told him I'd be driving, he could ride his motorcycle. I want him to get a car! He kept trying to convince me to come bring the car to him, and I said I want to, but it's a boundary, and that I can't keep caving in to his every demand. I'd been clear about it, and I meant it.

I feel he made these golf plans knowing he was going against my boundary, so I needed to stand firm. I wanted to cave, but then it's him getting his way again, and me suffering the consequences, and giving him the message that he doesn't have to respect my boundaries, or me. He eventually said he'd figure it out, and when I got home he'd taken his motorcycle.

I'm scared though now that he'll bring out divorce threats tonight. He's left me once, and it was sort of just sudden, but he'd been threatening for three years. He just pulled the trigger, that's how he is. We'd been in a much better place until about two weeks ago, when he sort of revealed that his view of our marriage isn't as great as we'd discussed together.

I'm hoping he texts when he gets there, or lets me know he's not raging mad, so I don't have to be dreadful all day. Some days I just want a more normal life.

Was I wrong to stand my ground? I'm feeling sort of shaky about this now. I think it was the right thing to do, but he won't see it that way.
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« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2015, 08:24:20 AM »

Was I wrong to stand my ground? I'm feeling sort of shaky about this now. I think it was the right thing to do, but he won't see it that way.

 


Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Nice work... .here is the thing.  The MOST IMPORTANT thing about boundaries is consistency.  Good on you for following through on what you said last week.  This is important. 

This is boundaries... .less is more.  Again... .less is more when it comes to communicating with him about this. 

My recommendation is to be minimalistic in the discussions.  You have already told him... .you have shown him.

Now... .best to leave him to figure this out for himself.

Big stuff to remember... .you don't control and should suggest... .tell... goad... .nag... anything him about getting a car.  Let him solve his problems... .it's his business.  Your car is your business.

Ceruleanblue,

Remember I'm not a good/bad advice giver... .more of a good better best.  You are definitely in the better category... .

Couple things.  Don't send mixed messages and own your boundary unapologetically

I think you said something about "wanting to bring the car back... but the boundary prevented it"... .he could see that as something to drive a  wedge between.  Own it... .don't backpedal... any. 

That doesn't mean you have to be aggressive either.  "My car is not available to be borrowed today... "  that's it... .

Last thought about this... .how did you come to know that he planned on using the car today?

FF

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« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2015, 08:27:03 AM »

Was I wrong to stand my ground? I'm feeling sort of shaky about this now. I think it was the right thing to do, but he won't see it that way.

I feel for you Cerulean. I know how frustrating it can be. You feel like you're doing everything right and being patient and it just isn't helping.

It is good to set boundaries. You should not feel bad for doing that. My only question is: do you think setting boundaries in this way was the best way to communicate that to him?

I wanted to communicate boundaries to my wife recently, and honestly, I did it in the same way you did. I just sort of snapped and instantly put up all of my boundaries. It did not work out very well for me and the first argument we have had in 2-3 weeks ensued.

In retrospect, I should have waited for a more quiet moment to make sure that she understood my boundaries and understood the consequences for not respecting them. Then, if she did something to disrespect my boundaries, I would remind her of my boundaries and tell her what the consequences are of not respecting them.

However, you know your husband better than any of us and you will know what would work best.
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« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2015, 08:32:09 AM »

 

This is sort of a side note:

Boundaries go both ways... .

You obviously don't appreciate him trying to control aspects of your life... .

My guess is that he may have some of the same feelings about things about him you are trying to control.

It's not all all unusual for people that are working on boundary issues to start to understand that they sometimes go onto other peoples "property" where they don't belong... .around the same time they discover people have been on their own property... .and they (you) don't want them there.

Plus... .it saves on energy and lessens the chance for disappointment because you are not depending on others to do things to fulfill your wishes.

Hey... .this is a much more minor issue than the big issue that you slayed.  You stated a boundary... .and you enforced a boundary.!

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Now... .be consistent with that boundary... .and evaluate other carefully and deliberately before deciding to act.  

FF
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« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2015, 08:33:23 AM »

It did not work out very well for me and the first argument we have had in 2-3 weeks ensued.

How do you think it would have worked out if you had not participated in an argument about it?

FF
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« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2015, 08:42:07 AM »

Hi CB,

I've read the thread and I'm wondering why your h taking the car is so much of an issue if your not using it? How does it leave you stranded?

I think there are many many other issues flying around for you, but for me sharing cars is just part of any relationship. There was an opportunity to express your unhappiness at h using the car, what stopped you from saying something to him?

It sounds like you are using the car situation as quite literally a vehicle to attach all your anger and frustrations on to that have been going on these past few weeks.

VOC came up with a great solution for you both in her suggestion about you driving your h, and yet you chose a response that I am sure you will be aware will probably create more conflict between you.

How can you move beyond the roles within the cycle of conflict you appear to be in, those of victim, persecutor and rescuer?

I'm not suggesting for one minute that any of this is easy, but I have been following your posts and to me you seem stuck in perpetual conflict between your husband, his family, your family and you.

This is a link that might be helpful, it might also be something that can be talked about in MC,

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

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« Reply #15 on: July 23, 2015, 01:14:14 PM »

So far, he doesn't seem mad. He arrived at the gold course, and he texted me that he made it. That seems like he's not overly mad? I guess he rode his motorcycle the three hours. He insisted on getting a loan we couldn't afford for that bike, let him ride it.

Also, I really am going to try to insist that he find a car. I'm sick of having this same battle over the car. Hopefully when he gets home tonight he doesn't dysregulate. I have a feeling it will take very little to set him off, and he's likely going to be looking for a reason.
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« Reply #16 on: July 23, 2015, 01:38:51 PM »

It did not work out very well for me and the first argument we have had in 2-3 weeks ensued.

How do you think it would have worked out if you had not participated in an argument about it?

FF

I won't make any apologies for my boundaries, but I definitely could have approached it better than I did. Since I haven't spent much effort establishing boundaries in the past, I don't think snapping about it was the right thing to do.


As I think about your case Ceruleanblue, I think that your reaction was a lot more justified. You had talked to him about it before and he has put off buying a new car for an unreasonable amount of time. I would have gotten mad too.
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« Reply #17 on: July 23, 2015, 03:29:50 PM »

Also, I really am going to try to insist that he find a car. I'm sick of having this same battle over the car. 

Do you control whether or not he gets a new car or not?  What good do you think "insisting" will do?

FF
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« Reply #18 on: July 23, 2015, 07:59:32 PM »

yay!

calmly stick to your boundary... .you need access to your own car so it's no longer available to him. no big drama trauma... .it's not personal.

then he will as a matter of consequence get his own car. or not. it's his choice.

you control you.

he controls himself.

that's healthy boundaries.

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« Reply #19 on: July 23, 2015, 08:04:15 PM »

I will add he is accountable for his actions and you yours. That's also healthy boundaries. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: July 23, 2015, 11:58:24 PM »

Well, I actually know that "insisting" doesn't work with BPDh. I might insist(which I never do, actually), but he blows it off, and just ignores me.

I don't actually think I've exerted ANY control over him. Seriously, and this is sad, the only thing I've ever gotten my way about is the way the toilet paper goes on the holder, and that's because I just insisted, and reasoned with him that I spend a lot more time home than him. Money, activities, everything, he's in control of. In fact, he's the most controlling person I've ever known, bar none. I'm careful to not overstep in any such way, because he even views my feelings or opinions as "controlling", which is crazy. He spent three years saying "I don't care about your feelings, and keep your blankety blank opinions to yourself".

See, he was way, way worse than he is now, and for that I'm thankful.

I really want him to get a car though, because mine is getting a lot more wear and tear and he just doesn't treat his things nicely, and I'm super careful with mine.
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« Reply #21 on: July 24, 2015, 08:01:18 AM »

I really want him to get a car though, because mine is getting a lot more wear and tear and he just doesn't treat his things nicely, and I'm super careful with mine.

Remember... ."really wanting" a pwBPD to do something... works well... .or not?

How can this be handled with boundaries?

Your concern seems to be additional wear and tear on your car... .how can YOU fix the issue that YOU are concerned about... .?

FF
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« Reply #22 on: July 24, 2015, 12:37:41 PM »

Excerpt
Well, I actually know that "insisting" doesn't work with BPDh.

It actually doesn't go over well to insist another adult DO anything. We can ask.  We can exert influence which can work when we have established good relations.  Some resort to using threats or intimidation but that  is always short live  has back-lash, and breaks connections.  What another adult does is based on their choice, not our insistence or our demands. Always. Grown ups don't like to be bossed around. Period. 

Excerpt
I might insist(which I never do, actually), but he blows it off, and just ignores me.

Excerpt
I don't actually think I've exerted ANY control over him.

Of course not. We don't exert control over another adult, unless you are a prison guard and the state grants you that authority.

This is why good boundaries (eyes on your own paper) makes for better, healthier relating dynamics all around.

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« Reply #23 on: July 24, 2015, 01:10:37 PM »

Yeah, I haven't even mentioned the car thing, although I'd still like to insist he get one... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Just because I know my insisting or nagging, or whatever, would do any good. He doesn't listen to anyone, it seems. He's had issues with past bosses for years. He just hates other people's opinions too, basically.

Most things I just let go, but I'm sick of him driving me car. He's an extremely aggressive driver too, and he doesn't like to park far out in the lot(which I do to avoid door dings). My worry IS about my car, and because I was constantly being stranded.

I guess I just keep enforcing the boundary: Him drive his bike, leave the car with me.

That still means that we drive my car around anytime to go anywhere. His car was always the primary car, and we'd bought mine just as the "spare" car.

I think my saying I was going to insist got taken the wrong way. Trust me, I never get to make any decisions or have a say in anything, and for the most part, I'm okay with that(and when I'm not I speak up), but I guess this was just sort of the final straw for me. He wanted me to move here, now I'm sort of isolated, and having my car at my disposal meant a lot to me.

And I definitely have my eyes on my own paper. I'm always looking for ways "I" can change or get along better with him. It's exhausting.

Then he'll say something like "marriage shouldn't be this hard", not seeing how hard I work to make this work, all in the face of his anger and craziness. It's hard, because he makes things hard. No healthy, stable person, would think the things he does is okay. If he wants it to be easier, he needs to look at himself, not just ME, because I'm already working on ME, and how I interact with him.
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« Reply #24 on: July 24, 2015, 05:30:16 PM »

I guess I just keep enforcing the boundary: Him drive his bike, leave the car with me.

You are really close to "best" on describing your boundary.  Remember... .your boundary is what you control... ."your property"

Do you control if he drives his bike (rides... whatever... .I'm not a bike guy... )?

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« Reply #25 on: July 26, 2015, 04:13:20 PM »

Excerpt
And I definitely have my eyes on my own paper. I'm always looking for ways "I" can change or get along better with him. It's exhausting.

Hmmm. 

Always trying to 'change' to get along better with someone else does sound exhausting. What if it was... .

And I definitely have my eyes on my own paper. I am always looking for ways to stay mindful of  my responsibility to take good care of myself, and finding creative, healthy ways to meet my own needs and boundaries so that I am not left feeling like I have to manage another person's possible emotional response or feel  'dependent' on another person's emotions, attitudes, whims, approval, etc. to feel 'OKAY'.  And I don't expect or require someone else to be responsible for MY happiness and my emotional responses, either.   

Taking care of yourself ... .as in eyes on own paper... .can take energy, because life does take energy and thought and attention.  But, taking care of yourself generally doesn't have that same exhausting quality that comes with over-functioning or over accommodating for another (fragile) grown adult.  Co dependent dynamics are always sticky and exhausting.  If I hear myself say things about my role like "It's exhausting... .I am bending over backwards... .I give and give and give with little in return... .I'm the one doing all the hard work in this relationship... ."... .this is my 'cue' that I'm falling into codependent thinking and actions. 

I then try to get back in touch with being mindful about my responsibility to take care of myself so well that I have NO argument or issue with what someone else may or may not be doing.  If you need your car, that's a boundary.  You are responsible for taking care of yourself and your own boundaries.   Let him be responsible for himself and his own boundaries.  He probably needs a car, too.  He has money from the insurance company with which to buy a car, or he can ride his bike, etc., etc.  If you take super good care of yourself, you are not enmeshed or embroiled in how he takes care of himself, or not.  That's his business.  You take care of you.  That way you are not focused on someone else, feeling exhausted and put out all the time... .you are focused kindly and mindfully only on what YOU can control, which is only ever YOU.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #26 on: July 28, 2015, 12:32:47 AM »

Well, he's respecting my boundary in regard to the car. He still has not bought one, and that's his choice. He's been riding his motorcycle. He asked me to take a ride with him on it the other night, and I declined. He's so good at saying "no", but he isn't very good at hearing it. I didn't feel like riding, as I feel it's dangerous, and I've taken several rides with him just to be "nice", and gotten zero gratitude, so I politely declined.

I'm sure if it rains, he'll want to drive the car. Just today he was complaining about how hot he gets on his motorcycle. I just agreed that it probably is. If it rains, I guess he'll get wet.

I think the car has become my line in the sand. I probably have attached and locked into this more because of the tough few weeks, that's true. It's still true though that I need to have boundaries, and I was feeling isolated not having a car. I control me, and only me.

Tomorrow, I'm making it a point to stop letting his judgements of me matter so much to me too. It's almost like his judgements of me have started to have control over me, and how I act/react. I think that was definitely sort of codependent. He'd gripe, I'd try to work on myself. He's constantly wanting to sweeten his deal. I think I need to be more matter of fact, and stick to my boundaries, and look out for MY feelings.
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