Mind over matter ? In constant doubt over future

[Bress]

My wife (got suckered in just last April), has not been diagnosed with BPD (yet) but all signs and other professionals that hear my story make me 99% sure she has it.

I have accepted unacceptable behaviour in the past (cyberattack on me, insulting my children indirectly, destroying valuable things in moments of rage, insinuating threats to my ex-wife, not respecting boundaries i had set, the list goes on... .)

Right now i have moved out of our place and staying in a hotel. Looking for something until end september at least. She is behaving perfectly now, without me, tells me she misses and longs for me. I suggested a real diagnose and she agreed to do that. Shes seeing a psychologist once a week but she is convinced the cause of her "problem" is alcohol, nothing else. I really disagree.

I just dont know what to do : should i follow my head and just end it or leave the door open because my feelings are so strong ? Give her the chance to diagnose, work and see each other from time to time ?

It's a continuous battle

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Bress,

Welcome aboard. 

I can understand the frustration of your wife not receiving a BPD diagnosis. Sometimes it does take awhile to receive a BPD diagnosis,  psychologists/psychiatrists tend to weed out other similar disorders, such as PTSD, Bipolar, Depressive Disorder, etc. before they make an "official diagnosis."  On the other hand, there are psychologists/psychiatrists that do not "diagnose" BPD, due to the stigma attached and primarily focus on maladaptive behaviors and accompanying symptoms, such as depression and anxiety.  Especially, since your wife has a substance abuse problem, it is highly probable that the psychologist is working on the alcoholism first, before the psychologist focuses on the maladaptive behavior. It is very common for a psychologist/psychiatrist with a dual diagnosis to focus on substance abuse first.  How did your wife get suckered?

I have endured the continuous battle of unacceptable behavior from my person with BPD (pwBPD) in the past.  One thing that I have learned is that I cannot change my pwBPD's behaviors or thoughts, I can only change my own. The motto on the staying board, is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." Primarily, the improvement or change in my relationship came from me and how I contributed.  Take a look at the lessons on the right side of this page. They help with gaining a new perspective on your relationship.

What behavior do you have the most trouble coping with?