Feeling pretty deterred because I know same issues will continue

[Daniell85]

Boyfriend and I have not talked during this week. Last Saturday we had a brief discussion, where I wasn't too enthusiastic to talk to him. He was trying to address an issue of this girl he had his affair with about 2 years ago.

To reprise, she is a co-worker and he has about 2 days a month that he has to work with her. Alone. He then has lunch with her on those days. I find it all upsetting, but the point where he is making a choice to have that lunch with her is sending me into massive panic attacks.

She wants to have a relationship with him, so her angle it to get him to pick back up again. He himself says the affair "was not smart" and he is very impatient with my continued upset when he feels it is directed at him. My problem about having the panic attack is a current one with the lunches. It scares the heck out of me.

Additionally, this woman contacts me periodically. According to him I am not supposed to be offensive to her because it can create more drama which is he afraid will get inflicted on him in the job arena.

So I block her wear I can or ignore her typically if I can't get away. She has been approaching me recently. She is implying that he is being really good to her and that I don't know "all of the facts". This has been going on for ages. It's stressful to me. It ramps up my anxiety.

He knows she does this. He saw her pull something the other day. Instead of addressing it with her, he addresses it with me. He says don't let her get to me. That my imagination is coming up with terrible thoughts about what is happening ( and he is right!) and then I react out of fear and panic. He tried to pat and soothe. He doesn't want me getting way upset.

I am running into some issues here that I don't know how to resolve. I don't agree with the lunches. I feel I am being tormented by that woman. And most of all, I feel he is defaulting to putting the burden on me to tolerate something that he is creating. It is for me an ominous environment. He is very invalidating ( its all in your head!) and the projection onto me is that I am mentally ill/weak and should be able to tolerate the situation enough not to have big panic attacks and ruin our relationship over it.

At this point, since he gave me the last ST for 6 weeks, though we have talked a couple of times, I feel the futility of trying to even talk to him about nice things. I just think to myself, what is the point of trying to build up something and have this situation that I already know is causing huge panic attacks.

I need some help here. Is this actually a situation most people could/would tolerate without being afraid or worried or upset at the continued lunches?

I feel like I am not really getting over the affair because of the continued interaction he is having with her.

I know he is waiting for me to do the usual, show up happy be ok, be "healed", make the effort to tolerate his work situation. Deal with her poking at me and TRUST him instead.

I just don't really feel I can trust him because he is ignoring the effect his VOLUNTARY taking her to lunch on the days they work together. My feeling is eff her, she can buy her own dam lunch and sit alone while he goes and gets his lunch elsewhere.

Mean while, I just have nothing to say to him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

I am running into some issues here that I don't know how to resolve. I don't agree with the lunches. I feel I am being tormented by that woman. And most of all, I feel he is defaulting to putting the burden on me to tolerate something that he is creating.

He can try to put the burden on you. It is up to you as to whether or not you accept it. The only person's actions that you can control are your own. Is there a reason for YOU to interact with this woman? You do not have to honor his wishes to be nice to her. If you don't want to interact with her, then don't.

I need some help here. Is this actually a situation most people could/would tolerate without being afraid or worried or upset at the continued lunches?

I think a lot of people would be upset if their partner continued to regularly interact with somebody that was an affair partner.

There are two sides to this. One, it is perfectly okay to be hopping mad, insecure, or whatever it is that you are feeling about this situation.

This reminds me of a situation that I had with my husband. He was engaged to somebody else before he met me. This lady would approach him and talk to him like they were best friends if she saw him when we went back to his home town. She friended him on FB and would post on his stuff like they were best buddies. I was never quite comfortable with it. She friended me and she and I were friends on FB for a while. When my husband and I were working through some things, I told him that I wasn't comfortable with him having her as a friend. There was something about her that made me uncomfortable. I had been saying that for years. For years, I sat with my discomfort knowing that it was mine. I could tell him how I felt but that didn't guarantee that he would do anything about it. When he finally did unfriend her, she posted on MY wall telling me that my husband was in trouble with her, blah, blah, blah. I point blank asked her if there was something going between her and my husband. I started out trying to be nice and explain the situation to her. She kept digging in and telling me how people in that area know everybody and it was like one big family and how I just don't understand.

I let her have it. She unfriended me and hasn't said one word to my husband since. It took my husband 17 friggin' years to unfriend this person even though I had expressed discomfort about her for years.

I couldn't control her actions or my husband's. I could only control mine. I can share my feelings about situations but that doesn't guarantee that my husband will do anything about it. I have to find ways to soothe myself and deal with things as they are rather than how I want them to be.

I feel like I am not really getting over the affair because of the continued interaction he is having with her.

I think that is a fairly normal reaction to have. Do you think it is possible for you to move beyond it while he still has interactions with her? His actions have shown that it isn't likely that he is going to change what he is doing. Can you accept that?

I know he is waiting for me to do the usual, show up happy be ok, be "healed", make the effort to tolerate his work situation. Deal with her poking at me and TRUST him instead.

What reason do you have to trust him? I have asked my husband that question several times, "What reason do I have to trust you?" What actions are you taking to show me that you are not repeating old patterns?

I think expecting you to magically be healed is unrealistic. I have been trying to communicate that with my husband. I am trying to work through this stuff but it takes time. I am not going to sweep this stuff under the rug and go on like nothing has happened. In the past, that is what would happen. Something would happen and then it would get pushed aside without ever really being resolved. That added up to a whole lot of hurts for me. Now, I am trying to reassure him that I am not going anywhere. Not going anywhere is not the same as pushing things under the rug and pretending it didn't happen.

[Daniell85]

ok, she is friends with him on facebook. Along with another ex. I have never been comfortable with either one. Kind of like your situation, both ladies have made it clear that they feel they still have a special relationship with him. His reasoning for not unfriending is he believes it will cause a bunch of drama. The kind of drama that doesn't stop.

Maybe I am wrong, but I feel he prefers to see me in an upset anxious state all the time rather than having boundries. He refuses to change the situation.

I feel triangulated. He insists any "bad things" about it all is purely in my head. He actually made clear to me numerous times that until I show I am ok with it, and with HIS choice on it, he will not remove them as "friends". When he feels I am not trying to push him into doing it, THEN he will remove them. That is, when I am no longer upset, he will remove them.

I think that is deliberate cruelty. He thinks I don't respect his boundries. I respect boundries, but I am also someone he wants as his girlfriend and eventually his wife. I may be wrong, but most men in that position are more interested in fidelity and be kind to their partner over being kind to exes who are taunting their partner and trying to upset them.

I have not been able to find peace on that one.

I would very much like to have a productive conversation "what are you doing to help me trust you?"

Conversations like that always end in a tantrum and an attack on me. Basically if he says I am "safe" then I am safe. And he doesn't have to prove it. Or anything. If I show doubt, he becomes spiteful. Because he can't be in a relationship where he is not trusted. And my response is, ok how about we come up with ideas to work on re-establishing trust.

No can do, he says. All of your fears are in your own head. I can't help you with that.

Really?

[Daniell85]

also, he is continuing to block me on facebook.   It all seems hostile and stupid to me. He wants me here, but he treats me like my feelings cannot be hurt?

I have sat here and I am afraid to even speak to him. Probably get more silent treatment. It's all BS to me. Deliberate nasty ugly intentional behavior that is meant to hurt me because I have problems trusting someone who cheated on me. Just to get back at me for my upset.

I am trying to find the value in this relationship. I am wondering if it just doesn't matter if I love him, when he acts like a 14 year old mean girl at me.

[vortex of confusion]

ok, she is friends with him on facebook. Along with another ex. I have never been comfortable with either one. Kind of like your situation, both ladies have made it clear that they feel they still have a special relationship with him. His reasoning for not unfriending is he believes it will cause a bunch of drama. The kind of drama that doesn't stop.

I have a couple of thoughts about this. One is that he is probably afraid of cutting them off. Some women can be kind of crappy about that sort of thing. Given the drama that happened between me and my husband's ex when he unfriended her, I started to understand why he didn't do it sooner. He had actually tried once before but the lady contacted me about it and refriended him. That time, he added her back because it was easier to add her and just let her exist on his FB page than it was to set boundaries.

One of the things with my husband (and this may be the case for your BF as well) is that he has crappy boundaries. A person with crappy boundaries tramples over other people's boundaries and is unable to set boundaries for themselves. They see you being upset with them as the end of the world because they don't see that you are an individual that is entitled to her own thoughts and feelings.

Maybe I am wrong, but I feel he prefers to see me in an upset anxious state all the time rather than having boundries. He refuses to change the situation.

It may be that he is incapable of changing the situation. I know that sounds like a cop out. I know from my own experience that I wasted a whole lot of energy thinking that my husband refused to change the situation. I would find myself thinking, "Why can't he change it? If he loved me as much as he claims to, he would find a way to change the situation." That line of thinking on my part accomplished nothing. All it did was send me chasing my own tail around in circles.

My husband is so helpless at times that he can't see the end of his own nose. It isn't that he wanted to see me upset and anxious. He didn't want that at all. He didn't know how to go about changing things because it was too overwhelming. If he did things to make me happy, then that would make somebody else unhappy. If he changed this, then that would mess up something else. In the end, he did nothing. It took me changing things on my side without worrying about what he was doing.

When you say things like "he prefers to see me in an anxious upset state", that is trying to guess his motives. It is an attempt at mind reading and that rarely works. Instead of worrying about what he prefers, worry about what you want and prefer.

I feel triangulated. He insists any "bad things" about it all is purely in my head. He actually made clear to me numerous times that until I show I am ok with it, and with HIS choice on it, he will not remove them as "friends". When he feels I am not trying to push him into doing it, THEN he will remove them. That is, when I am no longer upset, he will remove them.

That is hogwash. To me, that sounds like manipulation. My guess is that if you do get to a point where you are okay with it, you might get hit with, "Oh, if you are okay with it now, then why do I need to remove them?" It is a game. Can you not play the game by ignoring it and not bringing up who he does or doesn't have as friends on FB?

I think that is deliberate cruelty. He thinks I don't respect his boundries. I respect boundries, but I am also someone he wants as his girlfriend and eventually his wife. I may be wrong, but most men in that position are more interested in fidelity and be kind to their partner over being kind to exes who are taunting their partner and trying to upset them.

I am right there with you on this thinking. At least that is where I used to be. I used to wonder why the heck my husband would be nicer to an ex than he was to me. It made no sense as to why he was so worried about the drama an ex might create over him unfriending them yet didn't seem concerned that my feelings were hurt because he seemed to care more about her than me. It made no sense to me. Actually, that is still a source of hurt for me. How the heck could my husband of so many years e-mail these other women and have some of them on FB and seem to care more about them and get more excited about them than me? I still don't have an answer to that question. I can only speculate. Speculating about it is another one of those things that sends me chasing my tail.

Conversations like that always end in a tantrum and an attack on me. Basically if he says I am "safe" then I am safe. And he doesn't have to prove it. Or anything. If I show doubt, he becomes spiteful. Because he can't be in a relationship where he is not trusted. And my response is, ok how about we come up with ideas to work on re-establishing trust.

It took a long time for me to get my husband to see that I don't listen to words. I listen to actions. Things did get really ugly for a while because he would insist that I trust him because he said that he was going to follow through, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't recommend doing this but at one point I sat down and showed him how many times he said he was going to do x, y, or z but didn't. I don't feel like his actions have given me reason to trust him. I don't know what finally clicked in him but it seems like now he might actually get why I don't trust him on some things.

No can do, he says. All of your fears are in your own head. I can't help you with that.

That is a horribly invalidating statement. When is the last time you sat down and asked yourself why you want to continue this relationship? What reason do you have? If the only answer is, "I love him", then you might consider taking love out of the equation long enough to evaluate things with a bit more of a clear head. Loving somebody does not mean that they get to treat you like crap. Loving somebody does not give that other person license to violate your boundaries. Sometimes, loving somebody involves looking at things and deciding that walking away for now is the healthier thing to do. If you walk away for now, that doesn't eliminate the possibility of revisiting the relationship after you get some distance and get out of the FOG.

[Daniell85]

I wanted to continue the relationship because it seemed we were moving in the direction back to where we began the relationship. It had gotten so much better, then he snapped that day on face book and blocked me, then gave me the 6 weeks of silent treatment.

Maybe I should be more resilient about what he did. Understand the BPD impulse and associated shame he may be feeling. I know for him taking back what he does by changing ( for example unblocking me) is him admitting he was wrong and "bad".

This time around I didn't make some big effort to re-engage him. I felt a lot of hope before, but this time, it's like it kicked something out of me and the continued blocking is re-enforcing how I feel. I mostly just look at him sometimes on Skype and say nothing.

I did log into facebook and see me still blocked. I left a message on Skype asking him if there is a reason for the continued blocking. To the point he appears available everywhere else, so ... .?

He is set to online, but he has not answered. I don't think he is actually there.

Regarding the "if he cared" scenarios. Probably you are right, I am comparing apples and oranges. I do know he has one ex on his page because she creates drama otherwise. He doesn't seem to have very good boundries at all. It's scary to me, because I am afraid what happened will happen again.

Thanks for your insight 

[Daniell85]

well he answered. of course I am all to blame that he blocked me.

He said he is not ready to unblock me and is worrying about it.

ffs. he caused the whole mess. what I am supposed to say? I asked specifically what the issue for him is. Refusal to respond.

I just feel like it is manipulation to try and force me to take the blame. Someone help

[Daniell85]

also, how does it make sense to be available elsewhere while blocking me on facebook?

[scarletviolet]

sorry but i think he is the one tormenting you and not the other woman... .my two cents... .

[Daniell85]

he added a tidbit for me. he said this is often how he feels about me. He says I am Margo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ou-toAow1c

[Daniell85]

basically I invalidated him by trying to have a conversation with him after he said he wasn't ready to unblock me on face book and that he was "worried".

So because I didn't immediately say "ok" ( invalidated him) he retaliated when I tried to talk by linking the video to me. He's done that a lot and I asked him to stop. He said :

"just for you to understand. it will make you mad, I am sorry. Probably you will understand how it looks from my perspective sometimes. "

Understand? I guess I am the one with the BPD. I lost my cool.

[takingandsending]

Daniell85,

That's pretty awful. Ask yourself this one question: would you actually treat anyone the way your bf is treating you? If the answer is no, then you should listen to what you know isn't right and put a boundary in place. No ST, no comparisons of your feelings to cartoon caricatures, no more abuse. You don't do this to others, and you will not accept it being done to you. He can act or not act in agreement with that boundary. But do not chase him. You are just feeding his distorted perceptions and inadvertently validating them. Take care of yourself. Like VOC said, find out what you want and need and act on that.

And I apologize for being blunt, that video was hurtful and absurd. Basically, if you are to take it at face value, he believes you are crazy, people will thank if he allows you to kill yourself and oh yeah, you are somehow manipulating him. And there wasn't a single feeling of his in that.

[Daniell85]

I am pretty upset about the video.

What he does is pull up that kind of thing and say SOMETIMES I feel this way. Or RIGHT NOW I feel this way.

These are the kinds of things I panic on. Basically what I did was get caught up in a major JADE episode.

No, I would never treat anyone that way. It doesn't even occur to me.

And allow me to kill myself? He was angry at me about a year ago and told me to kill myself. Then he blocked me for 3 months. I guess I am starting to understand BPD now.

[Daniell85]

Wanted to add that I don't think he is taking in any impact of this on me. I mean I can tell him those things, no videos, no ST, etc. And he will just do it anyway if he gets mad at me.

I told him tonight after he did it, lets call it a day then. He is basically pushing me into complete disengagement or removing him from my life. I told him I had enough of it and let's finish the job. And he is refusing.

I guess if I want him gone, I default to ignoring him. If I still hope things to work out, I default to... .ignoring him right now.

Not much of a choice. He's just sat there refusing to do anything. I am going to bed. I guess in the meantime he may find someone else to make feel bad :/

[formflier]

  He's just sat there refusing to do anything. 

Daniell85,

 

Can you take a couple days break from talking to him... looking on skype, FB?  My hope is that you can create some space for you to think about what you want and deserve.

FF

[Daniell85]

I think I am responsible for this latest episode.

I asked him a simple question, to which he answered honestly.

The conversation took place on Skype, so I was able to go back and read it today. I can see a half a dozen opportunities for validating him, and for drawing boundries. Instead I did JADE and he reacted to it by linking the video. I could have enforced my prior boundrey regarding the request not to link those kinds of videos to me, by saying "I am not going to watch the video, and have asked you not to link them to me. I understand you are not ready to unblock. Have a good night." Then exit conversation.

Ok, I can intellectually understand the tools, but my anxiety is so high that currently I am not able to apply the tools.

An aspect of panic attacks for me is that at the height of the panic attack, if I am being taunted or attacked, I can lose control of myself and lash out. It's not an effective thing and I really try to back out before it happens.

So basically I put myself into a situation I shouldn't have and messed up.  Lesson learned. Sadly, in the middle of this, the affair chick showed up on facebook to make fun of me telling me he told her I was angry at him and how much he was saying he hates me. I blocked her. THAT was when I actually lost temper.

Yes, FF, I can take a break on the Skype and facebook stuff. Boyfriend actually deactivated his account some time earlier today. It has typically been a part of him withdrawing.

He is still on Skype. The logic of all of this escapes me.  I don't intend to speak to him. He is back to ST after he shot the video at me. I told him to delete me as a contact, he is ignoring that.

But, yes. I hear you   Despite all of that, I will take a break on it.

I am really daunted about the panic stuff. It feels to me like I will never be able to control it. It feels like a life sentence. I am sad and angry about it.

I see my therapist this coming Wednesday. I hope it helps.

[formflier]

An aspect of panic attacks for me is that at the height of the panic attack, if I am being taunted or attacked, I can lose control of myself and lash out. It's not an effective thing and I really try to back out before it happens.


I see my therapist this coming Wednesday. I hope it helps.

From reading your story... you have an incredible amount of self insight... .the ability to look at yourself and identify issues to work on... .issues that are controlling you when they shouldn't.

When you sit down with your T... .before getting into the story... .please clearly tell her that you believe panic/anxiety is issue #1 and that you need a strategy to deal with it.

Please consider a formal eval with a P that the T works with.  Maybe also a formal workup/physical with your GP... lots of labs.  Let's leave no stone unturned

Panic sucks... .remember... .I have faced it.  I don't like to say it's cured... but I do like to say it is in remission. 

2nd issue for working on with T... .

I'm in this r/s because... .(fill in the blank)

 

FF

[Daniell85]

I was thinking about the conversation he and I had a couple of weeks ago on the phone. Essentially he bagged the whole mess up and handed it to me , saying this is all yours to deal with and don't come back until you can deal with all of it without bothering me about it or bothering me when I do shady things.

And that is a major aspect of the entire relationship. If I can cope without holding him responsible, then we are all good. Obviously I am not coping. I am not able to cope now with any hostility coming from him, almost immediately a panic attack begins.

I am really sad today. You know, those panic attacks are exhausting and demoralizing.

Dealing with the panic attacks is first in line. My therapist is thinking on the best strategy forward.

[formflier]

I was thinking about the conversation he and I had a couple of weeks ago on the phone. Essentially he bagged the whole mess up and handed it to me , saying this is all yours to deal with and don't come back until you can deal with all of it without bothering me about it or bothering me when I do shady things.

Can you do this... .?  What you have put up there above in the quote. 

Separate issue of "should" you do this. 

This is your call to make... .no judgement from us.  We can advise you on tools and support you... .but there are critical times in a r/s where you have to look at the situation and say can this work... .can I do this.

Depending on the answer... .we can support you on how to go forward.

FF

[Daniell85]

Should... .no, I don't think I should. What I think is that right now I can't do anything due to the panic issues. So that needs addressed first. For me, for my own life.

Then, still, I don't think I should. I think I should always handle *my* side of the street. To jump start things, probably I will have to look to him like I am doing a lot until he realizes I am not a *threat* to him like I have been. That is I am not going to be having the panic attacks, going to pieces. He is not going to feel he is always getting "blamed".

A lot of his shady actions slow way down or just disappear when he feels he is not having to hide things from me because I will freak out.

So what I am saying is  probably he and I could cope increasingly well as time goes on without all of the upsets. I am willing to give it some real effort. If the effort produces no results after a reasonable period of time, I am also willing to walk away for my own emotional and life health.

RIGHT NOW, though, I can't do what he appears to be asking. Hope that doesn't get me redirected to the undecided board. I like you guys  

[formflier]

RIGHT NOW, though, I can't do what he appears to be asking. Hope that doesn't get me redirected to the undecided board. I like you guys  

It's fine to keep one foot in either board for a while.  

I think you are looking at yourself well... .and I think you are probably correct that right now you "can't" do it.

Handling panic will give you benefits regardless of how you decide to move forward in this r/s.

I would also ask you to consider why you seem to want to give him a pass on shady behavior... or hold yourself responsible for his shady behavior. 

Is he responsible for your behavior?

Big issues to think about... .

FF

[Daniell85]

Pass on his behavior...

This is what happens with that: he refuses almost all of the time to take responsibility for his own choices. I have heard a lot "not my fault". I called him on that so much, he stopped saying that.

What he does say or do, and I will give a current example : He refuses to tell me on the days he has to work with his former ( I hope) affair girl. He will go about his day as if it is any other day. Usually by the end of the day I have caught on and start asking about it. So he lies to me. Eventually he will admit what he did and that he took her to lunch.

My own feeling is this is shady behavior. I have asked him to tell me so I don't find out other ways. She LOVES to find a way to tell me. My reasoning for telling me is I don't have the upset of finding out from HER, or him lying to me. My point is even if I don't like what he is doing, at least I know he can be trusted.

He says NO WAY. He is not going to tell me and end up dealing with my "sh*t storm".

So basically he informs me that he is lying because I will get upset he is taking her to lunch and spending the day working with her.

Ok, you are probably thinking, DOES Danielle get upset and give him a nasty bout of grief?

I have at times. It's gotten way worse when I find him lying to me. The last time it happened, he created layers of lies to try and deceive me. I was VERY upset about the lies. Way more than him doing something I feel is shady.

I stayed fairly calm, but he got pretty nasty and I tried to reason with him (JADE) and he ended up saying GOODNIGHT! and hanging up on me. He was furious. I felt really hurt.

So by his logic, it's all my fault he does this because I give him grief. And it's true, people choose sometimes to lie to protect themselves from conflict.

I guess I was basically saying that if he wasn't afraid to tell me the truth, maybe he wouldn't lie and conceal and get so defensive. I don't agree with his actions, but on a practical level, I don't know what else to do, except tell him I will end the relationship on the next lie he tells, and that is a scary boundry to enforce.

[formflier]

 

This isn't logical... .this is an emotions based thing... .so trying to "follow the logic"... .will most likely lead to a black hole.

He doesn't "feel" like he is responsible for the affair and the woman and the lunches... .he "feels" persecuted by you (most likely).  From his point of view... his feelings are valid. 

Note:  I think his behavior is ridiculous... .but that is not the core issue... .(IMO).

You feel betrayed... .you feel like he feels you shouldn't feel betrayed... .you don't feel you are persecuting him... .you feel like you are holding him accountable for his actions.

He doesn't feel he should be held accountable by you or anyone else.


Do I have it about right? 

FF

[Daniell85]

OK, I will tell you what he says.

Specifically his "logic" for the meals with her is that he has to work with her all day. About 2 times a month. He knows that a workplace affair if complained about could lose him his job. He has said he knows he messed up badly. This girl he had the affair with wants a relationship. He hurt her a lot. So she pushes at him and he has tried to disentangle, so she starts implying she will file a complaint.

HIS idea is to suck it up and gradually bore her so completely she stops the persuit and doesn't cause a scene. So he says to me over time he will be working less and less with her. And it has become less. So it's "better".

So he has become better about understanding why his actions have repercussions and that it's "his" fault. But he doesn't want any input from me on it. That is my anxiety, my questioning, my panic attacks. He is extremely defensive and I am extremely triggery of anything that smacks of deception, weird little events.

So we collide. He gets angry and starts with sarcasm, mean videos, making cruel little comments, bullying. He is trying to get me to back off. He says he is tired of being told he is "bad". I know he has a lot of shame and he is really protective of have to feel the burn of it. To him, its like no one ever forgets his mistakes.

I know I play a part here in how this stuff is ramping up. My anxiety issues are triggering off almost all of these arguments.

It is very rare for him to approach me with any issues he has about me. He waits until there is a disagreement to complain. Most of his complaints are centered around feeling bad because he believes I am not remembering HE can be hurt by me, too.

He isn't here, I can only work on me. He grew up in an extremely critical and controlling family. I think when that anger and shame he has gets tapped into, he loses sight of everything else.

So no, he does not like ANYONE trying to hold him accountable.

[formflier]

 

So... .are you ok with his plan to deal with the woman and the workplace affair.  It appears he is taking action and has a plan.

If you are... .then somehow need to work on putting the past... .in the past.

If you aren't... .then you have some decisions to make... .it would appear he has decided what he is going to do and how he is going to handle it... .correct?

If I don't have the picture clear... please let me know.

FF

[Daniell85]

He has decided what he is going to do.

He also told me that he doesn't want to do what I am asking (stop the shared lunches) because I haven't made him feel good about me so he WANTS to do it. So he is deliberately making a choice to do it and pointing to me to make him feel positive enough about me that my feelings matter in what he is doing.

That is specifically I am to be ok with his choice, and then when he feels I am accepting his choice ( not asking for something else or getting upset about what he is doing... he wants respect for his choice) THEN he will stop doing it.

I haven't been in agreement with that sort of thing. I agree he can make his own choices, obviously he is. And it is raising my level of anxiety and I have a lot of panic attacks around the situation. Do you understand. He had an affair and is deliberately having more contact with the other lady than he actually HAS to. And he claims he is doing it because I have been so upset about it. My upset over the affair and the hurt= me not accepting HE gets to choose his own decisions.

It's his messy and uncaring thinking and actions that I am disagreeing with. Not that he doesn't get to make his own choices.

I just haven't been able to stay calm all the time and enforce boundries. I was having some luck in the last year doing that, but he exploded all over the place, blocked me, and so on.

[Daniell85]

Also, I am kind of having a problem keeping my feelings stable. I have so much anger and disgust.

I was just sitting here thinking tonight, I can't remember ever being hateful to a loved one who has approached me in anxiety. I can't imagine making fun of someone for it who mattered to me even a little.

I have got a real problem with this. It's like anytime I talk to my boyfriend, I am terrified of what he is going to pull out of his hat. really bothering me tonight

[formflier]

 

It seems to me... .we have two separate issues... .

Anxiety... .which you seem to be working on.  With a good T... .I suspect you will get this under control.

Boyfriend has different view of how the r/s should work. (the rules)

It appears that he understands what you want... .and is not ok with it.

This seems to be causing quite a bit of distress and is not helping anxiety.

Can you list out behaviors/choices that you suspect you can eventually "look past" and accept?

Maybe list out some others that you believe are deal breakers.

That list would be something to discuss with your T.

FF

[Daniell85]

So much of my anxiety is tied into his cheating.

The little conflict we had a couple of days ago has led to him concealing himself on Skype again. He also went and vented to the affair girl who contacted me to make fun of me and tell me they are together again and for me to give up.

I know they aren't together again and she is trying to exploit the situation to hurt me. I am hurt. I had put off blocking her because I was worried about his job. I care, but she is his problem, not mine. That he vented to her feels to me like another big betrayal.

Sometimes after these things happen, it can take me a few days to really take on how I actually feel about what has happened.

It's easier to say what are becoming deal breakers. Here is the list:

-Cheating

-Sharing my personal confidences to him with people who try to hurt me

-silent treatments that are clearly meant to cause me distress

-making fun of me ( mean videos, mocking me, degrading me)

- not observing healthy boundries with other women

-projecting blame on me for his behavior and then punishing me for it

-lying

I can't accept those behaviors long term. I can see where some of them go mostly away if he is not dysregulating. If I am not panicking, and seem chill and calm, he just doesn't do them.

I don't have problems with so may things the other people here on this site have.

The main problem I am having is that he is disrespectful and nasty to me for my fear with him due to his cheating and continued contact with that woman.

Really, what is it saying about where things really are with her if he vented about me to her?

Essentially if I can recover from the panic attacks and anxiety, he stops most of the behaviors.

I can't live with a cheater. Dealbreaker.

[takingandsending]

Daniell85,

Is there a way you can take trying to understand/figure out/read into his intent out of the equation? I know that this is really difficult, but is it possible? I believe that things may simmer down for you if you can do this. Like a lot of us, you are stuck on the drama triangle, moving from victim to persecutor to victim (not sure who does the rescuing in your current dynamic). There's no right place to be on the this triangle - the only thing to do is to step out of it.

My hope is that you can take this list and turn it into your own values and boundaries. These boundaries will serve you well whomever you are interacting with. It's a good list. Is there a way that you can make it your list v. things that you don't want done to you list?

-Cheating

-Sharing my personal confidences to him with people who try to hurt me

-silent treatments that are clearly meant to cause me distress

-making fun of me ( mean videos, mocking me, degrading me)

- not observing healthy boundries with other women

-projecting blame on me for his behavior and then punishing me for it

-lying

This is a suggested possible list - use or discard as appropriate to you. You are dealing with a lot of stress and unhappiness, and it makes everything so much harder when your partner is stonewalling.

- I deserve a partner who is honest and committed to working with me to make our relationship work.

- I engage in civil, respectful communication and will not tolerate or accept any forms of disrespectful communication, including silent treatment

- I am committed to staying open and emotionally safe, and I expect the same from my partner

- I am responsible for my speech and actions, even when I am not proud of what I have said or done, and my partner is likewise responsible for his speech and actions

If you put your list into what it means to you, to your values, you can begin to regain yourself, your sense of personal power, and you can choose in a safe and (self) loving way to step off the drama triangle. Being on the triangle is generating the panic and anxiety. Does this make sense for you in your situation?

I hope it helps.