Feeling pretty deterred because I know same issues will continue

[Daniell85]

Hi Takingandsending

Yes, it makes very good sense.

I am all over the place in the situation. I guess that is the drama triangle. Mainly I have been trying a hundred different things to appease my boyfriend and not having success. I'm worn out on it.

6 weeks of silent treatment, he starts showing up every day and I think it's safe to say would you stop the blocking. Nope, he says. Not ready, he is still scared. Then he makes fun of my hurt and disappointment, he can take me or leave me , etc etc.

It's like what hoop now? how high? does it help if I agree I am crap? wait, I am not crap... I don't cheat! mad, sad, panic, sad, mad...

I think you were better able to express what I meant in a list. I felt just so despondent trying to make one.

My boyfriend is really awesome when he is not doing these things. All I see is a polite retreat right now in order to calm myself and as you say to detach.

I feel afraid. If I don't keep reaching out past his silent treatment, he will be gone. That is my fear.

Then he feels powerful and jerks me around.

You are right, it's not a stable place to be. I will think more on a list.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rotiroti]

   Six weeks silent treatment? I am so sorry that you have to experience that, from someone you love no less.

Have you tried any of the boundary setting tools from the sidebar?

[formflier]

Mainly I have been trying a hundred different things to appease my boyfriend and not having success. I'm worn out on it.

So... are you planing to try one hundred and one times... .or... .are you satisfied that you know how appeasement works?

What do you think is a better plan

[Daniell85]

Nevergain, I tried boundry setting all the last year. My statement of choice was something like... ."I don't feel good about that... or I don't like that, please don't do it... .or I can't (for example) be close to someone who does that".

That was the boundry. Enforcement of the boundry was to politely excuse myself from contact for a few days. "I am stepping away."

If he reached out during those times (rarely because he knows where I am) I gave him a short response.

It worked to some degree. He did stop the behavior for a while, then he was like an air filled balloon. The hurtful behavior would smoosh into a different direction and cause trouble in another area.

Eventually he would get seriously nasty and take a really low blow at me.  An over the top shock attack and I react strongly before I can control the reaction and he uses that upset as an excuse to give silent treatment, etc.

Heh, FF, appeasement doesn't work at all. I feel I am literally left with nothing to do at this time except get on with my own self. I am literally to the point where I have no motivation to do anything for him. I care, but it seems the best I can do is step back for now. He obviously doesn't want to make an effort himself.

What do I do except my therapy and learn things here?

[Daniell85]

Just to be fair to him, I want to add, that he feels very strongly that I am over reacting to his mean things at me. The resulting anxiety I have tends to put me in an even more reactive state after I get lied to, or bullied, or pushed around or whatever. It adds considerably to the general upsets.

I guess I already said that a lot, but I feel pretty guilty about the anxiety stuff.

[takingandsending]

Feeling guilty about your feelings is part of the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that partners of pwBPD often feel. I know that I sure have and often do find I am in that FOG. And that's really what the pwBPD wants, in their maladaptive way of coping with their own feelings. It's what they know and are therefore, in a strange way, comfortable with.

Have you ever looked at or done the exercises in Randi Kreger's "Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook"? I recommend them. They were the first thing that started to help me see the FOG I was in and begin to take steps out of it. I had become so reactive to every charged statement, every blame, every projection. I truly believed that I was a horrible husband - petty, mean spirited, unloving. It didn't feel right, but I just began to accept that this is what I presented to my wife.

Kreger's SWOE workbook exercises helped me to see just how much I had ceded my own power, my dreams, my hopes, my feelings to accommodate my wife. You aren't bad or wrong or a waste or worthless because you tried and failed to accommodate your bf. In the same way, he isn't the huge villian, either. He is someone who has an illness that affects his ability to relate to his own feelings or the feelings of others. When you can begin to regain yourself, you will be stronger to see the good and bad of staying with him and making a choice based on loving kindness. Don't expect that from yourself right now. You are feeling a huge amount of emotions, and you need to allow yourself to feel them and have time to sort them out.

That you wouldn't treat a loved one the way you are being treated speaks enough. Hold on to that. And add yourself to those loved ones in your life. You can't control his actions or thoughts. You can love yourself and take care of your own needs right now.