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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Can exH delegate co-parenting to new (almost)stepmom?  (Read 437 times)
Ulysses
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« on: July 25, 2015, 02:58:48 AM »

I received notice this week that I'm not longer allowed to email my exBPD/NPDh.  I have to use their "family" email which is his first name, his new soulmate's first name, family last name.  They're getting married this summer, don't know if they already are.  So I played along with it, although I cc'd ex's personal email account that I had been using.  The responses I received this week were signed by exH, then by both of them, then the last one, was signed by her (I had to email three times the night before exchange, asking for confirmation of what time it would be - I would have let it go but D7 had an event and I was coordinating drop-off with another parent).

I don't believe exH can wriggle out of communicating with me about raising our children, 12 and 7.  Our parenting plan talks about "agreed-upon activities," and other details indicating we need to communicate about the children.  Does anyone have experience?  I'm so fed up with his junk that I'm thinking about asking my lawyer to send his lawyer a letter.  ExH treats me with disgust and disdain, can't communicate in person with me without getting filled with rage.  And I ended up shaking and crying after engaging with him, although I don't get that way anymore.  Therefore we switched to email.  I think I will let him know that since I have no confidence that I'm communicating with him via email, and not someone else, that I will only communicate over the phone or in person.  Obviously this isn't optimal, but I don't know what else to do.  It's ironic.

Any feedback is much appreciated, especially if you have experience with this.

As an aside, this summer I started setting boundaries.  I refused to pay for childcare (we each take care of our own per the parenting plan, and since I have family who help me, he was left footing a hefty bill for child care; I told him I would send the children to ensure continuity of care, although some days they're with me, they stay home - I was a SAHM for 12 years).  He emailed me at least five times asking, then demanding I pay part of the childcare.  Each time I politely said no, checked with my lawyer.  He has some of my things in storage and told me he was throwing them away at the end of July (gave me 3 weeks notice, hadn't said anything about things until now).  I told him the days I could come to get my things and he never responded.  I invited him to D7 bd party, and told him "fiancée's name" isn't invited.  (I did explain to him that given the children's demeanors and responses, and after working with their therapists, it's too soon for everyone to adjust to these significant changes - our divorce was final in March, the children first found out we were getting divorced last summer, he introduced her to them last summer, maybe before they knew we were getting divorced).  I also angered him this past week by not accepting that he was magnanimous when he refused to return some of the children's items until he was ready, which meant they would have missed their music lessons.  I couldn't adjust my schedule because of work and school, he was off work.  I told him in writing, "I think you're being passive-aggressive about this."  I wish I hadn't.  I'm not perfect, but I don't think he can delegate his co-parenting responsibilities to his latest emotional caretaker.
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« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2015, 03:08:03 AM »

Oh, and I feel I've been letting go of a TON of things.  As an example, D7 tells me last week she has to pack her own lunch, unsupervised.  She doesn't pack enough calories.  She told me what she ate, told me she was so hungry she couldn't run and play before lunch, told me her stomach felt, "cold."  I don't say anything the exBPD/NPDh because it won't do any good.  I HATE that my child is going through this.  He has enough money to feed her, and if he doesn't there are programs to provide her with food.  And she's hungry and I can't help her.  Makes me so angry.  During the school year I leave food in her cubby.  He texts S12 dirty words, jokes, and does it at 11pm and 12am, even though I asked him not to text or call after 9pm.  I put a filter on S12's phone but he figured out a way around it.  Back to the drawing board.  I'm considering blocking exH number on S12's phone and telling him he can call my phone to contact him.  We're allowed a phone call each day, and there have been numerous times exH doesn't make children available for me to talk with.  I'm rambling now, maybe I've been putting up with too much.  This doesn't have much to do with my original post.  Thanks for listening.
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« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2015, 08:51:57 AM »

Well, a couple of thoughts:

Nothing you and his fiance/wife agree to is legally binding. If both their names are signed it's fine because he pointed you to this new email address. But if she's the only name that is signed, then that is no a co-parenting decision. On their end, they are not agreeing that he even knows about it. I'd make him aware of this. You aren't co-parenting with her because she is not a party to the legally binding order/parenting plan. (I assume there is one?)

I'd also carefully word my response so that it doesn't shut the door in her face for communication. You never know, at worst communicating with her could be as bad as with him. But maybe he'll listen to her and be a buffer of relative sanity. Time will tell.

As for the lunch issue. DH and I had that same issue when the kids were living with uBPD mom. We solved it by calling the school and setting it up so we could put money in the kid's hot lunch accounts online. Yes, it was one more thing DH had to pay for that he shouldn't have had to. But the priority was making sure the kids got to eat. It makes it easier if you just resign yourself to the reality that your ex is largely incapable and there is really only one adult in this situation. (Possibly two, if his fiance can act right.)

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Ulysses
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« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2015, 09:27:05 AM »

Thank you for that perspective.  I never considered the legally binding issue.  That's really important!  ExH is an attorney.  We do have court papers. 

I don't believe his latest soulmate is an adult.  I think she's as imbalanced as the previous affair partner, (this is my gut feeling after observing her actions over the last 9 months).  It appears to me that she is exH's knight in shining armour/yes-man/cheerleader, whatever you want to call it.  Mirror, mirror on the wall - he doesn't like the reflection he sees when he looks at me anymore.

There is no lunch program at their school (it's a small private school), that's why I leave food in D's cubby.  At summer daycare there's no lunch program and it's not a good set-up for me to leave food but I'm going to try.  I'm afraid of looking like a bitter ex-wife in so many circumstances, but I need to get over it.
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Turkish
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« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2015, 06:31:37 PM »

Thank you for that perspective.  I never considered the legally binding issue.  That's really important!  ExH is an attorney.  We do have court papers. 

I don't believe his latest soulmate is an adult.  I think she's as imbalanced as the previous affair partner, (this is my gut feeling after observing her actions over the last 9 months).  It appears to me that she is exH's knight in shining armour/yes-man/cheerleader, whatever you want to call it.  Mirror, mirror on the wall - he doesn't like the reflection he sees when he looks at me anymore.

There is no lunch program at their school (it's a small private school), that's why I leave food in D's cubby.  At summer daycare there's no lunch program and it's not a good set-up for me to leave food but I'm going to try.  I'm afraid of looking like a bitter ex-wife in so many circumstances, but I need to get over it.

I totally sympathize with wanting to take care of your child. However, your daughter is clearly being neglected/not provided for on his custodial time. Are you documenting this?

I'm relatively new to the CP thing (1.5 years, little kids). Does anybody else have experience with picking up the slack on the other parent's custodial time? I've done it here and there.
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« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2015, 06:40:26 PM »

FWIW:

My ex's ex ended up signing POA to the new man.  So we did have to communicate to him.
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« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2015, 09:06:53 PM »

Quick reply/question.

Turkish - my attorney said nothing I can do about the inadequate diet.  The courts don't care.  I have a friend who disagrees and videotapes her conversations with her children to admit as evidence (in our state she says you can video but not audio record).

Sunflower:  what is POA?

Thanks.
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« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2015, 09:27:22 PM »

Legal Power of attorney.  She made it so we HAD to legally reply and communicate with him when he emailed and such.  He represented her voice in a sense.
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« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2015, 10:05:33 PM »

That's maddening. Its not like they're feeding her only mac&cheese and hotdogs, but rather not enough food. It might be the only thing to do is to coach D7 on packing a proper lunch, only possible if there are adequate supplies available, of course... I was a latchkey kid (my mom worked nights, slept during the day). I was on my own at that age more often then not. As frustrating as it may be, it might be better to coach her to be more independent. She has the safety of your home to fall back to, which is good.
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« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2015, 12:22:27 AM »

Thanks for your replies. 

Excerpt
It might be the only thing to do is to coach D7 on packing a proper lunch, only possible if there are adequate supplies available, of course...

Yes, I've been doing that.  He doesn't have enough food in his house for her.  I'll continue to show her how to take care of herself.  It's simply pathetic that a parent would treat his child this way.  With our son, he was usually overdoing things, doing, in my opinion, too much for him.  It's like he's done a 180 and now doesn't do much of anything for them.  It is difficult to reduce the conflict when it feels like the rules keep changing and it's tough to get my footing when dealing with him.

I'm contacting my attorney and I will let you know what she says about whether I have to communicate with his partner.
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« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2015, 12:33:37 AM »

That is pathetic. My mom is BPD, but being a hoader, we always had food (even if it was weird, like peanut butter and mayo sandwiches, or dented cans of food from the cannery outlet that I often ate cold). 

Teaching your daughter, and providing for her as best you can seems like the right thing to do.
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« Reply #11 on: July 27, 2015, 12:38:51 AM »

Excerpt
I'm contacting my attorney and I will let you know what she says about whether I have to communicate with his partner.

I would be concerned, especially knowing your ex is a L... .

... .that you will email re an agreement, and he will say that just because you got an email "from him", it was a "family" account, he was not made aware, the agreement doesn't stand because there is no way to confirm or for you to assume that you are actually communicating to him when you know others can be writing back to you and there is not electronic legal signature in the communications.

Edit:

I suspect unless it is a personal account, then it may not be binding communication.  He could know this and it be a way to intentionally hide from being responsible for his words.

Or he can say: I never received that... .the W must have accidentally erased it.
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Ulysses
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« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2015, 02:09:59 AM »

Excerpt
I would be concerned, especially knowing your ex is a L... .

... .that you will email re an agreement, and he will say that just because you got an email "from him", it was a "family" account, he was not made aware, the agreement doesn't stand because there is no way to confirm or for you to assume that you are actually communicating to him when you know others can be writing back to you and there is not electronic legal signature in the communications.

Edit:

I suspect unless it is a personal account, then it may not be binding communication.  He could know this and it be a way to intentionally hide from being responsible for his words.

Or he can say: I never received that... .the W must have accidentally erased it.

Yes!  And my concern is that when I say that then I will appear to be the paranoid, crazy, bitter ex-wife.  I'm really struggling with this.  I think it was a pattern in our marriage, that I would put up with more and more junk until it was just too much.  And maybe it's a pattern with me.

Not only is exNPD/BPDh a lawyer, so is his almost-wife. 

I reminded my attorney of this, and forwarded her the emails they've sent.  They are now all signed either by both of them, or just her.  They're rather rude emails, too. 

I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass.  I'm struggling with it because I feel worthless and so frustrated.  I knew if I couldn't keep our marriage together that he would be remarried asap and that it would hurt so much to have my children in another woman's home.  I hate this so much.

I'm doing some really great things in my life.  I've started graduate school and am acing my first two classes, and enjoying them.  I just finished an annual gig I've done for the last 13 years, that's intense and a lot of fun, and in a theatre in the downtown core.  My sister reminds  me that ex knows I'm doing these things, and could be doing this to undermine me (not consciously, but looking back over our marriage, he did seem to act out when I was doing interesting things, succeeding, etc.).  And I set a boundary a few weeks ago by letting him know he is welcome at D bd party, but this other woman isn't invited.

So far my lawyer's answer has been she doesn't think there's much that can be done.  I hope to speak with her in the next few days.  She mentioned arbitration as a possibility.

It's very tiring that exH has such a stellar reputation as an ethical this and that.  I wish people knew what he did, but somehow I feel like I look like the one who needs mental health help.

As for the food, sorry you had that experience growing up, Turkish.  It sounds like you learned to be very resourceful.  I hope my daughter can look back on things and not hate me for not being able to protect her.  I think my son already treats me with disdain and I feel so powerless and unable to create a safe place for them.  I think I'm just really struggling right now.
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« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2015, 01:39:24 PM »

I'm a smom, and honestly it would be easier if uBPDbm would communicate with me instead of or in addition to DH. My DH is kind of lazy about replying (or sometimes he just puts it off because he doesn't want to deal with the BPD craziness) so it would probably work better if I could be involved (uBPDbm refuses to include me). Him and I discuss and agree to any parenting issues with SD10 anyway before replies go back to uBPDbm because even though legally SD10 isn't my child, schedule changes and things affect my life too. I wouldn't think that communicating with the new partner would be a problem.

It would probably be best for D if you included the new partner instead of immediately refusing to communicate with her. D is going to be around this person often. We all know that this lady isn't her mom, but she will have some sort of parental-ish role in D's life (I know a lot of biomoms don't expect smoms to "parent", but let's face it... .the child is there, a step-parent isn't going to completely ignore them if they misbehave or need guidance or whatever). It would be best for D if you help the new partner to make it a positive role instead of immediately writing her off. D is dealing with an ill parent, a positive nonBPD relationship during that time would be good.
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« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2015, 03:02:36 AM »

Well, an update.

My L says there's nothing legally that can be done about exNPD/BPDh using a family email and signing each email with both of their names.  If I want to I can take it to arbitration and they might give suggestions to exH.  It would be his choice whether to follow them.

L told me essentially it's extremely immature for exH to do this.  She can't imagine he ran this by his L, because she said anyone in family law suggests the stepparent stay out of the parenting relationship.  She said she sees this sometimes and advises against the new partner contacting the parent (except in cases of emergency) or being involved like this.

L didn't seem to think there are legal issues with exH claiming he's not legally responsible for what OW agrees to. 

Sounds like this is just one more thing I get to deal with. 

Regarding your comments, Thunderstruck, I really don't agree with you.  First, there have been so many things I haven't written about on this board that indicate to me this OW/fiancée is not a good role model, is not grounded, is not even completely sane.  It's documented and D therapist is very concerned with what she sees.  She is not a positive role model, nor does she provide a positive relationship (here's one example - she and exH routinely tell my children, ":)on't tell your mother... .," about fairly significant things - therapist is concerned, I'm concerned they'll be ripe for abuse).

Regarding including OW/stepparent, to "make it better" for the children.  Hmmm.  Not in the cards at this point.  I'm only capable of so much, and have no desire to bend anymore. With the devaluation they engage in, it's better for me psychologically to stay away from both of them.  ExH is a backstabber, and from the little I've seen of her in professional circles, so is she.

Excerpt
I'm a smom, and honestly it would be easier if uBPDbm would communicate with me instead of or in addition to DH. My DH is kind of lazy about replying (or sometimes he just puts it off because he doesn't want to deal with the BPD craziness) so it would probably work better if I could be involved (uBPDbm refuses to include me).

Easier?  Maybe, maybe not.  Does control factor into this equation?  I don't know, I'm just throwing out thoughts that come into my head, and my intention is not to antagonize.

Lazy about replying?  Does that make him part of the problem?  Are you feeling the need to make it easier for your H/protect your H?  Again, not trying to antagonize here.

Doesn't want to deal with the craziness?  I'm with him on that one.

I don't know your personal situation.  When I read the paragraph from your post that I highlighted above, it made me wonder about emotional caretaking and co-dependency.  Where does supporting our significant other end and caretaking begin?  That's probably for another post!

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« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2015, 08:31:06 AM »

Regarding your comments, Thunderstruck, I really don't agree with you.  First, there have been so many things I haven't written about on this board that indicate to me this OW/fiancée is not a good role model, is not grounded, is not even completely sane.  It's documented and D therapist is very concerned with what she sees.  She is not a positive role model, nor does she provide a positive relationship (here's one example - she and exH routinely tell my children, ":)on't tell your mother... .," about fairly significant things - therapist is concerned, I'm concerned they'll be ripe for abuse).

Regarding including OW/stepparent, to "make it better" for the children.  Hmmm.  Not in the cards at this point.  I'm only capable of so much, and have no desire to bend anymore. With the devaluation they engage in, it's better for me psychologically to stay away from both of them.  ExH is a backstabber, and from the little I've seen of her in professional circles, so is she.

Again, I think you are writing her off before you even get to know her personally (not from rumors or what other people have said).

But that's your choice. Your D is going to be spending time with the new partner. I'm sorry that it upsets you. I just suggest that since you apparently are the more grounded parent, that you find a way to make the situation good for your child instead of causing fights with the other parents. Working together is better for all than being the "crazy bitter ex wife" stereotype that refuses to communicate with the new wife and won't even let the lady go to the kids birthday party.
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« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2015, 12:30:44 PM »

Hi Ulysses,

Being a parent dealing with a ex's new spouse is tough to navigate for a lot of people. I get that and I've been there.  

For me, when it comes to co-parenting with stepparents, it's really about my values and having boundaries to protect those values.

Personal Value = I believe certain decisions regarding important parenting matters (education, medical, legal, child support) should be discussed only between mom and dad.

Boundary = I will not engage in discussions regarding these kinds of parenting matters when it comes to my own children with anyone but their Dad. I also will not participate in discussions regarding these kinds of parenting matters about other people's children (i.e. I don't discuss these kinds of matters with the mother of my stepchildren)

Expressing that boundary is tricky. I don't want to minimize anyone's role in this. I understand that my ex-husband and his wife are very much a team effort. I will often tell him something and his first response is that he needs to speak with his wife first. That's OK and I respect that. But I'm not going to discuss anything with his wife because that is not part of my value system.

My guess is that your exH's new partner is listening to the horror stories that are being told to her. She also really probably thinks that she's being helpful to her (soon to be) husband -- not realizing that this is placing you all in roles on Karpman's Drama Triangle (click here for more). It just creates an unhealthy dynamic.

A stepmom's participation can play a wonderful role in these situations when she can stay grounded and respect the boundaries/values of both parents. A stepmom's participation can also play a role in furthering conflict when she gets caught up in the Drama Triangle.

I think your situation might be the latter.

So my advice is to get off the triangle. Don't be the bitter ex-wife.

You can do that while adhering to your own values and (gracefully) expressing your boundaries. Don't negatively engage as far as who has a right to do what. You can only control your end of the conflict and if you lay down the argument, then there is no argument (at least not on your end). If she wants and believes that she needs to be involved in communication? That's her values at play, and I wouldn't waste a whole lot of time asking her to change. You just have to express that you're not willing to participate in it.

If I received a note from my exH that says that he has a new email address and that they're a family and all decisions are to made between the two of them and blah, blah, blah -- I might respond with... . 

Dear ExH,

Thanks for the heads up. I can definitely appreciate that you'll be discussing matters together as a couple and what's best for your family.

When it comes to written and verbal communication regarding these matters, I prefer to continue to direct that all with you."


Boundary set --- and then if and when the boundary is busted (i.e. SM sends you an email signed by her), I would repeat myself... . "Thanks for the information, I'll let exH know what I think about it."

In the end, in my experience, it's really better for everyone if communication is limited to mom and dad. I don't like dealing with my husband's ex-wife. It's really draining on me and puts a huge strain on my marriage. He's a big boy and can handle it. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: July 29, 2015, 11:59:30 PM »

Dreamgirl, your post brings up a lot of issues that I have been struggling with, and you've used words and phrases that really help me think about it.

Your points about personal value and boundary are really helpful the way they're clearly written.

When you talk about the drama triangle, yes, I do think that's a big issue with exNPD/BPDh.  When we were married (I found out after I found out about his affair), he would present a distorted view of me to his co-workers, and his mother.  My therapist has been working with me for a few years on this issue of distortion.  My self-esteem was low enough to accept a lot of what he said.  Off topic here, but I remember the evening it became so clear, and I told him, I don't accept your perception of me.  His response was, that's a big part of your problem.  Anyway, so, it's like he was triangulating without directly involving me (complaining about me to others, telling flat-out lies to others, and never addressing me when he disagreed with me).  Maybe when my gut tells me to not address his latest OW, I'm trying to step out of the triangle.  Or I'm trying to set a boundary but I don't know exactly what I'm doing.  I don't know if that's it.  I just don't want to get entangled with them.  It's not like I yell or give dirty looks.  I just don't engage with her.  That's ok at this point, it's what I can handle. 

I like the wording of your suggested email.  At this point my therapist and my L think it won't do any good to send, and might feed his ego.  I guess I will think about why I would send it.  I'm afraid it will get twisted and distorted. 

To make matters more complicated, exH has been setting and taking children to medical appts without telling me.  Clear violation of parenting plan, and it's been going on since April.  So I contacted my L earlier this month to send a letter, and it coincides with exH email shenanigans.  Also, I just found out today that he's behind by almost $6,000 in children's tuition (he's got unpaid bills there dating back to April or May).  My situation is that I gave up 50% alimony and all child support so the children could remain in private school (S is special needs).  Tuition is court ordered.  That's going in the L's letter too, now.  So now I look vindictive.  It's amazing to me how I feel I'm playing a role in his drama and I don't want to.  How do I step out, is what I'm asking myself.  Maybe the first step is to step out in my mind, to know why I'm doing what I'm doing (personal values), and to be calm and confident in my boundaries.

I also wonder about the email sample you wrote.  Does that create more conflict?  Does it matter?  Sometimes I can't bring myself to practice the SET tools, etc., anymore with exH.  I just give up, or I state matter-of-factly this or that.  Stating my preference in an email might make me feel healthy for setting a boundary, but with exH it won't reduce conflict.

Finally, exH produces pornography/erotica.  I am entitled to royalties from it because he created it when we were still married (I wasn't involved in it, it in part led me to file for divorce when I found out about it, I do get a percentage of the sales, how ironic is that).  He hasn't provided me with the sales figures and royalties payments for almost nine months.  I was going to send him a polite email asking about it this month, but now he's got a "family" email.  So I haven't yet, because now I will look vindictive.  I don't know if OW knows about his extracurricular activities.  It's not my job to tell her, but she'll know now.  My L told me, "oh, well, he's the one who chose to use this email."

So I'll keep thinking and journaling about personal values and boundaries.  Thanks for stating it so clearly, it really feels like I'm getting it.

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Ulysses
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2015, 12:49:16 AM »

Well, to lighten my mood.  I was going to write a name in my email address book for exNPD/BPDh "family" email address.  I suppose it creates too much ill-will and is massively passive-aggressive if I type "TweedleDeeandTweedleDumb"<firstnameslastname@server.co>.
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