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Author Topic: The horrific food issue - what do you think?  (Read 474 times)
sempervivum
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« on: July 26, 2015, 01:51:58 AM »

When I got married 24 years ago, my h´s family looked at me with a bit of compassion and with a bit of humor when they informed me about his bein choosy in food. That was an understatement.

Over the next years this gave me a great deal of pain. In his good moments he ate everything, but in his bad phases he had millions of objections. Let me mention just some:

- Have you salted this? / Where have you bought that meat? / Don´t ask me what to cook, If I knew what I want for my meal, I would have made it. / You are the wife, you should know that./ I can eat everything if it´s got taste. / I told you not to prepare this (remark: if I obeyed this one, we would narrow the choice of food to zero) and so on ... .

He also created too many double binds, such as criticizing me for preparing, for example, particular fish  for our meal, with the excuse he does not like that fish, and a week later he himself would prepare the same.

When my therapist told me I indulge my husband too much, it took me quite a while to really see this fact. Luckily, I stopped doing this and it was difficult for me to find a proper measure between this indulging and not falling into complete carelessness about his satisfaction with food. 

It became much better since I do not dance around him and do not care about his impossible demands, but he is still fixed on food. As if it were the most important thing in the world. His taste and acceptance of food is highly selected: there are so many things he does not like and he troubles himself always with the same question:

What am I going to eat, there is nothing to be found (either in the fridge or in the mall)?

I am aware this is one of his traits, but it seems that he almost enjoys in torturing himself with this food issue. As if there is nothing on this planet that would meet his demands.

This must have some deeper roots and I would very much like to help him.

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Butterfly12
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« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2015, 05:03:00 AM »

My husband used to do the same. I would be returning from the store having bought bags and bags of food, and he would come in, look in the fridge and pantry and say there was nothing there. I would look at the stocked shelves and be like... .Whaaaaat?

I grew up with very limited choices, as well a limited budget. And he did not. His idea of plenty is vastly different then mine. As well as "comfort" food. There would be some days he would rave about what I cooked, others he would look me in the eye while telling our daughters they didn't need to eat this garbage.

In our separation learning my own relationship with food was a huge step. And a huge relief. Understanding that yet again this was not something I was doing "wrong."

I'm so sorry you go through this.
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« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2015, 05:48:03 AM »

Hi sempervivum,

Excerpt
What am I going to eat, there is nothing to be found (either in the fridge or in the mall)?

I am aware this is one of his traits, but it seems that he almost enjoys in torturing himself with this food issue. As if there is nothing on this planet that would meet his demands.

This must have some deeper roots and I would very much like to help him.

you are likely right that the food issue is a symptom of deeper problems. Which really put those out of reach for you. We can't fix the deep rooted problems of our loved ones.

What we can do is not let us boss around. Trying to fill their black hole just exhausts us and when we are exhausted we make mistakes that lead to bigger blow ups. Not the way to go - boundaries protect us here. Your T is giving you sound advice! Consistency in your behavior matters. Not you adjust to his whims - by being simply consistent and acting within your boundaries he has to adjust to the real world. Which over time - possibly after extinction bursts - likely makes him a  little bit more flexible in what he eats.

There are some other things you can do to help besides being yourself and being consistent with your boundaries. Study the LESSONS and read up on validation. The most important first step for us is to stop making matters worse. It is not easy to react in validating manner when being confronted with emotions and behavior we struggle to relate to, in this case his behavior around food. Our instincts often lead us to invalidate the pwBPD making matters worse.
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« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2015, 08:40:45 AM »



So... .can you describe the balance you have struck?

Do you still ask what he wants? 

This is a new one to me. 

I like to eat... .I really appreciate it when my wife or family makes a really nice meal.  I like preparing them as well.

To have such an important part of your life be the place where these unreasonable behaviors show up must be incredibly frustrating!

 

FF
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« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2015, 08:56:07 AM »

I also get there is nothing to eat drama, when our stocks of food rival the local supermarket. What it means in our case is that we have run out of her current fad. Except she is denying a fad and instead ruling out everything else except the fad.

Ruling everything out is often a round about way of asking for something but without trying to sound fussy about wanting something... .Not sure how they believe that is not being fussy, but that is their perception
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« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2015, 11:02:44 AM »

We have food issues here.

There are so many things that my husband doesn't like to eat. Before he was diagnosed with diabetes, there were more options. Now, the options of what I can cook that he will eat has become rather narrow.

I deal with it by making sure that we have his favorite stuff all the time. If I cook something and he doesn't want to eat it, then he can eat his stuff.

I know the source of my husband's food issues. We lived with his parents for 4 months. His mother insists that everyone sit at the table to eat. They are very critical of everything. Her cooking sucks. She nitpicks if you eat too much. She nitpicks if you eat too little. A lot of the things that my husband will eat are things that he never had as a child or they are things that his mother could cook without it tasting horrible.

His mother blamed all of my stomach troubles on my cooking. I don't recall having near the food issues early on. It seemed like after living with them the food issues were magnified and my husband stopped trying anything new. It has been hell. Things are way better now and he has his stuff that he eats if I am cooking something for me and the kids. Sometimes, it is a diabetes issue rather than a knock against what I am cooking.

His underlying issues can be traced to his FOO and how stressful anything food related is around his mother. She used to nag him about his weight and his eating. I put a stop to that because I could not tolerate seeing her treat a grown man the way she was treating my husband.
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Cole
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« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2015, 11:59:27 AM »

I also get there is nothing to eat drama, when our stocks of food rival the local supermarket.

Ditto here. W will get on one food and nothing else will do. If she currently craves tacos, then she will either eat nothing or tacos.
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2015, 02:26:22 PM »

This must be incredibly frustrating for you, sempervivum, especially when he makes something that he told you he doesn't like. 

Mine has food issues like no one else I've ever seen.  She once said to me, after gorging on a cup of frozen custard from Rita's, followed by a veggie wrap and mac and cheese, "You need to monitor what I eat because I can't."  Yes, let me add that to the list of things I need to do in life. 

Mine either eats a lot or eats nothing at all.  When I first met her, she would text me every night, telling me what she was making for dinner.  Fast forward a few months, and she told me that she doesn't eat dinner during the week.  The night after she ate the wrap and everything, she ate nothing.  I went out to eat with her twice.  The first time, she barely ate anything.  The second time, she ate enough for two people. 

Like with everything else in her life, she went through food fads.  First, it was eggs and waffles.  She loved them, ate them every day.  We even had an inside joke about waffles.  I drew her a picture with waffles on it.  Two months later, she no longer cared about waffles or eggs. Then, it was a sandwich she ordered at a local convenience store: a grilled cheese sandwich with pickles and a random, disgusting combination of other stuff on it.  For weeks, she ate one after work, every single day. Then, she just stopped.  From there, it was popcorn and pizza.  That's all she wanted to eat.  Before I knew it, they were over, too.  The last two things were orange juice and muffins, but that was her mirroring me.  She also mirrored my love of applesauce.  First, she told me she hated it, and then, she started eating mine at lunch.

When she visited her mom back in April, she would text me what they were having for dinner, and it was the grossest sounding stuff, like soups with really weird things in them, so I'm wondering if some of her food issues stem from that.   

Like many of you have mentioned, mine also could go through cabinets filled with food and never find anything.  But the worst thing is that we would leave work and she would tell me that we were going to go out to eat after we hung out at my house for a while.  We'd get to my house, and she'd decide that she wasn't hungry.  Meanwhile, I didn't have anything to eat because I'd planned on going to get something, so I'd end up just making a PB&J for dinner, while she sat and watched TV.

Oh, and she also hated garlic and got pissed at me when I ate something with garlic in it while sitting next to her.  Then, she asked, "You're not just going to leave that plate here, are you?" like I'm a child and can't clean up after myself.      
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sempervivum
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« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2015, 03:54:57 PM »

My husband used to do the same.

... .learning my own relationship with food was a huge step. And a huge relief. Understanding that yet again this was not something I was doing "wrong."

I'm so sorry you go through this.

Thank you.

My path was similar: I had to understand this was not my fault. From today´s point I blame myself why I did not stop that before, but I think it had to be a development.

He still annoys me a bit with his attitude to food, so choosy and so spoiled, but my giving up fighting really led to his progress. Now his complaints are directed mostly to himself alone, very rarely to me.

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sempervivum
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« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2015, 04:02:54 PM »

Hi sempervivum,

you are likely right that the food issue is a symptom of deeper problems. Which really put those out of reach for you. We can't fix the deep rooted problems of our loved ones.

What we can do is not let us boss around. Trying to fill their black hole just exhausts us and when we are exhausted we make mistakes that lead to bigger blow ups. Not the way to go - boundaries protect us here. Your T is giving you sound advice! Consistency in your behavior matters. Not you adjust to his whims - by being simply consistent and acting within your boundaries he has to adjust to the real world. Which over time - possibly after extinction bursts - likely makes him a  little bit more flexible in what he eats.

There are some other things you can do to help besides being yourself and being consistent with your boundaries. Study the LESSONS and read up on validation. The most important first step for us is to stop making matters worse. It is not easy to react in validating manner when being confronted with emotions and behavior we struggle to relate to, in this case his behavior around food. Our instincts often lead us to invalidate the pwBPD making matters worse.

I agree, but I found that achieving consistency was very difficult, I simply could (or would) not recognize what was really happening. I really thought the blame was on me.

I found this site recently, but it seems I was doing some good things instinctively, like a self-taught person, and yes there are a lot of useful things I still have to learn. Validation is one of the things I have to practice, I mean really practice to sound natural.
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sempervivum
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« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2015, 04:43:42 PM »

So... .can you describe the balance you have struck?

 

FF

I stopped asking how I could please him and I stopped justifying myself. Both things were my big mistake.

I too value the meaning of a good meal, but his concept is distorted.

Forgive me, but I want to shake his mother´s shoulders and ask her what has she done to him. She used to justify his whimsies by "That´s his stomach."

At the time when I changed my strategy she stopped giving me advice how to please him.

I think all this was a kind of her power game.
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sempervivum
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« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2015, 04:58:53 PM »

We have food issues here.

There are so many things that my husband doesn't like to eat. Before he was diagnosed with diabetes, there were more options. Now, the options of what I can cook that he will eat has become rather narrow.

I know the source of my husband's food issues. We lived with his parents for 4 months. His mother insists that everyone sit at the table to eat. They are very critical of everything. Her cooking sucks. She nitpicks ...

I can see there are such mothers all around. This can be very frustrating.

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sempervivum
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« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2015, 05:07:47 PM »

I also get there is nothing to eat drama, when our stocks of food rival the local supermarket.

Ditto here. W will get on one food and nothing else will do. If she currently craves tacos, then she will either eat nothing or tacos.

Nothing to eat sounds familiar to me. I must admit my husband certain fairness in that, sometimes when he says it and looks at my face he corrects himself and says "... .for me to eat." Fair enough.

Craving for certain food can be positive, not knowing what to eat is negative.

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sempervivum
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« Reply #13 on: July 26, 2015, 05:15:26 PM »

This must be incredibly frustrating for you, sempervivum, especially when he makes something that he told you he doesn't like. 

Mine has food issues like no one else I've ever seen. 

... .

SummerStorm, I am sorry you have to put up with that. I used to feel sorry for myself and sometimes still do, but much less. Now I sometimes feel angry, sometimes try to see the funny side. I have to survive somehow.

All this IS a BPD issue, but it has some strange feeling when it is about food.

My husband values healthy food and likes to lecture everybody on harms of unhealthy food. And guess what, he prefers fried over cooked and from time to time when he is in good mood, goes to the supermarket and brings some chips, salted peanuts, chocolate and biscuits.
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« Reply #14 on: July 26, 2015, 05:29:02 PM »

 

Hey guys... .I have 8 kids... .we can't cater to individual tastes or whims.

They eat what is put in front them... .by and large.

At least have to try it.

We've had picky friends come over... .it's interesting to see their reaction when they are presented with a dinner plate.  They announce they don't like that.  I announce (calmly)... .you don't have to like it to eat it... .and go back to my food.

No idea where the idea got into parents about picky eaters being ok.  (Note to the food allergy crowd... .I'm not talking about your issues... .   )

I'm only talking about ... "I don't like that... ."

Hey... am I giving a parenting speech?      Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

FF
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sempervivum
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« Reply #15 on: July 26, 2015, 05:35:55 PM »

No idea where the idea got into parents about picky eaters being ok.  (Note to the food allergy crowd... .I'm not talking about your issues... .   )



I'm only talking about ... "I don't like that... ."

Hey... am I giving a parenting speech?      Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

FF

 for that! I was brought up that way, too, or at least who did not like what was on the table had to eat or pass (=stay hungry). That is why I did not manage quite well with my husband´s attitude. Being in love and all that made me blind.

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