can't let my guard down

[specialized]

Wow its so blissful today... .we finally made it back to the good part.  How?  Not sure. Sometimes the madder i get the nicer it gets its exhausting never knowing what emotions to expectfrom her. Now that its a good day .There is so much unsaid. That I would love to bring up now. Like my idea about something... .anything that I may have been wanting to talk about good stuff positive stuff or even just family news because there isn'tany time to say anything wwhen she is in hate mode for days at a time. So now that it's nice... .it think about talking but as usual i choose to. enjoy the moment and shut up... .and we are stuck in the cycle because it's only a matter of time before it goes back the other way.  And nothing gets said.

Please help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi specializd,

the madder you get the more you validate her if she is angry. Now getting mad is not a healthy way to do validation so keep learning.

What is saidoften matters suprisingly little - behavior counts a lot more,

Keep learning and changing the way you act!

[waverider]

What do you think needs to be said?

There is a big difference between what needs to be said to move forward, and what we would simply like to unburden. There is also a difference in the way we say it.

Just dragging up past demeaners can be counter productive, but explaining how you can better go forward can be productive. ie staying away from past issues, as the issues are simply avenues for expressing deeper reocurring conflicts and attitudes.

[specialized]

It's not the past.  More like i want to say  "I'mworried about my elderly ffather's health"  or "an opportunity has come up in which I am interested that would better my career."  Anything like that men's I am putting myself before her feelings. 

As for mindfulness. Yes I need to keep learning . It'svery hard to stay calm when the words I hear are that I have runited her life and the past cannot be changed or forgotten.  That its all my fault.  If we don't enjoy the same hobby it means we are not compatible. Etc... .

I know not to argue but i just don't seem to have the endurance for the conversation. 

[an0ught]

Hi specialized,

sounds like you are looking for S.E.T... The key is to first address her - whatever they are - momentary concerns and validate them before pushing unrelated information that is important to share. Check out the workshop section.