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LostGhost
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« on: July 26, 2015, 12:59:49 PM »

Hello,

It's been a long time since I've been on here but I need I seek advice once again. The issue I'm experiencing at the moment is a complete lack of sexual intimacy with my pwBPD. We haven't had sex in 6 months now and I've unfortunately come to see this as "normal". I don't understand how a relationship can even be called a relationship without sex. I don't feel there's anything to distinguish me from her male friends or coworkers. All the kissing is initiated by me and she always turns her head away. It's very painful to be continually rejected over and over again by the person I love and devote my time, love and energy too. I guess I've been painted black for about 6 months? Or something else is going on? What is the likelihood of an affair? I've tried discussing it with her and the conversations go in circles, like what we were doing in the past never happened, all the sex we had never happened. She had no interest or desire whatsoever, not with me anyhow. Everything else is going ok... .we're great friends/roommates and share a lot. But I need more than what I'm experiencing. Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Anyone else going through this? Thanks for any help... .
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Jack2727
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« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2015, 05:06:12 PM »

I've gone through this before. Let me ask you a few questions? Did she always need ambient noise when you guys slept? Does she not cuddle with you? Does all of her physical intimacy consist of occasional kissing and hand holding? If you are encountering these symptons I'd strongly suggest you walk away-now.

Because ultimately, she will discard you when you are at your lowest point. That at least was my experience. I'm sure you are waiting for her to show you intimacy. It won't happen!
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LostGhost
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« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2015, 10:22:53 PM »

Sounds like we dated the same person. Yes she needs ambient noise to sleep (a fan).  She does  cuddle with me but yes all of the physical intimacy is reduced to handholding and the occasional kiss, only if I instigate and it's never very passionate, lasting no more than a second. I don't know if I'm willing to walk away just yet but it's starting to feel ridiculous and isolating. I just don't know what's going on. Have I been devalued and painted black? Is there likely another person that has become the focus of her interest? Do I need to just wait around for the cycle to begin again? I've asked all the questions to her of whether she wants me to go or stay, or does she want to end the relationship. She says no. But also says no to sex/intimacy, every single time, going on six months now. I know a lot

of people have gone through something similar so I'm interested in hearing how you resolved it, or what kind of predicaments you are in now if you decided to stick around. I read about BPD and their supposed sexual prowess but I'm not seeing any sign of that here. Maybe the first few months. Then downhill all the way to the bottom of the black pit I find myself in now.

Everything else appears "normal" or as normal as you can get with BPD. Just no sex.

PS what is the deal with the ambient noise to sleep? Is that common? What is the reasoning?
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Jack2727
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Posts: 140


« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2015, 07:15:26 AM »

I sent you a PM because this sounds very much like my ex. Well heck, it could be. But to answer your questions, it is very demoralizing and when you guys break up, its only a matter of when, you will spend months recovering from the PTSD of being rebuffed in that way.

How long have you guys been dating? With my ex, her intimacy went straight off a cliff. She would use it to maintain power over me. Kid you not, there would be times in bed where we'd get started and she would shut me down. She also would sleep on the couch, or I'd volunteer to do the same.

Have you been devalued? Probably yes. Does she stalk facebook? They are masters of covering up their nefarious behavior. When there is another person you will know because they will discard you and you will never hear from them again. That is why I am suggesting you to leave on your terms, because if this person is my ex or like my ex, that is what they will do. And trying to fight with them about the lack of intimacy will just lead you down a path of frustration where the tables are constantly turned on you.

I was like you and I waited and put my needs to the side. In the end I got destroyed and have spent the better part of this year trying to feel like myself again- and I am still not completely back again.

I am not sure you are dealing with a classic BPD. She sounds like my ex. The few times we had sex it was good, but it was almost robotic. She didn't want me to even express any emotion when we did it.

I don't know anything about the ambient noise, just that it helped her sleep. She could not sleep without either a fan or an app on her phone.

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LostGhost
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 272


« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2015, 10:25:45 AM »

Hello again,

I haven't read your PM just yet but will do so. It's definitely demoralizing. She does that quite often. I do so much for her tirelessly and expect nothing in return but she had no problem with holding minor things over my head to point attention to how I am a failure in this way or no good in that way etc. sometimes I JADE because it hurts. Other times I sit quietly and cry and she'll ask what's wrong as if she doesn't know.

I used to be the best thing since sliced bread. But she complains she has no friends and thst my fault. Complains about her lot in life and it's of course my fault or something I did or said that led to her dissatisfaction.

No name calling or anything yet thankfully. No rages and nothing physical. But she holds onto my faults with an iron grip and waves them in my face. I rarely get a compliment if ever. I'm more likely to get a compliment from a stranger.

She does stalk Facebook as you mention, hourly I would say. Every time she goes to the bathroom she's on Facebook. If I go somewhere and come back, she'll be doing something on her phone.  Have no idea if she's actually up to something or not. Wish there was a way to find out, because it would force me into action as I do not tolerate that. She says she uses it to see what everyone is up to, and I have seen her scroll for hours on the updates feed or whatever, liking or commenting.

I kind of feel like she's just waiting for some guy to pay attention to her and then it will be game over for me. Or she will try to have her cake and eat it too. I just don't understand how a complete lack of intimacy can exist in a healthy relationship but she seems to think it's fine. All the other elements of a "healthy" relationship exist. But lack of intimacy is crucial to me. I can deal with the "you're the reason I have no friends" bit because I know it's nothing to do with me. She had no real friends before me either. She only seems to have superficial friends or a lot of acquaintances. I have a close circle of friends, 4 or 5 people I have a lifelong bond with. She doesn't have any of those, she weeks quantity over quality.

I obviously don't want to end up in a dark place again. I've been there before and I have no wish to return. Leaving on my own terms might be the only choice because I don't want to wake up to an affair. Being rejected and then betrayed on top of that? No thanks! But yes... .I do love this woman with all that I am. And so I wish to exhaust every avenue before making that final decision. This will likely cause me to endure more suffering and pain in the long run. I just wish I knew what was going on. Why there distance and cold exterior where once there was warmth. Plain communication does nothing. She offers no simple explanation or say "this is the reason why we haven't had sex in 6 months". When I ask if she loves me "yes of course, are you saying I don't do a good job showing it?" When I ask are you in love with me, same thing.

Very tiring. But somewhere in there is a glimmer of the person I love. I don't even necessarily miss sex. I just miss that bond of closeness that sex provides with the person you love. Thanks for any other stories/advice!
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