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Author Topic: Dealing with interesting thinking...  (Read 383 times)
formflier
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« on: July 26, 2015, 03:30:44 PM »



So... from my lovely talk with my wife today... .I have one thing to toss out there for some help in how to approach this.

She believes the summer schedule is hers... completely... .and that she "gave" me the last three weeks out of the goodness of her heart.

The thinking is that since she didn't get what she wanted for the first 20 years and I did... .she gets it now... .and that is the way it is going to be.  Then went on to talk about how she had no choice to deal with my absence and changes to the schedule when I was on the ship (I was last assigned to a ship in 1999).

So... .since she had to do that... .I have to be flexible now with not having my family around.

 

?

Not much interpretation above... .that is as close to word for word as I can put it...

FF
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« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2015, 05:04:20 PM »

Yes, my wife likes to bring up the distant past in arguments as well.  Personally, I have been rather controlling in our arguments lately.  I tell her what arguments are acceptable and which ones aren't.  She hates it.  I don't care.

Ok, sorry, this was supposed to be helpful.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

In regards to your basic problem, my approach would probably be to sabotage the next summer.  Inform her that she will not be able to bring the kids to visit her family next summer.  Since she did not follow through with her agreement last time, any future agreements will be that you get your side of the deal first since you can't trust her to honor her side of agreements.

Anyway, that is a nuclear option just shy of separation.

P.S.  I have a different perspective of her having a dysreg in front of the kids.  As an honorable person, you don't tell your kids that she has BPD.  However, if she chooses to show to them that she has it, and in that situation you can behave honorably, then the kids will start to figure things out.
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formflier
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« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2015, 05:15:00 PM »

However, if she chooses to show to them that she has it, and in that situation you can behave honorably, then the kids will start to figure things out.

That's pretty much where I am at.  I used to try to "protect" them from her... or "hide" her stuff from them.

I used to ask her to go have discussions arguments elsewhere... .she would usually refuse.

So... .now I make little effort.

FF
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« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2015, 08:54:41 PM »

In the time you've been posting here, have you successfully "negotiated" anything with your wife where there was a compromise/agreement that you would do something (against your preferences) and she would do something (against her preferences)... .

And had a good outcome?

Perhaps you just post about the failures, or perhaps I forgot other cases.

It really doesn't matter HOW she does it... .she makes the "agreements" work for her--either she blows off your part of it... .fails to follow through... .or has a full-scale meltdown/explosion over it.

In your marriage, negotiation with your wife seems to fit in the same category of JADEing: Nothing good will come of it for you.

If this is the case, just stop negotiating.
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formflier
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« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2015, 09:16:13 PM »

 

Very few of them come true... .some are modified slightly... .

The amount of negotiating is way down... .so... the amount of conflict is way down.

However... there has to be some sort of mechanism to work things out.

I want to go over here and do this.

And she wants to go over here and do something else... .who takes whom... etc etc.

Life can't stop... or at least I don't see how that would work.

Control of the kids is the main issue... .that is where it is.   She is not happy with it.  I am not happy with it.

I follow through on my agreements... .it is rare to find an instance where something comes up.  I am apologetic... try to let her know as soon as possible.  I acknowledge that there was a bargain... that I can no longer uphold.

She rarely follows through on them.  Claims she does...  Claims I have a "silly notion" in my head about what was agreed on... .says I should care enough to let her have her way... pretty standard BPD crap.

Hey... .not arguing with you... or anyone else.  But how does life go on if you stop negotiating or trying to reach compromise?

FF
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« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2015, 10:11:34 PM »

Control of the kids is the main issue... .that is where it is.   She is not happy with it.  I am not happy with it.

How old are the kids in question? Is anybody asking the kids what they want in all of this? I understand that kids are limited and that it is usually up to the parents to make decisions for them. Do the kids want to go to the grandparents' house? Do the kids get to say things like, "Hey, I want to go with mom" or "I want to go with dad." It sounds like the kids have become pawns in this and are caught in a tug of war. At least that is the impression that I get from some of the descriptions.

Excerpt
Hey... .not arguing with you... or anyone else.  But how does life go on if you stop negotiating or trying to reach compromise?

Radical acceptance? I see you working really hard at this stuff. The problem that I see is that it seems like you keep trying new things while hoping for different outcomes. Would things look for feel different if you started accepting things like 'there may not be a lot of times when the whole family is together'? Is wanting that much togetherness realistic with such a big household? When my kids were younger, it was pretty easy to do the family thing pretty regularly. As they get older, it becomes more and more difficult because the kids have their own opinions and they don't always like to do the same things. Heck, finding a movie for all of us to watch for family movie night can sometimes be difficult and that is with my husband and I trying to make the decisions.
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« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2015, 02:30:02 AM »

There's always some reason why things have to go their way.

Remember, pwBPDs have to blame it on others, whether it's a person, their past, circumstances... .and they don't remember history as it is, they remember it as they wish/ is convenient to them.

Unfortunately their rationale is also illogical to us sometimes, because they use their rationale to justify their actions/ thinking. (e.g. husband said hurtful things to me -> I cry, set a boundary and refuse to talk anymore -> his rationale: "You like doing this to "punish" people who don't say things you like to hear." (instead of admitting that maybe he has hurt my feelings)

What I believe, though, is there is no use talking about the distant past because it's just her feelings arguging with your feelings, even though she'd like to make it seem like she's talking about facts.  Is there any way you could let the bygones be bygones and just negotiate for NOW?
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« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2015, 05:13:27 AM »

ff when is the last time you were at home all summer ?

Your wife's belief that she has been doing most of the organising over the last however how many years is real for her? this is how she feels... .upset ?that you are now involved in an area you weren't  before... .this is her truth, her reality.

VOC has nailed it by saying in a nutshell, that you are trying many different ways to get your wife to change, and it isn't happening.

Remember, that there has been a shift in your family dynamics since you stopped working, which probably means there is a lot of unknowns flying around for you all, and for your wife this transitional time is probably very confusing for her. So maybe she is clinging firm to how she always did things to anchor herself in some semblance of stability, maybe... .




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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2015, 06:29:00 AM »

 

Kids go from 19 down to 2. 

There have be zero days... .ZERO... .that our family has been together as en entity since late May.

It is realistic... .there is one persons choice... demand that is at work here. 

Her sister gets the kids during the summer every other week... .week on... .week off.

He's had to go to court a  couple times to enforce it... .but he wins.  I'm jealous of that situation.

His kids are in way worse shape than mine... .that makes me sad...

Sigh... .

FF
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« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2015, 08:21:43 PM »

Control of the kids is the main issue... .that is where it is.   She is not happy with it.  I am not happy with it.

... .

I follow through on my agreements

... .

She rarely follows through on them.

... .

how does life go on if you stop negotiating or trying to reach compromise?

Well... .in your case, reaching compromise means you give in, and get little or nothing for it.

Radical Acceptance. This is what happens when you negotiate with her.

Remember this when you go into the negotiations with her. If you choose to at all. Making agreements with somebody who won't keep their word isn't very satisfying.




Back to the other issue. Control (of the kids).

You are having control battles with your wife. Look at it as a control battle, rather than a failed negotiation/compromise.

These are the things your wife will do to keep control over the kids / take control over the kids from you. There are some things you will do when it is important enough. Other times... .well... .you aren't going to get what you want if she wants to fight about it. Because she *will* make a scene in front of the kids if it is important enough to her... .and she can make the family time you want unlike what you want by making a scene/mess/whatever, even if you don't let her do what she wants either.
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