Newbie and quite conflicted..lolol

[MommyT321]

HI Everyone,

   As stated above I THINK my husband is nar or personality-somewhere in there... .dont really think it matters really which one though-to tell you the truth.

    All i know isbthe sypmtoms are to the T... .i knew something was really wrong... .but like all other sensitives-i thought it was me... if i just tried harder-you know the drill... .

    Beenreading up on the lessons... .been learning alot... .

  One of my hardest things to come to terms with is how to not enable, but still be nice-but not feel im being treated like a doormat in the process... .which is how i feel alot  

      My main voncern is how my kids arectreated and that they see me as a strong mother not being stepped on-especially my teen daughter-if that makes sense... i just dont want them thinking any of this is ok... .but how to do that is where im at... .lolol

      Anyway-im 3xcited to have found this sight and am happy to find Im not crazy... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

The lessons are so wonderful. I have been here almost a year and am still trying to read them and digest them and put them into practice. Trying to make sense of this stuff takes time.

I am like you. I don't know what my husband does or doesn't have. I don't worry about that and try to focus on myself more. It is so easy to lose yourself in all of this.

How long have the two of you been married? How many kids do you have?

[Ceruleanblue]

Same boat here. I think husband is BPD, and I'd bet his psychiatrist has told him that, but really, the actual diagnosis is unimportant. Me knowing how to best deal with him, and have peace, are what's most important. I'd love a happy marriage, and I'd love him to be truly happy, but part of that is up to him. All I an do is work on me, and do what I can to create that happy marriage. I can't do it all, and I have to be happy, no matter what his current mood is. That's not easy, because I tend to still feel I should be able to make more of a difference, and accepting that even if I were perfect(and I certainly am not), he still might never be truly happy.

The hardest thing for me to do was to keep my boundaries. To not let him trample them. I'll start off strong, but he is like the proverbial water on stone. Every now and again, I have to re establish a few boundaries.

I understand the worry you have about your teen daughter and what she thinks. It's hard to balance dealing with a partner who can be difficult(and personality disorders are difficult), and not letting yourself get walked on. Sometimes I take one for the "team"(although BPDh doesn't know what a team is), and others times I have to stand up for me and what I believe.

[MommyT321]

Thks guys for the nice welcome

   A lil abt me... .Ive been married abt 17 years, things didnt change for a long time... .we were happy. Id say that things started to change after our last child was born... .that was abt 12 years ago... .and have gotten worse over the years... .

   I first read abt narcissistic traits abt 3 months ago... which finally led me to this sight... .which has already been soo helpful and Im learning alot. Its hard to find anything on actually trying to help your spouse instead of hit the hills... .so im very greatful for that here... .

We have 3 children 16, 14 and 12. Boy,girl,boy.

   One thing im REALLY REALLY struggling with is my kids and playing nice when it comes to hubby raging and attacking them. Its nothing like how he disrespects me-but its still enough to really upset me... kwim? And i but in and make it worse it seams... .Are there any threads or things on family issues? I seam to make everything worse when it comes to them and him, but i cant just sit there and leave or do nothing... .

         

   

[vortex of confusion]

17 years is how long I have been married to my husband!

There are quite a few threads floating around about family type stuff. What do you mean when you say that he is disrespectful to the kids?

I ask because I have had the same issue. I have had to be a little bit more selective about when I butt in. If he is getting onto them for something and is a little more stern than I like, I try to bite my tongue. I have tried to identify specific behaviors that I am not going to tolerate so that I can be more specific. I am not sure if that makes any sense whatsoever. It is identifying what is clearly abuse and what is disrespectful/invalidating/annoying and trying to step back unless there is something that is clearly abusive.

[MommyT321]

Thks vortex!

    Yes! I try and pick my battles too... .just some things i know he ssys judt to jab them and it kills me-ill give you just one example and then msybee you could tell me if im justified, and how you would handle it... .

   Okay -my youngest son-says i love you alot, we all say it alot i guess... but when he says it to me,after i say it back-hubby replies" she doesnt love you"... .he says this all the time... .what the heck is that? Is he trying to hurt me or our child-i have no clue... he says hes just kidding ... but he repeats it everytime. Its not funny.   

   Its nonsense stuff hecsays like this all the time... .picks on my sons crying, weight, forgetting things... .i read somewhere its the bad child, good child thing going on-and during these times i find it really hard to keep my cool.

    Now im not talking abt when the kids have messed up and need discipline-these are totally different-kwim?

[Turkish]

Hello MommyT321,

I'm sorry your H is saying such invalidating things to your kids. And telling them that you don't love them?   Sounds like he may be projecting his own feelings, in combination with jealousy, perhaps. My r/s broke down at an exonential rate after the birth of our second child. People with BPD need a lot of validation, but the pressure of a toddler and a baby was too much. I didn't land here in time to understand what dynamic I was dealing with.

In addition to the lessons here (to the right of this board), you can also benefit by reading the lessons on the Co-Parenting Board, particularly, Lesson 5...

Lessons for members who are Parenting & Co-parenting with a pwBPD

Turkish

[MommyT321]

Hi Turkish-

   Thks for your kind words-also thank you for telling me abt the other lessons-i didnt know they each had one-thks!:)