Apparently I will be a bad mum

[Depression = 72% of members]

... .and I'm barely pregnant.

I just recently found out that I'm pregnant, and since it's really early days, nobody else knows yet aside from uBPDh and me.

While it's an exciting time, I'm overcome with worry and fear (having absolutely no experience in this.  I don't even have siblings so I didn't deal with babies growing up, and I'm not a big fan of babies so I don't play with other people's).

While H is helpful and physically caring (he always takes good care of me, does things for me and does chores around the home), he also says a lot of stuff that gets on my nerves.  Like we were discussing future arrangements and he would keep on saying, "How can you quit your job to take care of the baby?  You'd made a terrible housewife.", and at the same time, "can't you see I'll be much better staying at home than you?" (not that he would be making plans to quit his job for the baby)

Also he keeps saying I'll make a bad mum, to which I have replied before (if I can be bothered), " I guess nobody's born a good mum.  You just learn on the job."  But somehow he thinks he'll make a great dad, although he's never had any kids before.

And he also says that "there's no problem with me taking care of another person.  I've always taken care of you like a child already; doesn't hurt to have one more.".  I can't help but hear the backhanded insults in all the things that he says.

On good days I let it go, I tell myself it's the BPD talking, it's his black-and-white thinking talking.  On bad days I go and cry and feel really bad about myself.  There is nobody I can talk to about this (my mum's dead and dad's more like an acquaintance than a parent, my in-laws are sweet but they don't know about the pregnancy yet); I only get all those negative comments but there's nothing to build me up! 

What would you do if you were in my situation?  Just try to let the comments pass and not respond to them and cross my fingers that they don't affect me? 

[Chosen]

... .and I'm barely pregnant.

I just recently found out that I'm pregnant, and since it's really early days, nobody else knows yet aside from uBPDh and me.

While it's an exciting time, I'm overcome with worry and fear (having absolutely no experience in this.  I don't even have siblings so I didn't deal with babies growing up, and I'm not a big fan of babies so I don't play with other people's).

While H is helpful and physically caring (he always takes good care of me, does things for me and does chores around the home), he also says a lot of stuff that gets on my nerves.  Like we were discussing future arrangements and he would keep on saying, "How can you quit your job to take care of the baby?  You'd made a terrible housewife.", and at the same time, "can't you see I'll be much better staying at home than you?" (not that he would be making plans to quit his job for the baby)

Also he keeps saying I'll make a bad mum, to which I have replied before (if I can be bothered), " I guess nobody's born a good mum.  You just learn on the job."  But somehow he thinks he'll make a great dad, although he's never had any kids before.

And he also says that "there's no problem with me taking care of another person.  I've always taken care of you like a child already; doesn't hurt to have one more.".  I can't help but hear the backhanded insults in all the things that he says.

On good days I let it go, I tell myself it's the BPD talking, it's his black-and-white thinking talking.  On bad days I go and cry and feel really bad about myself.  There is nobody I can talk to about this (my mum's dead and dad's more like an acquaintance than a parent, my in-laws are sweet but they don't know about the pregnancy yet); I only get all those negative comments but there's nothing to build me up! 

What would you do if you were in my situation?  Just try to let the comments pass and not respond to them and cross my fingers that they don't affect me? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Butterfly12]

first off, you will be an amazing mum. No question. You will be.

Secondly, what about close friends? Other women? With or without children? The most vital thing for you is to feel supported. Having a child with a pwBPD is one of the most challenging experiences I have ever found. The thing that makes it even more challenging is that attention is taken from them... .and regardless how much they adore their child, the attention they are accustomed to is isn't there in the same way. I find it interesting your husband says he "takes care of you" as if you are a child. I find the same to be true of my husband in his "emotional" age. He seems to be on par with our four year old in terms of emotional maturity.

When our oldest was born it became apparent that I was on my own in a huge way, and thankfully have a loving supportive family and friend base that made life much much easier. My husband worked for years in trying to cut me off from the community i was raised in, and it worked on some level, but the true friends were always there for me when the time came. I guess the point I am trying to make is seek out the relationships with friends, family, other mothers- these relationships will become more and more valuable as time goes on.

Trust me.

Also, find a doula and a compassionate midwife. It will make all the difference. I promise.

[Chosen]

Thanks Butterfly12.  I do have close friends I can talk to, and one or two people that knows about the uBPD, but since I'm very early into the pregnancy I haven't told them yet (fears of miscarriage etc).  One of the anchor during the worst period of the uBPD struggles was a former church pastor, a woman who cares about me like a mum.  However, we're both really busy and I have yet to meet up with her.  I wish to tell her about the pregnancy in person, so there'll probably be a few more weeks when I'm "on my own".  But thanks, I know how important it is to build up my little network of support... .

Yeah my H always says he is taking care of everybody.  Unfortunately in his youth he did have to take care of himself a lot, many problems with his family, so he is accustomed to this.  But the truth is, it's the same for me as well and I'm actually quite accustomed & capable of taking care of myself, although he criticises the way I do so... .I suppose pwBPDs can only think and operate on their terms... .

[waverider]

Congrats...

I am sure his uncertainties, anxieties have got the "what ifs" running wild.

I think you may have to put your knowledge of boundaries to use in regards to statements about being a bad mum to good use. Otherwise it will become a standing assumption.

You will have to draw your lines in the sand and be consistent.

There is a lot of uncertainty in his mind at the moment. His opinions of his own capability will be put to the test, and that will bring out the defensiveness in him

[Smileypants]

I am pregnant with my 5th child, but it's my second child with my BPD husband.  For me, pregnancy and having a child with him has been very tough.  The most important thing to remember is that, despite what he says, you are a wonderful mother.  You are caring for your baby's every need as it grows inside you.  When your child is here, you will have that child's unconditional love.

My pregnancies with my BPD were not planned.  During my first pregnancy (when I was only 12 weeks pregnant) the was threatening to take the baby away from me because I was a terrible mom.  I know I am not a terrible mom.  My children are loving , wonderful children.  But living with him has taken a toll on them.  They are afraid of his rages.  I do my best to keep him away from the kids, and stand up for them when he chooses to take out his frustration on them.   My oldest is having nightmares about him trapping us in our house.

I was considering divorce when I got pregnant, I still am.  He is trying, with not much success, to be on good behavior.  I have threatened divorce twice in the last month.  He is in denial about his diagnosis (from when he was a teen).  He doesn't get any type of treatment/therapy. 

I haven't told anyone about this pregnancy (19w 3d today) and I'd rather not.  I have four children that don't need anymore stress right now so I haven't told them.  My family already hates the position me and my kids are in.  They already knew I wanted out, and now I am pregnant again.  I feel like I will get no support or sympathy from them.  I am really feeling alone.  My BPD husband doesn't understand why I don't want to run and tell the world.

Sorry about going on the big tangent.  My advise is to try to find people who can give you positive support and people you can depend on in case you need a last minute babysitter.  My BPD husband is famous for telling how horrible of a mother I am, tells me that CPS will take away my kids, how he's raised kids (which in reality he didn't really do much of that) and he knows everything about kids.  He also would agree to watch the kids, then at the last minute back out of it, or if he did watch the kids he would call/text me at work "I'm never doing this sh*t again, your kids are monsters".

My children tell me they love me, everyone else in my life tell me I am a good mom.  I am the one that takes them to the Dr, to friends/families houses, gets them on the bus, gets them ready for school, plan the birthdays, go to the school, go to conferences... .My husband doesn't do any of that, but he wants to be worshipped like he does everything and I should thank him endlessly for all he does.  I don't have time for that. My children are my priority, my children and my health.  I know I am a good mom.  You will be too.

[Chosen]

Thanks.  I really have to set mental as well as physical boundaries.

Of course I have my own insecurities on whether I will be a good mum; I've never been one before so there'll probably be lots of stuff I have to learn.  But I know I'll get through it.  My mum wasn't the perfect mum either and I turned out ok... .

I guess if he ever says such words again I'll just either reply, "I'm sure there'll be lots of learning to do" and leave it at that.  I suppose it stems from his own fears of providing and care for the family as well, so there's no point arguing about it.

[waverider]

I think set responses and certain boundary limits will prevent your own insecurities sending you into JADE mode.

Who will, or will not, be a good parent can't be predicted until they are. Most people are both at some time or other


Lots of hugs is a good way of winging it when you feel uncertain how to be a good parent.