Roller Coaster

[Depression = 72% of members]

How can I tell when enough is enough or if I should stay true to my promise to always be there for my bf?

At the moment we are having good for the most weekends together then he turns mental during the week days, texting me awful messages.

Last night he told me he loves me and today he says he hates everything about me.

Hes told me recently that he doesn't want to say mean things but once he starts he cant stop himself.

We have been dating for more than 2 years and lived together for more than 1 year up to last Christmas.

[dido]

How can I tell when enough is enough or if I should stay true to my promise to always be there for my bf?

At the moment we are having good for the most weekends together then he turns mental during the week days, texting me awful messages.

Last night he told me he loves me and today he says he hates everything about me.

Hes told me recently that he doesn't want to say mean things but once he starts he cant stop himself.

We have been dating for more than 2 years and lived together for more than 1 year up to last Christmas.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Pretty confusing when you keep getting mixed messages, this is unfortunately normal and a consequence of inability to regulate their emotions, linked to a lack of sense of self so they don't really know what they want in any consistent manner.

Before you can answer your question in an objective way you will need to learn more about the dynamics so that you can stay centered and not constantly feel tugged by the highs and lows.

have a read through this PERSPECTIVES: The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

Keep posting asking questions and things will start to align bit by bit.

Waverider

[EaglesJuju]

Hi dido, 

I would like to join Waverider and welcome you.

It is really tough coping with the hot and cold behavior of a person with BPD (pwBPD).   It truly is baffling and frustrating how one day you can be the greatest person and the next day you are hated. Unfortunately, this is a characteristic of BPD. Learning about BPD really helps understanding why your significant other is behaving this way.

What do you usually do when your bf says unkind things to you?

[dido]

Hi, thank you both for your comments.

I've read so much in the last 6 months and talked to a psychologist. The advice the psychologist gave me was that if my bf was not willing to come to sessions that the relationship would fail. The reason I was at the psychologist was because I was getting so upset with my bf I was punching him. This was before he admitted to me he has BPD. He blamed me but the psychologist and a councillor I met with told me my reaction was reasonably normal due to my frustration resulting from his mental abuse etc.

Sometimes I keep telling him I love him when he gets nasty and sometimes I tell him a few truths about himself. He keeps finding new nasty things to say and it always feels like it could be over for good. We've always made up even after I moved out and other complications. Last night he was so awful and so was I.

It all started because I took my son to psychologist yesterday, the same one I saw myself also me and my bf saw him once together but he refuses to continue... .anyway my son finds school and sometimes life difficult so I have been for a few sessions with him, I have ruled out odd and add and yesterday ruled out Asperger. I was really happy, his diagnosis is at the minute just some kids find the school system and life more difficult and we always get advice and pointers from every session.

My bf reaction was that I spend too much money on my son, that his dad is a retard so pretty much what would I expect. Usually when the argument is directed at me I tend to ignore most of his insults now or they dont cut so deep.

I was really pissed off at him yesterday behaving like that. He has an on off relationship with his son who he only 2 days before said he wished he hadn't spoilt with expensive toys as now he doesn't appreciate etc

I told him I would rather spend thousands on my son to help him have a better future than thousands spoiling him and his comment was rich coming from him.

The argument went on, with him saying I am an unfit mother, someone should take my son from me so I know how it feels. And on and on about how much he hates me. About how he's going to find himself someone new tonight.

There is so much more to tell... .he loves stirring the pot, not only with me with others as well, friends, friends of friends, my friends, always posting poor me posts on fb about how he's always being/been treated unfairly.

I just don't know why he wont get help and why he has to say such awful things. Yes I've read alot, watched alot about BPD but still, should I be standing up for him, supporting him, his behaviour deserves me to walk away but everytime I do I feel I've made a worse mistake... .

[dido]

I've recently started to focus on my own personal growth as that is from my own research one of the best things I can do.

He has been on antidepressants since Christmas and always tells me he doesn't mean what he said but then every week finds a reason to again be angry with me. He says he wishes he ws not such an angry person and hopes to have a better week but it never lasts for long.

I have read recently that our relationship issues over time have become new triggers for him. Where normally people forgive and make up he does this for a day or two then starts blaming me all over again. He cant let anything go, forgive anyone for anything, just relives anything bad over and over. Turns good into bad. Thinks he is entitled to judge and interfere with anyone, no holds barred.

We went to my friends 50th a couple of weeks ago and the stereo got broken, just a cord, he ended up fixing it but a lady at the party initially grabbed his arm and told him not to touch it. He said it made him feel like a naughty child like his mum used to make him feel. He told me the next day I was to tell my friend to get him an apology. When I refused to tell her this he said he can cut my friend out and posted a big bla on fb about the lady who grabbed his arm and how it made him feel.

He went on and on at the party to my friend about how lucky she is to have a good family and how the speeches were magic and then on about how he doesn't have that and he wished his family was like hers. My friends bf ended up telling my bf in frustration, you just make the most of what you've got and sounds like you should concentrate on your own achievements. My bf makes every good situation into about how bad hes got it. I dont want him to be this way and I cant see how he doesn't get embarrassed to the point he gets some help. Hes 39!