Am I doing the right thing?

[Finn1234]

Hi,

I married to this wonderful man 4 years ago and we have a child together. We used to fight a lot and I couldn't understand where they came from. But which couple doesn't fight... .Not until the death of my DH best friend have I realized he needed help. Months after the death of our friend DH showed signs of cheating. I struggled a lot through it and meanwhile he told me he had plans to end his life. The way he put it was more to not to live than to kill himself. Frightened, I requested that we go to the doctor. He disagreed but then eventually he gave it to get tested to prove me wrong.

One led to another few months after he started his medication he was asked to be hospitalized. I feared for him ending his life and at that point he was too out of hands... .Until now he blamed me for putting him in the hospital.

He kept on cheating and reassuring me that he won't cheat. He would say the most nasty things to me and then said he loved me. He would compare his love for me and for other women and make me feel inferior. We had our good days but those are too short compare to the bad ones.

He raises the divorce card every few days and when I finally give him and agree to divorce him he would try to pull me back and promise the world that he would change. We both know that is only a spark of a moment and he couldn't and wouldn't do as he said he would.

It is not an easy move but yesterday he moved out to stay with his mom. We are taking time off each other and his way of seeing it at first was that my acceptance to let him go wild with other women. I explained to him the intention of the separation on my side. But I have no confident that he will remain loyal. His doctor once told me to stop him from doing what he wants (cheating) immediately might not be the most effective way to get him better. It might have the opposite effect. Months passed and still nothing changed. He has visited 2 doctors and both said to me to leave for me and my son's sake. Other people I shared my problem with, medical professionals or friends, all said the same thing. I still cannot pull myself to leave him when he is obviously sick. Yet I don't want to set myself on fire while trying to keep him warm. I have a child to consider.

Not long ago we had a long talk. Until then I realized all that I thought to be truth were lies. He had been cheating months before his friend's death. He engaged in dangerous sex and that since he was a teenager he had the habit of seeing multiple girls the same time. One of his ex girlfriends whom he is cheating with waited for him for 4 years knowing that he is married with child cos she knows all his dark sides and knows that he will cheat again. So they are back together and in between he is seeing a new girl if not more.

DH is diagnosed with BPD NPD and bipolar. He is currently on meds for bipolar and will meet with a new psychiatrist this coming week upon my suggestion.

At this point of my life I am so exhausted, frustrated, broken, and hollowed that I don't even know how to move on or where to move on to... .I don't know if I still want him or whether the feeling I have for him is love. I will be seeing the same psychiatrist on a different day cos I fear I'm getting depressed. I want to help him and I don't want to give up on him but I don't know if those are right choices. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

Welcome to the forums!

It sounds like you are in a really rough spot. It is difficult to make any kind of decision about anything when your head isn't in a good place.

One of the things that most people recommend to new posters is to check out the lessons. There is a lot of good stuff there to help you sort things out. There is a lesson on understanding your partner's behaviors as well as understanding your role in the relationship. It takes time to sort all of this stuff out.

I know you want to help him. I think all of us came here wanting to figure out how to better help our partner's. One of the biggest lessons that I have learned here is that I need to do a better job of taking care of myself.

 

[Finn1234]

The whole time he blames me for how he is now even to think back that the pattern was obvious since before me met.

I think I am having a hard time to accept that my loving husband turned into this stranger overnight.

What does he means when he said he loved me. Or when he disregards me.

I cannot get him out of my head and the fact that he told me all about his events with those distasteful women makes me angry and sad. I am getting numb. Yet I cannot retain myself from him.

Is our relationship too broken to be fixed? Or should I try not to think about us for now and just to let him be? He agrees to therapy is a good thing. Yet the day is long and I am slowly diminishing.

[vortex of confusion]

I cannot get him out of my head and the fact that he told me all about his events with those distasteful women makes me angry and sad. I am getting numb. Yet I cannot retain myself from him.

Is our relationship too broken to be fixed? Or should I try not to think about us for now and just to let him be? He agrees to therapy is a good thing. Yet the day is long and I am slowly diminishing.

 

I know how bad it feels to have a spouse talk about other women with such gusto while not even being able to plan a simple date with me. That feels horrible and yucky and all kinds of icky.

I think it is too early to tell whether or not your relationship is to broken to be fixed. As hard as it will be, try not to worry about the relationship right now. Try to focus on yourself. Try to read the lessons and figure out the dynamic between the two of you. The lessons have been wonderful for helping me to figure stuff out.

I wouldn't recommend making any kind of decision about anything at the moment. I would focus on finding ways to protect yourself (setting boundaries) and finding ways to give yourself the time and space to heal. I have spent so much time focusing on my husband that I too became kind of numb. I avoided feeling much of anything and instead kept trying to figure out how to take care of him. It didn't work.

I have been on this site for close to a year. I still don't know if my husband and I will be together in the long run. I want things to work for our four kids so I stick with it and keep plugging along. I had to carefully consider my values before coming to that conclusion. I was all over the place and confused out of my mind when I found this site. I still have a lot of confusion but it is at least manageable. 

 

[Finn1234]

It tortures me to know that he is all about them. That regardless how much he said he cares for me and our child he shows now sign to improve his behavior. I don't think it's just me who don't accept adultery in a marriage yet he feels that it is no big deal. He even asked me to let him go for 1 year and he shall return as a faithful husband, though he cannot guarantee it won't happen again.

I have so many questions in my mind and I can't sleep nor eat. I'm not functioning and it is a big problem now that I'm the sole care taker of our child. I met with him today and he didn't even ask how our child was. It makes me really sad but on the other hand I know it is his illness that is controlling him.

He left just 1 day and already he told me he skipped his morning medicine.