So another couple of weeks goes by and nothing has changed.
This is important. If you don't change and/or she doesn't change, things will stay the same.
You can only control your part of the equation, though
My ex got back in contact with me again a month ago now, with the understanding that I was not interested in friendship but that I would be open to something romantic. She said she wanted to explore that too.
Good job for not accepting "let's just be friends"
The thing I recall from your other thread is that she pushes away and then she comes back, wants to meet and you go along (you meet on her terms). Is this correct?
If yes, then this dynamic is being reinforced as the cycle repeats.
So what could you change here?
We met up a couple of days after contact had resumed and things got physical, all was well or so I thought.
Of course all was well. That moment there
Right after that began the push cycle again, nothing overt but she suddenly was "busy" a lot, texting tapered off quite a bit.
She got triggered by something and pushed away.
If it came from you, then you can learn to identify those triggering words, gestures, conversations, etc and control them.
If it's her stuff, then don't take it personally. She has to learn to deal with it, you can't control it.
Then just over a weak ago in a moment of realness she admitted to me she is sabotaging the relationship but doesn't know why because it is what she wants.
This is very BPD. My BPDgf says it feels like being possessed, very hard to control. When things are great she feels very uncomfortable, so to return to "normal", self sabotaging is the way to go. Chaos feels familiar
I've just remained calm and acted unphased and understanding. But it's getting to me.
Yes, staying centered is the best you can do for yourself and for the r/s. It's normal if it gets to you, though. We all have moments of weakness. Accept it and be kind to yourself. BPD is a serious mental illness.
We are at the stage now where my texts get responded to several hours later, but if I don't text her for a day she will still initiate small talk. She wants to meet for lunch but it's impactical due to work schedules. Any attempt to make an evening date is deflected. We live 5 minutes away from each other but don't see each other.
I agree with
FF. You can implement change here (strategies).
I have tried to set up weekend or evening stuff because I feel like we need to get back to having fun but as I say it gets blocked outright with various excuses.
I understand
But she is not ready for that (yet).
I feel like giving up tbh, I mean I was happy when she admitted she was stalling things because I thought it'd lead to honest dialogue but that didn't happen. Since then she has twice texted me to tell me she's feeling very down, But won't really talk about it and quickly exits the conversation. I do consider this slight progress as she's at least revealing those feelings to me.
I hear you, it feels like giving up.
Seems like she wants to open up to you but then hides again.
Any advice or ideas?
This is the staying board and my advice to you is to lower your expectations, take it sloow and start changing strategies so bad habits don't get reinforced (it's difficult, I know). Last but not least, build yourself with patience and stay centered
mw
