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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: How To Validate This?  (Read 410 times)
Turkish
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« on: July 29, 2015, 12:36:41 AM »

My Ex got married to the other man early last month. Interestingly, S5 seemed to calm down after he moved in...

Tonight we were talking about families. S5 said out of the blue,."mommy is OM's wife." I replied that she was. He said, "because Mommy doesn't like you anymore." I couldn't think of anything else to reply with than yes. That seemed to satisfy him.

At some point, the kids will likely realize how he came into their lives, but I won't worry about that now. In reality, there is no PA, and my ex even invited me to go on vacation with them last month. I declined. Im neither bringing the cake, nor eating it. Maybe there's nothing more I can say other than what I think they can handle, age-appropriately.
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Ulysses
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« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2015, 02:08:09 AM »

I'm struggling with a bit of this, too.  My kids' dad is getting remarried (to his most recent OW).  The other day D6 started talking about how people just fall out of love, and S12 told her to be quiet.  So I imagine the conversation at their dad's house was that we just fell out of love, and that's why we're not together.  No discussion of mental health diagnoses, infidelity, lying, stealing money, psychological abuse, etc.

I talked with D therapist, who suggested I can speak to D about love, give her my thoughts on what love is.  I haven't yet, in part because I don't feel calm enough to, and I don't want any of my stress to bleed through the conversation. 

Maybe your S5 was translating, "people fall out of love" to, "Mommy doesn't like you anymore." 

It's times like these when I feel "less than."  I have to remind myself to keep my chin up.
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Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2015, 11:59:14 PM »

I think I usually have a pretty good handle on people, even kids. I think its good to remind myself about talking to them age-appropriately though. It seems harder given that they are our kids, and of course given the truth of what happened and our emotions dealing with it.

I think my long-term concern is the kids being influenced to accepting that its ok to abandon a r/s for superficial reasons that may be communicated to them. Like when S5 said a few months ago, "mommy moved out because the house was messy." Its possible that he made that up, but more likely he was telling the truth that she told him that. I don't know the full extent of what goes on over there. S5 doesn't tell me much, and I don't pry. The other day, however, when I was describing D3's splitting, "I don't love you, I love Mommy!" She told me that our daughter has said the same thing to her. This seems normal behavior for a 3 year old who isn't getting her immediate needs met. My Ex volunteered, however, that S5 told her recently that he wanted to stay with Daddy for days and days and a lot of days. He's never said anything that vehement with me. She moved out 1.5 years ago, and a year ago he said he wanted to go to Mommy's. That was the only time.

Two weekends ago, she brought the kids to my church on her weekend. She isn't obligated to do this, and I always thank her for doing so. My mom got him a picture Bible last month. I had a feeling I should have brought it, but didn't. When they dismissed the kids for Sunday school, he realized that he didn't have it and he dysregulated, refusing to go even after I explained that it would be boring for him to stay with us. I kept asking him, and he was adamant about not going.

He kept being angry, and got more upset when I told him he couldn't play games on my phone. A few times, he leaned on his mom, but 80% of the time he laid across my lap and let me hug him. I was the one disciplining him, not his mom. That tells me a lot. Maybe it was because I was vakidating him just by paying attention to him?
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Ulysses
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« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2015, 12:26:51 AM »

Excerpt
I think its good to remind myself about talking to them age-appropriately though. It seems harder given that they are our kids, and of course given the truth of what happened and our emotions dealing with it.

I think so too.  It is a challenge for me sometimes because S12 is well beyond his years in many ways.  He's technically gifted, with all the good and all the challenges that come with that.  Wise beyond  his years in some ways, but wanting (and deserving!) to be a kid.

Excerpt
I think my long-term concern is the kids being influenced to accepting that its ok to abandon a r/s for superficial reasons that may be communicated to them.

Yes, and I want to be very careful when I communicate with them about love  that I don't come off as criticizing their father and his version of love.  A friend recently told me exNPD/BPDh is like a little kid who excitedly unwraps his Christmas gift, tires of it quickly, then tosses it aside for the next shiny new package.  Of course I can't say that to my children, but I think my friend has an interesting point.

That's great that their mom brings them to your church.  My exH led me to believe he was religious before we were married.  We attended church, then after we were married he never went to church.  There was always a reason.  Then he swung into church attendance after our S was born, and even was hired to be in charge of Sunday School (if only they knew about his pornographic endeavors).  Now he's off church again.  I noticed before our divorce he would become quite angry if the sermon was about giving up power and control.  He's become hostile to religion and it's bleeding over into S12.  I'm not a super-churchy person, was raised absentarianism, but I do want my children at least exposed to spirituality and I really don't want them to become hostile or belligerent to any religion.

I don't know what to tell you as to why your S5 hung out with you.  Could be you were providing a calm, accepting atmosphere.  It could be that he wanted to be with both his mom and dad.  Do you ever feel like either of your children are trying to protect you?  Or your ex?  They might be too young to feel that.

I think it's normal for little kids to love one person or one thing and then the next day change their mind.  If I recall from when my children were younger, it's very common at around age 4.  The example I saw was a cartoon of a child one day proclaiming how much she loved red apples.  The next day when her mom gave her one she screamed how much she hated red apples and demanded green apples, in fact was indignant that her mom had served her red apples.  Parenthood is a trip.
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Turkish
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Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2015, 01:13:04 AM »

Patenthood is indeed a trip! I'm Christian, but stayed away from church for yeas,.a lot due to social anxiety, which I've resolved on my own. I also felt like, "she can get triggered over something so simple as going to the mall. How to get us and the kids to church?" I started going when she emded it, an interestingly the first morning I had already planned to go to a new church, I found the evidence of her cheating on her phone. That was a horrible day, but thankfully,.almost two years past.

She was flirting with Bhuddism as she was leaving. The meditation and mindfulness might have helped. The OM is super Godly (to the point of being weird). I'm not sure how much is real, and how much is mirroring him, and partly me. Though the first 6 months were tough for me to see her, I've gotten better. Part of it is realizing that the kids get socialization in Sunday school (S5 just did a week long "camp" there, where they had all sorts of activities), and part of it might be to keep a connection to me. ":)addy" approval (unhealthy), but also some of it is genuine.

S5 split me today. I had forgotten a Yahoo (chocolate soy drink) in the freezer. He insisted on sipping it rather than a warm one. When he couldn't get more liquid out, he wanted me to cut off the top to get at the ice. I said no, that it would make a mess. He dysregulated. Then said that he wanted to stay at Mommy's, crying. D3 started in on this, too, since she was there. I was firm, and 15 mins later, both kids were fine. Sometimes, their mom has called me when she can't handle them. I would never do that. If they flat out asked, "I want to call Mommy," I probably would. I've supported her on these triangulations in the past. I need to deal with them on my own, and more importantly, the kids need to be taught how to deal with their own emotions.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
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« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2015, 09:54:43 AM »

Out of the mouth of babes 

I miss that age, when S14 said everything he was thinking.

Something that took me years to make habitual are asking validating questions, especially when our kids mention things that are emotional for us.

Because even when they're talking about us, they're really talking about themselves. I believe my son still does this, even though he's 14. He's still emotionally working through the divorce, so when any topic that comes up about mom/dad, I treat it like it's about S14.

"How do you feel about that?"

":)o you feel sad about that?"

"What are you feeling when you say that?"

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Breathe.
Turkish
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Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2015, 11:13:24 PM »

"How do you feel about that?"

":)o you feel sad about that?"

"What are you feeling when you say that?"

Thanks lnlosaurus! I sometimes forget to validate the kids, and these are perfect crib notes   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
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