Co-parenting with a BPD who keeps trying to "win".

[Yayalupi]

  Hello, I am new here. I do not know why I didn't seek support and help here long ago. I divorced my BPD 2 years ago after 18 years of marriage. While married, I thought I had figured out how to manage it and how he ticked. I thought I knew how to prevent his explosions and how to talk to him in exactly the right way, but one day he physically attacked me. I decided to divorce him and co-parenting has been complete hell ever since, especially  now that I have remarried. I am trying to co-parent with him, but it is nearly impossible. He has succeeded in winning the devotions of my two teenagers and turned them against me. I am heartbroken. He unleashed a huge smear campaign on me this week and is accusing me of being an abusive parent. He said everyone needs to be careful around me and not to be fooled by my sweetness and ability to articulate myself. And on and on and on. He is even attacking my businesses. He is systematically trying to dismantle my life! All of this started when I gave him a time boundary when he asked if he could take our youngest daughter to lunch on my parent time. It's like he won't stop until he "wins" or destroys me.    

His outrage is harming our children and I am struggling to function under all the stress and allegations against me. Can someone please tell me what I need to do to avoid triggering him? He gets triggered over everything and then blames me. I know I cannot keep walking on eggshells, but I want to avoid these episodes as much as possible. Maybe what I am really asking is: what is the core belief or core insecurity deep down inside of a BPD that causes them to feel so threatened and angry?

It seems like he is afraid of losing his power over me or something. But I am sure there are several core values that he feels threatened over. I just want to understand what they are.

Also, how do you stop a BPD from slandering you. How do you shut it down? Is there a boundary I can set that would finally stop him?

Thank you in advance for your help!

[Turkish]

Hi Yayalupi,

I'm glad you've reached out to us for support!

Being the target of allegations sounds serious. Is it possible that he's projecting his own abuse of the kids onto you? Are there legal implications here, or is it an alienation campaign with the kids, or a public smear campaign? What's the custody situation like?

I encourage you to start by going through the lessons to the right of this board. Understanding BPD and learning non-triggering communication tools can help.

Regarding your last comments... .it may be likely that your remarriage threatens him, and he may feel more powerless, as you say. In addition to his emotional limitations based upon core fears (abandonment, shame), there is likely a biogenetic component as well: his brain could be wired differently.  Whatever it is, he's still responsible for his behaviors, and I'm glad you got out after being physically attacked. Are there any other factors in play here, like substance abuse?

I hope to hear more and how we can help, Yayalupi.



Turkish

[ForeverDad]

In addition to what Turkish wrote, I'd like to redirect you from "Why is he like this?" and "How can I stop his various actions?" -- things that you may never get complete answers and over which you have little or no control over -- to questions that might be more productive such as "How can I get my children into counseling so that they have a trained, experienced, objective, resource and advocate for them and not Parent Vs Parent?"

Perhaps you've had counseling.  Perhaps the children are already in long term counseling.  If so, great!  But if not, then that would be one fine goal.  You've learned that you can say whatever is logical and common sense but evidently the other parent has been actively sabotaging you by every means possible.  So you too need a proactive strategy to counter that obstruction.  Family or domestic courts like counseling for the children (regardless how much your Ex will oppose it) and would likely order it as a 'solution' if you had to go back to court to get it addressed.  Once the children are grown the courts won't step in and that window of opportunity will be gone.

Also, you can browse among the many resources described on our Books and Articles boards, just to mention a couple.  One excellent book is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  The recent editions of his book include references to his website and a program called Family Bridges, a vacation-style workshop retreat with the children to help open the children's eyes and minds.

Whatever else, keep browsing and sharing here, there is a wealth of accumulated collective wisdom.  We've "been there, done that."  We've survived and even prospered, better than we had feared.  Let us Pay It Forward to you too.

[momtara]

yeah, my first thought was that "how can I avoid triggering him" may not be the only question you need to ask or a question that can always be answered. I ask that often, and you may not always have control over it. Sometimes BPD people seem to get triggered just due to a LACK of drama!

Your remarriage does likely press some of his buttons.

What you did is hard because you have to set boundaries, but boundaries may piss him off for a few days. A few people here have recommended saying "I prefer to stick with the parenting plan." And that kind of shifts the blame from yourself to the court or the order you both agreed to.

I'm sorry for the alienation and smear campaign. You may want to read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy.

You will get more advice here, but those are my initial thoughts. Good luck! Lots of us are in a similar situation.