Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:44:45 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Can't read D on her birthday  (Read 381 times)
Ulysses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« on: July 30, 2015, 10:35:21 PM »

Well, today is my D6, now 7 birthday.  She's with exNPD/BPDh this year.  He won't let me talk to her.

Background:  S12 bd was in June.  He was with me this year.  He wanted a slumber party, so I coordinated with exH because he has house.  S12 got to see exH for his birthday in the morning and then I picked him up.  I would have offered to let S12 see each of us at any rate, but it worked out with the slumber party and I was happy about it.  I would have offered because it seemed like S12 wanted that, and I also felt it was the first year like this and it wouldn't be nice to tell exH he couldn't see S12.  D6 asked all summer if she could see both of us on her bd (she also asked this last year, and we complied, and her therapist has told me children this age want that).  I emailed exH a few times (3) over the course of the summer to see if we could coordinate something.  No answer until last week when he and his new fiancée said no (they both sign the emails they send, it's not just his name).

D6 again asked me Tuesday night before going to her dad's on Wed.  I explained we made agreement when we divorced, this year she's with her dad.  I also told her I asked if I could pick her up to take her to a treat and he said no.  I explained to her the reason her brother got to see both parents is because he was with me this year per the agreement, and I coordinated with their dad, because it was important to me.  BTW I worked on this with my T.  It's a fine line to walk, and I felt the biggest problem was D6 thinking her mom didn't want to see her on her birthday.  I realize not everyone probably agrees with this, and I don't really care.

So today, he went to work, dropped her at daycare.  D6 asked me to stop by daycare on the way to work to say Happy Birthday.  I did and she wasn't there, which was weird because it was 1.5 hours after he usually drops her off.  So I figured he took the day off work and she was getting to do some special things.  Part of me wondered if he brought her in late because she told him she asked me to stop by, but that seemed rather paranoid thinking to me so I dismissed it.  I did stop by on my way home, just on the off chance that they were there, and yes, there she was.  I hugged her, said Happy Birthday, and she asked me, why didn't you stop by this morning like you said you would?  I told her I did but she wasn't there.  I asked her if she had her phone so I could call her later and she didn't seem able to say where it was.  She packed it before she left Wednesday, I saw her.

I'm allowed two calls to the children per the parenting plan.  ExH violates this frequently.  He's not making her available for me to call today, not answering my email, text, and phone message.  So it's my daughter's 7th birthday and I don't get to talk to her. 

I have other things to concentrate on, other projects to do (I'm in graduate school, passing with almost 100%, and have a paper to write in the next 3 days).  But this hurts and I'm trying not to be angry and I'm trying to not be feel depressed.  Will people who do these things ever ever feel remorse for what they do to their children and other people?
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2015, 11:11:29 PM »

Its so sad when people use innocent children to punish others. I'm sorry you are missing D7, Ulysses.

My T once told me something, "I sense a lot of your anger stems from expecting her to be who she is not." Your exH is who he is, emotionally limited and immature; focused upon his own needs rather than those of your daughter. Remorse isn't a river in Egypt, denial is. He will likely never show remorse. Its so tough to deal with these feelings with children in the middle...
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Ulysses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2015, 11:25:55 PM »

Thanks Turkish.  Your point is well taken, about the pain stemming from wanting him to be someone he isn't.  I forget that in the frustration of dealing with all of this.  Plus when I get busy I don't take time to journal and reflect.  Sometimes I wonder about accepting who he is.  It feels like giving up, because he is quite intelligent and he seemed self-reflective sometimes when we were in MC (although the MC told us, it might just be smoke and mirrors).  I will hang onto what your T said, and try to accept the fact that he is like this.  Put children in the mix and it's extra hard.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2015, 11:40:17 PM »

Its also hard when our pwBPD are high functioning in other areas, but may be wrecks behind closed doors. He only saw her twice (but picked up on the fact that she didn't trust men... .by asking her point-blank), but based upon my stories over subsequent months, said she was a compartmentalized personality. She was different things to different people, depending upon her roles. She's very competent in whatever job she has. Its the private stuff which only we may see which can be confusing, and of course hurtful.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Eco
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 540



« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2015, 11:50:32 PM »

So sorry you are going through that

You're not alone my ex pulls this kind of stuff all the time, My ex uses my daughter as a weapon against me all the time and its infuriating. Its hard to not let anger take over in these situations, kids should not be used like that its already hard enough on them. I hope it gets better for you and your daughter.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2015, 12:03:52 AM »

I'm actually not struggling like that (using the kids to triangulate).  Its the subtle things, like some signs of emotional incest. My T observed, "she's not a bad mother, but neglectful." My kids are only 3 and 5. There's a lot I don't see yet. pwBPD can get triggered when the children naturally grow and become more independent.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2015, 10:45:33 AM »

Will people who do these things ever ever feel remorse for what they do to their children and other people?

It's a been said that the past is the best predictor of the future.  Unless ExH gets into therapy and actually applies it diligently for the years to come, don't expect him to have remorse, insight or a sense of reciprocity.  Yes, you shared previously S12 on his day but for exH his perception is there is no connection or basis (no real empathy) to reciprocate on D's day.  They can't (or don't) see (or care) how others are impacted, focus is on themselves or what they want.

Other than addressing this call blocking in court and modifying the order, some have chosen to work with the situation as it is and have separate events with the children on their time.  As some have said, the kids virtually get two of each holiday.  Just understand that exH will likely do the same in the coming years... .when he wants something or it is something he likes, he will 'cooperate' but if it doesn't benefit him or if it benefits you, expect utter silence, non-response, denial or obstruction.  Reciprocity will only work, maybe, if it is in the court order.
Logged

Ulysses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2015, 09:46:59 PM »

Thank you for your responses.  It's nice to know there are people who I can share with, who understand, and can offer some really sound words of advice, that provide solace.  I've given up sharing much with my family and friends because it seems like they get upset and I hate to upset them.  I also am trying to direct my energies in positive directions and it's easy to slip into talking a lot about negative things.

Excerpt
said she was a compartmentalized personality

That is exactly what MC said about exH.  I wondered what the difference between that and insanity was.  Although, I think I could use a little compartmentalization of my own, to set aside the junk that upsets me with exH and get on with my life.

Eco, I've read some of your posts and I'm really sorry for what you're experiencing.  My D had just turned 4 when my life exploded and my MC really took my words to heart when I said I didn't want to divorce and not see her at such a young age. He actually told us that his interest was the children, and keeping them safe.  Eventually the marriage didn't work out, but by that time she was in school.  And I had found enough information online that my previous L filed paperwork under the child abuse section to keep exH's OW (at that time - he has a new one now) away from my children.

Excerpt
pwBPD can get triggered when the children naturally grow and become more independent

I wonder if I'm beginning to see that with S12, as he becomes independent. 

Excerpt
Unless ExH gets into therapy and actually applies it diligently for the years to come, don't expect him to have remorse,

MC again.  Said almost the same thing to me a few years ago.  Said if exH was willing to "do the work" it would take  years, maybe a couple of decades.  And from what he saw, exH wasn't "doing the work."  So very sad to me.  A family ripped apart, children's lives turned upside down, because of some stupid mental health/emotional issue.

My sister, last weekend, told my daughter how cool it is that she gets so many bd celebrations.  So at least my D had that bug put in her ear, and could see a positive about not seeing both parents on her bd.  I wouldn't want to host one bd party with exH, but it would have been great to have been able to take D for ice cream for an hour, since she was at daycare anyway during that time.

Thanks again.  It is so painful sometimes and I have a lot of work myself to do.  I never thought I would be divorced and putting my kids through this.  Onward and upward, grateful for the support here.

Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2015, 11:19:09 PM »

Regarding the stupid mental health/emotional issue, I look at these immature behaviors as a disorder of character. Another thing my T said was that typically, personalities don't change. That was his version, I think, of pushing me towards radical acceptance.

I picked up the kids this afternoon. Their mom was happy and so were the kids. 1.5 years of her gone, and I still struggle with accepting the compartmentalization. I knew that person. I also knew another, and another, and at least another... . 

Even my best friend I sense gets tired of me talking about things sometimes. We found out this year that his younger adult sister is dBPD, and dSeveral Other MI's, too. 

How is your daughter doing now, did you get a chance to talk?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Ulysses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2015, 10:49:15 AM »

It's going to be a long haul and another thing I feel is that when I complain or explain what exH does, I sound like I'm whining.  Consequently, I don't want to tell people about it.  I try to ignore it but that's not a solution either because he runs over me, so to speak.  It is still difficult to set aside the sadness and frustration when dealing with things.  I'm getting better at approaching it as a business situation.  The one predictable thing is that exH is unpredictable and periodically I will be taken by surprise by his actions.

My D is doing alright.  I saw her Friday when I took her to her weekly therapy appt. (I take her every week).  We had an ok time, she slept in the car awhile.  She was tired.  She cried and fussed on the way home about being too hot, then when we were almost to her dad's house she started crying and yelling about how unfair everything is.  She's done this a few times before, where she cries and yells about how worthless she is, or how unfair everything is, before she goes to his place.  Hard to stay calm and sit with her in those moments, but at least it's clear cut enough to me that I know exactly what to do as a mother.  Not so with my S12 right now.

ExH was late picking up the children from daycare on D bd.  Like, everyone-else-had-left-late.  My D told me she went out to dinner.  The restaurant she chose was far from exH house, but right next door to the studio where I teach on that day/evening (she's been to the studio a few times).  I wasn't there on her bd, but I did wonder if that's why she chose it.  She told me excitedly about the bd cake she got, it genuinely sounded to me like a fantastic cake, then later she told me it was too sugary and she didn't eat much.

My lesson I've learned is that I will move mountains to always take the day off work on her birthday to be available to spend time with her.  I don't think exH can demand that she be in daycare rather than with a parent, especially on her birthday, but in two years I'll be prepared to treat it like a business situation and send it to mediation at least one month before her birthday.  Either I'll prevail, or he'll compete and take the day off work, in which case she'll at least get a special day with her dad, or, the decision will go against me, he'll put her in daycare, and I'll know I've done everything I can do.

I want to say again I am really grateful for the support here.  I've been going it alone a bit over the last few months (missed many therapy appointments because of work and school schedule) and taking this time to reflect and connect helps me feel centered again, even in the midst of work, school, looking for housing, raising kids, etc.
Logged
Eco
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 540



« Reply #10 on: August 02, 2015, 07:19:41 PM »

Excerpt
It's going to be a long haul and another thing I feel is that when I complain or explain what exH does, I sound like I'm whining.  Consequently, I don't want to tell people about it.  I try to ignore it but that's not a solution either because he runs over me, so to speak.  It is still difficult to set aside the sadness and frustration when dealing with things.  I'm getting better at approaching it as a business situation.  The one predictable thing is that exH is unpredictable and periodically I will be taken by surprise by his actions.

Im right there with you on feeling like im whining, I don't really talk to my friends anymore about my ex and my family are really sick of hearing about my ex so these boards are my only venting ground at the moment. Im about to start back in counseling which helped in the past, I cant afford it at the moment. I do feel its important to talk it out ( for me at least ) because if not it can build up and cause issues, kind of like a infection some wounds need to be drained before they can heal.

Excerpt
I don't think exH can demand that she be in daycare rather than with a parent, especially on her birthday, but in two years I'll be prepared to treat it like a business situation and send it to mediation at least one month before her birthday.  Either I'll prevail, or he'll compete and take the day off work, in which case she'll at least get a special day with her dad, or, the decision will go against me, he'll put her in daycare, and I'll know I've done everything I can do.



My ex is doing this, she would rather my daughter be watched by a babysitter then with me. she even went as far as taking my daughter out of daycare facility that she was doing great at and loved to being watched at my exs house while she was at work by a stranger, the reason for this was I was able to visit my daughter at the daycare regardless if my ex wanted me to or not. I cant do that if she is being watched at her house, It sickens me at how someone can be so hateful and cruel.

I hope to change the court order when I go back to court next month. Its refreshing to hear that you would rather your ex get time with your daughter ( if you cant ) vs a daycare.
Logged
Ulysses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2015, 07:07:45 PM »



Excerpt
Its refreshing to hear that you would rather your ex get time with your daughter ( if you cant ) vs a daycare.

I'm really trying.  I'm no saint and I really disagree with my kids' dad and his values (or lack of).  But I think in the long run it's healthier for the children that he is in their lives.  In my mind it's way better for them to be with him e.g. on their birthdays, than at daycare from 7:30am-6pm (or later, as was the case).  I am really looking in my heart and I don't recognize feelings that I want to take the children away or deny him anything.  I just miss them a lot when they're gone, and I disagree with the way he treats them.  It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that the life you planned for your children has been shattered with a wrecking ball.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2015, 08:32:09 PM »

I forget which exact situation I was sruggling with, but he asked me,."what's best for the children?" This is often hard to see given what we may have been caught up with while in the r/s, and processing betrayal even harder.

I think I am more resentful of her for taking the kids away from me for literally years out of our lives, than anything else. Still, she's their mother, and they love her. Its gotten better over the past year for them, too.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!