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Author Topic: Sort of depressing after a year of good cheer...  (Read 383 times)
ennie
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Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« on: August 03, 2015, 01:40:21 AM »

Well, last time we had the kids pretty much sucked.  Just to give you some context, I have been with DH 8 years, since about a year after he broke up with BPDex.  His two girls, SD15 and SD11, are very close with me, and our last 6 months has been especially amazing.  BPD ex goes from loving me to hating me, with vicious yelling attacks and threats waning to kindly visits when I am ill, etc.

We had year of BPDex being prettying nice to me, though she has been drinking more and declining in her interactions with others.  SD15, very enmeshed, has finally been communicating with me and DH a little more about how her mom is really doing, etc. BPD mom lost it at SD15's graduation in front of all, to the point where the principal asked her not to come to school the next day for her other daughter's graduation.  SD15's friends told her her mom is a drunk, and said some mean things. 

Then, after some really sweet and very open talks with me on these topics, SD15 flipped her lid and became furious at DH and I for "saying bad things about her mom," basically mimicking the stuff she had said the week before about her mom drinking too much, with us saying that does not make mommy bad, but it is something if we can talk about is much more safe. 

This led to SD15 screaming at us both in the car, totally furious.  We all got over it an hour later, but the rest of the weekend trip was terrible, and I ended up getting very sad and crying. 

This week, I get a series of 6 or 7 screaming yelling blame calls from BPD mom furious at me for telling the kids she is a drunk (which I did not).  She is raging, which I listen to for about 20 minutes or so, and she just ramps up to yelling and cussing at me. I say, "I am happy to talk with you about this if you can do it without cussing at me."  She cusses at me, I hang up.  This happens 5 times, once with her on speaker phone, the kids in the background, mommy yelling, "You hear that kids, ennie says you are both LIARS!  Don't you dare call my kids liars, B---h!" I say clearly, "I am not calling anyone a liar, I am saying I am open to talking with you if you can stop cussing and not yell. If you want an exchange of information, I am open to that, but just hearing you yell does not seem to be helping you or me. so I am hanging up now." 

She then starts texting.  After a bit, I respond, texting that I do care about her, that I did not call her a drunk, that the kids are talking about this stuff, that I said that I had seen her intoxicated, but that does not mean that she is bad, and it is just safer to talk about this stuff than to hide it.  I also said that while I am willing not to talk about it for some time, if the kids ask questions, it is important to me to communicate, but that I dod not think BPD mom is bad and I would not want to shame her or not care about her.  I offered to meet with her and a 3rd party to try to talk about some of this very difficult stuff, that I get it is difficult.  She texted how she "knows all about us" from the kids, that we drink a lot, have TONS of bottles of alcohol (we drink about 1 drink every 2 nights, but DH loves having a bar to serve guests, one one of the things he and his ex never had because she is a serious binge drinker, so they could not maintain alcohol in the house).  She texts that the kids hate me and fear me, etc.  That DH does not love me, is just using me.  Blah blah blah. 

On the one hand, I am not affected by this as I used to be.  It is just her thing.  On the other hand, I had just been starting to feel loving of her, not just theoretically.  She has been being kind to me, and the kids loved that and felt so good and safe.  SD15 told me that the best thing she could imagine for her mom would be to spend a week with me.  So I felt sad that this period of happy was suddenly over. And that the kids threw me so violently under the bus--I think because of the conversation mentioned above with SD15, but also just because we have had stressful month. 

Meanwhile, I am opening a new business, which is terribly stressful, dealing with lots of raging calls from BPD mom, fearing seeing the kids next week and having to act like all is well when I feel pretty hurt. 

I am just at a terribly stressed time of life, and did not need this to rise up again.  I really feel for the girls, who knows how this is for them.  It really is so confusing. 

Anyway, just wanted to share because we had a long period without incident.  I feel like putting up one of those OSHA signs, how many days since the last accident, but it would be # of days since the last public outburst of rage directed at DH or me.  Now, my counter is set back to 4. 
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ambivalentmom
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 2nd marriage/married for 6 years
Posts: 87



« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2015, 01:26:58 PM »

Even after 8 years, it's no less exhausting.



I'm glad you are able to talk more openly to the girls and even more glad they have a positive role model they can imitate.  It sounds like SD15 is starting to test the waters of openess and getting a negative reaction from her mom.  She may have even picked up on her mom's anger and transferred it by being mad at you.  Once my D12 came home mad at me because I didn't answer the phone.  I knew her dad was the one that was mad (he was late and probably wanted to tell me) and by her being mad at me too, she received none of his anger (and I calmly told her and showed her that no one called).

I would recommend, but I'm in the dark too, that you don't even mention that SD15 was the one talking about it.  Not lying, just not rebutting mom's remarks.  Dealing with BPD is something that many grownups can't handle (why I am on this site).  Now our children must handle the concept of personality disorders without us being able to clearly explain them, on the receiving end of rage from someone who needs to love them unconditionally, and all the emotional confusion of adolesence.  Try to keep them out of the line of fire, even though it was them and something BPD mom shouldn't be flipping out for. 

I'm also thinking that it might benefit the girls if you don't act like all is well all the time.  If SD15 starts yelling, tell her it's upsetting you and you both should take a break.  React the way a person should react, show them healthy emotional responses and communicating, so they can imitate and use it in their relationships.

If you are able to suggest this to DH, see if they can see a professional to help guide them in understanding BPD (age appropriate for each SD).  They can help determine what should be talked about and ways SDs can communicate with their mom. 

As always, document everything, maybe get a phone app that forwards texts to an email account and ask a lawyer about recording in public. Just for the bad days.

If you are able, find a way to show mom that you need her (lessen her fear of abandonment). Ask advise, certain food (for her to bring), or anything that shows you can't replace her (just appealing to the BPD side).  She will huff and comment that she always has to do everything or that you can't handle it yourself (to validate herself), but this might lessen the tension a little.

Just throwing some ideas out there, but you will know the situation better to make the call.


     

I really like hearing how much you are doing for the girls.  I would love to be able to communicate with my daughter's stepmom.  Do what you can to record what is happening (maybe screenshot your own posts from this site to print out and keep with other documents).  Do this to recall events if you ever need to in the future, then get them out of your head.  Easier said than done (I know), but the quicker you can get the events out of your head, the less stressed you will be. 

Maybe also try looking at negative events objectively, especially for BPD mom, to keep from getting as hurt.  I would say:  SDs are not emotionally mature and testing the waters. They are scared and will react like scared children, especially against an angry mom.  Don't ever think they betrayed you.  BPDex is emotionally unstable and afraid her children will abandon her.  She envisioned the conversations you had as a plot against her.  The hardest part about this for me is knowing that I can never really make my ex see otherwise.  You are doing very well and we are here for you.  Take care of yourself and your SDs will eventually follow your example.

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Ulysses
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Posts: 239


« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2015, 06:20:25 PM »

Excerpt
I feel like putting up one of those OSHA signs, how many days since the last accident, but it would be # of days since the last public outburst of rage directed at DH or me.  Now, my counter is set back to 4. 

That made me smile.  I think, though, that you might be on to something there.  Keeping track of outbursts might not be a bad idea.  When I was still married I was journaling a lot about the crazy-making behavior.  I eventually saw patterns and cycles.  Some of the cycles are seasonal, (which makes me wonder if exNPD/BPDh also has some bipolar aspects to him, as a nurse and a T have suggested to me), others happened when I started to set boundaries, or not caretake exH emotions. 

Anyway, if you keep track you might find a pattern, which might in turn make your life easier.  If you can anticipate when something could blow up, you can prepare yourself mentally and emotionally, perhaps, by acknowledging, yes, its X month or X season and the last three years she/he has done xyz during that time.  Or, it's a transition with SD growing up and coming closer to adulthood/independence (graduation), and that might be a trigger.  I don't mean to suggest you have to go out of your way to ease the situation for your SD's mother.  Rather, that you could hold in your mind that it might be a rocky time for her, and you can decide what you'll do for yourself to take care of yourself if/when things get dicey.

Then again, sometimes the only thing that's predictable is that someone is unpredictable.
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DreamGirl
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Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2015, 06:17:53 PM »

Hello my old friend.  

I think hanging up was good... . for you and her. Even though it never feels good to shut someone down in that way.

It sounds like she was coping using all her tools in the BPD tool box (screaming in frustration, projecting, splitting, etc.) and man, it is so hard when you find yourself in the line of fire.

I don't have advice because I don't know that doing anything differently would have changed anything.

It's hard to answer the phone when you know what you may meet on the other end. You want to validate that she's upset, but you don't want to allow being yelled at and being called names. I feel like that's exactly what you did.

It doesn't make it any easier for *us* to get back to baseline after this kind of incident. Like you said, you were starting to feel genuine affection (and probably more trusting). It's a shame when you lose that which has taken so long to establish.

How are doing now that it's been 14 days since the last incident?  

I'm so happy to see you here even though it's under these circumstances.  

~DG
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  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

ennie
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Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2015, 01:10:10 PM »

Thanks, all.  As for your question, Dream Girl, things took a radical turn as mom had a very bad injury and was hospitalized.  DH and I rallied, offered lots of unconditional support without over-rescuing, so the kids got to see that for DH and I, BPDex is family, and we are there for her in an emergency.  This helped both girls to see that mom's story of being in it all alone is baloney, an we got to model supporting someone without rescuing too much, being loving but not taking the c--p. 

BPDmom was clean and sober for the first time in probably a year, and also she is GREAT in emergency situations, so she invite me to visit and we had the first sane heart to heart in some time, tears and apologies an she expressed lots of love and gratitude for me.  When she is injured, her 'normal' person comes out--being an actual victim is what she is trained for!  It felt good that I am at a point where i do not have a giant emotional reaction to her drama, so I can be present when it goes away.  As she has begun healing, she has returned to her victim story, paranoia and the idea that she cannot let anyone in the house but the kids... .but the kids are not mentally ill, so the reality of our care in the face of her story of victimhood has stayed with them.  I had another good talk with SD15, in which she communicated that her yelling at us was mostly about her having PMS, no about what we said. 

So things are back to being good and loving with the girls, and neutral with BPD mom. 

Also, not that her outburst is not in the present, I am remembering that BPDmom had some new words--"Why can't you just let me get all my anger out?"--that indicate a little more self-awareness on her part.  Not that it matters--ultimately, she does not have the communication or self-acceptance tools to be able to communicate about stuff that is painful for her and ways she sees herself as a bad mom.  That stuff is totally triggering for her, and she cannot understand that for me, alcohol abuse and her crazy public behavior does not make her bad, just someone who needs more help than others to be safe.

As for all the suggestions about documentation--honestly, that is not where I am at presently. If she files for more custody, there are numerous ways she has failed to meet the current plan, lots of folks who have witnessed public and dangerous behavior, and we would not have a problem either maintaining the current 50/50 plan or obtaining more time with the kids.  If we file for more time, it would be because something bad happened, so there would be evidence.  For me, tracking it all is bad for my mental state.  I do not want to be in "fight" mode.  I am a stepmom, and it is not my job to decide who the kids live with.  It is up to DH, BPDmom, and the courts.  As my SDs get older, I am more effective as an advisor to them and DH than trying to protect them.  With SD15, she really listens when we have time and space to talk and she is not too hormonal or triggered.  Deep down, she really knows I care about her and her mom and she is interested in what I think.  That is worth gold, and plotting and planning how to derail her desire to live at mom's is less effective than just talking directly with her.

As for SD11, she does not want to live only with mom, and so I can best nurture that by being less stressed out and doing fun things with her.  When I am writing a lot about the hard things mom does, I am also thinking about that, and it changes how I act when she brings up these issues herself.  She will bring up these issues, talk about hard things, and it works better if I can listen and validate her feelings without judgement, and let her know that i do not see her as bad in the ways mom sometimes does.  That I see her as a beautiful, profound, generous, ethical, wise, amazing girl for whom I have total love and respect, and that when I get annoyed or angry that is really my problem not hers. 

As for reacting with more than peace when the kids are upset... .no worries on that front.  I get upset, i yell, but at my best, I just really let them know how their actions affect me and I set boundaries.  With SD15, boundaries work best:  "If you want me to help, yelling at me is not going to work.  I want you to do something to return the energy it took dealing with the way you expressed your anger, like washing some dishes or cleaning the house."  She will do it, because ultimately she wants to fix the problem.  then she comes back, and says, "can we negotiate?  I am ready to do it without being mean."

As for SD11, she fair until she is too tired, hungry, or stressed, and then boundaries do not work. I still set them for my own well-being, but what works with her is just telling her how she affects me.  "I love you very much, and when you say [mean things], I feel hurt, and sad and angry.  Because my heart is open to you, sometimes I get my feelings hurt."  When I communicate this, she almost always thinks about it, then comes and apologizes and does something on her own to let me know she really does not want to hurt me or treat me badly.

In sum, I think the way that the girls and I are working stuff out works well.  Sometimes I lose it when things are really stressful, and I agree that it is good to know that there is a limit to my capacity to deal with that, and also that when I act badly as a result, I am aware of it and own it, but do not let them off of the hook either.  I feel good about where DH and I are at--not documenting, tracking, plotting, just enjoying our family and allowing BPD mom to go through her ups and downs without taking it so seriously, and modeling that for the kids--that her rage or fear is hers, not real and not ours.  That we can help her sometimes, but it is not our job to fix it for her.  SD15 has been telling me that her attitude about her mom has changed, that she is not so focused on fixing things for her, but can just go to her room and ignore mom's anger, come back when her mom is fun.  That awareness and distance to even be able to say that gives me the sense that she is starting that long process of separating, and that less crisis helps that.  Any kind of custody battle is a crises that tosses whatever development is happening out the window--so we will only create that crisis to avert a bigger one, and now is not that time.
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