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Author Topic: Strained relationship with daughter not getting better  (Read 355 times)
newlifeBPDfree
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 146



« on: August 03, 2015, 09:17:23 AM »

I have been going in circles with trying to get my 12 year old daughter out of the grasp of my exBPD manipulation and brainwashing. Every time I feel like things get better between us, he puts more lies and poison in her head.

I'm not sure what else to do. I feel like I'm doing all the right things but my ex BPD husband continues to alienate my daughter and manipulate her against me. Our relationship is very strained. I feel like she does not want to spend time with me or talk to me. She spends hours face timing my exBPD husband.

We are currently in court for child support and to set a schedule. My lawyer also requested a seperate lawyer just for my daughter to make sure her needs are taken care of. My ex is using the fact I asked for a lawyer against me and keeps telling my daughter I'm evil. He also tells her i'm sleeping around with neighbors and go on internet dates while I have not even gone on a single date since i divorce almost 2 years ago. Sad thing is she believes him, yet he just introduced yet another girlfriend to her.

I just discovered her text messages between her and her dad. They call me evil, she told him I was being annoying because I was trying to talk to her and tell her I'm not her enemy but she just decline treating me like enemy just to annoy me. She is going through a very difficult time right now because my exBPDs girfriend she got attached to is moving away to Europe and she is heartbroken. Yet I cant console her because she thinks I'm the enemy. I feel so hurt. I provide financially for her 100% , provide stability and anything she needs yet she choses her unstable and emotionally abusive dad because I'm annoying, lame and evil. I got so upset by finding the messages and wanted to take away her ipad but I did not want to add to her sadness.

I really dont know how to act.


By the way the other day was my birthday and she completely forgot about it. I feel like I'm just a provider of room and board but otherwise she could care less about me.






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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2015, 11:14:27 AM »

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. 

I read ":)ivorce Poison" and it was full of really helpful tips.

One thing the book (and our L) suggested was to get "hooks" to get her excited to be at your place. Pets are always good. Friends in the neighborhood. Family members that she really likes?

We've found that the more time we have with my SD10, the less the PA brainwashing from uBPDbm affects her. One big thing we do is just live our life. We don't answer every false claim that uBPDbm makes (apparently we are abusive alcoholics and drug addicts and making SD10 fat and SD10 is allergic to our house... .the list goes on). If SD10 brings it up, we define the behavior (for example, alcoholism is a disease where... .) and then ask if she sees that behavior. We don't argue with her about it. We don't tell her that her mom is wrong. I might even answer claims with "Well, it's unfortunate that your mom feels that way about me." and leave it at that.

I would suggest just trying to connect with her. Ignore anything involving her dad when she's with you. Don't bring him up, if she does then change the subject. Try and make your time about just you two. If she accuses you of things (dating around, etc) ask her what she has seen that leads her to that opinion. I don't know if I'm explaining that right, but if you empower her to believe the things that SHE sees and thinks instead of what she's told to believe then that helps.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
newlifeBPDfree
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« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2015, 11:49:54 AM »

My behavior has been very consistent with her. I have never bashed her dad, I tried to defend myself a couple times from the crazy accusations but she wont listen anything that will even remotely oppose to what her dad is feeding her with.

She never sees me talking to guys on the phone, I dont go on dates. Why would she believe her dad telling her i'm a slut when he is basically projecting his own behavior on me. All i ever do is work full time and then do freelance work on the side to be able to provide the ebst life for her. She has everything she needs, i have no social life whatsoever, yet I'm being bullied by her and her dad, judged and called evil just because i decided to finally stand up to him trying to manipulate my own life.

Recently its been harder and harder to try to go on with our lives. Even when she is with me she will spend hours face timinmg him. When I suggest we do something she says shes tired. she is very apathetic with me and reaches out to me only when she wants/need something.  She does have a lot of friends in my area but i feel like whenever she is at my place, she just hangs out with her friends so i cant build a good relationship with her.

Also, I feel like I cant discipline her or try to raise her as a respectful human being because all my attempts are misinterpreted as me being evil and annoying. I feel its so hard to be a parent and try to "compete" with the other parent who is emotionally on the same level as her and therefore more fun and trustorthy. It is as if he is her friend. I see their relationship as very unhealthy. I feel like she is filling some kind of relationship void in him and he tells her way too much about adult stuff.

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ambivalentmom
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Relationship status: 2nd marriage/married for 6 years
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« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2015, 03:03:57 PM »

I want to commend you for being such a strong mom for your D12.  I break down regularly even though I have a strong support network (Slew of free therapy, supportive family, and friends).  I think it's amazing that you are able to do so much for her and continue to stay strong while she teams up with the immiture parent to bad mouth you.

  (best emoji ever)  we need to have a one-time, members-only meeting to meet globally somewhere and just "hug it out"

So I would like to offer some random tidbits that has helped me with my D12.  Only you know the situation well enough to decide what can work for you in your area or if any of this is relative to your situation and would even help:

Check with a lawyer (maybe pro bono) and set her up with some sort of counseling.  I spoke with the school guidence couselor to email me, recommending my D12 should see a therapist, so he couldn't refute it.  She is a tween dealing with her parents divorce and that should be enough to recommend some sort of periodic couseling.  This is an unbiased person that can talk her through situations and express her feelings without mom or dad finding out if she doesn't want to share.  She needs a place to feel safe to badmouth both parents if need be.  Maybe also get her a journal that she can use with 100% complete knowlege that you will not be able to open/find it. 

She does need to be a teenager and may need to hate you.  She is trying to branch away from you to discover her own indepenance, but clinging to her dad because she's scared of growing up/doesn't like the rules that come with it.  It might not be ideal, but at least know that it might be normal for her situation and know that there is a mix of her trying to be a teenager and siding with her dad.  She called you a slut because she wanted to hurt you.  She is finding ways to break out and test her independence, but chose that word because she knew that word pushes your buttons (or lying about her dad telling her because that would push your buttons).  Maybe not this time, but any other time.    Smiling (click to insert in post) Sometimes I tell my daughter that she forgot to slam the door  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I also research and talk to friends about all her little behavioral quirks and how to help her through them.  Find adult friends with D12s that are acting out in homes with no PDs.  That might help you determine relate to her as a tween that's rebelling.  She will also be able to bond with a friend that is lashing out in healthy ways and not all the time.  Who knows, you might be able to come close enough that they can take your daughter birthday shopping for your with their daughter.  I would always try to convince my friend's daughter to buy the tackiest thing for her, so she would have to pretend to like it and wear it. 

I found out D12 only likes hugs from the side, she'll cuddle with me only if I act annoyed by it (or I act overly childish about it), loves to pretend to annoy me if I'm overdramatically upset when I respond to her, and she's more open to talk if she's doing something else at the same time (hanging out by the campfire, board games, sitting by the pool).  I ask her personally about what she wants to do with me (when I'm not vulnerable to being shut down).  She still turns me down a lot, but we get some bonding time in there.

Ask the lawyer if you can install an ipad app to forward messages to your email (you will have to decide if it is worth D12 finding out).  Just to keep and show parental alienation in court (not to talk to her about), maybe to suggest parent counseling, supervised visits, or something?

Try to set limits that are more general and don't make them about her dad.  Only allow 1hr/day ipad time or something, if she breaks those rules, setup a child's login account with a curfew (only after she breaks the rules).  Do not allow any phone calls after a certain hour or to disrupt unless it's an emergency (she can talk until dinner's ready or until the movie starts and she will have to call them back after).  Remind her to call back after because that's what people should do.  When she says she gets to eat out or stay up late at her dad's house, tell her that there are different rules at different households.  If she says she doesn't like your rules, respond that she has a set schedule because consistency is important for children (sometimes I say teenagers because my D12 likes when I group her with teenagers).  Don't argue with her when she says "then why does dad... ."  only respond that when she is in different households, different rules apply (also, you can reinforce by saying she needs to be extra respectful as a guest in a friend's household).  If you are consistant with rules and attribute the rules to her well being, then she is more likely to see the rules as separate thing you have less control over and non-negotiable.

And most importantly, take care of yourself, be the person you want your daughter to turn into.   You need to do things for yourself, have healthy relationships with adult friends, date if you want to date.  Show her how she should act/react if she is ever in that exact same situation when she is your age (I hope that would never happen).  Show your daughter that you don't succumb to bullies, that you will assertively tell the people you love that by disrespecting you, they are being is hurtful.  If she calls you a slut, tell her that "slut" is an inappropriate word for her to say and punish her.  If she asks why dad is calling you a slut, tell her that slut is an inappropriate word and that is something you will need to email her dad about (document, document, document).  If it ever gets to a point that she tells you she doesn't want you to email her dad because he will punish her for telling you, then tell her you won't email him and are glad that she is sharing with you (that might be the time to talk to a therapist about slowly introducing PD in an age appropriate way).


I really do hope some or any of this is helpful, I always feel like I'm rambling/ranting.  I feel your pain because you are not getting any sign that she will understand what her dad is doing.  My biggest fear is that my D12 will get sucked in, painted black, and stuck.  How can I expect her to notice what's happening when I got sucked-in by him as a grownup and I had a healthy upbringing?  I think it's easier for teenagers to catch on when they have both households to compare.  Do everything you can to show her what a healthy family is (even if it's just you two).  She will get there, and anytime she starts to seem confused by what's happening with her dad, know that she is getting there and replay that small "win" in your mind over and over to give you strength.




My D12 asked me why I'm trying to keep her away from her dad.  Her dad sent me a hateful email when I moved to the next city, telling me I did this to keep her away from him (I did not move far enough to change weekend visits with him).  The intention of this email was to demand more time with her in the summer because he was moving 3 states away (a fifteen hour drive one-way).  Anyone know how this is my fault? 

I told my daughter that I was glad she asked me and it's really important to communicate, especially when you are confused about something like this.  I went over every move that I made, every move he made, and the reasons for it.  I could tell in her face that there were discrepancies with his story and this is probably my only real "win" for me so far with her.  I think about that as often as I can because the look she had on her face means so much more to me than all the therapists and family members telling me "she will figure him out eventually".



Also a heads up with the child support, any backpay is your money,  your ex is paying back a debt he incurred to you when he didn't pay past child support.  Any current child support is to support the upbringing of your child, not what the child wants.  Finally, talking about child support with your child is inappropriate.  I had to listen to my D12 tell me that I should buy her a playstation with the money her dad gave me for her (it was backpay and yes, she said the amount he gave me).  I was not ready and lost my cool, I'm pretty sure I should have said "I am sorry your dad told you how much money was used for child support, it is inappropriate for him to be talking to you about this, and this money is for your care that is predetermined for us.  We use the court system when we can't agree about what is best for you."  I think I will save the response for a new thread... .

P.S.  "0" Days since last incident... .



   ... .and it was going so well for months... .
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newlifeBPDfree
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 146



« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2015, 04:13:38 PM »

Thank you Ambivalentmom for taking your time and writing such a thoughtful response with a lot of helpful tips. I know it's going to be a long road to recovery but I'm patient.

I actually had a little victory in court today. I have an excellent legal team behind me (it's gonna cost me but it's a good investment) and my ex represented himself. The judge saw right through him and did not get taken by anything he said.  I was granted emergency restraining order, where he cannot contact me in any way. The judge also told my ex he cannot under any circumstance text or call my daughter, which will help tremendously because his calls have been preventing me from having any time with her. She can call him but he has to end the conversation in a reasonable time (that one is a little tricky because "reasonable" to BPD person is a foreign word). I was also granted child support (not much because he is just starting to get back on his feel after being supported by women, including me, after 4 years of unemployment). I'm much more calm and hopeful although I do have a problem with my daughter's attitude.

Today I was picking her up from camp and she would not get in my car and said she'd just walk home. She looked really angry. I had not seen her since Sunday and I was really hoping for a different reaction. I followed her in the car while she was walking and I saw her on the phone with someone while she walked. When she finally got home she put her phone away for a second to tell me she was going to a friends house (yeah she told me she was going, did not ask if she can go but I decided to let it go this one time) I heard that it was my ex was on the phone with her. So immediately I got upset because I know that he filled her in on everything that happened in court today even though he is not supposed to. I think he may need a little warning/reminder what "reasonable" time on the phone may mean.

The court also had assigned public guardian for my daughter, who showed up at the court as well and read the order of protection affidavit with all the evidence of his abuse, so I think she has a very general idea of what we are dealing with here.

Lastly, the judge ordered that my daughter goes to counselling, which I'm trying to set up as soon as possible.

Im hopeful although I know that things will be rocky for a while. At least I dont have to deal with his abuse and I can spend the energy on getting help for both my daughter and I.

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ambivalentmom
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 2nd marriage/married for 6 years
Posts: 87



« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2015, 07:12:35 AM »

I am soo glad to hear about your victory (it sounds like a huge win in my book). 

Your D12 sounds like she has a lot of resentment and will try to put up a fight for "taking her dad away", but I know that you are just going to love all of the hate right out of her.

It also sounds like you have a really great handle on not pushing the subject.

And getting a counselor!YYYYYYAAAAAAYYYYY!  Talk about it as positively as you can.  Get the name of the counselor and only use that.  Tell D12 that there was a great idea mentioned about going to see "First Name of Counselor", who is great because they can talk to you about anything that you don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else about.  Tell her they are legally required to keep it a secret and if D12 doesn't want them to, they won't tell mom anything (say that again with the counselor, so you don't overstep bounds on mandated reporting).  Use phrases like, "we get to see... .  ... .today" (and we eat out after/make counseling an event as part of a day out).

If you feel like going to counseling too, this may be a good way to transition to it.  Your daughter will see that you are very impressed by the counselor and have them reccommend someone for you.  She sees that good, healthy people with stress can go talk to counselors if they don't feel comfortable talking to family yet.

YYAAAAAAYYYY!  I'm very happy for you and am feeling positive that a counselor will help your daughter with her feelings, until she is ready to talk to you.  Let us know how it goes.
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