dosnt want to try again

[married21years]

my wife dosnt want to try again and is using this to regulate my emotion

and it is working, all my attempts at regulation and getting back are meet with resistance.

she tells people i dont want her but i do and she dosn't want anyone knowing what i am doing.

she has shut off a lot of communication and is trying to distance herself from me.

this is crazy as she dosnt want to lose me as a friend but dosnt want more or me living there.

this is insane!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello married21years,

I can understand your confusion and hear how upset you are about this throughout your posts. When the person we love decides that they no longer want to be in a romantic relationship with us and it is not what we want it is heartbreaking. BPD or not. 

The crazy making stuff exists for you within the contradictory behaviours associated with BPD, wanting you as a friend but acting to the contrary by distancing herself from you. This amidst all the upset of what is going on can feel like insanity, because it doesn't make sense to you.

It sounds like for the moment that not being in her marriage is what your wife wants, from what I understand she has been moving toward this decision,for a little while now. What can you do for now that protects you against the emotional wounding that trying to rail against this can cause?

What support do you have?

It is ok to let her know that this is not what you want, as I am sure that you have, but it might be helpful for both of you to reduce your contact with her. ( Are you living together?) Give both of you some space and time to allow each of you to collect your thoughts. Space might help your wife, who for whatever reasons might be feeling overwhelmed as well by her decision, hence the ambivalent behaviours. All of this will be difficult for her too.

It might help if you start to focus on the practical side of things if your wife does not change her mind, what will it mean for you all if you do split up, what areas are priorities ?

married21years I am sure talking about the real possibility of your marriage ending is not what you want to hear, but sometimes facing the worst that could happen and what that might look like can help your emotions stop overwhelming you. 

[married21years]

she is just not willing to try and have fun and fix anything it is like a petulant teenager!